It wasn’t the sort of place where a lot of people would like to go; the bar was shabby, old and filled with people out of the normal. A young stranger entered through the door. He gave the place a look of disgust but he had no choice, it was raining heavily outside. He tried to avoid the curious eyes looking towards him and settled at a table that was closest to the fire.2
The waitress made her way to his table. She looked like an elf by appearance and by her height. Arkantos guessed that she was from the moon rider tribe but the light green skin tone was missing. She had long black hair, pointing earlobes and a fair white skin. To say the least she was stunningly beautiful. 3
“What can I get you?” She asked.4
“A cup of Tea please,” He requested humbly, she gave a loud harsh laugh so that everyone turned their head toward Arkantos’s direction.5
“Tea, we don’t have any tea,”6
“Then a mug of hot water please,” He requested again.7
She retired back to the bar and brought him a huge mug of water. He took out something from his pocket and added a couple pinches to the mug so that the water took a shade of deep black.8
“I haven’t seen your kind in a while,” Said the waitress eyeing him with great interest, 9
“So, where are you going?” she threw at him casually.10
“I am visiting my uncle, he is very ill at the moment,” said the stranger.11
“Are you telling me that you are travelling alone in these troubled time to visit an uncle whose sick?” she said making no effort to keep the suspicion out of her voice.12
“Yes, I expect him to give me his heritage after he’s dead,” said the stranger calmly.13
“Well that explains a lot, you men are always after gold and other such stuff.” She said regaining her normal tone.14
“Well the elves of the moon are also losing there ethics, if half the rumor we hear these days are true.” He said looking straight in the elf’s eyes. 15
The waitress turned very red and quickly retreated back to bar and now avoided the man’s gaze. Time passed and rain came down more heavily, instead of emptying the bar started to fill up. It was an old dwarf that entered the bar to find it full, seeing only one seat vacant he decided to join the young man by the fire.16
“How are yah boy? Haven’t seen you kind in a while, mind if I sit with you,” he said talking a seat next to him.17
The stranger didn’t have many choices as the dwarf had already taken the seat.18
“Sure,” he said, but he was sure that the dwarf neither heard nor he cared.19
He examined the dwarf, his condition was pathetic, his hairs were messy and he had several fresh cuts on his face, the stranger took pity on the dwarf and offered him a drink, which he graciously accepted.20
“Thank you son, by the way my name’s Masoro Longbeard, you look like a treasure hunter if you are one you would find my help very valuable.”21
At that moment an idea struck the stranger, “My name is Arkantos and I came here looking for the legendary dwarf smith; Alaksong Longbeard, do you know where I can find him?” he said looking hopeful.22
“I know about the great Alaksong, who doesn’t. Gifted, gifted blacksmith he was, craved many great weapons in the old time. But I am afraid no one has seen him in a while, went up the mountains and no one ever heard from him again.”23
Arkantos looked crestfallen, “I must seek him then,” 24
“I have a very expensive piece of equipment that only he can fix,”25
Masoro studied his face, he was a handsome man. It looked like he had been on travelling for a long time, his long black hair look untidy, his check were hollow, his tan skin had mark on them and from the condition of his facial hair, it looked that he hadn’t shaved for a long time but the feature that he was lost in was his blue eyes. They were deep and had determination in them.26
“I am afraid I can’t help you son. No one can,” he said putting his drink down and making way for the door.27
“You’re leaving! In this weather!” exclaimed Arkantos.28
“Yes, I am on a very tight schedule and thanks for the drink again.” He said fastening his cloak and in matters of seconds he was gone.29
Arkantos took a yawn, covering his eyes with his hood, he fell asleep. He woke up at the break of dawn. The club was empty now, the fire had been extinguished. He picked up his cloak and sword and the special package he was carrying and went out. The rain had stopped. He mounted his horse and set out towards the great mountains Alaksonia that were rumored to be cursed.30
He kept riding for hours towards the mountains. Soon it was night now the fog was too dense to see any trees or other obstacles in his path so he had to stop. He gathered some dry wood from the forest,which was a tremendous talk a sit had rained heavily last night. Finally he was able to make a fire. He ate what bread was left with him and fell asleep.31
When he woke up it was still night, loud thunderous voices were coming from somewhere up ahead. He took out his sword and turned out his fire. Whatever it was, it was coming near. He hid behind a tree near enough to keep a view of what was coming down form the forest path.32
Then he saw it, it was a caravan of demons and by the looks of it, there were carrying a slave shipment He was able recognize some of the them, Masoro, the elf waitress and some other creatures he had seen in the pub the other night.33
The caravan abruptly stopped exactly where Arkantos had been sleeping.34
“Fine horse and look the wood’s still warm, someone was here only recently” said the slave master talking to his minions.35
Arkantos recognized him instantly, it was the Butcher. One of Minioush’s bounty hunter, he could never forget him, he was the one sent to kill him when he was only five, he failed. They said afterwards he was sent to dungeons of Ottara as a punishment of failure. After this failure Minioush never got a chance to lay hands on Arkantos again because afterward Arkantos was sent away from the kingdom, hidden in small village where he grew up.36
How Arkantos survived? His father had told him to keep it quite, but he remembered well that he was saved by the lady rider in black. He didn’t know who she was, but she was not from this world, she was his guardian. He felt her presence around whenever he was in danger.37
Arkantos was brought back from nostalgia by the loud brash voice of the butcher, “What’s this?” Arkantos heart went up to his throat, it was the package. The long box made out of gold, the butcher looked at it with deep interest and then smiled.38
“We stay here for the night, and I want this area checked, now!” he screamed.39
Arkantos heart was betting fast, how he could have been so careless, leaving the package like that, it was so important. What if the butcher opened it! No, there was no way to open it. You have to ask it to open in dwarfish. What if he knew dwarfish? No he wouldn’t be able to open it but he still needed to get it back at any cost.40
Arkantos had more concerns that the package now, the undead warriors were searching the area, and if he remained stationary they would soon find him. It was time to make his move. I wouldn’t be able to fight them all at once, so he decided to take them one by one.41
His sword was made of the enchanted metal of Alsaba, one of few things that could take a hurt a demon. It also had the magical enchantments forged on it, it was a powerful weapon specially designed for the undead. Examining his sword always lifted Arkantos’s morale.42
He moved from tree to tree, soon he saw one of the Shoyokas searching behind the trees, he got right behind it and with a mighty slash it on ground in two pieces, unmoving and dead. He was able to take out the others in about an hour. The undead were not tough. In past they had won wars due to their unstoppable number not their might or power.43
Now the only thing left was the Butcher. He was huge about the 8 feet. He was a Cyclops and had a horn coming out of his head. He didn’t have any sort of skin so his raw meat was reveled which gave him a bloody look, he had a huge bloody axe in his hand. There was a reason for his name, the Butcher used to cut his dead opponents in pieces the idea freaked him but tried hard to keep calm.44
The Butcher had been a part of Arkantos’s nightmares since the attack 15 years ago. How helpless he had been then, but it had all changed now he thought, he was older and trained in fight now. He took a deep breath and came straight out of the woods right in front of the Butcher, so that he could see him.45
“Arkantos, Arkantos I knew it was you from the moment I saw the Maclor box, so the rumors are true. You have grown since our last meeting. The day you escaped me, I could never forget that, I had to pay a heavy price for it perhaps you have heard. But now there no one to protect you, I will settle my score with you now,” he said as a grin spread over his face.46
Somehow all the fear went away, Arkantos felt pumped up and courageous, like he had never felt before. “It is you who will die!” he said, as he charged towards the Butcher.47
The Butcher also held his axe high let out a might roar and ran towards Arkantos. He made a swipe with his axe which Arkantos dodged easily, he made another swipe with incredible speed this time it him in the shoulder but not with full impact. Arkantos felled back and covered his shoulder which was now bleeding with his other hand. It was the shoulder of his sword hand. Arkantos quickly made a violent slash in the air, it missed the butcher by inches, he made another swipe this time the Butcher blocked it with his axe, both of them applied their full strength on their weapon, Arkantos was falling back when suddenly the Butcher took away his left hand off the handle of the axe and punched Arkantos straight in the face. Arkantos was sent flying and smashed against a tree. Such was the impact that the tree’s stem broke. Arkantos ray in the rubble, helpless. The Butcher drew level with him.48
“Too easy,” he said measuring Arkantos for the final blow with the axe. But at that very moment Arkantos heard a voice, the voice of a woman, “Get up Arkantos,” it said. Arkantos opened his eyes, it was as if someone has slowed down time, Arkantos saw the axe coming toward him but It was coming towards him very slowly, “Now,” said the voice , in a split Arkantos griped his sword tightly and stabbed right in the butcher’s eye. He heard a loud scream as the Butcher backed away blood gushing out of his eye. Arkantos got up and with his sword he separated the Butcher’s head from his shoulder. He fell on the ground again now blood was oozing out of his mouth as well.49
Arkantos saw the images in front of him fading now, he was unconscious. When he woke up he was in a white bed with white covers. The whole room which looked more like a box was white. Was he perhaps in heaven? His cloths were also changed he was wearing a white long dress.50
He got out of the bed and looked at the strange scenario around him. Then right in front of his very eyes, the black rider appeared. 51
“Am I Dead?” he asked the figure.52
“No your not,” She replied calmly, smiling at the same time.53
“Then where am I?” he asked looking around, a feeling of uncertainty in his voice.54
“You are asleep at the moment,” She said smiling again.55
“What are you?” he asked, he wanted to ask who are you? But the words left out his mouth before he could have really done anything.56
“You know what I am, don’t you Arkantos,” She said.57
He considered it for a moment and then said, “My guardian.”58
She let out a little laugh and then said, “Yes Arkantos, I am your guardian.”59
“But what are you really?” He said.60
“I am one of the angelic sprits of this world,” she answered calmly.61
“What should I do?” he asked his guardian.62
“I don’t understand what you mean?”63
“I mean, am I going the right way?”64
“Yes you are.”65
“So I should find the smith and get the Maclor repaired,”66
“Yes,”67
“Then what should I do next?”68
“It’s up to you,”69
“Do I have to be the one to finish all this?”70
“Yes, you have to be the one I am afraid,”71
“Can’t anyone else do it?”72
“No.”73
“So then will I succed?”74
“Yes, I have faith in you and so do many others, you are the chosen one.”75
“How can fight, a whole demon army alone?”76
“You won’t be alone.”77
“Will you help me?”78
“Yes,” she said giving a smile,79
“How did the demons came into our dimension?”80
“Time will answer all of your questions, young prince.”81
“One last then, is the butcher dead?”82
“Yes, he’s dead”83
“How was I able to kill him, when you weren’t?”84
“Demons can only be slain by mortal hands now its time for you to go young prince.”85
“But wait, I still…..”86
Arkantos woke up to see his shoulder heavily bandaged with, leaves. He saw the figures around him; It was Masoro and the elf waitress.87
“Where are the others?” he asked.88
“They left son, don’t get up,” said Masoro putting a hand on his chest,” These are demonic wounds they won’t heal quickly, you need to rest, a lot.” 89
“But I need to find Alaksong Longbeard!” exclaimed Arkantos.90
“That will have to wait.” he said leaving the small cabin they were in.91
“Where are we?” he asked the waitress grumpily.92
“At Mr. Masoro’s house,” she said looking at him, “I can’t go back to the pub there are demons, everywhere there, they attacked after you left. They were looking for slaves. Mr. Masoro was kind enough to let me say till I find a way to get back home.” She finished.93
“Wait a second, where is my box and my sword and my cloths!” he screamed realizing only now that he was naked under the blankets.94
“Everything is here,” she said laughing.95
“So will you leave? So that I could change.” said Arkantos now taking more care to cover himself completely in the blanket.96
“Sure.” she said leaving the cabin.97
He got dressed, and got his sword, and then he tightly laced the box to his back. I will never take it off again he thought. After then he went out as well. There was Masoro, standing by the river.98
“Nice place.” He said to Masoro99
“Ah! You won’t listen, I said you needed rest. Tell me why do you want to see Alaksong so badly?” asked Masoro.100
Arkantos asked the box to open in dwarfish, it was the only word of dwarfish he knew, the box opened. There was a broken blade inside, “Because of this, I want it repaired.” He said.101
“But this is the Phoenix’s Maclor” said Masoro eyeing the sword with great interest and then he said, “I will do it.”102
“Thanks but only Alaksong can repair It.” he said.103
“I am Alaksong Longbeard.” he said.104
Arkantos mouth was wide open; it took him sometime to drown the words completely. He was Alaksong Longbeard.105
You aren’t pulling my leg are you?” he said.106
“No I am not and I will begin work on this tomorrow, and didn’t I tell you to get rest.” He finished.107
Arkantos went back in the cabin and laid in the bed, he couldn’t believe his luck. He had found Alaksong so easily. He would do as his guardian had told him but there was one thing he must do before that he will travel and find the best of the warriors. He would drive the Goblins and Godforsaken Demons out of his kingdom, but people need a pole around which they can gather, he King Arkantos with the Phoenix’s Maclor will be that pole, he thought.108
Just then the elfish waitress entered the cabin again.109
“So are you staying here as well?” He asked her.110
“Yes” she said.111
“What your name?” he asked her.112
“Valhalla, I am sorry about what I said about men at the pub.” She said.113
“No problem, I paid you back, I am sorry too by the way.” he said.114
She smiled, seeing this he asked, “Are you are pure elf of the moon? You don’t have the green skin as I have read.”115
“No I am only part elf and part human, my mother was pure elf of the moon and my father was a man” she finished.116
“Where’s Masoro?” he asked her.117
“Oh, he said he was working on something and he would be back late in the night.” she finished, turning out the lamp.118
Arkantos hardly slept that night, he was too excited. Alaksong was unable to repair the sword. I will eventually do it, I need time, he said. Valhalla was still staying with them; Arkantos promised to drop her to her homeland of Meliskia, as soon as the Maclor was repaired.119
Finally that day came; a huge scream came out of Alaksong’s workshop. They rushed to see Alaksong happily carrying and examining the blade, it was in whole. Arkantos gave an even louder scream. That night they celebrated. Arkantos said that he would be leaving tomorrow morning so that he and Valhalla got ready.120
Arkantos woke up just before day break, to see a lonely Alaksong sitting by the river. He went towards him.121
“Got up eh, so you’ll be setting today.” he said122
Arkantos could see that he was not his usual self. The he said,123
“I will miss you two, I liked having company.”124
“Why don’t you go back to your home?” he asked the dwarf.125
“I don’t know it has been a lot of time, will they accept me?” he asked, as if he was kid asking whether he would be accepted in a new school.126
“They most certainly will.” Arkantos ensured him.127
“Enough about me, you two will be setting out today you’ll need some food won’t you, I will make the arrangement” he said getting up.128
After dawn Arkantos and Valhalla set out, Valhalla had trouble keeping up with Arkantos, “We are not being chased by demons you know!” She absolutely refused to travel by night, “If I wanted to work like this, I would have stayed with the demons!” 129
“You’re slowing me down!” Arkantos would retort. Finally after many complains, several argument and a couple of tantrums they finally reached Meliskia’s border in some three weeks.130
“This is goodbye then.” He smiled at her.131
“Why don’t you come and meet my mother?” she asked him.132
“No, I must leave.” He said.133
“Guess, I won’t slow you done anymore. You must be happy to get rid of me.” she said.134
“Well, I should be happy but I feel a little grim to be honest,”135
“Well….. that really unexpected.”136
Then she did something Arkantos never imagined she would, she kissed him. After what seems like an eternity they broke apart, then she asked him,137
“When would you come back?”138
“Soon,” he answered.139
“Now you have to go straight north, till the Shaggy River, from there must turn on Angorot road, it’s a pretty straight path from down there.” He said his voice shaking as he was still in shock140
“I know! I grew up here” she said amused at the look on his face.141
It was a painful tor part but he had to move on. Valhalla kept still, looking at him leaving, tears came to her eyes. Arkantos looked back to where Valhalla was, he would give anything to stay with this woman a little longer.142
‘One day I will return and make her my queen, we will live together, forever till death. Wait for me Valhalla for I will come back for you.’ He thought.143
Somehow his look sent his thought to her.144
“And I will wait for you, forever.’ She thought.145
Author notes
So what do you have to say about it. I edited it took out a whole lot of typos but there are still many. I am tired for now. Anyways I have edited the storyline a little and tried to give characters more feel.
Constructive Critical
A contest entry
- Storywriter Inc. Quickdraw by B Chandler.
225 points, ended February 3, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
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180 points, ended March 10, 2008, 11 entries
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300 points, ended February 11, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
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270 points, ended January 14, 30 entries
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Bronze trophy winner
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Comments
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YAY! Fantasy!!!
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So.... you like D&D?

Anyway, the best advice I can possibly give you is to slow down, step back, and take everything one sentence at a time. This story is extremely rushed. So much so, in fact, that it is practically unreadable. Sometimes you take four or five completely seperate thoughts and jam them all into one sentence. Some of those thoughts are even dialogue, which makes it even more confusing. I'm not gonna correct your spelling or anything like that (although you need to work on your plurals), but I will advise you to spend less time thinking about WHAT you're writing and more time thinking about HOW you're writing it.
I get the impression that you were so enthusiastic about moving the story forward that you left the reader in your wake. Take the time to savor your settings and give your audience all the lush details of their imaginary surroundings. Let the characters have some space to grow and emote. Demon battles are super sweet but only if you have come to care about the characters involved.
I know tireless rewriting can be a grueling process, but it's much more important to put out something good than to put out something fast.
Thanks for entering and let me know if you need any additional advice. -
That was very interesting. I found a few errors in grammer, spelling and such. Like paragraph 20, it was one long run-on sentence. I would suggest dividing it up into three sentences.
Instead of "He examined the dwarf, his condition was pathetic, his hairs were messy and he had several fresh cuts on his face, the stranger took pity on the dwarf and offered him a drink, which he graciously accepted." Try dividing it up into three sentences. Like so,
"He examined the dwarf; his condition was simply pathetic. His hair was messy and he had several fresh cuts on his face. The stranger took pity on hte dwarf and offered him a drink, which he graciously accepted."
I hope that helped!!
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Yes, this does have quite a few spelling errors. Besides them, however, this was a good story. Great ideas, and characters. Well done.
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Good story! You need to re-read . you leave a lot of typos, for the most part the story is really quite good. but grammatical errors are many too.
beginning: 2, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Although your story held many grammatical and punctuation errors, I liked the fantasy story. The dialogue held too many bits of conversation and you lost the reader in who was saying what by the time you go to the end of it all. Sometimes you can describe what is happening or needs to be known to the reader, without dialogue. Thanks for entering and good luck.
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Pretty Good
This was pretty good but I noticed a lot of grammatical errors. This is a very good start for the series, but the grammatical errors make it a little hard to understand. It seemed as though there were words missing in many places. Also, there were some verb number errors. But I did enjoy reading it. With a little fixing up, this will be a foolproof beginning chapter. Nice job and good luck in the contest! -
I really enjoyed this story, and it was written extremely well, except........I'm sure you understood what I asked for in the contest? I wanted a story about the first whatever came about......but I liked this story all the same, well done


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There's quite a few grammar and punctuation mistakes. I would recommend going through it a couple of times to fix those.
The story seems to jump from scene to scene without much transitioning.
All the time they spent together was written too quickly. There didn't seem to be much time for them to really get to know each other well at all during the story. You might want to go back to that part and add something in to make it clear they all became good friends.
It's an interesting story, but there's a lot of mistakes which makes it somewhat hard to read. I would recommend at least fixing the grammar issues, that would make it much easier to read. Good job. -
great
really love the story few mistake but okay! great keep on the good work -
wow!
The flow was REEEEEEEAlly good! I especially LOVED the body language! XD I also enjoyed the dialogue, cuz it sounded real. Great job!
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well i meant to ask it, as she had a suspion he up to something perhaps criminal kind of illegal, i have tried to preset a fantasy novel in a causal way, pity u didn't like it.
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First line is awkward. I think a word is missing.
The dialog wasn't something I would have thought of a fantasy novel. I've never meet a character that would say 'What are you up to?' when refering to where that person was going. But this is just my opinion.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Brooke












