I just want to scream, there's no other way to express it. I've stifled myself, drowned myself in mocking jokes and dry satire, immersed myself in music, loud noises, people, food, distraction. I've done everything I could but his name still remains etched so deeply into my mind. Thinking about him should not be as painful as it is, as far as I know, he still loves me, we're still "happily together". But where is he? Why have I not heard from him in five days? I hope he's ok...I miss him.1
I'm clinging to the hope that my future still has him in it. I'm trying to tell myself "Yes, he'll come back. He'll be there and he'll still love you." To lose his love, to lose him... I've felt it before. I don't think I could have survived much longer if he hadn't come back. Oh God, when will he come back?2
Is five days enough cause to throw a fit like this? To be so frantic with worry? What could justify the knot tightening within my belly, the chokehold worry has on my heart? An over reaction, I know. The logical part of me just watches in dismay as the irrational emotional part takes over and makes me shake with misery. Trembling, I lie in bed, staring at my ceiling, the computer screen, my ceiling, and then back to the brightly illuminated screen that refuses to show me what I want to see. I'm waiting for that notice that he has signed on, for his screen name to light up on my digital display. Thousands of miles away, I'm waiting for this electronic contact to let me know he's ok. And what will I do if he's not? I don't know, I don't...3
Adam. Every little thing reminds me of you. The music on the radio, the words splashed brightly across web page after web page as I surf the net, biding my time and just waiting for your return. I'm jumping to conclusions like I know you told me not to do (because I'm prone to being wrong) but without you, without the assurance from you that all is not what I think it is, how am I to know whether I'm right or wrong? Where are you? I need you to tell me I'm wrong in this instance, please. I want you...please, tell me I'm wrong. Tell me I'm still the most important thing in your life.4
I can't shake this feeling of a chasm growing between us, deep and stretching, yawning open beneath our very feet. Am I the only one clinging to the ground, scraping my nails into the dirt? Am I the only one still trying to hold on to what we have? Where are you my love? How can you leave like this without explanation? How can you stay away for so long?5
I know, I know. Over reaction. There's a lot of rational possibilities that my stubborn heart is refusing to grasp. He could be at work, he IS starting that new job. He told me I wouldn't be able to see him online once he started...but I thought, at the very least, he'd email me. He didn't need to reply to all...thirty or so that he has from me. Just one. A little hello, something, anything to ease this worry. Oh, what I'd do to have this ache of loneliness soothed within me. Adam my Adam, where are you?6
He could be at a friend's house. Or maybe a friend stayed over at his. Maybe his mom got sick and had to go to the hospital? Maybe he's hurt. Maybe he's dead. Maybe...what if...it's possible...7
ARGH!!! I can't take these thoughts! I can't take this misery. Not pain, not pleasure, an unbearable discomfort. Mediocre melodrama, sniveling brattyness! I just hate..hate..how I react to things. Who I am, myself, the way I think. Why can't I just trust him, trust that he'll be alright, that he'll come back and that he loves me? Why?8
Taking a deep, shuddering breath, all I feel is the emptiness within my own chest. I need him back, I burn to have him on the other side of this computer screen, pathetic fool that I am. I need to know that my reason, my sanity, my will, my love my life is still waiting there, somewhere, thousands of miles away, my future...is he still waiting for me? 9
I need him, as I need to be loved, as I need to breathe, I need him. Oh, I wish he'd come back already. I wish...
Author notes
I've been unable to write recently, I figured a rant on how I felt might help. Hmm...favorite lyrics...right now it's "Why is it so we never know what we have until it's gone"
*Edit. I've talked to him today. The relief and happiness were incredible. I won't be seeing him online very much anymore...but at least now I know why (work) and that he still loves me ^^
** Re-edit: We broke up.
A contest entry
- Tell Me How You Feel. by Siby Anan.
1200 points, ended February 15, 2008, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Passion by HoneyAngel.
600 points, ended April 16, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Frustrations, anxiety, death, depression.. by RedHearts.
330 points, ended June 30, 2008, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This piece brings back some memories which I dont want to remember.. Good description..
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I know how you feel. If I don't talk to my loved one for more then a couple of hours I get worried and feel sick and all that.
Very passionate about wanting to know where he is.
I enjoyed reading this piece quite a lot. Good job
Angel.
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WOW !! It's amazing what happens when you love someone. You'd do anything for them. I am glad that you got to talk with him though and be reassured that things are ok. It's great he still loves you!
Sad, at first but a happy ending
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Descriptive and good! i love description. That is what caught me the most, the description. Keep up the good work!
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I know who this feels i know ho it feels so deeply ...
It hit home really cried, I cried because know the feeling....
I just feel ashamed I did not write how I felt about him
Loved it
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Very descriptive!
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I definitely know how you felt when you wrote this. It's amazing I think, I mean you captured the confusion and pain of losing contact with someone you care about. I know when that happens to me like I end up worrying that they stopped caring, thinking they might have decided I wasn't worth their time and all that. I just think you captured the essence of worrying over that kind of thing. It is really sweet too that you care so much about him. If these aren't real emotions than damn, you did a good job faking it.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Strange how five days can be so tough, even if it might not seem that long to others. Great job showing how you feel about Adam. It's so sad and heartbreaking to read this, and I'd imagine that's how your felt when you wrote it. Otherwise it wouldn't come out this strong.
You're a definite finalist. Great work! -
This was an extremely good rant.
:]
I really enjoyed it because I just went through the exact same phase. I'm hoping you'll be okay...the first five days...were horrible for me. I went through 22 days. It sucked. But we're talking now..even if its not the same..
ANYWAYS.
no need to hear my life story.
this was very well.
i could feel your pain.
it was very believable.
You did well.
=)
Good luck with the contest.
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Wow! That was powerful and I can relate to alot of what you said in that. I know the feeling... (((Hugs))) Every word you said I could just feel the emotions from it maybe more so since I can relate so very much to alot of it. I hope that you hear from this person soon. Good luck in that contest I hope you win it
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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