On The Edge

On The Edge1

The last few years have been very difficult for me.  You see I suffer from anxiety/ panic disorder.  I had a major breakdown many years ago, where I had to be hospitalized.  The main factor was I just felt overwhelmed, caged in.  I was having problems with my parents at the time.  They are alcoholics and had moved downstairs in our building.  My mother constantly wanted me to get her alcohol, until my boyfriend    finally had enough.  It turned into a screaming match between the two of them. 2

Then factor in that I had a young child and the usual other stresses of life, it became too much.  I have learned to deal with the anxiety over the years in my own way without drugs.  I have done pretty good, and even manage to get out more than I did when this happened.  I could not even leave the house, or be alone for any length of time.  I was doing well, until lately.  The last few days have been very difficult for me, I have felt tired and drained.  I have been trying so hard to get somewhere with my writing.  I have had several poems put into print which is great, but I need more.3

I have several sites, a couple of which are supposed to pay me for my work.  Well, so far I haven't seen a dime.  I keep writing and nothing is coming my way.  Then there is my relationship which is almost non-existent.  Even when we are home, we spend our time in separate rooms  watching television.  We have no intimacy between us at all, and lately all we do is fight.  I feel like just throwing in the towel, in fact tonight it got so bad, I felt like just leaving, but I couldn't.  I can't just walk out and leave my son.  Now there is a family wedding this Friday, my boyfriends cousin is getting married.  I don't know how I will be up and act like nothing is wrong by then.  At this point I don't even want to go, but we already RSVP"d.  I would just like for something to change in my life, I would like my son to listen to me, so I don't have to get mad and yell.  I would like someone to do something for me, instead of me doing everything for everyone else.  They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, than I must be WonderWoman.4