Perfect Paradigm [part 3]

That thought haunted me. Even when I got back to school after an extended five-day weekend, it was the only thing I could think about. I was still absolutely stunned. I don’t think it had completely sunken in, just yet. It was still just a thought, a nightmare. 1

But it started settling when heard some guys on the basketball team, talking. “You know Kamari? He’s gay. Him and Eric go together and everything.”2

I finally started realizing. This is it. I started to weep. Instantly, face in hands, tears hitting my desk. 3

My home girl, DK took one look at me and hugged me, “Are you crying about Kamari?”4

I nodded yes, but she misunderstood. I cried because my life was over and I wished that time machine technology was more developed so I could fix what we had done. 5

“He’s gay so what? Y’all haven’t gone out in like some months.”6

DK pulled her pants to her waist, but they slid right back to where they were below her hips, showing her boxers. She reminded me a lot of Mickey, just a regular stud, baggy clothes, hiding her boobs and her curves, hair braided back. A little bit afraid of her own femininity. 7

DK was a pretty good acquaintance, somebody I could tell anything and she could tell anything and neither one of us cared enough about each other to repeat secrets. 8

I wipe away my tears with my sleeve, recompose. “It’s not that. I’ve known about him and Eric for like ever. It’s not that. It’s totally something else.”9

She sat in her desk right next to mine, “It has to be something big because Pumpkin told us that you don’t cry. Like you’re a robot or something.”10

I had cried almost the whole week since my hospital visit and telling Kamari about the baby. And it was true before than I really never cried. It didn’t really matter what happened it just always seemed like my life was perfect I didn’t have anything to cry, whine, or bitch about. But suddenly my life was not like it was.11

“What’s up wit’ you?” she asked. 12

“Just between me and you.” She put her hand over mouth pledging silence. I leaned into her ear, suspiciously looked around to make sure no one else listened, “I’m pregnant with Kamari’s baby.”13

“Wow.”14

I thought she was the only one who heard, had whispered as softly as I could in her ear, but these two other girls Rose and Amanda, who were passing by behind us to get to their seats had heard me. 15

“Oh my gosh!” Amanda asked in a half whisper, “When did you find out?”16

“This weekend when I got my stitches.”17

“Oh my gosh! Does he know? Does Eric know?” 18

“Kamari does. I don’t know if he told Eric…I don’t know.” I look at them, staring at me all wide-eyed absorbing all the information, “Please don’t tell anyone.”19

Then class began. 20

School sucks. School sucks! School sucks nuts! Big ones. I’ve never been a fan of forced education. If I want to know something I’ll pick up a book, then and only then. 21

Sitting in class that first day back with so much on my mind. It sucked. I just wanted the teacher to shut up, to go home, to go skateboarding, to go crawl under a rock and die. But the teacher kept talking. 22

She talked and talked, so everyone was relieved when a knock at the door, interrupted her…a note, a pass to the office, and a golden ticket for one of us to leave class. Who was the lucky bitch who could escape this torture? Me. Damn.23

Everybody else grunted, but it wasn’t an escape. It was a trap. A pass to go to my mom’s office. Fuck. 24

Pumpkin was a counselor at the school that made school suck even more. I was the type of student that really didn’t give a shit and didn’t do work and slept in class and acted an ass and mouthed off to teachers because I didn’t think that I needed them to be intelligent. I was good enough by myself and my arrogance and attitude got me in trouble a lot. The teachers thought they could just run to Pumpkin and she’d punish me, but she never really seemed to care. That wasn’t the bad part though.25

Any time something was going on more personal, like when I was still smoking and came to class smelling like a marijuana leaf…they’d go to her, too. My heart raced, what the hell could she want. I had spilled the beans earlier to DK and if Amanda and Rose could hear me what if somebody else did and went to tell Pumpkin.26

I go to the counseling center and stopped by the front desk. Rose stood behind Pumpkin’s gossipy secretary, filing paperwork. She was an office assistant and she could’ve been working with the secretary and maybe what she had told had slipped from her mouth. My heart drops. She opened her mouth.27

“Remember what we were talking about…”28

She interrupts me, “I don’t remember. Can’t remember.”29

The secretary looked at me, “Girl, what did you do? Mickey is here and everything.”30

Mickey didn’t come make visits to the school unless it was a huge emergency. She didn’t really like coming, she said the other teachers and a lot of the students made her feel uncomfortable and she didn’t like to be Pumpkin’s little trophy wife. But she was very much there in Pumpkin’s office. And me being pregnant was very much an emergency.31

I walked hesitantly into her office and see Pumpkin crying crocodile tears. Mickey stood posted in the corner, arms crossed. I just expected the worst. And I had never been scared to face the two of them before, but I was scared then. 32

These were the two people that at seven years old told me that I could do whatever I wanted. But I was so afraid, because I didn’t want to see them disappointed.33

The door closed. 34

Mickey ushered me to sit down and I did, shaking like a Chihuahua in the snow. Then she gave me the news, “We just wanted to tell you…” she paused and I held back tears in the anticipation, “Mommy is pregnant. We’ve known for a little while, but we just wanted to make sure that everything was good and the baby was healthy before we told you…and got your hopes up on being a big sister.”35

My jaw dropped. I couldn’t close my mouth. Pumpkin hugged me, crying tears of joy. Mickey hugged me and I was still too shocked to say anything. 36

“I’m already two months.” Mommy told me, smiling.37

For me this was a little more mortifying. My little sibling would be an aunt or uncle before it was even old enough to hold its own head up. Just great.38

Somehow, I found myself talking to DK again. 39

We talked in our last period class, I told her about Mommy being pregnant. Then out of nowhere I said what was really on my mind, “I’m so scared that I’ve ruined my life and that I’m not going to be a good mom.”40

“Don’t worry about all that. It’s a long ways away.” DK said.41

“But really its not. Because when this summer comes and I’m supposed to be going on tour…I won’t get to go.”42

“But you’re going to have a baby…look at the bright side. Your parents having been waiting their whole life to have a baby from their own body. I’ll probably never get the chance, but you have a little child growing inside of you. That is so special.”43

I sniffled, fighting back tears. The bell rang. With how shitty I felt, I knew only one thing could cheer me up: a good session on my board. The doctor had told me to lay off skateboarding until my stitches came out because another good fall could lay me out for the count, but fuck that doctor I thought, I have a board in my locker. “DK where do you live?”44

“On the west side by the park, but on the good part of the tracks.” she told me as we made our way to the door.45

The west side was a perfect place to go to hit a few tricks; a lot of old stuff just laying around, a lot of grinds, it was just 100% street. And I loved it out there. I hadn’t been over there in a long time, though, because the few times before these badass kids had jumped me and took my board, but I didn’t care. I wanted to go, clear my head, skateboard. “Will you take me over there? So I can go skate.”46

She enthusiastically agreed, “Yea, never seen you skate before.”47

“Well, you’re in for a treat. I promise” I said and laughed. 48

After the drive to the park I’m sure that the miraculousness that is me skateboarding wasn’t the treat DK wanted. A few people have told me before that she is completely in love with me and I don’t blame her, but I didn’t like her like that. She kept squinting her eyes at me and touching my back, but I ignored her. I probably should have said something, but I didn’t just hopped on my board and got away from her.49

I did a lot of coasting, second guessing myself I just backed away from every jump that I came across. But with the wind blowing through my hair, and my bad mood dissipating I had to jump eventually. I did a few ollies and gained some speed and confidence.50

Feeling free. I started looking for bigger jumps.51

I did an ollie onto a picnic table and ollie kickflip from it to another table than went on my way. The landing, crisp, clean, no slipping, just a smooth glide back onto the sidewalk. 52

I kept coasting towards the closed pool house, with graffiti all over the walls and the gate to the pool open. I would’ve went inside and shredded up the pool, nothing beats that, but there were some people at the entrance leaning against the wall, making smooches. I just kept rolling on and did a little jump.53

An easy little jump, not off of a ramp, just in the middle of the sidewalk, but…54

Once again I slipped. The board didn’t come down the right way, luckily my feet landed safely, flat on the ground, but the board ricocheted off the concrete, flying back up and hitting me in the stomach. I fell over.55

The pain was unbearable, but I managed to get back on my feet. I walked to where DK was, tears streaking my face. The pain eased little by little, but I was scared. What if I had hurt my baby?56

“Just take me home.” I muttered.57

Walking in the back patio door, leaving my board in the yard, I went straight to the couch. I was going to lie down, but Pumpkin and Mickey were already there reading a book about pregnancy. 58

Something in that moment, seeing my parents there, the little bruise on my belly from the skateboard hitting me, something. Maybe what DK had said. Maybe I was starting to fall in love with my baby just a little bit, even though it would be easier to pretend it had no existence. I was ready to tell them.59

“Can I talk to y’all?” I said, sitting on the coffee table, facing Pumpkin. 60

Pumpkin she nodded and put down her book. Mickey looked at me and I think she could sense that something was wrong.61

“Well…I think I need to go to the doctor.” I said.62

“What?” Pumpkin asked, “Is it your stitches?”63

“No, my head is fine…” I took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant…too.”64

Silence. They couldn’t grip onto the reality of it all, shit I had just realized that it wasn’t a game only a half hour before. 65

Neither of them could really react, but Pumpkin reacted first, sitting up and pulling me into a big hug. So we sat there completely quiet hugging each other, none of us knowing what to say or what to do next. 66

Mickey broke the silence, whispering, “Its okay, we’ll help you baby doll. We’ll help with everything.”67

Pumpkin agreed, kissing me on the cheek, “Yea we’ll do whatever we can to help you.”68

I think they were as scared as I was. In fact, I know they were. It was already overwhelming Pumpkin that she herself was pregnant, she’d never had a baby before, I was seven going on forty when they got me. She didn’t know what to do. “God what do we do?” she gasped.69

“Its going to be okay.” Mickey said. 70

Something, which was almost forever kept secret from me, was that Mickey had once had a child before I was adopted, before her and Pumpkin even met. A little girl, named Tonya, but when the baby was only 18 months she fell off a bed when Mickey was in another room. Mickey had the experience that both Pumpkin and I wished that we had, being only months away from motherhood. But I could tell…she pulled up her pants and walked off outside a little bit of guilt and remorse in her eyes…she was scared too, she had always blamed herself for little Tonya’s death and now she’d have to face her fears double time with two babies in our home. 71

And I was surely scared. Scared of everything. Scared of waking up the next morning with a gut, instead of my flat stomach and not being able to skate or go on tour with Corey Miller or ever go pro. 72

Kamari was surely scared, having just been outed by his friends. Then his strict parents. If he told them what was going on that he was gay…that he had slipped up and got me pregnant…they would disown him forever. 73

And everyone knew what everyone else feared and that made everyone even more fearful of what was to come. 74

Pumpkin held onto me hard and repeated, “What are we going to do?”75