Why I Don't Write Romance

They walked hand in hand down the path, the sun streaming through the trees casting soft shadows on them both. 1

Charles gazed into Samantha's eyes as he murmured, 'You are the most beautiful person I have ever seen, my dear.'2

Samantha smirked as she said, 'You are so cheesy, Charles.'3

He grinned an ear splitting grin, and kissed her lightly on the cheek. 'I know, but you love it.'4

She just laughed. He was right, she did love it. She laid her head on his shoulder, feeling his steady pulse as they walked slowly through the park.5

Charles took a measured breath, savoring the sweet smell of her perfume. He kissed her hair and smiled. 6

They walked in silence for awhile, simply enjoying each other's presence.7

Charles bit his lip nervously; steeling himself for what he was about to do. 8

He stopped walking.9

Samantha looked up at him, curiosity only slightly diluting the love in her eyes. 10

'Samantha.' He paused as he knelt down on one knee, and pulled something from his pocket. 'Samantha, will you marry me?' he asked, his voice soft but steady, as he carefully opened the small box and held it up to her.11

A tear trickled down her cheek, and she smiled at him through misty eyes. Her mouth opened to give her answer.12

Blam!13

'Boom! Head shot!' yelled a voice.14

Charles eyes widened in horror as Samantha's head exploded in a shower of red. He swallowed with difficulty as her body tottered, then with slow grace fell backwards onto the now, somewhat, red grass.15

He stared in shock at her, his mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water as he tried to comprehend what had happened.16

For a full minute stared at her body, before finally, he spoke.17

'...Samantha...?' he croaked before lapsing again into silence.18

The sounds of children playing in the park, filtered through the trees.19

As the shock of what happened left, he scowled as he said, 'Aww dammit, not again.' 20

He stood up, pocketed the ring and stalked sullenly off into the gathering dusk.21

Author notes

Err.... To many late nights, and long days at work? Haha, enjoy.

DoozerDan's me name, for whoever was asking.

If willy gets the willies does nelly get the nillies? Interesting.

In a list

A contest entry

Bet you didn't see that coming ;)

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 4913. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 30 of 220     1 2 3 4  next >  (show all)

  • Lawliet
    November 27
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    Edit | Reply
    oh, yeah, heh, sorry >.> x)

    paragraph eleven, line one, the comma wouldn't make it sound as awkward if it said "pulling" instead of "and pulled", and there doesn't need to be a comma after "steady".

    paragraph 15, I think the sentence might sound a little better if there weren't commas before and after "somewhat".

    paragraph 17, there should be an additional comma after "before".

    and in eighteen there could be one after "croaked", but that's more of a one-way-or-the-other thing.

    nineteen, there shouldn't be a comma after "park".

    lastly, 21, there should be a comma after "ring".


    v.v these are a little opinionated, though. I just think it would sound a little better.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      November 27
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      Ahh, thank you for that. I will look into them. Whether I change many is a different mater, because I use them to direct how it's read, so some may be purposeful.

      Thank you again.


  • Lawliet
    November 27
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    v.v okay, I'll admit... I didn't see it coming >.> But... yeah xD

    You could make it a smoother read by turning things like "you are" into one word (you're). And there were a few kind of weird things with commas.

    But... haha xD Niiiiice.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      November 27
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      Hmm, I like it the way it is with 'you are' - besides that is in dialogue, so it doesn't have to be smooth, because not everyone speaks smoothly.

      Mind pointing out some of those comma things? I can't very well fix them unless they're pointed out...

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.


  • tonialoise
    November 25
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    Ah love...

    p3 Shouldn't there be a comma between cheesy and Charles?

    I saw what I think are a few comma splices such as in p16 "He stared in shock at her, his mouth... but as I'm still learning about them myself, I don't want to be too judgmental

    Hehe... After reading some of your work I wasn't too surprised by the twist. Though I wasn't expecting the "Head Shot!" nor him saying "not again" at the end. That last bit was what made the piece!

    Really a nice funny piece again Dan!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      November 25
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe.

      Gee, missed that comma, it's in now. And I tidied up p16, it was a touch messy.

      Glad you enjoyed it, and that I managed to have something in it that was still unforeseen. Ya know, I should write a story where no one dies, that'd be a twist for anyone who reads a lot of my stuff. xD

      Thank you for reading, commenting and applauding.

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    November 25
    ?
    Edit | Reply

    You're right I didn't see it coming.

    My kind of Romance .

    Although I didn't laugh until the end and I really figured Charles was out to kill her (my evil mine)this was humorous.

    You're right I didn't see it coming. Not the murder but the meathod. It sounds like he lives in a place where 'Drivebys' are comman.

    You've won more with this little piece than most of us have with pages .

    Geri


  • BlueWave
    November 20
    ?
    Edit | Reply

    Nice.....

    It definitely isn't your average romance story. It's kind of dark and sardonic in a way. I like it, although I was slightly confused towards the end.
    Who shot at her?Tongue out


    • DoozerDan silver member
      November 20
      ?
      Edit | Reply
      Heh. Glad you enjoyed.

      Doesn't matter who shot her. Mainly 'cause I have no idea - someone.


  • Mel-the-Believer
    November 19
    ?
    Edit | Reply
    'not again', what's that supposed to mean? Very nice. The romantic part of mean wanted them to go on happily ever after...by the way that sounds sappy enough, too weird, but as I read the final line I was like what the heck and chuckled. Nicely done. I liked it. Keep up the writing. God Bless!


  • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
    November 8

    Edit | Reply

    Hi

    This story is being considered for inclusion in a Storywrite anthology we hope to publish. If you would like this story to be considered, please apply to this group:

    http://storywrite.com/group/info/Storywrite%20Anthology%20Volume%20One?stay=1

    Andy


  • Half-Judgemental silver member
    November 4

    Edit | Reply
    Aww damnit not another sucky, sucky romance-and boom! she died.
    I loved this. Everyone is so busy writing about love and happily ever after and defeating the odds that no one ever pauses to think that the two lovers might not have been seperated by the evil parents, but by a simple gunshot. Really dark, I liked it,
    Oh, not again. Are you trying to say that this had already happened to the guy before?

  • ninju
    November 1
    Edit | Reply

    Dumbfounded

    Takes my breath away ...


  • DarkDayMagic
    October 23

    Edit | Reply
    That's one hell of an ending there. Completely caught me off guard.
    Leaves me wondering what the hell happened...


    I liked it.


  • BookGirl
    October 23

    Edit | Reply
    No, I did not see that coming!! :-o I was quite horrified.
    I thought his reaction was really good... until I got to "not again," at which point my eyes opened a little wider and I said, "HUH?!".
    You sure got some reactions out of me - there was a lot of the element of surprise in this.
    By the way, the sound of children playing was a really great touch - makes it seem so much more real.


  • Andy Stephenson Greeters member
    October 18
    Edit | Reply

    Well Written!

    I certainly wasn't expecting that! He was so casual about her being killed. Did the children do it! Part of me would like to see this expanded and part of me feels its complete.

    This story has been around in a lot of contests and I had wondered what it was about. I figured it would be comedy, but I didn't expect it to be so dark.

    Thanks for entering Exceptional Stories To Be Published - 2.

    Andy


    • DoozerDan silver member
      October 20

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Andy.

      Some random person did it. The kids are innocent.

      Not long after I first wrote this I was planing on expanding it, but all that I came up with just wasn't quite right - it detracted from the impact of the piece. Which wasn't good in my opinion.

      I think I've been up against your Santa story quite a few times with this.

      Glad you enjoyed.


  • Willy nilly
    October 18

    Edit | Reply
    TITLE = 2/2PTS
    STRUCTURE = 20/30PTS
    FLOW = 9/15PTS
    CHARACTERS = 17/20PTS
    IMAGERY = 10/18PTS
    DESCRIPTION = 4/5PTS
    SETTING = 9/10PTS

    total = 71


  • dancindream
    October 12
    Edit | Reply
    wow! LOL it was so tragic but then the ending was so lighthearted. I dunno if Ive read this before, or if it was the title, but I knew something bad was going to happen as soon as I started reading it. The begginig started off so idllic and then BOOM the whole mood changes! This main character seems to have bad luck with proposing! Anyways good job. I enjoyed the read

    xoxo


  • NosferatuWoman
    October 12
    Edit | Reply
    OK, yeah, now I see why you don't write Love Stories... haha. You had such a nice romantic storyline going and then "Blam!" The guy didn't even seem too surprised. Wonder how many times this sort of thing has happened to him & just who he has pissed off to that extent? Great writing. No errors in grammar that I found.


  • JessiesDaughter
    October 11

    Edit | Reply
    You got me! Not at all what I expected! I had to think about this one and I love stories that make me think.

    How many times had Charles been through this? The funny thing is that I actually asked myself if he keeps the ring and uses it each time!

    Great story!


  • KixiusMaximusArsus
    October 6

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, that was a shock......I was just thinking how romantic and stuff, then BOOM and she's dead...... huh........lol your just so random sometimes XD Great job


  • MsAlee silver member
    September 23

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, very interesting there. I was thinking awww how sweet and then there goes the poor girls head.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      September 23
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe. 'Wow' is a very common response to this piece. Glad you enjoyed.


  • Kevan Greeters member
    September 22

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, haha, this is good.
    Very interesting. You think this is the right person. You think this is the right time, and just when you go to say the thing that's been on your mind for so long... BLAM!! Their head explodes.
    This happens to me all the time, so your protagonist shouldn't feel too bad.
    Anyways, thanks for the great read. Good luck in all your contests.
    Kevan.


  • VintageRosePrincess
    September 18
    Edit | Reply

    I Love Chocolate

    I loved the story, alot. And.... I LOVE CHOCOLATE! But my Drama teacher keeps taking it away.


  • Thorn-on-the-Rose
    September 15

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, I thought this was gonna be all sweet and romantic, but when her head exploded, OMG, I burst out laughing, that was hilarouis, but what really got me was the 'aww, not again!' wow, great job! I loved it!

    Godd luck in the my contest =DD

    -Dani


  • Ghost of a Siren
    September 14

    Edit | Reply
    This was so funny. It completely caught me by surprise, but after that I couldn't stop laughing! Great job.


  • Six-Feet-Underwater
    September 12

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, really wow. Totally caught me out in left field with that one. It's an interesting story, very well written. Nice job hehe.


  • Iamjay
    September 10

    Edit | Reply

    Hey

    this was amazing
    i really enjoyed it
    it was full of romance
    very detialed and imaginative
    i was really drawn in
    i can see why it won so many
    awards

    . Rewarded 4

1 - 30 of 220     1 2 3 4  next >  (show all)