Something wasn’t right as you entered the main house. You sat next to one of your many relatives as this family assembly carried on. There was an eerie silence before the head of the family spoke. 1
“Sakura…” his suave yet cold voice nearly split you in half.2
“I have decided that for the benefit of the family”, he paused.3
“It is best for you to be taken elsewhere.” You nearly choked on your tears. 4
As If on cue a group of three men came through the door.5
“Where is she?” the first man asked savagely. 6
“You knew our agreement!” yelled Taro. “Not until the third of next week, that was the deal!” 7
“You know we never make promises” stated the same man.8
“Then we have no deal!” replied Taro coldly. The man pulled out a loaded gun and points it at Taro.9
“I’m afraid you can’t do that” replied the younger man behind him. With a swift, meaningful glance from Taro the whole family went to take cover. Bang! You heard many screams and the sound of gunshots filled your ears. Your parents hid you in the closet to protect you from these hunters. Before your very eyes all of your family…your kind had been slaughtered. They searched for you, but couldn’t find you and with that presumed you were dead. The men placed an explosive in the center of the house set to go off at any moment. You managed yourself out of the closet and ran a few yards away from your house before… BOOM! You went flying into burning rubble as you saw your whole family’s estate and property go up in flames. You sat there dazed for a moment before you realized that the group of men spotted you and were coming at you.10
You had the sense to get up and run…you needed to get to Ha’ri. You ran until you hit something and fell.11
“Oh my God” you heard a familiar voice exclaim. Before you knew who it was he picked you up and carried you to a warm enclosure, and then found yourself in the arms of the one you loved…Ha’ri.12
You woke up a few moments later to find all your cuts and burns covered and treated. You quickly got up only to be pushed down gently by Hatori. 13
“Please stay you must rest.”14
“I can’t!” you said almost breaking out in tears, “I have to get away.” Hatori looked at you in utter puzzlement.15
“Why?”16
“Because they’re after me and they will get you too!” you managed to say through a sob.17
“They killed my whole family, just to kill off our kind.”18
He stared at her with astonishment then hatred that spread across his face. 19
“I have to leave” you cried quietly.20
“Please don’t” Hatori said though trying to hide his own tears.21
“I have to” you whispered. With that you and Ha’ri walked towards the outside. You quickly dug a hole and removed the silver chain from your neck and placed it in the hole. Ha’ri entwined you into a deep kiss before a transformation over your body occurred. You no longer had hands or feet, but replaced with hooves. No longer did you take on a human appearance, but the form of a horse, your black, sleek body catching the snow to look white. 22
“Ha’ri…never forget me, I will be back no matter what.” With that said you galloped off into the winter night with the men close behind you. You ran into the woods hoping to evade them, but none worked. With in minutes you heard a gun being loaded. You ran to the edge of the cliff and at that moment a gunshot was heard and a sharp pain penetrated your body and you fell off the cliff into the frigid waters below. You tried to float, but the work was too much for the weak state of your body to handle. The blood suspended in the water became more abundant as you were carried into the rapids never to be seen again.
Comments
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4/5
14: needs a semicolon - "Please stay; you must rest."
22: homonym error - "...You quickly dug a hole...into the hole..."
22: missing word(s) - "...removed a silver chain from your neck and placed it into the hole..."
I'd be crying if I weren't listening to Journey.
Nice work, a very good piece of prose. Although I think you should mention a little earlier that the character's family are equestrian shape-shifters. I know it's a big surprise in the end, but if it isn't explained earlier, it's hard to make sense of it.
Your sentence length variation and subject variation needs just a little work, but then again, second person is extremely difficult for this category. The main subject is always 'you,' as it should be, and it's hard not to overuse it. Don't be afraid to extend your sentences using commas and semicolons to give it more flair. For instance...
Before: (23) "With that said, you galloped off into the winter night with the men close behind you. You ran into the woods hoping to evade them, but none worked."
After: "With that said, you galloped off into the winter night with the men close behind you, running into the woods hoping to evade them. It didn't work."
Absolutely awesome for your first SW published story. Celebrate!
~KS


