Redemption

Redemption1

She sat at the end of the bed with a kitchen knife in her hand, watching him sleep. His long dirty blonde hair was draped across his face, hiding his true nature. So many times she had wished he would never awaken from his drug induced slumber. 2

" I could stab him in his cold-blooded heart, drag his lifeless body across the street to the river and throw him in," she thought to herself as she sat silently on the bed.3

"Who would care or even bother to think that I would do such a thing?" He had made plenty of enemies in their small city. It was a wonder he wasn't dead already.4

No one would even suspect her. She was meek and shy around most people. Everyone liked her. But, he was a danger to her, their tiny son and society. How many times had he threatened to kill her? How many times had he scared her to submission? And how many times had he beaten her for nothing? 5

She got up from the bed and dangled the knife over his bare chest. He stirred slightly; she backed away quickly and nearly fell down. What would he do if he saw her like that, looming over him while he slept? Would he rise up like a hungry vampire and steal her life away? Or would he laugh at her and mock her weakness?6

He didn't wake up; he was merely changing positions. She breathed a sigh of relief as she regained her composure. 7

The knife glistened in the moonlight eager to be used.8

As she got up the nerve to actually use the knife, a small cry came from the next room.9

"Not now, baby boy, Momma will be there soon," she said. But the baby's cries got louder and louder. 10

She swiftly went to the kitchen and replaced the knife in the drawer. She got a bottle and went to her child's room. She cuddled her baby close to her breast and began to cry...11

A contest entry

This is the first page, what do you think?

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Comments

  • abba12
    February 16, 2008

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    i completely disagree, i think theres a huge loss in this. she lost the one chance she had to finally be free. she may never get the courage again. awsome write!


  • Arcularis
    January 29, 2008
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    erm, i hate to tell you this, but it isnt what i was looking for. there's no actual heartbreaking loss in the story at all. so unfortunately, i am requried to remove it from the contest.

    On the other hand, this was a very intriguing story, it kept me reading. I like the way it was written.


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    January 29, 2008

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    Great start. My only suggestion would be to use more description. You've got a start, but more would set the scene more. Don't be afraid to use all five sense either.
    Good luck.
    Welcome to SW
    Brooke
    Greeter