Feelings

Well you see, I feel like crying. I want to let the hot salty tears run down my cheeks and burn them. I want to feel the soft dribble of the tears as they fall from my eyes. I want to see the almost neon green in my eyes, (It happens when I cry, I'm almost like a living mood ring.) I can't help but think about the reasons I want to cry.1

My boyfriend had to go home today. We live two hours apart and only get to see each other whenever my Grandparents let me, they think he is too much of a distraction for me. I don't see why, he is actually the most wonderous thing to ever happen to my life.2

He is my world, my life, my everything. The air that I breath and the beating heart in my chest. He makes my heart sing and my soul soar. Every time I'm around him, I can't help but be happy and smile. 3

Now usually I'm happy, bright and bubbly, but these days my life has been a roller coaster. The ups and downs of life that make your stomach twist and turn, that make the worry in your head and heart greater. Making you sick, making you want to empty your stomach of it so as to never feel the pain again.4

But the ups, when you feel as if nothing can go wrong. The adrenaline rush that flies through your body at the same speed as the coaster you're on, which sends endorphins all over your body making you feel great.5

This guy, my guy, makes me always feel that rush. That soft feeling running over your body and touching places that's never been touched, breaking down walls you've used as protection for all those years. You never thought these things would happen, how could someone love someone so f***ed up? How can they pay attention to someone odd and crazy?6

But it happens and he is my everything, he is the reason I get up in the morning, why I've made my life better. I always knew when I was little I had to fight through everything for one simple reason and it's him.7

So now that he is gone, that soft rush is gone and I'm back to feeling sad and lonely. That great feeling of love that spreads through your entire body is gone. Vanished on a train home. It breaks my heart to see him go, it makes me want to cry, to let everything out and scream out my pain to the world.8

If only life were that easy, if only I could break down and show my pain. But no, what hurts the most is that I have to hide everything I feel behind my cheery exterior. That I can't yell and scream at people, that I can't release this beast that's inside of me, threatening to tear its way out of my body at the most inappropriate moment. I can feel it moving around my body, wanting out, wanting to be free and not caged. 9

I feel like I'm in a Zoo.10

A perfect specimen for a perfect family. Ha! If only that were true. My whole family was forced to believe that I am the perfect child, all thanks to my hypocritical and overbearing Grandmother. She stiffles me, makes it harder to breathe, sucking all the oxygen from my lungs. I'm starved from it, I'm starved of the fresh breath of air that makes up a real life, one that isn't fake.11

He gives me that fresh breath that soft tickle of new life, of a better life. I can't imagine where, or what, I'd be if he hadn't shown up in it.12

So, right now I'm feeling a crushing sadness that is threatening to slip me into a great depression. I'm feeling the soft tickle of love that leaves you wanting more and more. I'm feeling the stress and pressure of trying to be perfect, and the soft sinking feeling that it leaves when you can't match it.13

But most of all, right now, I'm feeling almost nothing. It is as if my body is going numb, that everything that I want to feel is going to hide deep inside of me until it can't take it anymore. Until it lets the beast out to terrorise the people that I love the most.