Water Rats (Prologue)

Daddy's mad again. I can hear him screaming at mommy all the way by the lake. It’s probably the rain. He always gets mad when it’s raining outside and mommy says today is a storm. Two weeks ago it was raining hard and we had a big cake for my birthday. There where 5 candles 4 for me and 1 for good luck. Daddy got mad and threw the cake on the floor. 1

I love the pretty rings in the water when the rain falls on it. I just want to touch it, but mommy says not to because I might fall in. The screaming’s getting closer but I tune it out by the sound of the rain. I love its wetness when I get big I’ll make it rain everyday. Mommy and Daddy are coming closer something is in his hand but I don’t know what it is and mommy is crying. The storm must be really bad cause he not this mad all the time. I feel a big hand on my shoulder push me and the wetness covers my body. My mommy yells out to me but I can’t yell back cause my mouth is full with water. 2

“How do you enjoy the water now you little rat.”My daddy yells. I kick my legs and I stay above water. Mommy will be so proud of me I thought and I heard a loud noise come out of the thing in daddy's hand. More noises fill the air and I see people running up. The water is turning red around me. That’s such a strange color I thought water was blue. I’m not afraid I’m so happy that I’m finally swimming. Lights fill the air and a man in blue jumped in the water and pulled me out. I started kicking and screaming anything to keep me in the water that made me feel at home. What is he doing I was finally swimming. I closed my eyes as the man wa feeling my wrist. I was imagining swiming again I loved it I wanted to do it again and again. The loud noises where not even a thought, but than i heard voices.3

I opened my eyes lying on the ground and I took a big breath water spilling out of my mouth. The sunlight shown brightly on me but two grown ups stood in the darkness. “The boy is fine surprisingly he kept above the water.” The man said. I snuck away as the grownups where talking when I saw my mommy lying on the ground. Why is she on the ground? I thought remembering all the times she played with me. Wow she is so silly I thought again.4

“Mommy!” I called happily ready to tell her that I could finally swim . “Mommy!” I said again shaking her cold body wishing for her to end the joke. I walked around her to look at her face and I screamed when I didn’t see one all I saw was red.

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Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • SageSyren Greeters member
    May 16

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    You were missing a lot of puncuation. You should go back and fix those. It distracts from the story when your reader has to figure out where one sentence ends and the other begins.
    Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
    Brooke


  • Carina.J.LR
    May 12

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    Ohhh... really sad, I hate it when someone accomplishes something, and the person they want to impress most die right before...

    Thanks for entering and goodluck!!

    -Caina


  • tallblondie gold member
    May 2, 2008

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    You have stepped into the innocence of your character well as have portrayed the world as seen through his 'eyes' well. I liked the analogy of the weather used in relation to the father's emotions, as well as the contrast you employed between the comfort of the water (blue - also the blue of the uniforms) and the uncertainty and despair of the red.

    Thank you for your entry and good luck!


  • checkmate-
    March 21, 2008

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    Ahhh! This story is very creepy, but very good. It is very well proofread, I have no suggested revisions. Good luck, thanks for entering, and keep writing!


  • Kat222
    March 4, 2008

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    excellent! missing some punctuations, and you might want to break it up into paragraphs, but all in all a good write. good luck in the contest


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    January 24, 2008
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    Daddies??

    I think you probably meant to say ...daddy's mad, but I could be wrong


  • Afs
    January 21, 2008
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    It's really good. I like how the little boy talks. Hes so innocent.

    beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 3.

1 - 7 of 7