White Rabbit

Before the needle even left my arm, I was high. 1

So blasted, in fact that I’d forgotten to even pull the syringe out. The familiar warmth of the world’s largest blanket encompassing my body took over and I allowed my head to fall back, eyes rolling back and showing whites, lids hanging at half mast. My small, pale body became soft and pliable, just as it always had. Nothing mattered. I only cared about the flurry of warmth soaring through my veins, slowing down my mind and removing me from the universe with such ease that it almost scared me. The old familiar pins and needles sensation of my body growing as numb as it possibly could blessed my nerve endings.2

Zach and Chris’s soft voices echoed through my ears, Tegan’s soft, high pitched giggles resounding through my already burned out brain. Slowly, I opened my eyes and glanced around at them. Tegan leaned forward, into the table, and in slow motion, grasped the small, orange pill bottle. Her fingers battled with the cap for a moment before it finally came off with a pop and large, white pills skittered across the table. 3

She fished a lighter out of her pocket, placed a dollar bill over two of the pills and pressed down hard. The crunching sound that the pills made slammed into my eardrums violently and my muscles let out a small twitch. Everything sat fuzzy around the edges, the warm blanket tightening around my body. A loose smile crawled onto my lips as I watched Tegan crush the tabs of hydrocodone up, then, pulling out her Student ID, separated the powder into eight lines. The dollar bill she had used on top of the pills was quickly rolled into a tube and pressed to her right nostril. She plugged her left and ducked her head down, sniffing up the line with great efficiency.4

Chris and Zach were busy with their beer and other pharmaceuticals that they’d bought off of their dealer. 5

“Izzy, were you able to get anything from your mom’s medicine cabinet?”6

I didn’t realize that he was talking to me at first. His words came out deeper than they usually did. For a moment, I didn’t even recognize his voice, but gave a small jump when I did, lifting my head back up. “Huh? What?”7

“Did you get anything off your mom?”8

“No, man; her Xanax prescription is all used up. The only stuff she’s got is those lame cold pills without ephedrine.”9

Zach’s nose wrinkled and he chased a small blue pill with a swig of Miller Lite, “Sucks.”10

“No kidding. That Xanax was good.”11

My head leaned back once again and I heaved a deep breath, although I did not need air. Breathing was honestly the very last thing on my mind. I wanted them to play music, anything; Pink Floyd, Rasputina, Alice in Chains; whatever… but it made Tegan’s skin hurt. Especially when she was as strung out as she was. So I dealt with the silence, as did Chris and Zach. 12

Chris coughed and stretched his arms out in front of him. “Pass me the balloon, Izzy.”13

I blinked over at him, “Dude… are you kidding me? You have an entire fucking drug store in your lap and you want to shoot MY dope? No way. If you like it so much, buy your own. I spent eight bucks of my money for this shit and I’m going to enjoy it.”14

His deep brown bangs fell into his eyes messily and he groaned, “Come on, I’ll give you a hit of my next balloon when I get some okay? Please?”15

Sluggishly, I reached over to the small table beside me and grasped the small balloon of heroin. I dangled it in the air before me, not trusting my body to support all 115 pounds of me just then. “You’re using your syringe.”16

After he placed everything aside so that it wouldn’t spill all over the place, he rose to his feet and stumbled over to my little seat and took the bag from me. He disappeared from the room and was gone for a good five minutes. He never shot up in front of anyone, not even us. He knew that we knew he did it, but he was ashamed that he’d allowed his habit to get so far as to putting it in his arm. And when I’m in an entirely honest mood, I’ve got to admit that I feel the same way. Once you start putting the shit in your veins, it’s all over. That’s all you’ll ever be, until you OD or get hurled into rehab or whatever. But once the drug hits me, I don’t care. I could have done it right in the middle of class and not cared at all.17

When he returned, his steps fell heavy and he tossed the balloon to me. I placed it back on the table and sat back, staring up at the ceiling and watching the lines warp slowly. My head tilted off to the side as I nodded in and out, the sleep of the angels, the only thing that mattered. This would either continue for the next six hours, or I would fall asleep completely.18

The latter proved to be what actually happened.19

When I woke up, Tegan was curled up beside me, using my thighs as a pillow. Her breathing was slow and even. My high had worn off, but after the nap, my body felt refreshed, even though I did feel a little sick. I wanted to shoot up again, but I was still working off the effects of my previous high. Zach and Chris were playing music softly, now that Tegan had fallen asleep and they wouldn’t have to worry about her skin hurting. 20

“What time is it?”21

Zach’s voice was back to its normal timbre. “About seven thirty or so.”22

“Shit,” I groaned and sat up, stretching. “I gotta get home.” I reached down and shook Tegan gently. “Hey, Dolly Q, c’mon, I gotta go and my legs are asleep.”23

Tegan stirred awake and she looked up at me blearily, “S’wrong?”24

“Nothing.” I said quietly, “I gotta go home though. My mom’s got a date, so I have to babysit.”25

Her small, button nose wrinkled and she sat up, running a hand through her deep burgundy hair. “That’s lame.”26

“No kidding.” Grabbing the balloon, spoon, syringe and lighter that I’d brought over, I stuffed them into my bag, sniffed loudly, and zipped up my book bag. I pulled my coat on, slipping on my oversized pink and black Vans, and then slung my bag over my shoulder. “I’ll see you guys later.”