There it was again. We all heard it but no one was making a move. Jeffrey squeezed his glass of Vodka as his conversation faltered. Debra’s eyes darted in my direction as she continued to explain something to Robert, who was oblivious to everything around him. I just stood there myself, listening for when the sound would present itself again.1
“Whose bright idea was this walking holiday anyway?” laughed Jeffrey nervously.2
Everyone was silent. There were only the four of us in the house, we all knew that. And the cottage stood miles from anywhere. But there is was again; singing. 3
Jeffrey tried to break the tension. “Let’s gather our stuff and go home! I always fancied trying a nice night trek.”4
We ignored him. We’d barely found our way here, and that was in the day. I moved to the window to take a look. 5
“Don’t,” said Debra shakily.6
“It’s okay,” I said calmly. 7
I recognised the song. 8
“Ring a ring a roses.”9
A nursery rhyme. 10
“A pocket full of posies.”11
It must be a child. Way out here? The knock made us jump. I changed direction, moving quickly towards the door.12
“What are you doing?” said Robert, blocking my path.13
I looked at them, reading the fear on their faces. Even the fire seemed to have died to its embers.14
“Robert, it’s blowing a gale out there and it’s freezing cold.”15
He didn’t move.16
I implored them all making eye contact one by one. “It’s a child!”17
Robert sighed, and stepped to the side. Their eyes fixed me as I cautiously opened the door. I felt the wind slam into my face. It caught my breath, making my eyes shut tight. When I opened them I expected to see the child, but there was nothing. Without the residual urban light there was nothing at all, nothing but blackness. I turned to look at the others. Following their gaze, that’s when I saw her.18
She was about eight. Willowy frame, skin and hair so pale I could almost see through her. Her feet were bare. She wore a stained grey dress, drab, like her expression.19
“What’s your name honey,” I ventured.20
“I don’t have a name.”21
“How did you get here, we’re miles from anywhere?”22
“I’m not here.”23
I stared at her, not sure what to say next.24
“I don’t have a name, and I’m not here, because I don’t exist.” She smiled. “And nor does this house; not for the last hundred years anyway.”25
And she was gone. It was all gone. 26
The cold wind punched me, knocking me to the ground. I could hear the others shouting, drifts of their voices on the wind. But I couldn’t see them. I couldn’t find them. I wandered a while, but it was useless. In the breaking dawn Mountain rescue picked me up. They say the hypothermia made me hallucinate. Hah! Did I imagine a whole house, my friends? The others still haven’t been found. Apparently I’m the lucky one.27
Author notes
Option 6
A contest entry
- Flash Fiction Contest by whichcraft.
150 points, ended February 19, 2008, 5 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Hey Elaine =)
Love what you did with the promt you chose here... I simply love the whole story, the suspense you manage to build up, the creepy feeling of 'what's going on?', and then the end that offers an explaination, but doesn't tell a definate truth =) I simply love the whole story... So glad I checked, cause I thought I'd read this before =P
Thanks for another great story =D
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Awww Mads! You are too kind - thanks for reading.
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Very nice tone to this
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I like the story a lot, you really pulled me in. I'm guessing there was a word limit but have you considered expanding on this?
I notices a couple punctuation mistakes, missing commas but that's easily fixed.
One suggestion for you is that unless it's in dialogue, 'and' or 'but' shouldn't start sentences. It tends to make the narrative less intense. I am looking forward to checking out your work. You've got a lot of talent -
Very good, I like this one..much lol keep writing, you have a flow that is real smooth
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AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!
ooh, creepy! great write! -
Wow what a twist for an ending! This was a very cool short story that indeed held my interest throughout the whole thing. I seen that you had this in a contest, good luck and I hope you win it
. Rewarded 4
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good, real dialogue. hard to find that nowadays.
gj.
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Commentary
To say the least, I've read this before but did not comment on it at the time. But now that I've the opportunity to have read it, I like how theres a sense of apprehension there which is usually hard to pull off sometimes. Good luck and keep penning. Rewarded 4
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In the third paragraph, fourth sentence, "is" should be "it." The confrontation with the girl is too shallow and quick. The resolution is too quick. The emotions in the last paragraph contradict the integrity of the rest of the story, and seem like an easy way out of a story that could be better. It is a flash fiction piece, but that does not mean it has to be rushed. It is not badly written. The story has potential to be good.
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that was cool!
i liked it a lot.
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Excellent!
The dialogs short sharp punchy delivery is excellent as is the pace and youre tip top use of language.
All the very best.
jsdk
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That was great! You followed the flow of the introductory paragraph and kept right on going, speeding up with excitement all the way. Your short story had the remnants of Stephen King horror and drama that I like without any gore. I really liked how you put it all together and kept me at the edge of my seat. Well done and well written. Good luck and thank you for entering.
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