The Passion of the Bees

Anyone who has read my buddyprofile in depth on AIM knows this story. 1

I call this movie... 2

THE PASSION OF THE BEES 3

Okay, the beginning of the movie starts out like any old movie, with opening credits. The soundtrack is overamplfied sounds of screaming crack babies and mating howler monkeys. The crowd shuffles in as the matinee slaves close the doors and bolt them, ensuring no one may escape. After 45 minutes of the soundtrack, people get restless and try to leave, but they realize they cannot. The movie finally begins, and opens with a scene of a child in his bed. 4

Now, before I go any further, I want to remind you that this part in the movie is very similar to “The Lost World - Jurassic Park.” 5

The child is sleeping, and wakes up to a crunching noise. He goes to the window to see what is going on. A T-Rex-like monster is standing right in front of his window, staring him down. If this movie was made about 14 years ago, I would have called for Macaulay Caulkin to be the lil’ child, but unfortunately, he is dead…or just old…I’m not sure. 6

Anyway, the audience chuckles because of the humor of the situation. Because, you see, people like violence, especially pointless violence. It makes them laugh. 7

Well, some may call me sadistic and cruel, but the movie must go on. 8

Anyway, the monster puts the child in his mouth and crunches down on him. By this time, the audience is in hysterics, because Americans love pointless violence. Of course, I hate people who laugh at violence, so they are taught a lesson. 9

The sound effects, naturally, are meat filled condoms being slapped together with great force. This scene ensues for about two minutes, and there are still a few people laughing. 10 minutes pass, and the monster is still chewing on the kid, and he is still alive. 10

The audience is silent. 11

NEXT SCENE 12

25 MINUTES OF SOMEONE VOMITING FROM HIS OWN ASS, THEN TURNING AROUND AND SNEEZING CONSTANTLY UNTIL HE PASSES OUT. 13

NEXT SCENE 14

THE LOOOOOOVE SCENE 15

Now, I’m sure all of you are very familiar with love scenes, and know that they are usually very sensual. 16

Mine isn’t. 17

The girl, we’ll just call her sex-hole, approaches the guy….we’ll call him sex-hole-filler (SHF). Or Sally and Randy. I think the actors for this scene will have to be a transvestite/girl/horse/broomstick and some pretty boy actor that everyone hates. How about…Hilary Duff? 18

Anyway, Sally is in the bathroom, shaving her tongue hair and waxing her chest, when Randy comes in and makes sexual gestures to her. Randy is half aborigine, so the gestures include feeding her the penis of a striped donkey and cutting off her fingertips. We don’t know why this happens, but it wastes some time. And me likes wasting time. 19

Anyway, they become naked, but Sally becomes sick and vomits uncontrollably. It doesn’t do any good at this moment to explain, so I’ll turn it briefly over to dialogue: 20

Sally: “Oh god, I vomited on myself.” 21

Randy: “That’s okay, baby, I likes it like that.” 22

…Riveting. 23

Anyway, what occurs at this moment is the most obscure, heinous act against nature ever witnessed by human eyes. 24

Lemme put it this way. 25

You know that sound you get when you stir macaroni and cheese? 26

That’s it. 27

OVERAMPLIFED. 28

Close-ups of numerous veins are nice, too. 29

Anyway, anyone in the audience at this point who hasn’t shot, burned, or hung himself watch in horror as the love scene continues. The scene ends, and everyone breathes a sigh of relief. The ones alive, anyway, or not vomiting. Wait, I forgot the ending dialogue. 30

Randy: “Was it good for you?” 31

Sally: “I’ve had better.” 32

End scene 33

FINAL SCENE 34

AN hour and a half of a disgustingly cute sing-a-long song sung by a moose with numerous head ornaments on and a bat in a tuxedo. The same notes are sung repeatedly in repetition, each being louder then the last. There are no words, because as you know, bats and moose don’t know English. 35

End movie 36

Credits consist of people walking onto the screen and exploding in front of the camera, one by one, for three hours. 37

Ermm...yeah, that’s it.38