The necklace of love

Manipulated by my inner hatred as I stare into the murky mind I call my own.1

My life as I know it, blatantly pathetic as I rip through my emotions, shredding every thought I have to analyse it, pull it apart in hope that I can somehow makes sense of my life.2

I drowned myself, or tried to in the bath, with the water so high above my head I could not breath. 3

I splattered and coughed bringing head out of the water as it began to spill onto the tiled floor, the water a clear, transparent  like a calming lake until I dirtied it with the blood from my wrists.4

I walked out, with putrid thoughts lingering, the voices chiming in , screaming begging me to end my life.5

I wrapped my towel around me, stepping out into the lodge room, the air now filled with alcohol so strong it made my stomach lurch.6

Trying to keep myself form being sick, I walked back into my room and lay on my bed, wishing I could talk to the person I cared for the most in this word.7

My wrist had stopped bleeding, I had made a small incision with my fingernail, enough to draw blood, yet not enough to make me a cutter. 8

Though when I thought of it, was it not the same.9

I was in love, deeply and painfully in love and the more I imagined us together, held tight, body’s pressed against one another in the act of eternal love, it pained me more to think of how long it would be until I could see his smiling face again.10

I felt like a let down.
Like I was not good enough for him.11

I knew deep down inside that I was and that what I was feeling was stupid. I just had a desire to strong to have him next to me that seemed to continually mess with my mind.12

I rolled over onto my mattress a message flashing on my screen.13

Another one, another man left to desert me.14

It was my fault though, I had made a wish to the universe to be a one man woman and I was proud of that.15

It hurt though, after so long of being a man whore show, every night of the week, day and night and for that to be slowly taken away as each man come to realize prison was calling there name, even if I would never do a thing to cause it seemed to depress me even more.16

Now as I lay here in silence , a stake knife next to my bed.17

I wondered how long it would take me before suicidal temptation crept its way back into my satanic heart.18

Then as if a light shone over me, I began to cry and reach down to were my necklace sat perfectly between my breast.19

It was the necklace.20

My necklace, my one connection inside the realms of this world that made sense.21

So as I held the dragon heart between my fingertips and closed my eyes.22

Even though I could feel his pain seeping through the necklace, I knew we would be alright, he would be alright and so would I, because in the end he was the one who saved my life the first time and this time and he would every other time, because I lived for him.23

So when I held onto that necklace, it was like getting a new lease of life, like the rest of the world did not matter, like I could be me and live happily inside myself. It was like he was inside of me.24

I still lay here right now looking up at the ceiling, wondering when most of the things in my life will change for the better, but one things for certain that will never change and that is my love for my soul mate.

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Our souls have combined, forever to remain as one for all of eternity in my eyes.

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I feel loved, I feel wanted, I feel desperate and depressed and I feel like I could curl up into a ball ond die.

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But when I look at his picture, and I grab hold of the necklace I suddenly feel free.

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