It was late in the cold night. The lady knew she must go home to get sleep for the day tomorrow. She sighed. It was one of these days. Something was bothering her. It was rather a gut feeling that someone... was watching her. She looked behind her back as she turned around a street corner. When she looked straight, she froze, astonished to find a young child in her way.1
"Let me teach you a song," said the little girl, in a carefree voice.2
What the little girl said unnerved the lady because she had never been approached so openly in such a way. She chuckled hesitantly a bit, playing along with the sudden change of her night, "Let's, then." She wondered why the little girl was here late in the dark, but she was distracted immediately by her beautiful, unusual features that no young girls her age would have. Her eyes were icy, palely blue. Her skin was so palpable light.3
"Great!" the little girl turned to walk in a direction that the lady was going in. They were the only people on the dark, quiet sidewalk.4
The girl began to sing.5
"The clock stuck five minutes before midnight.6
Two red eyes are staring at you.7
The clock stuck four minutes before midnight.8
He has come for you.9
The clock stuck three minutes before midnight.10
An Happily Ever After will be here.11
The clock stuck two minutes before midnight.12
He takes your hands and turns you around.13
The clock stuck a minute before midnight.14
You will be so sweet to him.15
He takes your blood - your soul.16
The clock tower tolls midnight.17
And the world will turn into a perfect stranger."18
The lady's face was just as mystified. She asked, "What is this song?"19
The girl looked more intensely in the lady's face. The lady found her eyes grew shockingly and piercingly poignant. "I asked him many times. It doesn't have a title. I tried to name it, but he forbade me so."20
"Oh." The lady wondered who was he.21
The girl opened her mouth, about to say something, but she closed her mouth again. Then again, she looked in her eyes as intensely as before, but with hidden meaning. "I am supposed to give you the rose." She held out the rose to her.22
What a sight of the beautiful, breath-taking rose. So unordinarily red. Somehow, the girl kept it hidden all along behind her back.23
The rose was almost radiating when placed in the lady's hand. The lady was even more mystified, and suspicion arose. "You can tell him I don't need-"24
"No, Ma'am, I wouldn't do because it wouldn't change a thing if I did. And of course, I should be going home. Just as you were going to." The girl said.25
"Yes," the lady chuckled. "I was, but you are so cute to teach me a song. Well, I hope to see you again."26
The girl had an odd, pleasant expression. "Maybe or never." This statement made the lady feel more mystified, but she didn't mind it so because she was too tired. It was nearly midnight. The lady and girl departed.27
The lady thought more of the title-forbidden song. She found that she liked the dark humor of it. She sang of it on her way home. Over and over.28
She got to her home, had her key out to enter in. She was swaying to the beats of the title-forbidden song, swirling her rose in the air. She had taken off her jacket and dropped it on the stair to her room.29
She sang the last verse. "And the world will turns into a perfect stranger..." She caught a slight movement. She turned her head as she gasped.30
It was a man, completely in shade. He looked as dark as the night. He made a gentle growl. It grew louder and louder as he came closer. His mouth was ajar as if hungry. The lady raised her hands to her face, putting her rose in the air. The beautiful, provoking rose so red it almost seemed to brighten the dark.31
He grasped her hand which held the rose and had the rose slip out of her hand, creating cuts on her hand that now bleed. She winced from the pain, realizing her potential dangers coming from this man. She stared at him, fearing the eyes of the man. He held the rose up. His lips kissed the soft petals of the rose as his eyes glinted in the dark, reflecting the pure redness of the rose. And the world had turned into a perfect stranger.32
A contest entry
- Give me some vampire thrills! by im....
130 points, ended March 11, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Vampires Lurking in Darkness by Friesian.
1000 points, ended May 31, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Does this story scare you? haha
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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Interesting read. The ending was somewhat abrupt - I felt that you could have added more, considering you spent some time and effort building up the atmosphere and tension in this story. The use of the child and the rose gave it a haunting and poignant feel, but the ending didn't seem to match this. Is the shadow man drawn to the repeated song or to the rose (the 'marker' left by the child)? Overall, it kept my attention from start to finish.
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aww that is soooooooo goood
i reallli liked it
and i could hardly find anything
at all wrong with it, except a
few spelling errors and grammer mistakes
but other than that it was reali good
well done, keep up the good work -
Interesting.
Very creative and dark, reminded me of London in the middle of the night for some reason. But one thing I think you should add in is the lady's emotions. If she sees a little girl on a sidewalk in the middle of the night, wouldn't she be a bit scared, or worried?
But I enjoyed the overall story a lot, but I definitely think there are some things that you could change/add in.beginning: 4, language: 5, plot: 4, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 2.
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Thank you for the comment. It's about time that I do some editing on this old story I made up at like 4 in the morning. Yes, that was the imagery in the story i was aiming for. Finally someone shared a common picture in mind. =)
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Mystifying
It would be creeper if the song rhymed (i think that's spelled wrong). The meaning is beyond me, mind explaining it to me. Really good story though....
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sa-weet
that was aweseome the song is so weird (and weird things are awesome!)
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Thank you! Yeah, if you wonder, i wrote this all up at like... 3 in the morning, if i can remember. lol
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wow
The song is so creative and mystifying! I was all like, NO! Don't do it!!! Don't do it! ZOMG, NOOooooooo!!! Lol! The little girl-the eery atmosphere you created around her was excellent! The end, I LOVED the end! The rose was very interesting, and I LOVE roses! They're so mysterious to me! Geat job!
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This was really creative and interesting. I liked the rose bit, and the ending too, that phrase just fits perfectly with your story. I think you could've had a bit more descriptions, to set the dark mood a little better, and maybe a bit more use of emotions, to portray the horror theme, but overall this was very interesting. The song was fantastic- that was so creative and well written, I loved that part! I actually thought the lady might've been more afraid after hearing it, since it's so dark and all... Anyways this was a great read.
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I really love this! I love that you just left the ending so open. The last line was definitely my favorite. It just tied the entire story together. Wonderful!
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Wow I love the ending to this... it's fantastic, very powerful.
"And the world had turned into a perfect stranger." I love that line... it's great.
Good job
Angel
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Whoa
I already read this but seem to have forgotten to comment, for some reason! It's scary, and very original. I think there's nothing scarier than a vampire-kid, 'cos kids are usually supposed to be innocent angels, and everything. I love the rose bit, and also how the song matched so perfectly! The untitled bit is great. I'm not surprised you won.
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OooooooooO
This was a bit horrific and i usually dont like horror but i liked this story.. Lately i have been reading ghost stories... They dont seem to bother me anymore liek they did when i was younger... Any way, good story... I could actually imagine the man and what he looked like.. -
Good luck in the contest!
Came to read some more...you are full of ideas, but with no discipline at all, not a whimpers worth and you need to acquire some of dat stuff.
A great deal of potential...I hope you realize it....
regards...
amicus...
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Wow. I love the imagery. There were a few errors here and there, but I didn't feel like they marred the story. Well done, my friend.
x Julez -
A very mystifying read. The only problem was that it was too short!lol I think you could add so much more to this to make it even more suspensful. Great Job!
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Wow, this is so mysterious and pretty...I really liked it! You misspell a few words, touch up on grammar here and there, but this was a wonderful story nonetheless.
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This was a thrilling and suspenseful read. I truly enjoyed this one. It reminded me of the song in freddy before how the kids would sing it then here come freddy. Very creative vampire story!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow, it finished magnificently!
Very cleverly done!
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hmmmm
This was surely suspenseful and filled with thrill. Well for me.... anyway, GOOD JOB! I loved it!
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It sparked interest in me with the creative style and uniquness you have chossen to portay this with
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CREATIVE! sorry, i just had to say that. This really caught my antention, right from the begining. Its great, and i wish it was longer
lol
Great story, i enjoyed reading it.
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ohhh chillingly original and creative.
i like it
u have some powerful sentences in here. like the:
And the world had turned into a perfect stranger.
i love it >.< haha. great job.
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Interesting, creepy, original... I liked it. It's different from the usual stuff I read here, so that's good, excellent use of imaginiation. I was slightly disappointed with how short it was but that's your choice and there's nothing wrong with that. A story is perfectly okay no matter how long or short it is . I like the way you've described the little girl, I could see her in my mind, perfect flawless pale skin and those icy eyes. Beautiful I just can't imagine the nerves of that woman, I would be running if some strange girl like that came up to me in the middle of the night lol I would think Samara is out to get me
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Thank you! I know I could imagine her, too. She's giggling in my head.
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Hi,
You have a great imigination and a good feel for gothic style writing. Good little short story.
I have a few suggestions that could improve this story, also you could improve it your self from a little trick I use myself. Read your story out loud and you will be suprised how many misktakes you will find.
You have a knack for setting up a dark tone in your writing, but you need to watch out for the grammatical mistakes, here are just a few I found.
paragraph 22--'the girl opened her open, about to say something.'infinitely s/b infinite.. I'm not sure about this word I think 'hidden' would be better.
paragraph 24--madame?--does a child speak like that, try using just 'ma'am' you left out the word 'that' and 'a'. Try reading aloud what the girl is saying and you will see how awkward it sounds.
Paragraph 30---'to lit in the dark' I think brighten would be a better choice and leave out the word 'in'
You have a good story going here. The style is dark and mysterious.
Keep on Writing!
Sincerely,
IGWbeginning: 2, language: 2, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 2, characters: 2.
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I am glad that you enjoyed it and appreciated my mistake, heh... Thank you!
And my God, I didn't realize that i was using a french word for ma'am. Lol, I took french classes. So that's just why.
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Wow!
I like this! Its so awsomely awsome! You have a qonderful amagination!
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