“Are you sure you saw it come this way?" asked Marisa, twisting her white apron with nervous fingers.1
I sighed softly, already frustrated with her. Although, we'd only just started our trek through these woods. "Yes, Marisa, twice I've seen the foretold white fawn enter the Mystic Wood." I stepped over a fallen tree trunk, lifting the hem of my linen skirt. 2
"I don't see why we must leave our homes forever,” she complained.3
I clenched my fist tighter around my skirt as I tried to not let my impatience show. "The land has changed. The disease grows quickly. If we are to survive, we must find a new home. Please, hold your tongue and help the little ones."4
Not waiting for an answer, I continued on. Around me, the forest had grown quiet. The bugs and birds had flown away or waited patiently for us to pass. From the path, I could hear the low murmur of my traveling companions- four women and six children- and the bleating of one milk goat. An occasional twig would snap and echo through the dense trees. Sunlight speared the dimness as we traveled. I noticed that the children were lagging behind the goat. Their feet dragged, kicking up puffs of dust, and their shaggy heads hung wearily. I held up my calloused hand. "Let's stop here. Marisa, Ida, pass out something to eat. I'll search for water."5
I started away and Marianna followed. We walked in silence for a time before she spoke up. "Liana, do you know where we are going? I only ask because Annetta is almost due. This isn't good for the baby." She pushed her bonnet off her head. Her blonde hair flowed over her shoulders.6
I stopped her with a sharp look. The pain of a lost child clouded my vision and once again I watched in slow agonizing memory as Tonio's life slipped away from me.7
Marianna's blue eyes widened as she watched my face. "Oh, Liana, I'm sorry! I had forgotten about your boy."8
She rushed over to comfort me, almost tripping over a small shrub. I pushed her away and continued on.9
"That is the reason we must keep moving. We must follow the fawn," I said, harshly over my shoulder. "Our children are dying. The males don't make it three days and the girls only survive a month."10
I pushed a tree branch out of my way and was greeted by acidic smell of a fir tree. The white fawn sat expectantly in the clearing beyond. I motioned Marianna to stay behind me and to remain quiet. The sweet sound of birdsong surrounded us once again.11
The fawn stood before me, watching with deep green eyes. Its coat was like the snow on the distant mountains, pure and untouched. Its small ears twitched as we slowly walked into the clearing. Around the fawn, tall wild grass grew. The brown and green colors looked more vivid in the golden sunlight. The fawn ignored the bees that wove in and out of the grasses around it. 12
"Marianna,” I said in a low whisper. "Go back and gather the others. But go slowly, so we do not startle the creature."13
I don't know if she nodded or not, but she slipped away unheard. When she was gone, the fawn dropped its head as though it was going to eat, and then brought its head up without so much as a leaf. Twice it repeated the gesture. I stood there silently not sure what was happening. 14
The fawn must have been frustrated by my lack of understanding, because I suddenly found myself on my backside with all of my breath knocked out of me. I swear I didn't see it move.15
”Thank you for sitting,” it said softly inside my head. The sound was gentle and smooth, like the fur of a bunny after a long winter. The fawn’s voice didn’t startle me, for the fireside stories all said it could talk.16
”What else do these stories say about me?” the fawn asked, laughing curiously.17
"Well," I said to it out loud. "They say you only appear when a crisis arises with children." 18
It nodded, confirming that story, swiveling its ear forward.19
I held up my hand and started ticking off other traits. "You can fly, you are female, the goddess Damara made flesh, your tears have healing properties and you can make the dead live again." 20
Amused laughter bounced around inside my head and I stopped to see the fawn sitting on its haunches, like a family cat or dog. I wondered if maybe it was going to clean itself like one, too. I shook that thought off as the fawn's laughter stopped suddenly 21
“I am not a family pet.” It was not amused anymore.22
"I, I'm sorry," I stumbled. "Sometimes I just think odd things. I've learned to not say them out loud."23
The fawn nodded. “You have much improved from when you were younger.”24
My eyebrows rose, as my eyes grew wide. "How would you know?" 25
”I know many things.”26
"So are you the Goddess Damara?" 27
”No. And I can neither fly nor bring the dead to life.”28
I looked down at my hands. I hadn't noticed the brambles and thorns that clinging to my skirt. I began to pull these nuisances out as the white fawn continued to talk.29
”I know you were hoping I could bring your boy, Tonio, back. It's why you originally sought me out. But I cannot.’”30
I nodded. I heard the faint sounds of voices and crying from behind me. "That was true, but now I just want safe passage through the Mystic Wood and a place to start again, without fear of the disease that took my son and the other children."31
I looked up hesitantly as the rest of my group settled around me. I felt Marisa and Ida lay their hands on my shoulders; their warmth was welcome, as the children crowded around my back. Marianna and Annetta stood behind us all like guardians. 32
”There is such a place.”33
I could hear several gasps in the grassy clearing as the fawn’s voice came to my companions.34
"And how far is this place?" Annetta asked, her hand resting on her swollen stomach.35
The fawn looked at her, but we all could hear it's reassuring voice. “The babe is fine; strong and healthy.” It tilted its head and paused. “A boy, I see.”36
Smiles broke out and cheerful laughter erupted.37
”Safe passage is granted for you and all who follow you. Take to the path behind me.” It rose to stand again and swung its head towards the parting grass.38
Another gasp arose from my companions, but I just smiled. Everything felt right. More right than it had for a while now.39
My companions went by me and started down the path. I turned to the fawn.40
”Four days until you reach a safe haven,” the fawn confirmed.41
"How did you know what I was going to ask?" 42
The fawn stamped its hoof. “You will.” 43
I caught my breath. ”I'll have children again?"44
Another nod.45
"Do you have a name? As you are not the Goddess Damara, I'd like to know whom it is I address."46
The fawn tilted its head again, like a dog giving a curious look. “I am the Mystic Woods” 47
"May I call you Mystic?"48
”That would be acceptable.”49
I watched as the goat took up the tail end of the line.50
"Liana, are you coming?" Marisa called. 51
"I'll be right there," I called back. “Thank you...” I turned to finish my sentence, but the clearing was empty. "Mystic?"52
~~~
Four days and a few hours after sunset, we found a valley lush with fruits and clean water. Other families had made their way through the Mystic Wood and had built their homes here in Salvation Valley.53
Annetta gave birth to my godson two days later. He is now six and mischievous as any child could be. Dante was the first born, but not the last child to grace this valley.54
”As we gather on restdays, like today, we spend them telling and retelling the story of our trip through the Wood, for the sake of the children. Of why we had to leave our old homes and find a new one.” I reached down and ruffled Dante's shaggy hair. “One day, you will take up the responsibility of telling the tale."55
"We won't forget Mystic," Dante said, resting his chin on my knee.56
"No." I met my godson's deep green eyes and smiled. "No, we won't."
Author notes
Edited 6/5/08
Was published in Mirror Dance Fantasy ezine, March edition.
I hearby grant Mirror Dance the right to publish this work in the Spring 2008 issue. I have read and understood the guidelines for the magazine. I understand that, if my story is selected for the magazine, all rights will remain with me, the author; but I am not to publish the work anywhere else for the months in which the Spring issue runs.
In a list
A contest entry
- Mystic Wood (Winners Published in Mirror Dance!) by Bitter Irony.
250 points, ended February 1, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - You've Been Tagged! by Oblivion Kitty God.
1450 points, ended July 7, 13 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Tickets Please! by CactusJack.
225 points, ended August 17, 13 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 47 of 47
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Wow that was quite powerful
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Hey, i thought this was a good chapter read.
It flowed well and was enjoyable to read. The imagery was well constructed and easy to follow and you crafted nicely the background thoughts of what and why. It was like a little glimpse into another world and though I have never talked to a fawn and would otherwise have thought it silly, I actually was caught up in the read. You caught my interest despite the subject and that's good writing. Nice work.
p.s. The only suggestion that stood out to me was the baby faux pas by Marianna.
"She rushed over to comfort me, almost tripping over a small shrub. I pushed her away and continued on."
I thought maybe this could have been an opportunity to show empathy between the two women for the trial they both faced, one in past and one impending. This would have been an opportunity to build faith in the lead character. I felt irked by her lack of accepting compassion for some reason. But that was it. Nice job.
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Firstly I want to congratulate you for being published
I hope they publish more
This was amazing, I loved how it was written I was over taken by it.
I have no other words then amazing and wonderful!!!!!!! ... awesome aswell
I liked everything about this.... everything
Congrats again and good luck with your other stories
xox
-Missi
p.s Amazing, wonderful and awesome
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All this praise and I my get a swelled head. But seriously thank you so much for the
and for just stopping by the read this.
Brooke
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Beautiful!! Just beautifully written! You blew me away with this story!!! YAY!
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I'm
. Thank you for the praise.
Brooke
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This is a really good story. I think you could expand it to include more of the "why" they were leaving their homes looking for new land, but on its own this piece reads quite well. Excellent character development and description. Congrats on your publishing credits for this!!!
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I never really thought about expanding it more for the past, only for the future. But it is something to think about. Thanks for reading this.
Brooke
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This story is incredible! The plot flows so well and the descriptions make it almost like a movie rather than a story. I loved the characterisation of the fawn in particular- esspecially the comparison of it to the common family pet! I also liked the part where the fawn revealed itself to be the vocalisation of the woods. This entire story is amazing!
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Thank you. When writing this there was a picture in the contest. The picture was where a white buck was being chased by a group of women. Well I didn't have my glasses on when I looked at it, so I came up with a fawn and the ladies were just following it. Hahahahaha image my surprise when the contest holder said it was wrong. She found a new picture for me and then the story really worked.
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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Nice little fantasy tale here.
Women making their way through a strange forest with the help of a fabled fawn. Each character had a voice and the descriptions showed us what was happening. Nicely written.
I found nothing to add to Token's suggestions.
Great write. Congrats on the publishing.
Greg
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Thanks Greg. I really had a great time writing this. And Megan (BitterIrony) was a really big help in the editing part.
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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I sighed softly, frustrated already with her, though
couple small things here... if you reversed frustrated and already it would flow easier, the comma after her should be a full stop... and though should be although with a comma following the although.
a comma is not necessary before 'as'
Around me the forest had grown quiet
comma after me
Watch wordy sentences... From the path behind me, I could hear the low murmur of my traveling companions- four women and six children- and the bleating of one milk goat.
since we already know the character is not waiting for her friends and keeps going... the 'behind me' is unnecessary.
Sunlight speared the dimness as we traveled, giving us enough light to see by
the same here ... if you remove the 'giving us enough light to see by... it flows into the next sentence.
I said harshly over my shoulder
comma needed after said
The fawn stood before me, watching me with deep green eyes.
the second me is unnecessary
I really like the way the dialogue flows in this, it doesn't sound awkward. It's rather believable. Impressive writing.
The story is rather touching, you really build the characters well and by the end you truly feel for them. Impressive writing, just a bit of touchups. Great work.
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Thanks Chryssi for pointing those out. I do get pretty wordy sometimes. I will be going through this and making those corrections.
Thanks again for stopping by and reading.
Brooke
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wow, it's being published?!?!?! Awesome! I wish *I* could publish something! THat would be so uber awesomely cool! Wow! Sounds like fun! I'm happy for you!!!!
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Thanks. It was so satifying to know that something I had written was good enough
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"I don't see why we must leave our homes forever?" She whined in my ear.3
**wait.. like... wouldn't she have to be really close to whine in her ear. I'd just say whined
The fawn must have been frustrated by my lack of understanding, because I found myself on my backside with all of my breath knocked out of me. I swear I didn't see it move.16
**i think you need a more sudden transition
When the fawn starts talking, I think the main character should show more amazement and awe and be less... divulging. It seemed they were talking normally and the main character had no fear/like she was talking to a normal friend.
She tilting her head and paused.
**tilted
Your language was simple, but effective, making it an easy read but full of depth. My first feelings were that this was going to be the beginning of a long adventure story. The end kind of caught me abruptly like... oh... If your going to keep the ending, i suggest that you make more emotion connected with why this main character NEEDS the assurance of the fawn and the grief and confusion she underwent with her loss. It should be a story both about the individual main character and the needs of the community to find a safe new settlement. SO yea. my thoughts :-D.
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Thanks for reading this. You've given me a lot to think about. I just hope I have time to go through it. The contest ended today.
Thanks also for those corrections.
Brooke
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I like fantasy and your story displayed the theme thoroughly. I liked the characters as well since they jumped off the page for me. I could visualize them well and they each had their own personality. Good luck in the magazine.
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Thanks for reading this. I really hope it's up BitterIronys expectations
Again thank you.
Brooke
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very good writing, very good imagery and was wirrten with a sense of relism
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Thanks for the comment. Thanks for stopping by.
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Excellent!
Hi Brooke,
I enjoyed this story much! You did a wonderful job. I loved how you painted a picture by your words! This story had a good follow and pace.
Lynn
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Thanks Lynn for stopping by and reading this. Glad you liked it.
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I really liked this story! I could actually picture all that was happening. Great write and keep up the good work!
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Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Brooke
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The wording flowed softly throughout as the story carried the reader upon a graceful journey.
The only jolt in the ride appeared to be the ending, where you fell into summary. If you can find the means to wind down the ending with a bit less summary I see a winner.
Perhaps you can wind down the story with her godson asking her to tell the tale again, which would bring the reader to believe she was telling the story to him all along, and would accomplish the same goal you had for the ending - to know that everything worked out alright.
Kepp writing 'em girl. Ya get better each time, and I think you are finally striking that fine balance between description and activity.
Here are a few suggestions I had:
I sighed softly[, Frustrated with her already], though we'd only just started our trek through [the] woods.
"Please, []hold your tongue [still] and help the little ones."
Not waiting for an answer[,] I continued on.
Sunlight speared the dimness as we traveled[,] giving us enough light to see by.
Their feet dragged, kicking up puffs of dust[,] and their shaggy heads hung wearily.
Marissa, Helen[,] pass out something to eat. I'll search for water."
Around the fawn[,] tall wild grass grew.
''You can fly, you are female, the goddess Damara made flesh, your tongue or saliva is a healing agent and []you can make the dead live again.''
I wondered if maybe she was going to clean herself like one too[.]
I began to [pull] these nuisances out as the white fawn continued to talk.
''I know you were hoping I could bring your boy, Thomas back. Its why you originally sought me out.[] But I cannot." [I nodded].
Arlene asked [holding her stomach and out of breath, "And how far is this place?"
The fawn looked at her, but we all could hear her reassuring voice. 'The babe is fine; strong and healthy.' she [tilted her head and] paused. '[I see a boy.]'
'Safe passage for you and all [who] follow you. [Take to] the path behind me.'
"How did you know what I was going to ask?"[]
'You will.'
"Do you have a name? [As you are not the Goddess Damara, I'd like to [know whom it is I address].
The fawn tilted its head again, like a dog giving [] a curious look.
"Mary[,] are you coming?" Marissa called.
"I'll be right there," I called back[,] “Thank you for ...” I turned to finish my sentence, but the clearing was empty. "Mystic[?]"
Arlene [gave birth to my godson] two days later. He is now six [and] Mischievous as any child could be. -
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Thanks Ken,
I will see what I can do. Thanks for looking over this and I will make those corrections.
Brooke
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Those final three paragraphs were a bit hasty. I would have like to witness a conclusion.
A nicely written piece, easy to follow and ‘See’ the locality and characters and feel their emotions, but I was left with the feeling this is part of a much longer story.
I had the desire to know what sickness caused such devastation, that their children were dying shortly after birth?
How did the children with them survive?
Where are the grown men? They want more children—without at least one it isn’t going to happen.
Some cute bits of humour that added to the fun of the read.
Those final three paragraphs were a bit hasty. I would have like to witness a conclusion. Perhaps the arrival of the other families, the birth of Arlene’s son or Mary connecting up with her husband.
Just a few things to look at:
I stopped her with a sharp look. The pain of a lost child clouded my vision and once again I watched in slow agonizing motion (memory) as Thomas' life slipped away from me.5
It's (Its) small ears twitched as we slowly walked into the clearing.10Around the fawn tall wild grass grew.
Their (Its or The) brown and green colors looked more vivid in the golden sunlight.
"Go back and gather the others. But go slowly, (so) as to not startle the creature."12
(I swear) I didn't see her move.14I
I began to put (pull) these nuisances out as the white fawn continued to talk.25.
Its (It’s) why you originally sought me out.' I nodded.
she (She) paused her, tilting her head. 'A boy I see.’32
Good luck with the publication.
Geri
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks Geri for going over this. I will take your suggestions very seriously and make the corrections. Again thank you
Brooke
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Hey, I haven't been on to comment or write anything fiction-wise in awhile, but here goes...
There is nothing wrong with this story, it reads like a hundred other fantasy stories I've read--and that's the problem. It drifts along like you're walking through the forest, but it's missing something that would bring it to life and give it some soul, something to make me want to know and care about these people and to be willing to read more chapters of their saga. It's too pat, like a million bits half remembered from all the books you've read. My honest advice is to write, write, write. Get all of the mirrors of other peoples ideas, worlds etc out and then there will be room for something that lives. ~Six. Rewarded 8
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Thanks for your very honest opinion. I will read through it and see what I can come up with.
Again thanks
Brooke
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Very well written
I really liked your story especially the character of the fawn. "I am The Mystic Wood"
Reminded me of Treebeard "I am Fangorn" I found this to be a really up beat story full of hope and new beginnings arising out of tragedy. You certainly found the "feel good factor" in this one. Well done.. Rewarded 6
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Thanks John. I've not read Treebeard 'I am Fangorn'. Sounds like I should though.
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Hi Syren
Treebeard is a character in Lord of the Rings. You either love that book or you hate it. No middle ground. Give it a go. -
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Kinda feel like a fool
I've not read LOR, by the time I was interested they did the movies and I couldn't get into those. I suppose I'm one that doesn't like them. I do want to sit down and read it. Maybe I'll wait until the hype dies down more. It's wierd because I love epic fantasy stories like that. My fav is Terry Brooks 'Shanara' series. Well anyways thanks for clearing that up
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If you like Shanara, you'll love Lord of the Rings. "Sword of Shanara" is basically LotR with a sword instead of a ring! :-)
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I'll warn you in advance; I'm going to be a little harsh in this critique. The good news is, I'm harsh because I really like your style and would love to include some of your work in the magazine.
I'm asking if you could please do a rewrite of this story for the contest with some of the following corrections;
Correct some of the grammar issues, especially commas. For example;
“Are you sure you saw it come this way?" [a]sked Marissa[,] twisting her white apron with nervous fingers.
I sighed softly, already frustrated with her [though] we'd only just started our trek through these woods. "Yes[,] Marissa, twice I've seen the foretold white fawn enter the Mystic Wood."
That second sentence is still a run-on (I sighed softly...), but this is your story, so I'll let you decide how you want to fix it. :-)
See if you can cut some unnecessary words, particularily sequential notes such as "then" and "after a while." This can make the story feel like it's dragging, even when it isn't.
"I pushed a tree branch out of my way and was greeted by acidy smell of a Fir tree and the white fawn."
Acidy should be acidic or acrid. Fir doesn't need to be capitalized. Right now, it sounds like the white fawn smells acidy--something I don't think you intended. :-) See if you can fix that.
Its is the possesive; it's means it is.
My final notes are more on stylistic choices than anything. Firstly, a fawn is a baby deer; a doe is a female deer. The deer in the painting is a stag, but since I have at least two pieces from this contest lined up as possible winners, I'd actually prefer if you left it a female so I could use this image with the story instead; http://i261.photobucket.com/albums/ii65/Mirror_Dance/LadyClare.jpg
It's up to you whether the deer is a fawn or a doe. If you don't like the painting above, that's fine--you can make the deer whatever you want and I'll stick with the Mystic Wood painting for both pieces.
The second issue is with the names; some of them are real names, and some are from your own imagination. It helps give the story a sense of place if the names at least sound like they belong to the same culture. Of course, it's your choice as the author; I'd just like to put that out there as a suggestion.
Whew! I hope some of that made sense, anyway. Please let me know when the corrected version of this story is up, and I'll be happy read it and make a final decision as to whether to include it in the magazine. If you have any questions about what I'm talking about in this review, fell free to ask. I know I get confusing when it comes to my e-zine. :-)
Thanks for entering the contest, and good luck!
~Bitter Irony
. Rewarded 8
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Ok I hope I've done what you wanted.
I did look at the picture and it is good. I didn't realize the other one was a stag. Sorry about that. I missed the horns or I would have made the fawn a stag instead. If you want I can change that. I just used the fawn because of the childrens aspect.
I love that fact that you picked this apart. It's so hard to find ppl that are willing to do that. Thank you.
Now if there is something else I need to do, please let me know. I'm really excited about this contest
Brooke
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Thanks for doing the revisions. I know they're not the most fun part of writing, and I appreciate you taking the time to go over them.
There are still a couple sentence fragments (for example, "Not waiting for an answer and continued on.") that I think you meant to have connected with the sentence previous. You can go over and pick those out if you want, but I wouldn't really worry about it until after the contest closes.
I like the idea of the fawn/children mirroring; I say keep it. :-)
Just to warn you (and this goes for all contest entrants who may be looking at this thread); the contest reading period will probably be extended; I don't plan on judging until sometime between the 30th and early February. I'm just letting you know 'cuz I know how frustrating it can be to wait for a contest to end when there are "high stakes" so to speak. Sorry about the wait.
Thanks again for the revision! Let me know if you make any more changes before the contest ends.
~Bitter Irony -
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I've fixed a few, but I'm concerned that I'm not finding them all. If you had time could you please point the ones I missed.
And I understand about the contest and the extension. Will be waiting for the end of the month.
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I liked it, even if no one got maimed or blasted with magical whatchamacallits or anything. Very nice story, but then what else do you do? *laughs*
. Rewarded 4
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Now I need to learn how to write with ppl blowing up or such. That's a challenge I need to try. Hmmmm....Nope nothing coming to mind at this moment. But it's something to think about.
You are making me. Now stop that.
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NO!
I need to learn to write WITHOUT people blowing up and stuff--or yelling, or shooting, or all that rampant beheading that seems to follow most of my main characters around. *laughs*
I write to resolve anger issues that I'm too nice to spread about in my daily life. But reading your stuff chills me out, same as sitting on a sunny hillside and watching clouds float over.
It's your gift, don't play with it! -
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Thanks, but still I do need to challenge myself.
But you're gift is blowing ppl up and such. And humor.
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Paragraph 28: "Its" should be "It's" as in "it is".
Other than that, I didn't see anything I would change. An excellent write, yet again. I always enjoy your stories, [name hidden for contest reasons]. Great write, and good luck in the conest. *cheers you on*
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Such a sweety you are. Thanks for pointing that out. Will go fix it before Bitter looks at it again.
Brooke
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