One Fated Nighmare... Chapter #1 (Revised 2.4.08)

Missing image

The hindering rain poured down extremely hard interfering immensely with the road's visibility. Selene cursed under her breath as she strained forward, trying to see out of the windshield. The visibility of the darkened road had begun to diminish fast. She hated being out on stormy nights. She truly wished she had never even ventured out into a mess such as this. Thinking to herself she muttered... Sometimes I hate England and all of this bloody rain they have. The wind howled as the storm increased in intensity. 1

2

The lights of the on coming cars were barely visible through her fogged over windows. She cut the defroster up to improve the visibility and slowed her speed down. Suddenly her mobile phone rang. She had only looked away for one split second. However, that second had been long enough to cause her to miss seeing the turn off sign she had been looking for. Picking up her phone she answered it. She heard her sister, Sara, on the other end of the phone.
3

"Selene! Hey sis, where on earth are you? I thought you would be here by now?" 4


"Sara... Hey! I can barely understand you. This storm is terrible tonight. I had no idea it was going to get this bad! I'll be there as soon as I can, but with this weather I have no clue when that might be." Selene reached down to turn the radio dial off so she could hear Sara better.5


"Storm? It's barely even raining here at my place." Sara walked over looking out the window of her home. "Actually, I take that back. It's not even raining here now."6


"You're kidding me? Well it's storming like crazy here. I can barely see the road." Selene swerved her car when she saw a tree that had partially fallen across the road. "Shit!" Her signal then started to fade out. "Sara, I got to go. I'll be there as soon as I can."7


"Be careful! Oh and call me if you run into any trouble."8


"Don't worry sis, I will. I'll see you in a little while." Selene hung the phone up then laid it back down in the seat beside her.
9

After awhile, she finally started to wonder if maybe she had come too far. Ten minutes passed. Then thirty minutes. Looking around she searched for a place to turn, but there was no place wide enough for her to do so. She saw nothing ahead except the long, darkened, winding road. Hundreds of trees surrounded either side of it. The trees alone appeared very spooky with their bare branches moving about in the wind. She noticed a sign on the edge of the road and had a strange feeling come over her. It was halfway covered up by the bare tree limbs. The town name however, was clearly visible. She read it out, which left her feeling even more uneasy about where she was headed to.. "Devil's Corner just 8 miles ahead"; the name was written in bold red letters.10

11

Something about this road, that sign, suddenly had left her feeling very uncomfortable about the whole situation. As if that wasn't enough, she suddenly heard a loud noise, which sounded almost as if a gun had gone off. Her vehicle started to lose immediate control. The car spun around in the middle of the road as it skidded in all directions. After a few moments, Selene finally managed to get stopped safely on the side of the road. She hit the steering wheel and cursed out loud. She found herself wondering, just what could possibly happen next. Shaking her head, she got out of the car to see what had actually happened. It was then that she saw her front driver's side tire was completely flattened. Reaching down, she noticed a large nail that was embedded in her tire. 12

13


"Damn it!!!" Selene stood up. She kicked the tire of her car, feeling pissed off. "What the hell next?! First, I miss my turn. Now I end up with a flat tire. And the nearest town is Devils Corner?! Can this night possibly get any worse!?"14


Selene honestly had no idea how to change a flat tire. And even if she did, her car didn't have a spare. She and her sister had taken a road trip a few years ago. While driving, they had gotten a flat. Luckily someone had come along and helped them out. However, she had never put another tire in to replace the old one. The rain continued to pour down all around her as the wind whistled through the trees. She stood there wondering, what on earth she was going to do now. Getting her mobile phone out she tried to call out on it. Of course, as luck would have it, there was no signal.15


"Great! Just Great... This is such a nowhere town I can't even get a signal! Now what am I suppose to do?!" Selene shook her head as she leaned up against her car in the pouring down rain. Her hair quickly became soaked as it plastered itself all over her face. She wished she were at home in bed where she belonged. Her sister had been the only reason she had ventured out tonight. The two were suppose to get together and plan out a trip to Hawaii that they were going to take.16

17

Lost in her thoughts, she was startled upon seeing the bright glare of headlights coming up on her. As the car slowed down, she found herself wondering, if she should get in her car and lock the doors. She mumbled under her breath  "Real bright, Selene! As if that would do any good. Hello! You're stuck here. Remember!" 18

19

Selene reached back inside her car and pulled out a loaded pistol. She kept it in her hand bag, just as a safety measure. Also, she knew damn well how to use it, and would not hesitate if she were threatened. The car stopped and pulled over on to the side of the road, directly behind hers. Slowly the driver opened the door of their car and stepped out. He walked cautiously over to where she stood.20

21

"Looks like you could use some help out here, Miss.?" The man knelt down and noticed that the woman had a flat tire. "Do, you have a spare? I'm no expert, but I have changed a few tires in my day. I would be happy to help you out". 22

23

"No, unfortunately I don't have one. I had to use mine a few years ago and silly me never put one back. My sister kept at me to do so and well... God how I wish I had listened to her now..." She sighed as she held the pistol in front of her. Making sure, it was in plain view so he could see it. She was sometimes a bit overly cautious when it came to flaunting the gun. It all stemmed from something that happened a few years ago in college. Still as she stood there holding it she couldn't help but feel a little silly. It wasn't like the man stopped to do anything except help her out, was it?24

25

The man stood back up, as he noticed the gun she held in her hand. "Look lady, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm actually a police officer back in London. So could you please put the gun down." He pulled his badge out, and showed it to her. "I only stopped to see if you could use a hand." 26

27

Selene looked at his badge, seeing that he in fact was a legit police officer. Being as she had went to training herself she immediately recognized the badge. It was at that moment. She felt just maybe, she could trust him. Slowly she lowered the gun, hoping she wasn't being too hasty in trusting this stranger. She reached into the car seat, got her hand bag and put the pistol back away out of sight. "I'm sorry, I guess I can be... Well..." She nervously laughed some. "A little paranoid at times; especially when I'm stuck in a place such as this." Selene's voice trailed off as the night from college flashed back in her mind. She shook her head pushing the thoughts away.28

29

He smiled at her. "It's okay ma'am, it actually does pay to be safe these days, believe me. I deal with things every day that would make me just as paranoid if I was in your situation." He held his hand out to her and smiled. "I'm Luke Stone, by the way."30

31


The headlights from Luke's car shown on Selene; It was obvious that he was feeling an immediate attraction towards this alluring stranger. Selene took notice as she saw his eyes roaming over her petite, attractive frame. Her long brown hair although soaking wet, and clinging around her face in wet strands, was gorgeous. Her piercing eyes appeared to be the deepest shade of hazel. They were enough to have made any man feel weak in the knees. The clothes she had on, now soaked by the rain clung tight around her curvaceous body. Something about her obviously made him feel a deep attraction the moment he laid eyes on her and she could certainly tell that by the look he gave her. 32

33


Selene smiled shyly as she held her hand out and shook hands with him. "Selene LeVox. It's very nice to meet you Luke. And thank you soooo much, for stopping to help me out!" Selene had noticed the way he was looking at her and blushed some, she knew full well he was checking her out. It actually made her feel quite nervous. Not that she wasn't doing some checking out of her own as well; she couldn't help but notice just how handsome he seemed to be. While taking a glance over his attractive stature, she guessed that he must be at least over six feet tall. She wasn't able to tell very much about him though, since his back remained turned to the lights. Still, there was something that instantly intrigued her about this handsome officer. 34

 35

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He smiled shyly, as he noticed the look she had in her eyes. "It's nice to meet you Ms. LeVox. I was more than happy to stop and see if you needed a hand with anything. I haven't tried my mobile yet or the cb in the car so..." His voice trailed off abruptly when he noticed how she was shivering. "God, you must be freezing out here in this rain. Why don't you come and sit down in my car. Then I can see if I could possibly have any luck calling out for help." Without waiting on an answer; He put his arms around her, helping her to his car. Opening the passenger side door for her, he let her step inside, then closed it back.
37

38

Luke walked over to the driver's side and got in the car as well. The minute he shut his door; He cut the heat up on high for her. He hoped it would help her warm back up. He then tried his mobile phone. He mumbled under his breath when he didn't get a signal. Afterwards he tried to radio into the London office on the cb, but no luck with that either. He shook his head, then laid it back down and looked at Selene. "I'm sorry Ms. LeVox, it doesn't look like I was much help. Neither my mobile nor the cb is working. It must be this storm. It's possible that it could have knocked a tower out in this area. I don't think either of us seems to be having much luck tonight. Right now, I honestly have no clue where I even am either."
39

40

"Awww it's okay at least you tried. Besides, it's not like either of us can magically make our phones work." Selene smiled at Luke, and laughed some. "And please, call me Selene". She then realized what he had said. She continued to speak. "You're kidding me? You're lost too? What are the odds of that happening to both of us tonight? I am lost and stranded, what a perfect combination." She giggled some as she continued. "Apparently I missed my turn off somewhere back there due to how hard the rain was coming down in this storm. I started looking for a place to turn around when I realized it, but I never saw one. I did happen to see a sign about 2 miles back. It said there was a town up ahead about 8 miles. The town name struck me as rather odd though. It gave me the creeps actually, its name was Devil's Corner"41

 42

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"Devil's Corner?? I have lived in London all of my life and never even heard of a town called that. Somehow I don't think that I missed out on anything either. I honestly don't like the sound of that place myself. Hopefully they should at least have a working phone there; since it's not too far ahead. Maybe we should go there and see if their phones are in working order? That is if you trust to come with me. If you don't, then of course I'd understand. I just would really feel much better if you stayed with me." Luke paused, as he awaited her reply.44

45

"I honestly would feel much better if I stayed with you too" Selene smiled up at Luke. "Let me lock my car up first, although, I doubt locking it would do much good out here." Selene laughed, then got out of the car. She walked over to hers, got a few other things from it, locked the doors, and came back over. She opened the door and got back into Luke's car.. 46

47

Luke pulled slowly back out on to the highway. He flipped the radio on low as they started back down the darkened road. The song "Somebody's Watching Me" began to play over the air ways. It gave an eerie feeling in the night air as they made there way towards the mysterious town of "Devil's Corner".48

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 50

Continue to Chapter #2... 51

Author notes

New edit done May 3rd. (I ran it through MS Word)

Special thanks especially to xBitterxSweetx for her help and IGWooten for helping me iron out some of the grammar kinks I had.

I organized the story as well as the bios for Selene and Luke in a list. This will have many parts.

Thanks to Narrissa Snow on informing me of the UK gun laws. It actually fits in with my story. Selene's could very realistically be illegal and I have decided to write it as it is. You have to get to chapter 5 to find out why though.

Also thanks to whichcraft for giving this gold in her contest!! I was so shocked and thrilled to get gold for this one. This was not written specifically for a contest. I just decided to enter it in a couple that allowed pre-writes.

~~Joann~~

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Comments

1 - 73 of 73
  • uglyteen
    November 12
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    This is good. Very interesting and suspenseful.

  • mbuchanan
    July 21

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    I liked this. You hade very good descriptions and did well with your characters. I will enjoy reading more of this.

  • I think this a very interesting tale thus far. I am glad that I clicked on it after looking on your page.

    I really think the dialogue and character interaction are realistic. Incredible job on that. I liked how you described throughout, too, especially when they were summing each other up. I see where that's going...or at least I hope I do.

    This is my favorite part:

    "Damn it!!!" Selene stood up. She kicked the tire of her car, feeling pissed off. "What the hell next?! First, I miss my turn. Now I end up with a flat tire. And the nearest town is Devils Corner?! Can this night possibly get any worse!?"

    She's been having one heck of a night. I am glad Prince Charming came along, though. Thanks for that. I cannot wait to see what's waiting for them at the Devil's Corner. I know it can't be good. At least they have one another. You've got me hooked.

    I do have some suggestions and whatnot:

    Par 1: The hindering rain poured down extremely hard [,] interfering immensely with the road's visibility. / Thinking to herself [,] she muttered...

    Par 3: The lights of the on coming [oncoming] cars were barely visible through her fogged over windows. / However, that second had been long enough to cause her to miss seeing the turn off [turnoff] sign she had been looking for. Picking up her phone [,] she answered it. She heard her sister, Sara, on the other end of the phone. [del: of the phone, since it’s clear]

    Par 10: After awhile, she finally started to wonder [started wondering] if maybe she had come too far. / Looking around [,] she searched for a place to turn, but there was no place wide enough for her to do so. / The town name [,] however, was clearly visible. She read it out, which left her feeling even more uneasy about where she was headed to.. [one period???]

    Par 12: She hit the steering wheel and cursed out loud [aloud]. She found herself wondering, [del: comma] just what could possibly happen next. Shaking her head, she got out of the car to see what had actually [actually???] happened [you used this word in the previous sentence]. It was then that she saw her front driver's side tire was completely flattened. Reaching down, she noticed a large nail that was [del: that was] embedded in her tire.

    Par 15: The rain continued to [del: to] pour [pouring] down all around her as the wind whistled through the trees. She stood there wondering, [del: comma] what on earth she was going to do now. Getting her mobile phone out [,] she tried to call out on it [del: on it].

    Par 16: Selene shook her head as she leaned up against her car in the pouring down [del: down] rain.

    Par 18: She mumbled under her breath[,] "Real bright, Selene!"

    Par 20: Selene reached back [del: back] inside her car and pulled out a loaded pistol. / The car stopped and pulled over on to the side of the road, directly behind hers. Slowly the driver opened the door of their car and stepped out. [Rewritten: The car pulled over behind her. She watched as the driver opened his door and stepped out.]

    Par 22: "Looks like you could use some help out here, Miss. [del: period]?" The man knelt down and noticed that the woman had a flat tire. "Do, [del: comma] you have a spare? I'm no expert, but I have changed a few tires in my day. I would be happy to help you out". [.”]

    Par 24: Making sure, [del: comma] it was in plain view so he could see it. / Still [,] as she stood there holding it [,] she couldn't help but feel a little silly.

    Par 26: The man stood back up, as he noticed [noticing] the gun she held in her hand. "Look [,] lady, I'm not going to hurt you. I'm actually a police officer back in London. So could you please put the gun down." [?”]

    Par 28: Selene looked at his badge, seeing that he [,] in fact [,] was a legit police officer. Being as she had went to training herself [,] she immediately recognized the badge. It was at that moment. [???] She felt just maybe, she could trust him. [She felt maybe she could trust him.] Slowly she lowered the gun, hoping she wasn't being too hasty in trusting this stranger. She reached into the car seat, got her hand bag and put the pistol back away [del: back away] out of sight. / She shook her head [,] pushing the thoughts away.

    Par 32: The headlights from Luke's car shown on Selene; It [it] was obvious that he was feeling an immediate attraction towards this alluring stranger. Selene took notice [noticed this] as she saw his eyes roaming over her petite, attractive frame. Her long brown hair [,] although soaking wet, [del: comma] and clinging around her face in wet strands, was gorgeous.

    Par 34: "It's very nice to meet you [,] Luke. And thank you soooo much, [del: comma] for stopping to help me out!" Selene had noticed the way he was looking at her and blushed some, [;] she knew full well he was checking her out.

    Par 37: He smiled shyly, as he noticed [noticing] the look she had in her eyes. "It's nice to meet you [,] Ms. LeVox.” / "God, you must be freezing out here in this rain. Why don't you come and sit down in my car. [?] Then I can see if I could possibly have any luck calling out for help." Without waiting on an answer; [,] He [he] put his arms around her, helping her to his car.

    Par 39: The minute he shut his door; [,] He [he] cut the heat up on high for her. / "I'm sorry [,] Ms. LeVox, it doesn't look like I was much help."

    Par 41: "And please, call me Selene". [.”] / "It gave me the creeps actually, its name was Devil's Corner" [.”]

    Par 44: "That is [,] if you trust to come with me."

    Par 46: "I honestly would feel much better if I stayed with you too" [,”] Selene smiled up at Luke. / She opened the door and got back into Luke's car.. [one period???]

    Par 48: It gave an eerie feeling in the night air as they made there [their] way towards the mysterious town of "Devil's Corner". [.”]

    • Thank you so very much After how terrible the past few weeks have been on me it's awesome to read such a lovely comment. Thanks so much and I will check into those!
      Joann


  • scriptor
    May 24, 2008

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    wow that chick is paranoid. It was very well written and for some reason i cant help being creeped out


  • Lokkalozza
    April 2, 2008

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    Hey this isn't too bad! lol I think it's very well written and opens it up for more chapters. I think you have a knack for writing so keep it up and it's good to get information about certain things from other people. Best wishes Lokka xo

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      April 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Lokka I have quite a few chapters of it now and then soon I am going to have a continuation of it as well. Thanks very much much for your comments and the read!
      ~Joann


  • terror
    April 2, 2008

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    I like the beggining to this and am definatly going to keep reading

    My only suggestions for improvement is to change to word popping in paragraph 12 for something less common.

    beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.


    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      April 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you I will see if I can think of a better word for that right now and edit it in.
      ~Joann


  • Glowstarcharmer
    March 29, 2008

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    Hey hun, just re-read this and it seems pretty good to me. The only American term that you used was 'purse' when in England we would say 'handbag'. Over here what we call a purse is I think what you would call a wallet. Other than that it sounded English enough to me. I hope this has helped and well done for winning a gold trophy for this story! Right, Im off to re-read the next chapter.

    X Amber X


    • ArtificialSweetener
      April 20, 2008
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      Hey! Another re-read from me! Defiantly better, and I am so hooked on this series! Also, Glowstarchamer, I'm english, and I call my wallet a purse... No way! I can't speak english anymore

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      March 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! Ahhh hand bag I must remember that one and I will go straight and change it as well. I only made it up to chapter 4 in fixing the words. I have to try to catch all the others either later this evening or tomorow. The gold actually totally shocked me when I got it lol. Thanks again
      ~Joann


  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    March 29, 2008

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    The dialogue fits in with the activity taking place which was easy to follow.

    A good opening chapter, it has a bit of humor mixed in with scary business and of course the hints of romance.

    The two characters are visible, a little too great looking but I understand that’s acceptable in the romance genre .

    I don’t write it and I never much read it so you will have to bear with my lack of expertise here.

    The dialogue fits in with the activity taking place which was easy to follow. The plot is apparently going to creep either in to mystery or fantasy. We get kind of a witchy feeling with the weather and the town named Devil .

    I picked out somethings you should look at: we poor writers always have those .

    The visibility of the darkened road had began (begun) to diminish fast.

    After awhile, she finally started to wonder if maybe she had come to (too )far.

    It was then that she saw her front drivers(driver's) side tire was completley (completely) flattened.

    Luckily someone had came (come) along and helped them out.

    She wished she was (were) at home in bed where she belonged.

    and would not hesitate if she was (were)threatened.

    Slowly the driver opened the door of there (their) car and stepped out.

    hoping she wasn't being to (too) hasty in trusting this stranger.

    It was obvious that he was feeling an immidiant (immediate) attraction

    Selene took notice as she seen (saw) his eyes roaming over her petite, attractive frame. She had to have been the most beautiful woman he had ever laid eyes on.(POV switch. She can’t know what he’s thinking.)

    Luke walked over to the drivers (driver’s) side

    I don't think either of us seem (seems) to be having much luck tonight.

    errie (eerie) feeling in the night air as they made there way

    Grand ending hook. Makes you want to read the next chapter. Geri

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      March 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      Thank you so much for the comment Geri! I have been trying to go back through and re-read on this today and do some correcting plus reading my friends stories too and I just don't seem to have enough time for it all today *sigh* Glad I have a few more days off work after tonight. I fixed all of those. My grammar was terrible in this first chapter. I am slowly improving on it, thankfully. The see/saw/seen thing and was/were seems to still be my biggest issue of all now. Thank you very much for the comments and suggestions they're much appreciated!
      ~Joann


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    March 27, 2008

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    Ohhhh Joann this is wonderful. Your descriptions were great and the scene was unfolding flawlessly.

    I have a suggestion or two...para 14 the last line just doesn't sound right. I know the sentence before it is a (and I know I can't spell it) retorical question, so why answer it?

    And my other suggestion would be smell. This story has loads of potential for smell.

    Para 32 immediate instead of immidiant. *shrugs*

    Loved it and I should have picked this up and read it long ago.

    Brooke

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      March 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks :)

      Thanks Brooke! I will get those fixed today before I get off, as soon as I catch up on some of my reading on here lol. For some reason my spell checker never does catch immediate. Thank you again for the applause and comments
      ~Joann


  • Fizbop
    March 26, 2008

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    To better comment on my very limited time of posting comments. I really enjoyed this story so much that it has inspired me to pick up my older story up and try to get it going again. Thank you for this story.


  • MoonRoseWolf gold member
    March 24, 2008

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    Okay, first, I really loved this!

    I don't know if this has already been pointed out or not, but it is illegal to carry any sort of firearm in this country, even the police don't have them usually, so I find it a little strange at how calm he is about her carrying one. Also, he calls his mobile a 'cell phone?' I don't know if his character is english or not, but we normally call them 'mobiles' or 'mobile phones'...

    Anyway, now we have all that out the way......well done! This is a brilliantly written story, you have the characers so perfectly pictured in my mind, and your imagery is very good!

    You draw the reader in so easily, and what is better, you keep them there!
    I also loved it how she knows how to use a pistol, but can't change a tyre! lol .......

    This was a fantastic chapter, and I really don't know why I haven't read this before! I can't wait to read the next one, well done!

    ~Mirry xx

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      March 27, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks :)

      Thanks for the applause and comments Yep the illegal part was pointed out and I have an explanation in chapter 5 on why she has it. She is rich so realistically could have an illegal one. I had no idea of that law until someone told me that. Ahhh I didn't know that on mobile phones either. I will also do an edit on that later and change it from cell to mobile. Thanks so much for informing me of what things are called there and I most certainly will make the changes tonight or tomorrow to reflect that
      ~Joann


  • HaydenLautner
    March 17, 2008

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    Amazing

    Your story is absolutely fantastic from beginning to finish.
    An absolutely flawless story.
    You seriously need to give me some tips..
    Great story loved it well done


  • Missi
    March 12, 2008

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    i think the story opening was wicked and how selene met luke was unpredictable.

    i enjoy stories like this very unique and a mixture of rom an fantasy, you made me it so real as well

    it was creepy and i loved it

    (im in luv wit luke already)


    lol i thought i should say that

    p.s i told you i would read it hahaha


  • LostSoulOfRage
    March 6, 2008

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    WOW!

    ohhhh creeppy!!! i love it! at first i wasnt so sure about this story, but then as i got toward the ending i absoultly loved it! oh and the song coming on???? way creepy! it feels like im in a horror movie myself. your discription and story telling was amazing i felt like i was actually there.
    this story is really amazing and i cant wait to read the rest of this. i unfortuantly dont have time to read more now, but i will as soon as i get the chance. great job and keep it up!

    -LostSoul


  • FantasyFable
    March 5, 2008

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    WOW! that was amazing and reminds me slightly of those hitch hiker horror movies where they get stranded and picked up by mountain monsters to be eaten! (I watch way to many movies! lol) like dead end and the hills have eyes stuff like that! I could just imagine how luke was talking and the whole scene! amazingly done!! excellent work! Best I have read tonight! Definately deserved the gold and I will be reading all the other chapters too! you can count on that!


  • J.R. Coleman
    February 24, 2008

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    Mmm.. interesting. Not quite what I'm looking for, but still a good write. Well written and descriptive. Good love in the contest.


  • LadyLionnir
    February 21, 2008

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    Oh, wonderful write but I see you have TONS of comments, lol. I honestly loved your originality and the secretiveness you laced in there. Something happened at a college and I'm curious to know what!!! Off to read more. Keep writing.

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      February 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much for the comments and applause I did so much editing on this chapter! Whew! LOL. The thing that happened to Selene is actually revealed in one of the chapters I already have up and there is another twist to it to when I finish number 6 that is! Thanks again.
      ~Joann

  • TheDayTimeStopped
    February 21, 2008

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    i really like this. u are putting a real world situation that could really happen and does into the story


  • JJBanReo gold member
    February 18, 2008

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    Good Story

    I liked it very much. My only criticism is it all seems to be overly described. Some fine tuning and tightening to some of the passive voice needed. I don't get online much but I'll try to read one chapter a week.
    JJ

    beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 2, characters: 3.


  • Kat222
    February 18, 2008
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    i meant its really good not goo lol

  • Kat222
    February 18, 2008

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    this was really goo. really good descriptions. but what kind of idiot gets into a stranger's car no matter who they said the were lol. women in stories are so stupid lol. kind of like watching television. Great Job.

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      February 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      LOL I wouldn't be that dense either. I kind of have this "fate" thing going on these two though. Kinda like knowing inside when someone is being honest. Anytime I follow my gut instincts like that, they tend to be right on me as well. If I have that little voice saying no no then buddy I would not trust disobeying that voice lol.


  • pulpyblood-dripping
    February 16, 2008

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    This write is great. I love the descriptions of the characters provided, as well as the conversations you provided. I can't wait to read the next in the series.
    ~~Crystal~~


  • MysticalRayne
    February 12, 2008

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    This is an excellent write and kept me there right up until the end. As for the comment about guns below - whether they a legal or not people carry them. So I feel that part works - it's an illegal gun perhaps. Anyway when I get time I will def be back to read your others


  • Narrissa Snow
    February 11, 2008

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    ok i love the story, the set and pace of it is very well done, theres only one thing im confused about. you said she was in England at the begining and then futher on u have her pull out a pistol from her purse. guns arn't allowed in England. even the police dont carry guns, unless their in a special force.
    and you have it set out in the contry, or at least thats what i get because there are definatly no roads like the ones she's on in Greater London. so i dont understand why u have luke say.

    "Devil's Corner?? I have lived in London all of my life and never even heard of a town called that."

    i lived in london my whole life and i wouldn't know any towns out side of it unless ive been there.

    but yeah appart from that it was an excellant story and i will definatly be following it. and if i got any of this wrong please feel free to berate me,

    -----

    "Damn it!!!" Selene stood up. She kicked the tire of her car, feeling pissed off. "What the hell next?! First, I miss my turn. Now I end up with a flat tire. And the nearest town is Devils Corner?! Can this night possibly get any worse!? I highly doubt it!"

    ...of course they can! love it, you know the minute they say that, everything goes wrong.

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      February 11, 2008

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      Thanks for the comments Really? I had no idea of that. I never have been there, I just love how beautiful it is on tv is why I had chosen to use it. Wow! You sure told me something new that I had no clue on. I might have to reconsider my towns there or just put something in my notes about it being a made up version of England, since I do have a few unrealistic/horror things planned anyways. Thanks again for telling me that!
      Joann


  • Elisabeth gold member
    February 11, 2008

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    I don't think it lacks pace or punch; I think the build up of tension is about right. You are 'dropping' the temperature of the story in keeping with most stories of this genre. There are a few 'typos' e.g. 'shown' instead of 'shone'
    It is an excellent start to what maybe a thoroughly scary and terrifying story. I feel quite 'creepy' now. I may need some mild anaesthesia to read what is coming later.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Blazing Writer
    February 10, 2008

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    Paragraph 12: you put loose control and Im guessing it's lose control. =)

    But that's all I can find. Wow this story is giving me the chills. Lol. I like your usage of words. It's different but good. And I can't wait to see what happens next. Devil's Corner. Eep. lol and also who sings that song "Somebody's Watching Me" because when I read that I immediatly thought of the song from Final Destination 3. There is someone, walking behind you. Yea creepy. On to Chapter 2. Keep up the fantastic work!

    ~Blazing Mike~

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Prodigious.Mirth
    February 9, 2008

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    DEVIL :)

    Okay a little on the envies side with such a talent you have... Please omg... ^-^

    Okay you have fully dragged me into your story.. I just cannot beleive the leval of writing here..are you looking to it getting published because to be quiet frank I would buy this without even thinking of the cost..

    Okay I adore selen and the characteristics you have instilled in her... she is funny, attractive, she has backbone which I love and she has her weaknesses with a good eye on a good looking man...

    I also loved luke not love loved, but he seemed to not only cause and ease the tension, but he sizzled things up which made for quiet and interesting read... I think seeing things from his point of veiw was what added the whole variety to the peice...

    Now with the devils corner... I lvoe pretty much anything to do with Satan...so how could I not get attracted to this..but u sure did add the element of eeriness to the peice... thats making me seem like I could be inside this story... if that makes sense...

    Overall I cant really help in the grammar department, but I hope I gave you a contructive comment as I could see no falts with the peice at all

    I loved it
    Blair

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • xBitterxSweetx
    February 7, 2008
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    I love this story! hehe

  • Fizbop
    February 7, 2008
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    To better comment on my very limited time of posting comments. I really enjoyed this story so much that it has inspired me to pick up my older story up and try to get it going again. Thank you for this story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Fizbop
    February 5, 2008
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    I really liked this story.

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

  • xBitterxSweetx
    February 4, 2008

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    I like the new editions to your story, it makes it that much better. I found a few erros like:
    "...she finally started to wonder if maybe she had {came} to far." Wrong tense. It should be 'come'
    "The trees alone appeared very spooky with {there} bare branches moving about in the wind." It should be 'their' because the brances belong to the trees
    " Shaking her head{. She} got out of the car to see what had actually happened." Since the previous sentence is a fragment, it needs to be attached to the sentence next to it. It needs to be written as follows: 'Shaking her head, she got out of the car to see what had actually happened.'

    Other than that, I really havent found any other mishaps.




  • Ted E Bare
    February 4, 2008

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    I was completely fascinated and compelled during the whole story. I could actually visualize everything in front of me (as I have very vivid imagination). Every time you would say the town "Devil's Corner," it made me think of a movie I watched on the Sci-Fi channel about this town of zombies that couldn't escape it...to include anyone who happen to accidentally stumbled into it. They then became part of the towns population with one exception. Can't remember the name of the movie though. I think you're on the right track as I can tell that you keep the reader's attention for you kept mine!

    Ted E

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      February 4, 2008
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      Thanks I never have seen that movie before, but it sounds interesting. I love a good horror flick. If you think of the name let me know so I can check it out. I had to think a long time on the name of the town name. I wanted it to be something I had never heard before in movies and in things I have watched I can't say I remember that one.


  • Brightest
    February 4, 2008

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    Very Interesting

    Paragraph 27: Towards the middle when you're talking about her eyes, you can omit "most" out of there. As is, it sounds weird.

    Paragraph 30: "if she too" - "nice to meet you"

    Paragraph 34: "it's okay, at least"

    Paragraph 38: Once she gets out of the car, this is a list of things, so you don't have to start a new sentence for each, just add a comma instead.

    -Overall-

    You've got a very strong start going here and a very captivating one at that. You did a great job introducing the characters to the reader and the constant reminding of a feeling of unease in the characters helped add a little suspense to the draft as well.

    I'm on to read the next chapter. Good Luck with your continued work on this.

    -Ephemeral E

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • HeatherRoseBrown
    February 3, 2008

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    Excellent start!

    I think you did a great job of introducing the characters here. It did throw me a little when you switched the point of view from Selene to Luke in paragraph 27.

    There were a couple of places where I would have liked to seen more description. For example, in the first paragraph, I would have liked to have seen what it was about the rain that was hindering. Was it hindering visibility, speed, or something else? How?

    I won't go into a whole lot of advice on editing, since there have already been some excellent comments posted here, so I'll close in saying I think you've really got an excellent start on a suspenseful and romantic story.

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      February 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! I am thinking of editing alot on the first of this. I had been thinking of a cell phone conversation with her sister before the phone died. Someone else suggested it tonight too so I will certainly be adding that in.


  • Xanadath
    February 3, 2008

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    has potential

    The first question in my mind is whether Luke is a central character or not.

    It's my understanding that horror based genres work best with less detail and insight, not more. The story jumps into his head and perceptions rather quickly and kills any possible questions in the readers' minds... questions and uncertainties which are the meat and potatoes of good suspense, which is the partner of decent horror.

    If Luke is a central character, let the trust come slower and put off letting the reader into his thoughts for a while... perhaps until Selene (and the reader, through her eyes) finds out a bit more about him.

    As for the bulk of the writing, I failed to feel a connection of sympathy with Selene. Why is she out on the road? What could be so important? Who is she? Her actions speak of some assertiveness but yet I have next to nothing in her beyond that to get to know her and like her. When we like a character, we can then be afraid for them when bad things start to happen to them.

    Perhaps a good way to do this would be to start off with Selene speaking with someone on her cell while she's driving. The dialogue could give us pieces of personality, things to sympathize with, some background info and a bit of a chill when the signal dies... just outside of Devil's Corner.

    I suggest you keep her suspicions high. Keep us more in her head for now. Have her notice "coincidences" and not like them. Her observations become the readers', and she's just not leading the reader into the "willful suspension of disbelief" well enough.

    There's a bit more of telling over showing than I like. Items like: "Selene was not one who was easily frightened of things..." do not add to the story. Showing us as she calmly handles a pistol speaks volumes.

    I recommend you get rid of the part describing his attraction to her. A few looks, a smile, says so much more. Her reaction to noticing his attraction could say more than enough. Again, the more uncertainty to his motive sets up the suspense better at this point... suspense you can transfer to other things as they get to know one another.

    Two more things... if she's in England, you should say so much earlier. Also, I suggest you drop the adverbs. They're not adding anything to the details, it just reads as excess baggage. For example:

    Selene smiled shyly as she held her hand out and shook hands with him. "Selene LeVox. It's very nice to meet you Luke. And thank you soooo much, for stopping to help me out!" Selene noticed the way he was looking at her and blushed some, knowing full well he was checking her out. It actually made her feel quite nervous. 29

    Selene smiled shyly as she held her hand out and shook hands with him. -not bad, not great.

    "Selene LeVox. It's very nice to meet you Luke. And thank you soooo much, for stopping to help me out!" - is not something that comes well after a "shy" description.

    Selene noticed the way he was looking at her and blushed some, knowing full well he was checking her out. -good description.

    It actually made her feel quite nervous. -could be worded better.

    Also, I would recommend starting new paragraphs when dialogue happens.

    I hope this was helpful.

    -Kevin

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      February 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! I'm going to look back over it again when I am more awake I had thought of a cell phone conversation there with her sister before the phone went out. Now that you even suggested it I think I will go back and add that in. I had first started out with more background on Selene at the start then decided not to keep it when I posted, but I'm debating on changing that again. The advice is much appreciated


  • Namoopf
    February 3, 2008

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    Ok, so I'm not a professional, but there seems to be something missing here. The ending was good, in fact, all of it was, except, the beginning. As I said, there's something missing. (I cannot exactly say what, though...) But I loved the rest!

    beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • RainyGirlCat
    February 3, 2008

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    Love it!

    I love it! Of course you knew I would say that Poor Ms. Selene getting stuck out on that dark road like that. I noticed you did some changing on this from the version I read before. I like the new additons to it. You do Ms. Selene so well. Time for P2!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.


  • Xylch
    February 3, 2008

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    There are a few places where what you have written as sentences should be phrases in the following sentence. For example, in paragraph 11, "And even if she did. Her car didn't have a space." should be "And even if she did, her car didn't have a spare." Paragraph 23 has the same problem.

    I like the story, but I think sometimes you force the action a little more than you should. In paragraph 5, has shuddered and felt cold chills when all she has done is see trees and a sign. I think it would be more believable if she built up to that much reaction more gradually.

    Another example is how Selene's attitude to Luke changes in paragraph 23. Before this point, she had a gun pointed at him just in case he tried to harm her. This makes me believe she is an extremely cautious person. However, as soon as she sees Luke's badge, she seems to trust him completely. It would seem more realistic if she still had some doubts about him, even if she decided to accept his help

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      February 3, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      Thank you so much! Coming from someone who is as great of an author as yourself I'm honored you read this and took the time to give me advice I'm going to read back over and add in a few things.


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    February 2, 2008

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    A good story. You made it clear that this is ment to be a dark story, you established Sailene's fear, and the fact that Luke has a crush on her.
    But, since you asked for advice I have some.
    Your diolog seems extreamly scripted, like in an old movie. It was extreamly prodictable, and a little anoying. Since you devote a good portion of your story to diolog you might want to consider fixing this.
    Also you should try and use more detail, describe Luke better, describe the feelings, emotions, thoughts, of your characthers in more detail. Also you could add more backstory, why is she driving, where is she going?
    In the last paragraph you practicly lay out what's gonna happen in the next part, this destroyed my interest in the story. Try finishing off with something shocking, startling, gripping, something to make me want to read on.


  • IGWooten
    February 2, 2008

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    good

    Much better. With the few edits you made I get drawn into the story right away. There are a few minor punctuation errors, but they didn't really detract from the story. I always read my stories aloud. you would be surprised how many mistakes you can find doing that. I liked the way you changed up Lukes' and Selene's first meeting. Makes it a little more mysterious.
    Good job! Write for Life!

    Sincerely,
    IGW


  • Angel of Mercy
    February 2, 2008

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    The foreshadowing is great. The dark and rain are a great way to lead in and show that this is a horror story and there is much to come.

  • IGWooten
    February 1, 2008
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    good

    Hi,
    You have done a good job establishing the creepiness and Selenes fear of the situation.
    I see some things that could really tighten up this story. You want the reader to be involved in the story and not in the sentence structure. The word 'was' is used a lot in your story. That is a very passive verb and doesn't evoke very much emotion. Try using past tense verbs and it's ok to shroten your sentences some. Ex: 'The hindering rain poured down hard' "Selene cursed under her breath as she strained forward, trying to see out of the windshield' Get rid of all the innocous words such as 'really' 'She hated being out on nights like this' 'ing words are passive also, ex: looking could be looked Try this 'she wished she had never ventured out into a mess such as this' 'She cut the defroster up to improve the visibility and slowed down' 'She read it out loud and felt cold chills come over her' If you get rid of the passive verbs and rearrange the sentences to produce action with past tense verbs the reader is drawn into the story much more quickly without stumbling over lengthy sentences.
    I think also Lukes description should be left to later, its dark, its raining, make him more mysterious by shadowing his face under a hat or something. You mentioned moonlight with it raining hard???
    You have a good lead into what could be a great story, just tighten it a bit with different sentence structure putting more action in with past tense verbs instead of the word 'was' or words ending with 'ing'.

    I only tell you these things to help. I know I have come a long way from peoples advice and help and still have a long way to go. You have the makings of a very good writer, with good imigination. And as always, Write for Life!

    Sincerely,
    IGW

  • jaymo8
    January 30, 2008

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    Nice beginning! This is a good story line and it's clear you could move in a number of directions. I see you already have numerous comments addressing sentence structure, phrasing, grammer, etc., and although I could make some suggestions you have probably heard enough for now. So, I'll talk big picture. I like the basis of the story - it's a little scary with a little romance built in - reminds me of a Stephen King story - really! I would love to read more. Your descriptions, and the allusions you create give a lot of room to think. This is suspenceful to say the least and I can imagine a number of scenarios concerning what the town has to offer, and what Luke has to offer as well. Great job - let me know when there's more. You've got me hooked! J

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 4.

  • xBitterxSweetx
    January 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Well personally, I would change this sentence from: "Oh how she was wishing she had just stayed at home tonight, instead of venturing out into such a mess." To this: She began wishing that she didn't venture out into a mess such as this."

    "After awhile, she finally started to wonder [if] maybe she really had came to far"

    "Ten minutes passed[.] [T]hen thirty minutes." (When you leave short sentences like this, it makes the ideas stand out a bit more. It comes 'alive' if you will

    'The town name however, was clearly visible reading it out loud, she felt cold chills come over her... "Devil's Corner just 8 miles ahead." ' I would definitely break up this sentence and make several sentences out of it.

    "She and her sister had taken a road trip a few years ago and {whilst on it}, they had gotten a flat." Replace this phrase with: "while driving"

    "She guessed, he had to have been over six foot tall." this is grammatically incorrect because there is no fragment sentence latched on to a 'whole' sentence. (if that makes sense lol) I suggest: "While taking a glance over his attractive stature, she guessed that he must be at least over six feet tall."

    "It's nice to[o] meet you to Ms. LeVox, and...' that should be 'too' lol

    "Then I can see if I can have any luck calling out for help?" This is the wrong punctuation because he isnt asking or implying a question.

    ." Selene smiled at Luke, and laughed some then realized what he had said. "You're kidding me? You're lost too? What are the odds of that happening tonight? So am I, actually. Lost and stranded, what a perfect combination." This is a bit confusing because its hard to follow on who is talking.

    "we should go there and see if {there} phones are in working order?" their lol

    "Let me lock my car up first{, even though}, I doubt locking it would do much good out here." ;although

    "Selene laughed, then got out of the car she walked over to hers, getting a few other things from it, locked the doors, and came back over, getting into Luke's car.. " I would break this up and make it several sentences.

    Thats all that I have really taken a notice to. I hope these suggestions help you when you edit this great piece of work... I can't wait to read more!






















  • xBitterxSweetx
    January 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is a really good idea for a story and you should definitely write more. However, there were a few grammar and sentence structure issues that should be addressed. Other than that, it was great!

  • MysticalRayne
    January 29, 2008
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    This is a great story a few suggestions though: PAr 1 " it was becoming" Par 2 " were barely visable" "to see better" and slowing speed down instead of up. Other then those minor things this is excellent. I can't wait to read the rest.


  • yumesandman
    January 28, 2008

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    One thing I noticed is that there are quite a few sentences where words are switched around, or they're the little confusing. And there are some commas in some places where they don't belong, and some places that need commas that don't have them.

    What I would suggest is sitting down one day and reading it outloud to yourself. But make sure you read what's there, and not just what you think is there! That will help you notice some of the lines that are a little off. On top of that, anywhere where you might pause, it is usually there that you need a comma. If the sentence reads straight through with no pauses, no commas needed.

    I hope that helps! You're off to a great start though!

    • IntrepidFantasy Greeters member
      January 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      Thank you for the way you described on commas! I think that will help me out some , least I hope so. I want to get my writing perfected more, and am working hard at it. I'm going to go back and do another re-read now.

  • neoballmon
    January 28, 2008

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    Good Work! That was a good story!
    You were descriptive, and kept me interested throughout the story. I look forward to seeing where this goes in the next chapter!
    Keep up the good writing!

    beginning: 4, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.


  • crosscountry07 gold member
    January 27, 2008

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    Great Start!

    So I noticed a few grammatical errors, but nothing super serious. Other than that this was a great start and I hope to see the next chapeters up soon! Keep up the good work! -Liz


  • Amicus2K9
    January 27, 2008

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    Hello again...

    Very good beginning. But, as someone else said, you do need an edit and I find that it is easier to read if you double space lines and triple space para's, although this got better, easier to read as it went on.

    Someone may have noticed this...but she did not know 'Luke's' name when he first stepped up to her.

    I did not use your points to click on the story, but recognized your SN, from a comment you left. Are we 'favorited' so that I might know when you post another chapter?

    Regards...

    Amicus....


  • Etched
    January 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    good!

    i though it was great!!!

    beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.

  • Etched
    January 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    good

    i love it supenseful!


  • Xscene-massacreX
    January 26, 2008

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    Holly crap. I love this. It's so good. Ahhh it's got the creepy yet pull you in thing going for it. I love some much. You are a amazing writer. I can't wait to read more on this one.


  • wolfgirl1
    January 26, 2008

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    this idea is very interesting, and it has a good old fashioned scary setting, but you do have some problems. it's just that your sentences are a little long, and other stuff like that. But still, its pretty cool. Keep working on it!


  • Kyoshoro Wolf
    January 26, 2008

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    I thought this story was interesting but I saw all kinds of mistakes.This story can be better if you fix it.I'm not saying the story is bad though.You quickly grabbed my attention to keep me reading further and the last sentence makes me want to read more.I also like the description you used in your story.I look forward to the next chapter.


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    January 26, 2008

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    p1 'breath, trying', 'harder, as', 'like this. Oh how', 'windows. She cut', 'more, trying', p2 'she had come too far. Ten minutes passed,' 'road, surrounded', 'trees, which', 'name, though', 'read, "Devil's Corner, 8 miles ahead."', 'enough, suddenly', 'control. She tried', 'wheel. She', 'wheel, she cursed out loud, wondering', 'Shaking her head, she', 'happened. That's when she saw', p3 'off. "What', 'turn. Now', p4 'tire. Luckily someone had come', 'The rain was still', 'been. She got', 'it, there', P5 '"Great. Just Great...', 'her. As the car slowed down, she wondered', 'doors. She mumbled under her breath, "As', 'good, I'm', 'hers. The driver', 'out, walking', p6 'here, Miss." He knelt(you should have them introduce themselves before she knows his name.)', 'saw that Selene' had a flat tire. "Do', p7 'No, I don't have one. I had', 'back. My sister', p8 'hand. "Look', 'you, I'm actually', 'down. Luke', 'out and showed', p9 'eyes. For', 'him, so she', 'seat, getting', 'times especially when I'm stuck', p10 'He smiled at her. "It's okay, it actually pays', 'days, believe me. I deal with', 'alone." He held', 'Selene, "I'm Luke Stone, by the way."', p11 'him. "Selene LeVox. It's very nice to meet you, Luke', 'out."', p12 'rain, why' 'if I have any luck calling', 'her, letting her step inside. He then', 'high, then', 'He tried the cb', 'Selene. "I'm sorry, it doesn't', 'help. Neither my cell phone is working. It must be this storm, it could', 'I even am."', p13 'work." Selene', 'said. "You're lost, too? What are the odds of that? So am I.', 'turn around, but', 'turn, just a bunch', 'odd. It gave me the creeps, actually, because', p14 'that('in my life.' does not need to be repeated.)', 'the sound of', 'not too far', 'do. That is if you trust coming with me. If you don't, I would understand. I would just feel', p15 'too." Selene smiled up at Luke. "Let', 'first, even', 'here." Selene laughed, then got out of the car. She walked over to hers, getting', 'from it, locked the doors, and came back over, getting into Luke's car.', 'highway. He', 'road. The song "Somebody's Watching Me" began'

    Lots of corrections, but I hope they help. The story is getting more interesting. It looks like there could be romance as well as intrigue developing.

    Andy


  • SusanAlembic
    January 26, 2008

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    Hey Me Here!

    Hi there its me again yep you guess it Suzie Moozie LOL! omg this is a wonderful story i love it great job how it all speaks out with good and powerful emotions in here poor Selene getting stranded out there LOL her kicking her tires I remember something like that before (MM that poor car LMAO) Aww that was so sweet when Luke came down to see if she was ok poor Selene with that gun there Um Poor Luke to LMAO I know miss Selene wouldn't shoot him. I think that was sweet how they ended up talking most of the whole way into town most wouldn't have trusted someone to help them on a dark road like that but I can tell Selene really dose trust Luke to help her there. That devils Corner OMG what hit my mind there on that place evil somethings evil is in the air then thought omg vacancy! LOL Poor things being watched the whole time there I hope they get home safely but with Luke if anything happens I know Selene's Prince Charming will save her Awwww LOL Keep the story coming sweets I cant wait to read the rest! I love seeing the Selene and Luke love really blossom I can see cupid is in the air oh yes! ((Hugs and Kisses Smoooches))) LMAO

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