The Diabolical (Old version) (Up to Chapter 4)

Prologue: The Shattered Kingdoms
It was a high ceiling room. While you can still call it a room it was big enough to fit a whole army in it. At the exact center of the room, there was highly polished table with twelve gold plated chairs. In the wall near it there was a fire lit that was giving a heavy scent. On a normal evening you could have seen King Agamemnon happily dining with his family. But this wasn’t a normal evening after all.1

Today there was no Agamemnon sitting besides the fire making jokes with his three sons, instead the room was empty. Suddenly the gate of the room opened and in came Agamemnon’s wife Anastasia, his three sons William, Jonathan and Tyson.2

Naturally the family was worried. While the kingdom was at war, their father was at the border fighting against the Orckish and undead forces, they haven’t heard from him for days. The last message came 8 days ago. That night, Agamemnon’s camp had been attacked. There was no news afterward and the rumors of Agamemnon’s death had now reached the castle itself. The rumors of death of their beloved king had gripped the kingdom of Admonstia in it’s strangle. There was fear everywhere.3

The Queen and the three princes settled at the table. Although there were all sorts of dishes on the table, it couldn’t have been more obvious that no one in the room had any desire to eat anything.4

“Mother, I don’t want to eat at the moment.” said Tyson, pushing his chair away from the table.5

“Neither do we.” said William and Jonathan pushing their chairs back as well. 6

“But nevertheless you will eat.” said the queen coldly. The boys pulled their chairs back and didn’t dare argue. They all began to eat instead of Tyson.7

“Is he dead?” said Tyson staring straight into his mother eyes. 8

“Who are you talking about, dear?” asked the queen staring back. 9

“You know well enough, who I am talking about I am talking about my father, Is he dead cause if he is please let us know, mother” 10

Anastasia took her time to answer his question. Then she put her fork down. It seemed like she was going to scream but when she spoke her voice was steady and calm.11

”Who told you this?” she asked with one of her ice cold stares.12

“No one, I just heard the matron talking to the cook, about the rumors that have been going around and….” suddenly his mother cut his sentence.13

“So you know it’s a rumor, but you nevertheless decide to throw such questions on me.”14

Tyson didn’t say anything he wished he had kept quiet. 15

“Return to you room, all of you.” she said “Masters.” she screamed on the top of her voice, so a long and thin old man came popping in the room,.16

“Yes, my lady.” he said bowing down and low. 17

“Guide the young princes back to their room, and dismiss the matron and royal cook, tell them if they are ever seen 50 feet near the castle they would wish they were never born, now” 18

“Yes my lady.” said the butler guiding the princes to their room.19

Thunder clashed and an instant downpour started. There was an even louder cracking noise and three hooded figures appeared out of thin air leaving a dark black circle at the spot they had appeared. Another similar cracking loud noise came and another two hooded figures appeared and another loud noise and two more came. 20

“Any news from the west.” asked the biggest one of the hooded figures.21

“Yes.” replied one two that had appeared last.22

“Agamemnon’s dead, Meanoush is losing the battle, the orcs have almost breached his castle’s defenses and Kenease has just been captured by the undead leader Saknthought.” 23

“Sigh, things aren’t going well for race of men after all. Same in the east Sultan Azaruddin has gone in hiding along with his family, Sher Kalar Khan is dead, Raja Laxman has surrendered to the Orckish forces and Sutlej Singh has offered his alliance to the Orckish Leader Gonga Bettlemouth.” 24

Some of the hooded figures made angry noises then one burst out.25

“So are we going to just stay here and discuss the extinction of the human race? We are the guardians of this land we must do something, why don’t we attack, these god forsaken orcs and undead ourselves.” 26

“No we mustn’t.” said the hooded figure that have so far stayed quite, the moment he spoke silence fell, it was clear that he was they leader.27

“But...” said the figure that had just stopped talking, but the eldest one spoke again and he stopped immediately.28

“If we will interfere directly, the guardians of the orcs and the dead will also interfere and the war between us will surely lead to the end of this land.”29

“So what must we do, wise one we can’t just watch the whole of human race dying out like this.”30

No, we can’t but we should act the ways we are suppose to. Send message to the guardians of the orcs and dead, what the men need most now is peace treaty. Then we must find new young souls to guide there people each noble soul from the seven kingdoms of men. The current ones are lost, then we must for 7 mighty weapons for the selected noblemen out of the sacred metal of Lo’real, men will need powerful weapons to overcome these beasts. Afterwards we must awake the sleeping druids so that the land itself may wage war on these brute and lastly we must contact those who the man banished from their kingdoms, who were forced into hiding.”31

“Who are you talking about wise one?” asked one of the hooded figures looking confused. 32

“I am talking about the part humans that have been forced under the earth and made to stay in packs like animals for survival, part-wolves, bulls, giants and the other part-humans.”33

“Wise one are you sure they would want to help, they never get along with men.” said one of the hooded figures.34

“It’s time they should put their old quarrels behind I am sure they would understand that how serious the problem is, this is their only chance of survival.”35

Chapter 1: The Noble Institute of EAS36


It was certainly the most beautiful site in the whole valley of murree. One could see the snow capped mountains, the lake following by, and certainly the most attractive thing in the whole scene even more than the crimson blue sky undoubtedly was the Apple orchard. This part of the year it’s trees were covered in beautiful white flowers than will soon bloom into ripe golden apples. The mist was conspiring and as the cold wind touched the tall, thin boy who was at least covered in four sweaters he shivered and walked into the nearest one of the seven dingy little tea shop around. 37

This spot, also know as lover spot was usually haunted by couples all the time. But no one apart from the thin boy was here today. There were two reasons for this one that it was 6 am and the second it was winter seasonal holiday in all the boarding schools near by.38

The Actual population level of the hill station was quite low but they were a lot of teenage students around most of the time. This was the place that served as the home for some of most reputed institutes in Pakistan, most of them boarding school.39

Most famous were EAS-School of Creativity and Arts, Burlington Academy of Science and Alhamra Collage of Engineering. 40

The boy settled in one of the tables, “a cup of tea” he said humbly to the man near the counter who preparing a dough for bread.41

Then finally he took off the huge muffler he was wearing, it was warm inside the teashop. He had messy hairs and a lot of acne and a rather big nose, but he didn’t looked ugly in fact he looked, quite… as you would say tall, dark and handsome.42

He took the tea cup from the man and muttered a word of thanks. At the very moment the door flew open again and there came in another boy, he wasn’t covered in too many cloths like the other one but nevertheless he looked quite same apart from the fact that he had straight short hair was bulky and some how gave a very tough look.
He was wearing a black dress pant, a white shirt, a red tie and a black coat on which a badge gleamed and show the letters “EAS” he cast a look around and saw the thin boy sitting at the table at once he joined him. 43

“A coffee please” he addressed to the owner of the shop and then turned to the boy. 44

“I didn’t expect to see anyone hear this early in the morning, so Gm what you’re doing. Waiting for someone I dare say.” he said with a grin on his face.45

The boy called Gm gave a small laugh. “Who would want to see a nerd like me?” he said.46

“Sigh, other call them nerds I call them geniuses, Gm you should know better.” said the boy. 47

“Your just saying that because you my friend, Shah.” said Gm. 48

“I am saying that because you are a genius, Gm.”49

“So why are you wearing the uniform today, is this some new policy?”50

“No I just felt like it, where are the others?” 51

“Still sleeping, I guess.”52

And then the boy named Shah withdrew a book from his coat. “Which book is this?” said Gm sharply.53

“Can’t you read its Jacob’s room by Virginia Woolf.” said Shah without paying much attention.54

“And from where did you get it from?” he said looking annoyed for some reason.55

“Found it near my bed, why did you ask?” he said again not paying much attention. 56

“Because this is my book and you got it from my cupboard!” Gm said now looking extremely angry. 57

“So, do you mind sharing a book now?” said Shah, he had put the book down.58

“It’s not that, it means you have been breaking into my private space.” said Gm.59

“If you dreading I read that stupid diary of yours, save your breath G because I haven’t. I have better things to read.” said Shah unconcerned.60

“Don’t ever break it to my cupboard again understand, Shah.” 61

“Alright I sorry, now will you please chill out.” said Shah handing the book back to Gm.62

“You can read this.” he said grumpily. 63

“Nah, Gm it’s not my taste, lets see its 6.30 we can go to the book store and get some book and games, then we can get back to school around breakfast.” said Shah.64

“Okay I have wanting to read something good for days now.” 65

Together the two fifteen year old paid for there drinks and went to the book shop first and then around 8.30 they entered the school gates heavily laden with books and DVDs.66

They walked around the school ground and entered the building with the letters “Boarding house, Boys.” There the package they had got inspected incase there were some adult content. Then finally after climbing 5 floor they halted on the door on which there was a brass plate which said “Standard Nine” and they was also was a soft board at the side of the door which also read the same as the brass plate. 67

On the top of the board was pinned a official looking paper which read Standard Nine (O-levels Year One), Occupants: Ghulam Mujtaba, Zaid Shah, Ziyad Hamayun, Fahad Tasleem, Asad Hashmi, Ahmad Hassan and Hamza bin Tahir.68

Under that notice there were some other printed leaflets like some said ‘The headquarters of the Brotherhood of Direct Control (DC)’, ‘Khalid Football Team’, ‘Khalid Cricket Team’, ‘L.S.D.C Literary Club’, and ‘The Editor of EAS Magazine’. 69

And the rest of the soft board was covered in pictures, one was of 7 people sitting at a table dressed in Formals, one had 11 kids in shirts and Shorts all sitting around a Huge Silver cup and a Picture of 11 teenagers in Cricket kits.70

Gm and Shah entered the room it was covered in marble, with enamels on walls. There were seven wooden beds in there; each had a side table at one side and a Cupboard on the other. Shah got keys out of his pocket and inserted them into one of the cupboard which read Hitman.
There was a collection of suits, shirts, pants and ties in there. Also there were shoes, books and DVDs inside, but something was strangely wrong everything was fixed inside neatly, so was the case in Gm’s cupboard.71

They got down to the central hall where breakfast was served at the tables they found there fellow occupants of the room there. Binu (Hamza), Gorilla (Ahmad), Boots (Ziyad), Tess (Fahad) but Roshni (Asad) was missing from the table.72

Binu was Broad shouldered dark boy; Gorilla was pretty much the same but with spikes instead of straight hairs, Boots was tall, white and bulky; Tess was little dark guy; Gm and Shah settled with the others and stated out on their breakfast...73

“Where’s Roshni?” asked Gm in general.74

“Don’t know, where were you by the way? All three of you have been missing since I woke up at 8 Am.” said Binu. 75

“Well we first got tea, and then we went around for DVDs and Books…” said Gm; suddenly Binu cut him short. 76

“Great which ones you got?”77

“Well I got some new plays of Shaks…” but Binu cut him short again, 78

“I meant the DVDs, games which ones you got”,79

“Well I got …..” Gm was cut short again this time by Shah.80

“I am having a bad feeling about this, there are only three teachers in the whole campus, and Unwan is staying at school for the first time in my living history. Yesterday he was looking for Roshni saying he had his notebook and I can never imagine Unwan lending his notebook to anyone.” finished Shah.81

“I don’t think he even has a notebook, so what are you trying to say, Shah? I don’t get It.” said Tess.82

“Unwan not at breakfast either, look.” and well enough there was no huge, white and brawny boy sitting between his dormitory members: Sajwal, Sajjad, Jibran, Behroz, Khayyam and Hafiz. 83

“Oh! No Hit I don’t think so, Unwan is okay. I know Unwan does that stupid bi-sexual thing, but he doesn’t really mean it. He really just messing around.” said Tess.84

“I don’t know, I say he is evil.” said Boots.85

“And he tried to rape Boots, what if he tried the same with Roshni.” said Gorilla close to laughter.86

“He didn’t he was just kidding.” said Boots defensively.87

“Well how many people joke by taking there pants off?” said Gorilla, now fighting fit of laughter.88

“Shut up you two this is not funny.” said Shah.89

“He could have done real damage that day.” he added. 90

“You’re just afraid of him Shah.” said Tess with a grin on his face.91

“I am not and we should check for Roshni instead of discussing Unwan.”92


So all 6 of them divided in to three groups, Binu with Gorilla, Boots with Tess and Gm with Shah, Together they searched all the spots they haunted. All the grounds, the school canteen and even the teacher quarters where his aunt lived. 93

They met together in there room, “any sign of him?” asked Shah to the room.94

“No, but Unwan came back around an hour ago. I asked him he doesn’t know.” said Gorilla. 95

“Well he lying than that oaf, I am goanna get that son of a …” but at that very moment the door open and tall, black, sulky and skinny boy stood there at the door.96

“Where the **** have you been Roshni?” asked Shah,97

“We have been worried sick.” added Tess. 98

But Roshni didn’t answer he sat down on a bed with his hand covering his left cheek99

“What are you hiding under that?” demanded Gm, but Roshni didn’t answer the question yet again and sat again looking dumbstruck as he had been the moment he entered. 100

“Was it that girl that you are always staring at, the big one?” demanded Shah. Roshni didn’t answer instead he turned a shade red and then he nodded. The whole room burst into laughter.101

“And she slapped you.” added Gorilla, Roshni nodded as he turned even redder. Then the room erupted into another, even louder laughter. Roshni grinned weakly.102

“How did you guess?’ asked Roshni addressing his question to Shah.103

“We searched all around there was only one place we didn’t search girl’s hostel, logical deduction Roshni, logical deduction.” answered Shah laughing. 104

“Well guys, have you forgotten, why we stayed here the first place, football practice dude let’s get to the ground.” said Gm.105

Together they ate lunch then collected the other four members of their football team, and practice and return to their room after dinner discussing the practice, which had been a memorable one. 106

Boot had finally succeed to aim a straight kick after7 weeks of practice. The rest of the vacations passed in between football, cricket and kick boxing, practice and completing their homework. Last day of the vacation was 31 December the day of Shah’s birth. So they celebrated till late at night and then slept at 2 am, tomorrow was the first day of term. All of them eagerly awaited it. 107


Chapter 2: The Flaming Sword108

There was fire, blood and chaos everywhere. A young Armor clad man was on his knees, his head down touching the blade and his eyes closed. In his hand he held a sword which was stabbed in the earth and then there was laughter, not a humorous laughter but a cold horrifying laughter. He looked up and saw the silhouette of a green ogre like creature. He wore a skull of some animal as helmet, possibly a dragon. In his hand there was a bloody Axe.109

“How are you Bettlemouth?” asked the young man, his voice was clam, strong and determined. 110

“Always making jokes, may be they will help you on your deathbed.” growled the orc.111

“May be they will.” answered the young man.112

“Not thinking of running away again, are we Tyson.” growled the orc.113

“No Bettlemouth, I will fight you today, your luck ends hear.” 114

The orc laughed again. Then with a huge cry he charged for Tyson. Tyson got on his feet in matter of seconds he held his sword high. Its blade burst in flames yellow bright flames. The whole ground was illuminated. There were twelve bodies there six of orcs and six of humans, the orc made another war cry as he charged at Tyson, his axe also burst in flames but they were green and devilish which spread darkness. The two weapons hit each other there was a huge explosion and then everything became dark.115

Shah woke up at once, he looked at the clock it was 6.15 in the morning. He was trembling from the dream he had just seen, he always saw that dream. What happened next? He didn’t know. The dream always ended here.116

Who was that young man? What was that horrifying creature? He didn’t know. He took a quick shower and came out in towel for there he took out his uniform. A black suit with a red tie and white shirt, he got ready about 7 am once he ready then he awakened the others. All of them weren’t very delighted to be awakened. 117

Then they got ready, and about 8 am all of them got down to the central hall for breakfast. After breakfast they went back to the dormitory to fetch there bags, all of there friends had returned.118

The first period was due at 9 am. About 15 before the start of first period they entered the assembly hall in the grounds. Where the headmaster made the usual start of the term notice and they recited the national anthem.119

After that they entered the classroom where there chemistry and class teacher as well Professor Laiqat was sitting. He took the roll call, then he gave everyone there new timetables. All of shah and his occupants were the same except Tess, Gm, Boots and Gorilla had a Biology period instead that Computer one.120

Chemistry, Physics, History, Geography, Break, Math, Computer, English, and Urdu121

After taking a chemistry period they went for Physics. After 5 hours of hectic first day studies they were at last free after finally completing there Urdu essay. It was four pm when they entered there dormitory to return there bags.122

“Now what?” asked Tess in general.123

“Well there aren’t any practices today."124

“Kick boxing on Friday, Football on Saturday and Cricket on Sunday.” finished Roshni. 125

“Well than let go for some bird watching.” said Gm;126

“No I don’t feel like it, why not got to for some tea in the village” said Shah.127

“Okay, we will go to village for some tea there we can bird watch as well, all agreed” raised Boots, everyone took there hands up.128

“Well than that’s settled, so lets go.” said Shah.129

Together they went out for the village and entered there favorite shop, which was mercifully free from couples. The owner of shop “Amir Bhai” as they called him was delighted to see them. He brought them tea by his own, they didn’t have to ask. They used to come here since their first day at school, some 11 years ago. After sometimes Amir Bhai joined them and they started there usual discussion on the current political scenario. 130

“What ever you say I like this Dictator GPM” declared Amir.131

“This is insane, I don’t know why some politics figures support him” replied Gm taking a sip of his tea. 132

“Well you can’t accept decent from these power hungry politicians” replied Shah in a bitter tone.133

“But not all politician are bad, see Imran Khan” said Boots looking for approval, other nodded. 134

“But that only one politician…” but Shah stopped suddenly. 135

“What’s happening?” he said, the ground had begun to wobble furiously, so everything had began to tremble, and started making noises. 136

“What’s happening?” said Shah strongly again. 137

“It’s an earthquake.” screamed Boots.138

“This is no earthquake.” it was Gm who had spoken, “but nevertheless we should go out.” he added, but at same moment with a put the lights went out.139

“Why isn’t you generator working, Amir Bhai.” broke out a panic stricken voice of Binu.140

Finally the wobbling stopped, 141

“I think you should get back to the school.” said Amir Bhai.142

They went out got on their bikes and began to paddle furiously, Gm couldn’t help shake off the feeling that they were being watched, being followed, but he didn’t share his feeling with anyone but quietly paddled.143

Then there came a light from far away, probably something, a forest was on fire. Weather Shah just felt it or otherwise he saw a figure of the young man who came in his dreams, made of smoke that was coming out of the place where the light was coming from.144

When they reached the school their headmaster was waiting for them inside. “Sir, what’s happening?” burst out Gorilla. 145

“I don’t know, may be a volcano erupted but that has never happened before in Murree, you people better get back to your beds.”146

It was just five pm but they lay in their beds without talking and finally fell asleep. Shah was once again the first to wake up at 3 am in the morning, by 4 am all them had awaken but they sat in there bed without speaking, finally Shah got out to fetch the newspaper at about 6 am.147

He quietly read it no one made any sounds, when he was finished he spoke “3 dead, 2 local, 1 student from our school, it says here classes have been cancelled today at all the institutes, it was a volcano eruption that what caused the wobbling, but it was a really minor one, they said someone or something else caused the fire in the forest”.148

“How did the deaths occur?” asked Gm.149

“Caught in fire” replied Shah.150

Then Tess spoke, “But that explains nothing, the power failure, the generator stopped working and the strange voices” he looked at there faces for approval no one spoke but just stared at Tess, then Boots spoke his voce shaking.151

“What voices?” he asked, 152

“Didn’t you hear them? The cries of a woman.” said Tess, everyone looked at each other when no one nodded,153

Gm spoke “Well I didn’t hear any sounds but I kept felting that someone was following us or watching us closely.” 154

This statement was welcomed by more silence. Then Shah got up closed the door, then the windows and drew the curtains.155

When he spoke his voice was determine and calm. 156

“Something, strange is happening and somehow weather it concerns us or not it’s affecting us” then he shared his dream of the young man and the giant green ogre, and that how he saw his picture in the smoke. 157

“I can’t shake of the feeling something evil is coming here and I want the Brotherhood of Dc to stick together, no one will go out unaccompanied, anything strange that occurs to anyone we will share in this dormitory and not a word of this or anything else strange to anyone, understand”, the others nodded.158

“But aren’t you taking it a wee bit more serious than it should be taken.” said Gorilla.159

“May be I am but taking some caution won’t cause any harm.” he finished, just then there was a tremendous knock at the door. 160

Shah opened it and saw the D.P.E standing there, “Why aren’t you ready yet?” he asked in his bossy voice. 161

“I thought the classes were cancelled.” answered Shah coldly.162

“Yes, but the assembly isn’t, now get down there in 10 minutes.” He screamed on top of his voice, they got ready in matters of minutes and got down to the grounds.163

The headmaster made his speech about how unfortunate they were to lose a student in the incident of the last night. He also made his point that how important it was to obey rules. “She was out of bounds and see what happened” he said. 164

He also announced that two staff member, clerks were injured due to falls but the injuries were only minor ones and the tomorrow‘s lectures were also cancelled and so were the all the practices.165

That day they didn’t return to there dormitories but instead went to the central hall for breakfast and joined there friends at one of the table, they were Qaj (Qumber Ali Jaffer), a small, broad cheeky boy with a big beard, Hafiz Muaaz a tall black skinny boy also with a beard, Don(Taimoor Khan) another white and skinny boy with fat lips, Irfan Iqbal a tall boy who looked as if he was stretched on a stretching rack and Hamdi another tall, the tallest boy in perhaps, well at least 2nd tallest in their class, after Behroz Lasani (The biggest boy who ever lived).166

There shared there stories of where they were and what they were doing when the fire erupted, however they didn’t share the details which were worrying them, like the sounds Tess heard, Gm’s intuition and Shah’s dream.167

Then all 11 of them went out on the grounds for a game of cricket. While at the same time in the headmaster’s office a couple entered, a grim faced man and a woman who was sobbing uncontrollably. They entered the headmaster’s office. The boys saw them as they entered. They heard the headmaster’s greetings as soon as they opened the door, perhaps he was expecting them.168

Then after a minute they heard a loud scream from the office, the stopped the play and then the door open again and the man was guiding the woman out who was now unconscious. They saw his face horror struck. And then the little headmaster came running out of his office.169

“I am so sorry Mr. Ali” he said.170

“There no need, it isn’t your fault” he said coldly. The headmaster look relived for some reason and then he looked at where they were standing. Well you should better get going it’s dinner in fifteen minutes, quietly they made there way back to the boarding, showing there concern at the what they had just seen.171

They ate dinner and made there way back to there respective dormitories, this first week was becoming the most unusual week in they 11 years stay here.172

They went to their dormitory, completed their homework or otherwise read some book or played some video game and finally tucked in, but one and only one thing was in their mind the woman, her scream and the relieved look on the headmaster’s face. 173

174

Chapter 3: Boot’s Detour175

The scene was covered in thick fog, it was almost impossible to see who was standing it the dense fog. The man was wearing a black long coat, had a long black beard which was heavily oiled, he was wearing huge black glasses, no part of his skin was visible.176

There was a loud noise and another man, every similar in appearance to the first appeared, they immediately started to talk rapidly in an unknown language. Suddenly two things happened almost at once, there was a sound of deep breath and the fog, turned red completely blocking the view. When it was over it looked as if they have melted, much like melted wax.177

Miles away seven teenagers slept in their bed, having no knowledge of this peculiar scene. At 7.30 the alarm clock rang furiously. After much attempts of ignoring it the seven got up and stated to dress in top speed, lectures were suspended today as well. 178

After getting ready, they made their way down the central hall, where breakfast was being served.179

“I hate getting up early, especially on a holiday” said Boots with a huge yawn.180

All of them got settled on their favorite table, all of them except Roshni, who had just frozen in his step. Shah took a quick look at Roshni and then followed his stare. He was staring at the table in which, the most controversial girls of the school were sitting, including the big white one.181

All of them giggled at Roshni’s direction, then one of them sent a flying kiss toward him, so that Roshni was knocked over his heels. Now then entire hall joined the girls. Shah quickly got up picked up Roshni by hand and forced him on one of the seats of the table the rest of them were sitting at.182

“Will you please stop embarrassing us Roshni, it’s enough that we have Boots and Badr hanging with us” Shah said furiously.183

Boots didn’t look offended but just laughed, so that everyone looked at him with furious expressions, but soon there attention was taken off Boots.184

“Oh! No, guys don’t look but Badr’s here” muttered Gm so only they would hear it.185

And indeed a small white boy, with light brown hair was coming in the room, shouting greeting at everyone. He took a quick look at the hall and joined them on their table.186

“Hi guys, I am here couldn’t come at the first day because we were in Lahore, I missed a lot of fun with all that fire and volcano thing you guys got to enjoy” he said, or rather yelled loudly.187

“Yes, Badr we have been having the time of our life here” said Shah, so that everyone on the table laughed,188

“How terrible you always miss out on all the fun” said Tess.189

Soon Badr left there table to join his brother Bilal on another table.190

“I wish he was here, may be we could have had two deaths instead of one” said Shah.191

After breakfast they went to the auditorium, where there were trials for inter school declamation contest, Gm was trying for the speaker, while Shah for the President.192

“I don’t think Shah your chances are very bright Shah, Athar Shah is bound to choose Usman Munir” said Gm.
Usman Munir was the topper of the class, a brown skinned boy with long hair and glasses. He is just an arrogant brat. Shah would always suggest.193

This was it Gm, got on the stage 15 minutes and it was over.194

“Ghulam Mujtaba you’re selected” said Athar Shah in his sober voice.195

Then it was time for the trail of the president, 17 candidates in total had came for the trials, first round only seven were left, second round 3 more left, third round another two went.196

Now Shah and Usman were the only two candidates left, Shah went on the stage and gave it his best and then it was Usman Munir’s turn, he was somewhat good but two times he went completely blank. Now Shah was exploding with joy, he was selected for sure, Gm gave him a thumbs up from they audience.
“Usman Munir you’re selected, but work a bit on the script, you wouldn’t want to forget the script when addressing to the audience” said Athar Shah197

Shah looked scandalized; Gm dumbstruck and Boot let out a huge, ‘NO!’ which he managed to turn in a violent sneeze. They returned to their dormitory that day calling Athar Shah by names, Gorilla even printed a pamphlet which talked about biasness, injustice and shame to the school’s name.198

As a result, Shah was feeling much lighter by lunch.199

“I don’t want to go to the central hall, why not go to Amir Bhai’s Place instead” suggested Boots.200

“Sure” said Gm, so that all of them made their way to the village.201

They soon reached there favorite shop, which unlike yesterday was filled with couples.202

“Perhaps we should go in the kitchens” suggested Roshni.203

“Not me, I need to go to the, err… Bathroom” said Boots.204

“You just went to bathroom, before we came here” said Shah suspiciously.205

“Um… stomach problem” said Boots making his way for the bathroom.206

The rest went into the kitchen to be greeted by Amir Bhai, while Boots went into the washroom. Once he had tightly locked the door he pulled out from his pocket a letter written on pink paper, which was perfumed, he read it again just to be sure.207

Dear Ziyad,208

You don’t know how hard it was for me, to send you this letter. I have wanted to talk to you since the first day I saw you; I am feeling a bit something for you. Please meet me at north entrance of the coniferous forest at 3 pm on Thursday.209

Your Lady, Miss Mystery.210

Boots read it a couple of time in quick succession and then sniffed it, and then he got out of the window and quickly made his way to the coniferous forest, his heart beating wildly.211

He stationed at the north entrance, and peeked at his clock there were still 15 minutes left, she couldn’t have set him up, or could she?212

He waited and waited, these fifteen minutes were taking an eternity to pass, and finally a voice came.213

“Are you here?” yelled Boots; curiosity was mounting him, making him shake from head to toe.214

Then there was laughter, humorous laughter, there were Unwan, his dormitory members and his girlfriend Hajra, they laughed non-stop, only God knows how long.215

Then Unwan said, fighting laughter, “Sorry Ziyad, but….” Rests of his words were drowned by more laughter from him and from everyone.216

Ziyad ran deep into forest, he had never been so embarrassed before. A tear fell from his eye as he ran deep and deep into the forest.217

“Don’t go in there” Hajra’s screamed from behind, but he wouldn’t stop. How could have he made such a fool out of himself? Why didn’t he stick with his friends? Why was he always the subject of mockery to everyone?218

Even his friends didn’t understand him. He stopped by a tree where he let his tear flow. He felt good. Better than he had felt ever in his life, as if the tree, the earth understood him, he felt as if he was in his mother’s lap.219

There was a tiny cough, Boots looked back to see a girl she was about his height, had beautiful long black hair, she smiled as he stared her in amazement.220

Back at Amir Bhai’s place, the other were getting worried about Boots.221

“He really got some bad stomach problem” said Tess.222

“Should we check?” asked Gorilla.223

“You do it” said Roshni.224

“We can just knock and ask if he’s alright” suggested Gm.225

So Gm went in and said lightly so that no one would hear, “You alright in there Boots?”226

He repeated again and again but no answer came, he went out to tell others.227

“He’s not replying” he said.228

“May be someone said something, and he took it to his heart” said Shah.229

“He was with us the entire day, looking more happy than usual. No one said anything to him” said Roshni.230

“May be he’s lying unconscious in there” said Gm.231

All of them got up almost at once and made there way for the bathroom, they started to knock the door with much intensity.232

“Come out Boots!”233

“All you all right in there Boots?”234

“Damn it, reply Boots!”235

They all yelled but there was no answer, “Stand aside, I am taking the door down” said Shah.236

“Are you mad, Hitman? You can’t just break the door” said Tess.237

“Watch me” said Shah, he took a few steps back and then came forward and hit the door with his shoulder, and the impact was so great that it immediately opened.
Everyone in Café looked inside the bathroom, to see it empty.238

“Where the heck is Boots?” asked Binu.239

“Great just great first Roshni now Boots!” yelled Shah.240

“Look” said Gm pointing at the small window which was now open.241

“He sneaked outside, what for?” yelled Shah.242

But his question was answered, a pink paper on the window’s shelf, Shah picked it up and read it quickly and then exchanged it with the rest of them.243

“So, that’s no problem than” said Tess, who had just finished reading the letter.244

“Are you insane Tess, it probably a trap, I will bet anything” said Shah.245

“Even than Shah I don’t think it sort of a death trap, just a bad joke someone played on Boots, he will wait there and after sometime return” said Gm.246

“Yah, Shah it’s just a set up, a dirty joke and nothing else” added Binu.247

“Have you forgotten what we discussed in the dormitory? How could have Boots been so stupid?” yelled Shah.248

“First of all Shah, please stop yelling, in less than three months you’ll be standing for school’s student representative so don’t embarrass your self and most of all us” said Gm.249

“Keep a cool head and we’ll all go to the entrance of the forest to look for Boots” he added.250

“If Unwan has something to do with it than I’ll……” but Binu cut Shah short.251

“Remember last time you also blamed Unwan, just don’t jump to conclusions Shah”252

All of them made there way to the coniferous forest’s entrance but there was no Boots to be found. Then, they heard a terrible defying scream, 253

“Boots in there” said Gm shaking his head as if he was an elephant bothered my flies.254

They went in the forest following the scream soon they found Boots; he was on the floor. 255

“Boots what the heck are you….” But Gm stopped in mid, he had just seen what else was there and probably that was what had caused the scream.256

It was a monster beyond explanation, it didn’t had any skin, it face was that of a girl with long flaming hair. It screamed again, a red fog like substance came out of her mouth, it touched Gm’s hands only lightly, it immediately blackened as if they skin was dead.
Gm let out screams of pain, he yelled in agony, everyone attention shifted to him from Boots, seeing the monster went for Boots, he was about to touch Boots.257


Without planning it, without thinking about it, Shah launched himself on the monster. He was planning a sphere, seeing this; the monster let out more red fog, from its mouth. Shah was drowned in it. All of them screamed at once “Shah!”258

A break of some seconds, the Sphere landed on the monster. Shah had emerged out of the fog; he wasn’t affected by the fog by the look of it but he wasn’t conscious anymore.259

The monster yelled in as the sphere landed on him. Then some vines came out of the ground and strangled the monster and took him down in the earth.260


When Shah woke up he was in the dispensary, he saw Gm was lying in the next bed. He checked his body for any scars there were none. Soon, afterwards the others came in with grim faces. Then Boots told the story of how he was led in by Unwan and Hajra. About the girl and her transformation, then he explained about the tree and how he felt.261

“Well so it was Unwan hey!” said Shah so loudly, that the school nurse told them to turn it down a bit.262

“What about Gm?” asked Shah.263

“Major burn, but they say it will heal” said Tess.264

“I told you, something wasn’t right but you won’t listen, wont you Boots?” said Shah in his superior tune.265

“But how come the red thing didn’t affect you Hit?”266

“Dun no” said Shah which was perfectly true.267

“I hope Gm recovers soon” said Gorilla.268

“Hey! What did you tell the principle?” asked Shah, just as the question came in his mind.269

“Muggers, but I don’t think he believes us” said Binu.270

Shah took a turn and feel asleep, he really needed his strength to face what was coming, he thought about Boots and the tree, The voices Tess heard, Gm’s intuition, his dream and now the appearance of this ‘thing!’ What was happening? But now he was sure, they were in mortal peril.271

272

Chapter 4: Snatcher and Cheaters273


The Hospital was old, the white tiles now had a shade of yellow, the beds and other furniture was mismatched, but nevertheless the whole place was spotlessly clean. Almost all the beds in the ward were occupied and some even had two persons sharing one. There was only one doctor in the ward.274

The doctor was checking a patient’s report when the nurse arrived, “Doctor, Mr. Khan is here”275

“Oh yes, I was expecting him, tell him to wait in my office. I’ll be with him in minute”276

When the Doctor came in the office, a grim face man with swollen eyes and a black mustache was waiting for him.277

“Good Afternoon Doctor” he said just as the doctor entered the office.278

“You know why I am here doctor, don’t you?”279

“Yes, I heard about your lost. So young, so young, terrible thing to happen to someone of her age, but what can man do, these are all works of God, forces beyond our imagination”280

The Man didn’t reply it was plain he had no interest in condolences of the doctor.281

Just then both of them heard voices outside the window, loud hissing and grunting.282

“Whose there?” said the Doctor sounding braver than he felt.283

The same strange voice answered, “Forces beyond your imagination” then there was loud hiss and laughter, horrifying laughter.284

Both of the men were still in deep shock when the door opened, and a nurse entered the room, she looked as if she had seen a ghost.285

“Doctor, the body of the girl it’s not there”286

“What do mean it’s not there?” he said still in shock of the voice.287

“You, I’ll kill you, give me my daughter’s body, first postmortem and now this!” burst out the man making for the doctor’s collar.288

“Mr. Khan, Please control yourself!” said the doctor trying to break free from his hold.289

======================================290

Shah was sitting in the dormitory reading a long essay that was slipping through his mind; the more he tried to concentrate the more helpless he found himself. What was going on? He was always talking about things like angels, demon, unknown forces but he never really believed in them, did he?291

He was not as dynamic, or as brave as he portrayed himself. He was brave of course who else tried to take down the creature on there own. But he was still trying to show off wasn’t he; even in such conditions he was showing off.292

Binu had noticed Shah’s restlessness, “Everything fine Shah” he said when he couldn’t bear it anymore.293

“What!” Shah was quickly brought back to reality with a thud, “Yes Bin I fine, what made you think I wasn’t fine” he said finally getting a hold of himself.294

“Thinking about Gm?” said Tess.295

“Well not exactly, but I was thinking about the forest” said Shah.296

“Are you scared Shah?” said Roshni.297

“No, Never the word doesn’t exists for me” he said crossing his fingers, “But it does worries me” he added to make it sound a bit real.298

“Do you think it’s over what ever it was?” said Gorilla.299

“No, but I do hope it is” said Shah, speaking the truth this time.300

“Well guys, cheer up cricket season is starting, tomorrow is the first practice session” said Tess.301

“Yes I really need something to take my mind off all this” said Gorilla.302

“Man I can’t concentrate” said Shah pushing the essay aside and standing up the same time, ‘I am going for a walk”303

“Be quick curfew in an hour, you know Shah” said Tess.304

Shah got out in the grounds, it felt good to be alone while at the same time he felt a lot more vulnerable. When he reached the village he went in the little shop, which was almost always empty.305

He sat on the nearest table and waited. Finally whom he had been waiting for arrived, Behram Shah, a slim white boy with very handsome features with Arsa, a girl with light brown hair about the same height as Behram, Usman Munir and Ayesha a girl who looked a female version of Usman Munir. With them as always tagging along were the usual seven dorks as the guy had named them each complete pack with a girlfriend.306

Usman Khalid with Naila, Ahmad Chaudary with Sherrie, Haris Butt with Zainab, Ali Mehmood with Habiba, Uzair Ijaz Khan with Tina, Sarib Shami with Humaira and finally Hamas Wali Dara with Maryam.307

All of them were in there usual get up, the guys with baggy pants, tight shirts, stupid shiny jacket, large belts, hairs up in spikes and sunglasses even at this time of night. The girls were a bit divided about half wore skin tights pants with sweater and ponchos while the other half wore a kind of long skirt.308

“Zaid my brothers how are you?” said Behram, as everyone fetched chairs and settled on the same table.309

“Actually I would preferably be called by my last name Shah, and I though the discussion was supposed to be between you and me Behram” said Shah.310

“This is family Shah, family. Anyway would you like something?” said Munir.311

“No, thank you guys and be quick curfew in 35 minutes” said Shah.312

“Don’t tell me you abide curfew like a good little boy” said Arsa.313

Everyone started to laugh, Shah gave them one of his ice cold stares, and everyone stopped abruptly. Shah was famous as a violent kick boxer who was favored by some teachers.314

“Let’s put this straight Behram why you asked me to appear in this deserted shop alone, while you’re surrounded by Iqbal cricket team”315

“Shah my broth…..”316

“I want my answer Behram”317

“Okay Shah let’s put this straight, as you know I am the new Iqbal captain, what I want is a safe passage, I have secured it with everyone else, we’ll give you anything you want in return just name it cash, favor, I’ll even hook you up with the first girl you put your finger on” he finished.318

“You want me to lose on purpose”319

“Yah that’s what I meant, It’s no rocket science”320

Shah got up knocking back his chair, “Damn it Behram, what do you think I am!”321

“There’s no need to shout Mister” said Arsa.322

“Shut up!”323

“Hey! Hey! Who do you think you are? Talking to my girl like that?”324

“I’ll talk her the way I want to”325

“If you know what’s best for you, apologize now Shah” said Usman Khalid who was bigger in size than anyone else present there, in treating tone. 326

“What if won’t? What will you do then? Will you hit me Usman, come on Usman will you hit me” said taking few paces toward Khalid so that there faces almost touched.327

Khalid pushed him back so that Shah fell on the floor, that was it before Khalid had any idea a sphere hit him, and he was on the ground. Then Shah positioned himself ready to attack again eyeing the group members who were now flexing there muscles.328

Just then an angry yell came. “What do you think your doing? Get out! Get out!”329

Shah stared at everyone, and they stared back as the yells continued.330

“This favor will soon be repaid Shah” said Behram as the whole group made their way out. When he was sure that they were gone Shah made his way back to school and just managed to reach the room before curfew.331

“What up with you?” said Boots seeing Shah bubbling with anger.332

“I lose on purpose cash, hook ups! What do they think I am a standing joke; I’ll make sure this reaches the school magazine!” shouted Shah.333

“Will you please stop shouting and tell us what happened?” said Tess.334

Shah took a minute to calm down a bit, and then he started the whole story about Behram’s Invitation and the match fixing and then the sphere.335

“Cheaters gits” said Binu when Shah was finished.336

“Yah! But Shah watch out, Behram’s got some contacts” said Gorilla very seriously.337

“Yes he’s on friendly term with all the major school mafias Basit, Jaffer and others” added Boots.338

“Let them try, I make sure they….”339

“No Shah, they aren’t the kind of people you want to associated with in anyway especially a fight, they got a whole gang with them” said Roshni.340

“What makes you think we can’t take them on?” said Shah.341

“Shah no matter how much immersed we are in a fight we’ll never use cheap shot or smash someone’s head with bottle and these guys have a history of doing this kind of stuff” said Tess.342

“Why the school doesn’t kick them out?” asked Boots.343

“Contacts Boots contacts, they have got contacts” said Tess knowledgeably.344

“Anyways let’s not discuss them, our main concern should be the cup, no I want to win it at any cost!” said Shah.345

“Who’re you replacing Gm with?” asked Gorilla.346

“I haven’t though yet, may be Qaj” said Shah.347

“I like Qaj” said Boots348

Just then there was huge shout of the D.P.E from behind the door, “Curfew, now turn off the lights!”349

“Psycho” said Shah turning off the lights.350

The next day when Shah woke up something was strange, it was 6 AM and everyone was sleeping in their beds, everyone but Boots. His PJs were there on the stand which meant he had waked up and went out, this early. Boot was usually the one who slept the most.351

Shah took a peek at the window, he saw Boots there but what was he doing, was he waiting for some girl again? And why the heck was he hugging the tree?352

Shah dressed at top speed and went out in the grounds where now Boots was taking a stroll.353

“What are you doing Boots?”354

“Nothing Shah, just my morning walk”355

“When did you started Moring walk?” said Shah356

“From today onwards”357

“And why were you hugging the tree?”358

“Because I felt that the tree needed it”359

“The tree needed a hug; you felt it, are you feeling alright Boots?”360

“Oh yes! Never better”361

“Right”362

“Don’t you see the miracles of the mother earth, Shah?”363

“What miracle?”364

“Miracles Shah, miracles all around you, look at the trees, the mist, the green grass, the birds; don’t they inspire you Shah”365

“Right, Boots you haven’t been reading any articles on the internet about Female shape of god and sex based religions”366

“No, what are they?”367

“Leave it you don’t want to know, let’s go and wake up the others”368

“You go Shah; I’ll be with you in a minute”369

Feeling uncertain about leaving Boots there and almost certainly sure that Boots had finally cracked up, Shah made his way back to the room where he rang the alarm over and over again until everyone was up.370

The other got up and dressed, about the same time they were finished Boots joined them as well; together they made their way outside, they intended on visiting Gm first371

When there got there Gm was awake and working on his laptop.372

“Where have you guys been I thought you would visit me last night, but not one of you came”373

“Gm you don’t know what Behram did, that son of a….” 374

“That can wait Shah; look what I found on the internet”375

He adjusted the laptop a bit so that they could see the screen.376

“Form Hell, the body snatcher, what this all about Gm” said Tess.377

“The thing we saw in the forest it’s mentioned here, look at the picture”378

And indeed the Picture was very similar to the thing they saw in forest except that some minor features were a bit different from what they had seen in the forest.379

“It’s mentioned here this body snatcher is some sort of a myth, it takes bodies of young girls and turn them into this, all the legend about witches seducing men and killing them, here is said to be the work of the snatcher”380

“Then it’s just a myth” said Tess381

“What I have seen these days I’ll believe anything” said Gorilla.382

“Are you crazy Tess?” said Shah383

“What happened?” 384

“Tess he was putting his finger in the switchboard” said Shah385

“Really Tess?” asked Binu half shocked, half amused.386

“Well anyways, our concern is the snatcher” said Gm.387

“Why?” asked Boots.388

“Because if it’s out there then we could probably expect more attacks” said Gm.389

“What makes you think he is specifically targeting us, even if it is out there?” asked Roshni.390

“Well, after what happened!” said Gm.391

“Roshni’s got a point; it might just be that Boots was at the wrong place at the wrong time” said Shah.392

“Well than I don’t know” said Gm making a childish face.393

“Anyway, when are they letting you go and what is this after all?” asked Shah.394

“A burn, not as major as they first thought but they will keep me here for a week’s time”395

“It is healing pretty good, looks kind of watery” said Tess396

“Yes, I told them the muggers poured some acid on it and they believed!” said Gm397

Everyone laughed and then Shah repeated the story of Behram.398

“Guys, I been thinking about Nimra you know the black one in our senior a lot lately what should I do? Call her?” said Gm.399

“Imagine her as your sister” said Shah stepping out of the dispensary, as everyone laughed on the comment and Gm made the same face again.400

“Man everyone thinking about girls nowadays” said Tess eyeing the one nearest to him.401

==================================================402

Miles away in deserted cabin in the middle of Nowhere 6 hooded figures were talking rapidly just then they was aloud crack and another very similar other appeared.403

The moment he appeared everyone stood up on there feet, as if paying respect to the one that had just appeared.404

“Sit down, everyone so what the news” he said referring to a particular one of the figures.405

“It has started my lord, death, disappearances, and unexpected natural hazards”406

“So it was bound to start, I hop that we have read the signs correctly and selected the right ones for the task, all our hopes depend on them now”407

“I sure my lord, I see it in them they have even faced some challenges and performed much better that our perception”408

“I hope” 409

410

Author notes

I have fixed yet more problems. The dialouges are seprated from the paragraphs. The sentences structure has been shoter eliminating the "too many commas" problem. Yup edited again more problems solved. Chapter 4 added.
For the contest:
Fav dog breed um german shepard, don't know much about dog.
About me: A simple guy, with a bit political awareness which is not common in teenagers, can be unbearable at time, love to make speeches not formal ones inspiring speeches, love to host contest and school function.
Good at sciences and com stu, suck at maths.
want to get noticed where ever i go, who doesn't? that preeety much me, like to show off but not i mean like i have this car and all that i like to show off my knowledge of just about everyting

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1 - 12 of 12

  • xBitterxSweetx
    March 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Thorough Edit #2

    SOOOO Sorry it took so long, but I am back to get some more work done! I am starting at paragraph 20.

    "Thunder clashed and an instant downpour started. There was {an even} louder cracking noise {and} three hooded figures appeared out of thin air[] leaving a dark black circle at the spot they had appeared[]. Another similar {cracking loud noise} came and {another two hooded figures appeared (and another loud noise and two more came.)}"

    -Delete {an even} and substitute with {a}... still not totally correct but it works
    -Substitute {and} with {when}
    -In the space [], add a [;]
    -In the space [], add [in]. It doesn't sound right otherwise.
    -Delete {cracking loud noise} because its redundant. you have 'similar' and description that is the same as the first noise. Instead, replace {cracking loud noise} with {noise} and leave similar. ((it sounds more educated)
    -First, delete 'another' in the beginning bracket.
    -Now, put a [;] after 'appeared.'
    -Then, completely rephrase the last half of the sentence. Here's a suggestion:
    "...(followed by another loud noise with two more hooded figures.)

    “Yes.” replied one[] two that had appeared last." (par.22)
    -Place [of the] in the bracket.

    “Sigh, things aren’t going well for[] race of men after all."
    -Place [the] in the brackets.

    "Some of the hooded figures made angry noises then one burst out."
    -You must rephrase this entire sentence because it is a fragment. Consider this alternative: "While hearing this, the hooded figures made some angry comments. The most irritated one interrupted the conversation with a loud burst of words." (You may use this however you wish

    “So are we going to just stay here and discuss the extinction of the human race? {We are} the guardians of this land we must do something[,][ why] don’t we attack{,} these god forsaken orcs and {undead ourselves}.”
    -Substitute {We are} with {As} it sounds better.
    -Substitute [,] with [.]
    -Capatilize [Why]
    -Delete the {,}
    -What do you mean by {undead ourselves}? Do you mean {make us immortal}?

    “No we mustn’t.” said {the hooded figure that have so far stayed quite, the moment he spoke silence fell, it was clear that he was they leader.}"
    -The whole ending sentence needs to be rephrased. Here is a suggestion:
    "the hooded figure that had been quiet all this time. The first words that he spoke made everyone silent. That in itself indicated his superiority over the group."

    “But...” said the figure that had just stopped talking, but the eldest one spoke again and he stopped immediately."
    -You must rephrase this sentence. Here is a suggestion:
    "the irritated figure from before was interrupted by the eldest one's continuing speech."

    “If we [will] interfere directly, the guardians of the orcs and the [dead] will also interfere and the war between us will surely lead to the end of this land.”
    -Delete [will]
    -Do you mean [undead]?

    Well, its been 1 hr and 1/2 and I didn't get much done Its 2:30 am my time and I need to go. Sorry its so short and I promise that it won't take me so long to come back and finish as much as I can. I hope you incorperate these 'fixes' into your story so that others can enjoy such a great plot.














  • Mephitic ID Synergy
    March 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    pp 2 - How is there a wall near the table in the exact center of a room big enough to fit an army in?

    pp 3 - "cheery Agamemnon"? "...three sons; instead, the room was empty. Suddenly the gate opened, and in came..."
    It strikes me as odd that the parents have Greek names but the children do not.

    pp. 4 "in it's strangle" - is this necessary? it sounds awkward at the end of that sentence.

    pp. 6 - is this supposed to be funny?

    pp. 8 "They all began to eat, except Tyson."

    pp. 11 - ""You know well enough who I am talking about. I am talking about my father. Is he dead? Because if he is, please let us know, mother." - Hard to believe a prince would say cause instead of because, unless this is "A Knight's Tale".

    pp. 16 "didn't say anything. He wished..."

    pp. 17 ""Return to your rooms..."" "top of her voice, and a long thin... room."

    pp. 18 "bowing down low."

    pp. 19 "...royal cook. Tell them... they will wish they..."

    pp. 21 "Thunder clapped... downpour started. There was an..."

    I refuse to read further


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    March 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Thoughts

    Since Bitter already took the liberty of providing a very thorough critique, I will say that for this to be you first attempts at writing a novella, no one would've thought it was one from first glance. The imagery given really pulled in the audience. Keep penning

  • xBitterxSweetx
    March 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Thorough Edit #1

    "It was [a] high ceiling room{;} while you can still call it a room[,] it was big enough to fit a whole army in[it]{,} at the exact center of the room[,] there was[a] highly polished table with twelve gold plated chairs{,} at the wall near it[,] (a was a fire lit that was giving a heavy scent)."

    - The {;} should be a {.}
    - The {,} should be a {.}
    - The {,} should be a {.}
    - This should be written as follows:
    'there was a fire lit that gave off a heavy scent.'

    Learn to break up your sentences

    "... happily dining with his family[] but this wasn’t a normal evening after all."
    - Either put a [.] or [;] in that spot. Both work, but personally I would put the [.]

    ((There was no cherry Agamemnon sitting beside they fire making jokes with his three sons, instead the room was empty, the gate of the room opened and in came Agamemnon’s wife Anastasia, his three sons William, Jonathan and Tyson.))

    -I would rephrase this entire paragraph... I'm not exactly sure what your trying to say here, so I cannot give you a suggestion as to how to write it properly.

    "(The family looked worried which was natural), {their} kingdom was at war and their father was at the border fighting against the Orckish and undead forces{;} they haven’t heard from him in {quite a while for days} the last message came 8 days ago{,} that night[,] Agamemnon’s camp had been attacked[.] {they} was no news afterward and the rumors of Agamemnon’s death had now reached the castle itself{,} the rumors of death of their beloved king had gripped the kingdom of Admonstia{,} there was fear everywhere."

    -This should be written as follows:
    'Naturally, the family was worried.'
    -Substitute {their} with {While the} and put a {,} after {war} and delete {and}
    - The {;} should be a {.}
    -Either put {quite awhile} or {for days} 'cause both together cannot work.
    -The {,} should be a {.}
    -Substitute {they} with {there}
    -The {,} should be a {.}
    -The {,} should be a {.}

    Don't forget to capatilize after the periods

    "The Queen and the three princes settled at the table{,}[] there were all sorts of dishes on the table[,] {but} it couldn’t have been {plainer} that no one in the room had any desire to eat anything."

    -The {,} should be a {.}
    -I would put [Although] there
    -delete {but}
    -Substitute {plainer} with {more obvious}

    "...away from the table{,}" (paragraph 7)
    -The {,} should be a {.}

    "...pushing {there} chairs back as well." (par. 8)
    -{There} should be {Their}

    "...coldly, {they} boys pulled their chairs back and didn’t dare argue. (They began to eat but not Tyson{,})"
    - There should be a [.] after coldly
    -{They} should be {The}
    -This should be written as follows:
    'They all began to eat instead of Tyson.'
    -{,} should be {.}

    When ending a complete thought, place a period at the end. Sometimes, the shorter sentences are the best ones.

    "...his mother eyes{,}"
    -{,} should be {.}

    "... queen staring back{,}"
    -The {,} should be {.}

    Instead of copying and pasting the ends of dialogues, I'm just going to say that at the end of each dialogue there should be a [.] I think that will be easier for you and me.

    "(Anastasia didn’t answer all of the sudden but took her time){,} []put her fork down{,} it {seems} like she was going to scream but when she spoke her voice was steady and calm."

    -I would rephrase with the following:
    'Anastasia took her time to asnwer his question."

    -The {,} should be a {.}
    - [She] put her fork down{.}
    -This should be {seemed}

    “No one, I just heard {they} matron talking to the cook{,} about the rumors that have been going around and….”, {but} his mother []cut him short.

    -{They} should be {The}
    -Delete the {,}
    -Delete {but} and put [suddenly] after mother

    "Tyson didn’t say anything[.] he wished[he] had never asked {her} mother the question."

    -{her} should be {his}

    "she screamed {on} the top of her voice{, so} a long and thin old man came popping in the room{,}"

    -{on} should be {at}
    -Delete {,so} and replace with ONLY a {.}
    (the [so] is unecessary)
    -{,} should be a {.}

    "...{,} tell them if they are ever seen 50 feet near the castle[ they would wish] they were never born, [now].”

    -{,] should be {and}
    - [,they will wish]
    -Delete [now] or... put a [.] after [born] and put an [!] after [now].


    Well, I'm gonna stop here for now, but I will continue this strenuous edit later. Good storyline though, I'm curious as to how this will turn out.



















  • HoneyAngel
    March 6, 2008

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    Okay I made it to chapter two... My Attention span is failing. I'll come back and read it another day. I promise.


  • stardust3492
    February 22, 2008

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    good job. There are some gramatical and spelling errors, but other than that this is a great write. Thanks for entering and good luck.


  • Kat222
    February 18, 2008

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    good start to a fantasy story. like what was already said there are spelling and grammer mistakes but all in all a very interesting read.


  • Miss-Hashmi
    February 9, 2008

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    The idea for the story is great, love it. keep up the good work, keep writing more of this. looking froward to reading more.


  • Starlight-Kisses
    February 7, 2008

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    there was spelling mistakes and some grammar problems but overall it was well written and very good i liked the idea for this and well i liked it and good luck


  • Kari gold member
    February 5, 2008

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    I am really sorry, but you must be 14 years and under to enter this contest here. It was really good though. Thanks anyway


  • IrishMonahan
    February 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    The idea for the story is good. Your main problem comes in grammar, sentence structure, and spelling. There are several places, including the first paragraph, that sentences are run on in nature. It made the story a little hard to follow, but not unreadable. I think with some work, this could be a good story.


  • whichcraft Greeters member
    January 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering my "Whichcraft Jan. Contest (revised) Another Trophyless" but I have to tell you that I will not be able to read your entry as it is. You have to fix the story format to make it easy to read for your readers. It is clumped together, which makes it difficult to decipher the paragraphs from the dialogue. Before I can judge this piece fairly, it must be fixed. Thank you.

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