Prophecy, Chaper one *Spelling Edited once*

Athan took his seat; the bus shuddered back to life and continued on its journey to school. He looked at his reflection in the window, his light blue eyes reflecting easily in the darkness of the morning. Some people would call him handsome. At just under six foot he was tall for his age, with sandy blond hair and blue eyes. Girls were always falling for him, but he was never interested. He considered himself too young at the age of 16, but his friends never thought that. They where too busy with girls to see the bigger picture, the more important picture, and slowly but surely he grew away from them.
The bus slowed, and came to a stop as quickly as it had started. The doors flew open, and on came more students of Redford School. The wind from outside was cold on his face, but before he had time to do anything about it the doors pulled shut.
“Heya, Athan. This seat taken?” called Tinra in a cheerful tone.
“It never is” he replied, as he shifted over to allow Tinra to sit down.
Athan looked compulsively out of the window.
“So, how are you?” said Tinra
“Im ok” Athan replied “You?”
“Here and there, you know how it is” Tinra was Athan’s one and only friend, although she was more than a friend to Athan, she was like a sister, always kind and caring, sticking with him no matter what. Tinra was not as tall as Athan but she was still tall compared to other people in her year. She had long dark brown hair, which covered her shoulders. With brown eyes she too was considered attractive.
“Do you know where we are going today?” She asked.
“It’s a museum I think” Athan replied.
“Oh what joy!” said Tinra, in a sarcastic tone “We get to spend our day looking at broken stuff, and things that should have been thrown out in their day, let alone our day”
“ Oh, it might not be too bad” replied Athan “At least we get to skip Mr. Heywood’s history lesson”
They both smiled, as the bus came to its final stop for the morning. Tinra, and Athan got up and exited together.
Redwood school was nothing special. It was just the same as any other school really, except today was special for the year 11’s, and everyone could feel it in the air. Their end of term trip was present, and everyone that didn’t like school was buzzing about it. Athan trampled down the path that leads to the main building of the school, closely followed by Tinra.
The bell rang just as Tinra and Athan reached the front door, and at once every student reluctantly made their way towards the door. The hall was awash with students, all making their way to classrooms to register or getting ready for the morning that followed. Tinra and Athan entered their classroom. Pupils were sitting on desks idly chatting waiting for the arrival of their forum tutor: Mr. Heywood.
Tinra and Athan slipped to the back of the class without acknowledging any of their peers. Seconds later Mr. Heywood burst through the door and glared at the pupils through his beady little eyes.
At once everyone made a run for their places, with a quick few seconds of scraping chairs everyone was sitting down looking towards the front of the classroom.
“Class” Bellowed Mr. Haywood “Today we leave the normal learning environment of the class room, and we seek education greater than we could ever find here. We are going on this trip to learn, nothing more, nothing less. Remember that we must not be silly, or next year we will not have this opportunity.”
Every year, Mr. Haywood would repeat this same speech, and every year students would misbehave and something would get broken. It was just the way of the world.
After the students had registered, Mr. Haywood directed them to the coaches that were waiting outside to take them to the museum. Athan and Tinra left the classroom and turned to head out of the building, but their path was blocked. Several of the students from the year above stood waiting for Tinra. One of them stepped forward.
“ Well hello, what have we got here” he started in a mocking tone, eyeing her up “Maybe when we come back you and me can get together some time? Huh babes?” The rest of the group giggled in the background.
“No thank you” Replied Tinra coolly, brushing off the looks that the group gave her. She went to step around the boy, but in one fast movement he grabbed her by the collar and pinned her against the lockers at the side of the hall.
“What did you say? I hope for your sake that it was a yes, or else”
Athan stepped forward, “Let her go” he commanded. The group turned, unaware that Athan was there.
“Or you’ll what?” The boy taunted.
Athan said nothing, just smiled slightly, waiting for the boys’ response to his unpredictable actions.
The boy let go of Tinra as he turned towards Athan, and let her fall to the floor. She quickly picked herself up and stood behind Athan.
“That it? Is all you are going to do stand there and smile? Next time you get in my way, they will have to call A and E to come pick you up!”
“You don’t scare me” said Athan.
“What did you say?” said the boy, enraged. “From someone who just stands there, it proves that you are scared. Come on guys, let’s leave the wimp or we are going to be late for the trip”
They walked off, laughing to each other about the boy in the year below that won’t stand up for himself.
“Are you OK?” said Athan,
“Yeah, thank you Athan” she replied. They walked fast down the hall, eager to leave for their long awaited trip. As the door burst open, they were hit by a wave of cold air. It was warm in the school, and they had forgotten how cold it was outside. Tinra did the zip of her coat up to her neck, Athan just carried on walking.
The first bus was overfilled when Athan and Tinra got there, from the outside they could see people form the other classes fighting for the back row, arguing about who sat with who, occasionally someone would get pulled out of their seat and thrown into another one by Mr. Heywood. Lucky this coach was full.
They walked around the back to find the other coach parked. A few stragglers from the first coach ran across to the second in hope to get prime seats. Athan and Tinra climbed up the steps and onto the coach, it was warmer up here, but not a lot. They chose their seats near the back of the coach, with Athan sitting by the window. The first coach roared to life; with a few more students that had not sat down in time being ejected from the coach, plodding over to the second.
Tinra heard the coach doors close, and she felt the engines fire up, and then they were off.
The coach did not have to go far seeing as the museum was only a ten minute drive away, but Athan and Tinra did not talk, they were too busy contemplating the encounter they had with the boy from the year above.
The bus pulled into the museum parking bay, and the students unloaded into there forms. Each form was then escorted into the main lobby of the museum. It was a largish hall, with a domed ceiling and a reception desk, behind which sat a receptionist who looked extremely board to Athan. Behind the reception desk there was an archway leading to the entrance of the museum, which contained three separate arrears, The Stone ages, Ancient Egypt and World War Two. Mr. Heywood moved to the reception desk. The receptionist talked into a walky-talky for a few second, before turning to see Mr. Heywood’s identification for the school. Satisfied that everything was in order, she waved for the guides to join a group of students.
The guide chosen for Tinra and Athan’s group was a medium sized man with dark curly hair. The three groups moved to a section of the museum. Tinra and Athan’s group were lead off into The Stone Age’s exhibit first.
“This is a fossil” said the guide in a deep booming voice as he came to the first cabinet. “It has been well preserved. Many scientists believe that it dates back from the times before the dinosaurs.”
“Great” whispered Athan, “If this is as boring as the rest of the museum, do you think I will be a fossil by the time we leave?” Tinra smiled.
“Moving on, we come to a short sword that might have been used in the crusades…” Athan drowned out the voice of the guide. He could feel something. Something was not right. He took a step towards one of the glass cabinets. The feeling increased. He felt cold, but warm at the same time. He took another step forward and looked into the glass cabinet; it was full of old jewelry and idles. But one was out of place, one item did not belong among the others, but which one was it? Looking around his eyes rested on an idle. It was small, and looked like a pyramid, but on its top there was a sphere. It was calling to Athan. He could feel its power reaching out to him, embracing him.
“Are you OK, Athan?” Tinra asked.
“Wha…” Athan replied, coming out from under the trance-like state.
“You don’t look OK. Should I get Mr. Heywood for you?”
“I’m fine thanks; I just need a rest for a bit”. Athan propped himself up against the wall.
“Did you feel that?”
“Feel what? I can’t feel anything its so cold”
“Never mind then.”
“Are you sure you’re OK? You look pale to me”
“No really, thanks Tinra, but im fine, I was just dizzy for a bit”
“And if we come to this cabinet here,” boomed the guide, who was unaware of Athan’s absence “We can see trinkets that were from the Stone Age, although they had no tools, they could still make idles that were strong enough to survive until today”.
“Excuse me” asked Athan “But could you tell me where that one came from?” He pointed towards the idol that he had been drawn towards a few seconds earlier.
“Sorry, there is not much we know about that piece, it was donated anonymously to the museum. We have no time frame for it; however we can estimate that it was produced some time around 100 B.C. by the markings on the side.”
“Thank you,” said Athan under his breath, not too sure whether or not the guide had heard him.
“Ok, that is this section of the museum done; follow me for the wonders of the Second World War.”
The group followed him along into the World War Two section.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully, but no matter how hard he tried, Athan could not stop thinking about the idol. Why he had been the one to feel it, when no one else could? These questions only prompted more, so Athan tried his hardest to keep his mind on the museum, but his thoughts kept coming back to it.1

It was nearing the end of the day, and time for the students to go home. They gathered on the coaches, Athan and Tinra took their seats at the back of the coach.
“That was a complete waste of time” said Tinra
“Better than a history lesson” said Athan
She had no idea what Athan had felt when he looked at the idol, but she guessed something was up.
“What happened to you in there?” she asked timidly.
“I just felt a little bit dizzy” said Athan, keeping to the same story, not knowing what would happen if he told Tinra what had really happened.
Tinra had known Athan for her entire life, they where best friends at Brickhill nursery. After that, they split up, to go to different school with Athan moving to Redford Abby, while Tinra stayed on at Brickhill for a few more years. They where unwittingly reunited at Redford Abby eleven years after meeting for the first time. From then on they had been inseparable; no one had ever managed to get between them. But Athan found himself lying to her, after everything that had happened between them.
As the bus came to a stop, the sun was already setting. Tinra’s mother was waiting for her, ready to take her home. Tinra waved goodbye to Athan, as she walked over to her mother, and Athan returned the gesture as he started to walk home.
Athan found that walking home was always the best means of getting home for him. It allowed him to collect his thoughts from the day. Except today he couldn’t. Everything he thought of eventually lead him back to the idol. The normally pleasant walk home, wasn’t quite so pleasant today.
Why was he the only one that could feel it? Was he going mad? So many questions, but so few answers. He walked fast, and although it was very cold that day, he made good time. Coming up to his house, Athan opened the front gate and walked down the long cobble path that lead up to his front door. He fumbled in his pocket for the key. Turning the key in the lock, the door swung inwards, and Athan was hit by a strong smell of fried onion.
“Is that you, Athan” called a voice from down the hall.
“Yes, mum” Athan replied, as he slipped inside the house, and closed the door behind him.
Athan’s mother was tall, just like Athan. She was pretty for her age, with long blond hair and the same deep blue eye’s as Athan.
“Dinner will be ready as soon as your father gets in”
“I’ll just go and put my coat in my room then” said Athan, half way up the stairs. Reaching the landing, he took the second door on the right, his bedroom. Athan pushed the door open and stepped in. He had the biggest bedroom in his house. In the far corner it was stacked from floor to roof with books, his bed in the middle, and in the other corner was his work desk. At the end of his bed was his 15 inch TV, although he didn’t watch it much.
As Athan threw his coat on his bed, he turned his TV on and started, idly flicking through the channels, eager to get his mind on something else rather than the idol. He flicked to the news, where he stopped, astonished.
It was the secretary from the museum.
“Do you know what was stolen?” Ask the reporter
“Its only speculation at the moment” replied the secretary “But the only item we are missing, so far, is the one from the Stone Ages collection, from the idol cabinet”.
The TV flashed a picture of what was stolen. There was no mistaking it. It was the one that had called to Athan.
From downstairs Athan herd the front door being closed, it was his father back from work.
“Athan” he called “There’s something here for you”
Athan’s heart was racing, what could all this mean? Was it some kind of fluky coincidence? Or was it something else?
Jumping from his bed, he made it to the door, and down the hall where his father was standing. Athan looked much like his father. His father was tall and skinny, but with dark brown eyes and light brown hair. Athan’s father was standing at the bottom of the stares, and Athan almost knocked him over as he ran past.
“Hey, slow down Athan, whats the rush?” said Athan’s father
“Oh” said Athan, realising how fast he was going “Nothing, I just wanted to make sure there was some food left for me” making up an excuse on the spot.
“Boys and their food… Anyway, while you are down, this was left outside for you”
Athan’s father handed him a smallish brown box. On the top, there was his address and name written in a black marker pen.
“Come on you two, your food is ready” said Athan’s mother “Come and get it before its cold”
Athan was intrigued by the box. Never had anything happened like this before.
“Ok” He called to his parents “I will just go and put this upstairs first”, and with that he sprinted back into his bedroom.
Diving into the top draw on his desk, he pulled out a Stanley knife. He slid the knife into the cellar tape, and pulled open the seal. The box lid popped open, inside it was full of little protective balls of bubble rap. His hand dived through the protective layer, eager to find out what inside.
His fingers scraped something, maybe metal or stone, it was too hard to tell. Reaching into the box, he scraped off the top layer of bubble rap, to discover something that he had never expected in his entire life.

Nothing much, just be VERY harsh. I need feadback on what i did wrong!

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Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • Elphinstone
    September 11, 2008

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    as far as i can tell, having just read very quickly through this, absolutly everything is fine. Another very good story beginning, I'm not completly gripped, but still curious to see what will happen to Athan. Nice names, too.

  • MarshmallowDreams
    July 8, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    There were quite a few grammar mistakes, but other than that I enjoyed it immensely. ^_^

  • Much-Dipstick
    July 8, 2008

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    wow, awesome. Really like the final cliffhanger, it makes you really wanna read more. You've got one heck of a plot going here, keep at it.. Just check the typo errors, like ppl have said, and maybe edit the beginning a little. Maybe you want it that way, but when i started reading i think i found he was singled out as very different instantly... Not that that's necessarily a bad thing, it just means you have to make all the rest super believeable. but you can probably pull that off anyway. awesome! keep at it!

    . Rewarded 8


  • NiennaCalmcacil
    July 7, 2008
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    ARG cliffhanger!...This was very good!! I cannot wait.

  • bleue.
    January 21, 2008

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    Oh catchy ending. Very catchy story in fact. It flowed very nicely, there was a definite plot and that is really good. You had some very nice dialogue and for the most part did a great job moving the story along with it. The only thing that I would change at the moment would be a few minor typos... but looking at the comments below it looks like people have already touched on those .

    Wonderful first chapter!


  • Ben Dover
    January 19, 2008

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    Nice read, it just needs a minor proof-reading on the technical side. But the plot, characters, and story progression were all nicely done. Not too fast, not too much detail, it was nicely balanced and a fun read. I'd like to see more of this story.

    And I'd have to give the bullies what-for later on, but that's just me... *grins*

    . Rewarded 6

  • Seria
    January 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very nice rough draft. Interesting cliffhanger. I found a bunch of small errors throughout the story, but I'm sure they'll be gone in the edited version. Good work!

    • WhiteLight15
      January 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you for your comment.

      Can i ask though, what where the errors?

      Thanks.

      Will.

      • Seria
        January 19, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        Well, for starters, it's "were" not "where". You used that constantly in your story.

        hansom= handsome

        at just under six foot he was tall for his age= put "he was tall for his age in parentheses like (he was tall for his age)

        girls where always falling for him= where is were

        they where too busy with girls to see the bigger picture= where is were

        Redford School= should be more specific; like, Redford High School

        but before he had time to do anything about it the doors pulled shut.= put comma between "but and before", then "it" and "the"

        “It never is” he replied, as he shifted over to allow Tinra to sit down.= comma after "is" and before the quotation mark

        “Im ok” Athan replied “You?”= comma between "ok" and quotation mark

        That should give you a starting idea of how to edit it. ^-^ Nice plot, though.


  • B Chandler Greeters member
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Constructive Criticism

    Well to begin with, the write needs a major overhaul with gramatical and punctuation errors. Granted, that this is an un-edited write, the bone structures of the story is good but the outside, 'fleshy parts' need working on. Look below for the corrected, pointed out paragraphs and any sidenotes made.


    She had long dark brown hair, which covered her shoulders, and brown eyes which she too was considered attractive.


    “Class” bellowed Mr. Haywood “Today we leave the normal learning environment of the class room, and we seek education grater than we could find here. We are going on this trip to learn, nothing more, nothing less. Remember that we must not be silly, or next year we will not have this opportunity.”

    “Well hello, what have we got here” he started in a mocking tone, eyeing her up. “Maybe when we come back you and me can get together some time? Huh babes?” The rest of the group giggled in the background.

    “No thank you” Replied Tinra coolly, brushing off the looks that the group gave her. She went to step around the boy, but in one fast movement he grabbed her by the collar and pinned her against the lockers at the side of the hall.

    Athan said nothing, just smiled slightly, waiting for the boy’s response to his unpredictable actions.

    The first bus was overfull when Athan and Tinra got there, from the outside they could see people form the other class’s fighting for the back row, arguing about who sat with who, occasionally someone would get pulled out of their seat and thrown into another one by Mr. Heywood. Luckily, this coach was full.

    Tinra heard the coach doors close and she felt the engines fire up, and then they were off.

    The bus pulled into the museum parking bay, and the students unloaded into their forms. Each form was then escorted into the main lobby of the museum. It was a largish hall, with a domed ceiling and a reception desk, behind which sat a receptionist who looked extremely board to Athan. Behind the reception desk there was an archway leading to the entrance of the museum, which contained three separate areas: The Stone ages, Ancient Egypt and World War Two. Mr. Heywood moved to the reception desk. The receptionist talked into a walky-talky for a few second, before turning to see Mr. Heywood’s identification for the school. Satisfied that everything was in order, she waved for the guides to join a group of students.

    The guide chosen for Tinra and Athan’s group was a middle sized man, with dark curly hair. The three groups moved to a section of the museum. Tinra and Athan’s group were leading off into The Stone Age’s exhibit first.

    “Moving on, we come to a short sword that might have been used in the crusades…” Athan drowned out the voice of the guide. He could feel something. Something was not right. He took a step forward towards one of the glass cabinets, the feeling increased. He felt cold, but warm at the same time. He took another step forward and looked into the glass cabinet; it was full of old jewelry and idles. But one was out of place, one item did not belong among the others, but which one was it? Looking around his eyes rested on an idle. It was small and looked like a pyramid, but on its top there was a sphere. It was calling to him. He could feel its power, reaching out to him--embracing him.

    “I am fine thanks; I just need a rest for a bit”. Athan propped himself up against the wall.

    “Feel what? I can’t feel anything it’s so cold”

    “And if we come to this cabinet here” boomed the guide, who was unaware of Athan’s absence “We can see trinkets that were from the Stone Age, although they had no tools, they could still make idles that where strong enough to survive until today”.

    “Thank you” said Athan under his breath, not too sure whether or not the guide had heard him.


    (“Ok, that is this section of the museum done; follow me for the wonders of the Second World War.” The group followed him along into the next section.
    [Note that if you had already pointed out where the group is going, the follow-up line don’t need to emphasize on the destination again]



    It was nearing the end of the day, and time for the students to go home. They gathered on the coaches and took their seats at the back of the coach.


    “Better than a history lesson” said Athan


    Tinra had known Athan for her entire life. They where best friends at the Brickhill nursery. After that, they split to go to different school. With Athan moving to Redford Abby while Tinra stayed on at Brickhill for a few more years. They were unwittingly reunited at Redford Abby eleven years after meeting for the first time. From there on, they had been inseparable; no one had ever managed to get between them however, Athan found himself lying to her, after everything that had happened between them.


    Athan’s mother was tall, just like her son; she was pretty for her age, with long blond hair, and the same deep blue eyes as Athan.



    “I will just go and put my coat in my room then” said Athan, half way up the stares. Reaching the landing, he took the second door on the right, his bedroom. Athan pushed the door open and stepped in. He had the biggest bedroom in his house; in the far corner it was stacked from floor to roof with books, his bed being in the middle, and in the other corner was his work desk. At the end of his bed was his 15 inch TV, although he didn’t watch it much.

    . Rewarded 8

  • Aaez
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    well will!!! the story is great!! and i love the vocab!! its simple and classy...and looks very good!! i love the plot line..and the characters are very nice!! tho i didnt like the bullies.... . i loved the flow and everything...tho there were some spelling mistakes...quiet a few....but its unedited so its okay

    • WhiteLight15
      January 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you for your comment

      I can't spell However ice wolf is being VERY helpful, and going over it for me

      Also, i was going to do something a little bit l8er with the bullies, but im not too sire wether or not to keep them in...

  • BronxGirlBailey97
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i wonder what he got this is very good i think the little idle sounds very pretty why was it calling to him i think maybe he is special or something this is very long but i read it anyway becase youre nice and wanted comment but now it is very good and i am very imprest its very good i like it lots
    Bailey May Anderson

    • WhiteLight15
      January 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks.

      Thank you for your comment, and also, you will need to read on (when i have finished other the other chapters) to find out why it was calling to him.

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