The sun slowly crept over the hills and a single beam of sunlight penetrated the curtains of Lora's room. 1
The ray of light woke her from her dreams. She slowly rose from her bed and pulled back the curtains. The town was busy and people where already rushing around to get everything done in the time the short day had to offer.
"Another day in Adelin" Lora thought to herself. 2
Lora is a 21 year old woman. She has been stuck in Adelin all her life and she can not wait to make her escape. Adelin is an old town, way to old for Lora. Lora is a restless spirit. Well that is what her perants use to say. Lora let her thoughts drift back to the day that she heard both her parents where murdered.
She was only sixteen the night when the king himself showed up at her door.
"I'm sorry my dear," he said without a ounce of emotion.
Lora became angry again. 3
Not wanting to let the anger fester within her, Lora snapped herself back to reality.
She made her way to her dressing table, picked up the brush and started grooming her raven hair. Her sapphire eyes and toned body dancing in the sunlight. After she had tied her hair up, she removed her nightgown and dressed. She evaluated herself in the mirror and after she was satisfied she made her way downstairs.4
When she entered the kitchen she was surprised to find her best friend, Amo, munching on a piece of toast.5
"How the hell did you get in here Amo?!" She snarled.6
"You forgot to lock the front door again" Amo replied and tossed her thick blond hair over her shoulder.7
"Oh," was the only reply Lora could manage.8
She was becoming more forgetful every day.9
"So, what is our agenda for today?" Amo asked, still chewing on a piece of toast.10
"Lets go for a ride..." Lora suggested11
Amo smiled, " I knew you would say that. I have already prepared the horses."12
"You know me all too well Amo." Lora laughed, forgetting about her anger.13
The two woman made their way outside. The walked around the house, to where the horses where grazing. The air was crisp and the sky was blue.
"The perfect day" Lora thought as she mounted her Black stallion, Shatan.14
"Ready?" Amo grinned15
"Always" Lora smiled back16
The two friends were off. They flew over the green hills that lay behind Lora's abode, making their ways towards the woods. Lora enjoyed the wind playing through her hair as the made their way to Pichium river.17
To be continued...
Comments
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Hisana-love my neji
I feel real bad for Lora! She'll be okay though.... right? -
Starting with the third paragraph, you switch between present and many different types of past tense. Also, the third paragraph is too direct too near the beginning of the story. The sentence "The day she died." is too melodramatic. "Down stairs" is generally written as one word, which would be more appropriate in the situation you had it in. I think you mean, "She snarled" instead of "She snared" in the third paragraph. The entire eleventh paragraph is unnecessary. Let it be shown in dialog, or more subtle narrative, don't just out and say it. In paragraph fourteen, you use "to" instead of "too." In paragraph fifteen, you say "where" when you mean "were." The "b" in "black" should not be capitalized. In the last paragraph, it should be "They" instead of "The." In the narrative, "little did she know" seems inappropriate. Your narrative up until this point has a large feel of third person limited point of view, and the "little did she know" phrase seems out of character. The piece is filled with little problems such as that. Be sure to stay away from cliches that often occur in this genre. This piece has the potential to be good.
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