Fallen-Prologue

A smiling young man with sparkling blue eyes and cropped jet black hair walks down a path leisurley, his hand gripping a young womans.He was slender and tall with a slight muscular build. The young woman beamed at him, lavender eyes staring up at him from the waving curls of amber that fell on her golden skin. She was willowy, and very beautiful. The two clung two eachother like lovebirds would as they strolled down a foot beaten path beneath the large oak trees. Birds chirrped, animal life scurrying about, the soft sounds of nature. Golden light fell on them from the evening sun in the clear blue sky.1

The girl leaned into the man slightly smiling up at him, staring into his intense eyes as they walked. Booom, the ground shook below them, throwing the girl into the mans arms as their eyes lit up with shock. The girl shuddered lightly in the mans arms as he whispered "What the hell was that?" 2

The girl pulls her face away from his chest, looking up at him with a worried glance, "Lets go back" she nearly cried. 3

The man shook his head slowly, "No we have to find out what that was." he stared towards what seemed to be the sight of the random explosion, his eyes searching for what happened. 4

"No.." The girl whispered shaking her head slowly amber curls bobbing.5

The man sighs slightly "Please babe?" He whispers looking down into her deep midnight purple eyes. 6

The girl sighed and leaned back into the mans chest. "Thank you" he whisperd turning towards where he thought the explosion came from and starting to walk. The young woman turned and slipped to his side, falling into step with him, holding onto his arm. There in the ground in front of a massive oak was a small crater. The mans eyes went wide and his mouth slightly came ajar as he stared at it. The girl just stared, no expression on her face whatsoever. The man cautiously stepped towards the crater, peeking over the edge, the girl nervously following. Curled into himself lay a small child of maybe 5 years or more, centered in the crater. The man's eyes went wide as he stepped to the edge, the girl's face stunned with shock. The young boy lie in the crater, his knees to his chest, on his side with his arms outstrectched in front of him. The young boy had a light complexion with ebony hair that fell near his shoulders and over his face. The man and woman stared in shock at the feathery ebony wings on the boys back. The man turned to the woman whispering "Stay here." Without waiting for a response he pulled away from her and stepped into the samll crater sliding down the side slowly, stepping down carefully. 7

He stopped just before the child reaching out to touch him. He didnt move and seemed to be unconcious, slow breaths showing he was still alive. The man reached out and touch the soft wings, brushing his fingers lightly against them. Before his eyes he watched the folded wings be pulled inside the young boy, only thing left was one ebony feather and a black tattoo on his back. He stared at the boy in shock and looked up towards the woman who had the same expression on her face. The girl held herself gripping at her tight black sleeves. The man quickly took off his jacket wrapping it around the boy and lifting him off the ground into his arms. He looked back to the woman, "What should we do with him?"8

"I dont know" the woman whispered staring at the boy with her shining purple gaze. 9

The man let out a heavy sigh, "Lets take him home with us." The woman stared at him for a long moment before accepting the choice. "We can't tell anyone what we saw." The girl shook her head slowly in acceptance, her hand at her lips with a cautious stare. Th man carried the boy out of the crater and they began their walk home to the small city on the outskirts of the woods. 10

After a near hour of walking, they stepped out of the forest, into a thin patch of tress that opened and then halted at the edge of the small village. They would have a lot of explaining to do but they would get through it. The boy wrapped in the mans jacket looked almost like a girl thanks to his long black hair. As they reached the village, whispers quickly spread through the town of the story that they had invented up. "We were walking alone down the traders path when suddenly there was an explosion that shook the earth. We looked where it was and found the boy unharmed not to far away. We decided to take him home after not finding the parents." Everyone quickly beleived the lie and accepted that the boy would be taken care of by the man and woman as their son. The man and woman took the boy home to their small house, the young child unconcious the entire time.

Tell me what you think, and gve me hints on how to do better.

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Comments


  • Silverwit
    February 16, 2008

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    A good begining to get many wanting to read more. I know I do.

    As for the piece in general you have quite a few typos that could easily be fixed if you reread it. Also you seem to switch from past to present/future tense at times. Don't do this. You need to stick with one tense or it will get confusing for the reader or just give them an annoying headache.

    Also you need to add in your escriptions better. Try showing them through action instead of just stating the description plainly.

    Your sentence: A smiling young man with sparkling blue eyes and cropped jet black hair walks down a path leisurley, his hand gripping a young womans.
    My version with action detail:
    A trod of footsteps could be heard as a young man walked further down the path. He smiled wide as his sparkling blue eyes glanced to his side where a young woman walked beside him, each at a leisure pace. The young woman let out a giggle and ran her fingers through the young man's cropped jet black hair before lacing her fingers between his.

    See? I almost made a decent paragraph just out of the description of the one character. Try this out a few times in Freewrite and you'd most likely be able to write even better! Keep writing!


  • Tsubasa
    February 15, 2008

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    You really have a way with words in your descriptions. I'm really intrigued-- I love these kinds of stories. This story is really beautiful, with the way you've written it. I'll have to go see what happens next. Thanks for writing!

    Tsubasa


  • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
    February 15, 2008

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    Ohhh this sounds like the making of a great story! I am so happy that I stumbled across your profile tonight and found it. I am much to tired to read the other chapters tonight as I am about to head to bed, but I will be back tomorow and continue on

    I am looking forward to reading more. You have some intriguing characters here. I can't wait to find out more on that boy!
    Joann

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • CrystalFlower
    January 26, 2008

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    Awesome!!

    It has a few typoes, but not major ones. But I love it, its a great write. Continue working on it, cause I want to read more!