Gone Crazy Be Back Soon Part Twenty Seven

Sandra didn’t believe me1

She never outright said she didn’t believe me
But I could tell she though I was making up stories
She asked me a lot of questions about the voices
And I actually answered them as honestly as I could
Whenever I gave away more about the voices
I felt a cold chill like I was going to get sucked in
The chills got weaker the more I talked about them
And part of me felt stronger
Now that I was able to talk about them2

When I told Sandra about how I cut because they demanded blood
And how cutting made them quieter
She gave me a long look3

“Are you sure you’re not just trying to make yourself feel less guilty for cutting?”4

She asked me5

“I’m sure”6

I told her
As a bolt of anger
Slammed through my gut
Here I was making myself vulnerable
And telling her truths I had never told anyone before
And she just was sitting there doubting me7

I started to wonder if anyone would believe me8

I had told Sandra the truth
Hoping that she would be able to do something
To help me out
After all she was a licensed professional9

I was getting scared
If a licensed psychologist couldn’t help me
Then maybe nobody could help me
Maybe I would be forced to suffer
At the hands of Fellingham and the White Lady and the Others
For the rest of my life10

If that was the case t
Then maybe I wanted to make sure
That the rest of my life didn’t last for much longer11

I decided that
Before I did anything drastic
I would talk to my parents
They were both pretty smart people
They knew me better then
Pretty much anyone else
So maybe they could help me12

I told my parents13

About the voices
They listened
They didn’t argue with me
They didn’t ask any questions
They just listened14

Then they never brought up the subject again
For the rest of the summer15

It was September
By the time I figured out
That even my brilliant and competent parents
Couldn’t help me get the voices
To be quiet and stop torturing me16

I felt even worse then I had before I told
At least before I told
I could harbor the hope
That if I some day managed to disclose
The horrors that were haunting me
Then maybe someone could help me feel safer
Clearer, happier, and more normal
Now that I had told
There was no hope left to harbor
I felt like all my hope had been squeezed out of me
And I was left with a dark cloud of hopeless depression17

I started having trouble eating again18

But this time it had nothing to do with
Worrying about poison in my food
Or needing to be more pure
This time I just wasn’t hungry
I was just too depressed19

Sandra kept telling me I was going to get myself sick
My doctor told me I was losing too much weight again
My parents reminded me about how unhappy I was
When I had to be tube fed by NG tube20

I tried to eat to make the people around me
Leave me alone
But I couldn’t manage much
I felt too drained to do anything21

I lost interest in pretty much everything22

I no longer felt motivated to do my school work
Even writing didn’t hold the same appeal it once did
I still hung out with Anne and Christine
But I felt like I was acting
I tried to smile around them
But it was hard23

When we played games
I felt like I was just going through robotic motions
Even my occasional laughs sounded slightly robotic
They could tell something was up
And held me extra long when they hugged me24

I stopped going to dance class
My parents and doctor thought
That I wasn’t eating enough to dance
I didn’t care that much anymore
I felt like my insides had been scooped out
And put through a blender
And then replaced as unidentifiable mush25


I almost died26

In the middle of October
Things had been bad for about two and a half months
Things had been really bad for about two weeks27

We were at my grandparent’s house
I had started hearing the narrator
Narrating my every move
In my head I was imagining myself ten years down the road
I realized I was imaging myself as one of those bag ladies
That lives on the street and talks to herself
I realized that at the rate things were going
By the time I was twenty-three
It was very probable that I would no longer
Be able to function
Even as well as I was functioning now
My parents probably wouldn’t be able to deal with me anymore
And I probably would be one of those crazy street people28

I also realized that I didn’t want to live another ten years
It felt like too much
I didn’t even want to live another ten days
Things hurt too much
And were too overwhelming
I had tried to get help
I had played all my cards
And still no one had been able to help me29

As I walked up the stairs to the second floor bathroom
Of my grandparent’s house, I had no intention
Of actually using the bathroom
All I had was a picture in my head
Of all the heavy duty pills
In my grandparent’s medicine cabinet30

For once the voices were silent
And all I had to consider
Were my own desperate and suicidal thoughts31

Once I was in the upstairs bathroom
I felt my breath slow
And my heart even out
I opened the cabinet
Cringing at the screech it made
It almost sounded to me
As if the cabinet were calling out
To warn my mother
That she was about to lose
Her only daughter32

No one heard the screech
Or at least thought twice of it
The same way no one had
Seemed to hear my cries for
Help in dealing with the voices33

Unlike the other two overdoses
This time my full intent was to die
There were no other thoughts
Other then the relief of death
Floating around my head as I
Pawed through the medicine cabinet
Pulling out extra strength Aspirin
Blood pressure lowering agents
Tylenol, cholesterol lowering pills,
And many more bottles
Of pills with unknown functions
I didn’t care what the pills were intended for
My only use for them
Was to relieve the pain of life
By inducing death34

I pulled out a Dixie cup
From the stash hanging in the cup container
On the wall
I didn’t even look at the cup
I just filled it up with water and began swallowing
After the first ten pills
The bitter coatings starting to make me nauseous
I fought the nausea and started swallowing
Multiple pills at a time
When I finally knew I could get no more down
Without puking everything back up
I stopped and headed back down the stairs35

My mom looked up
When I got to the bottom of the stairs
My face was pale white from nerves
And I was starting to shake from intense anxiety36

I hadn’t thought through how this part would work
I hadn’t thought about how now I was going to have to die
Right in front of my mom I was going to have to breathe my last breath
She was going to have to be the one to see that I was no longer alive37

I couldn’t do that to her
I knew I couldn’t
I loved her too much
My stomach churned
With all the powdery white pills
Swirling around inside me
Releasing their poison into my blood stream38

I went into the living room
Sat down on the couch next to my mom
And took a deep breath
Then I took another deep breath
Opened my mouth and closed it back up39

Mom gave me a funny look
I tried to force out some type
Of reassuring expression
But I couldn’t manage to pull one off40

Mom turned back to the book she was reading
I fidgeted and squirmed a little41

“Is everything all right Cassie?” 42

She asked me
I could see the worry lines
Folding into her face again43

I said no
And then sadly hung my head down
This was so hard
I didn’t want her to know
That I was so depressed
And I had tried to kill myself again
I was afraid if she knew
She would think it was because
She was a failure as a parent
When the truth was it was just me
I was just too screwed up to deserve to live44

“What did you take?”45

Mom asked
I was so surprised that she had figured it out
That I froze for a minute
When I finally got my voice back I whispered46

“I took some of Grandma’s pills”47

Mom stood up and said48

“I don’t have your insurance cards or my license here. I left it at home. I’ll quickly drive home and pick that up and then I’ll take you to the hospital.”49

She sighed a little and headed toward the door
I saw her stop at the door and whisper something to Grandma
I ducked back into the living room
I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle Grandma’s reaction