Prologue: 1
Rain was coming down in heavy showers. Swords were swinging in the air, hitting metal and piercing through flesh. The King stabbed the oncoming creature in the chest with his sword. The rain was making it impossible for him to see anything except blurry figures. This was enough to confirm that they were losing. In the confusion, he heard a loud trumpet. The leader of these creatures was here. The soldiers around him cleared to form a path. The King could now see the horrible beast. He stared into its eyes. It looked backed without blinking. A grin spread over his face. It raised the axe it was carrying. The King knew what it meant. It was challenging him to a duel.2
--------------------3
Miles away in a beautiful high ceiling room, Queen Maeema sat at a highly polished table along with her three sons: William; Jonathan and Tyson. Waiting as supper was being served. The usual chatter was missing from the table and something else was also missing. Today, the King’s chair was empty. While the others were saying their prayers, Tyson glanced at the empty chair that belonged to his father.4
“Mother, I don’t want to eat,” said Tyson. He stood up, ready to leave. 5
His brothers followed his lead and stood up as well. “We don’t feel like eating either.”6
The queen gave them one of her icy cold stares. She knew the reason behind this attitude, their Kingdom was at war and her husband, the King was at the border fighting not with human but with the unknown dark demons.7
“You will eat,” she said,8
Usually, this simple statement was enough to scare the boys to death but, today they did not flinch. The last message from their father had come eight days back. 9
“I am fine, we are still putting up a fight.” That was it. And now rumors of the arrival of the great demon lord and death of Somonuis were flying around.10
A few minutes of silence followed. “Is he dead mother?” Tyson questioned his mother, breaking the silence that had stretched between them.11
“Who are you talking about, dear?” the queen’s face was firm as usual but her voice shook badly.12
“You know who I am talking about. Our father! Because if he’s dead mother, at least let us know.”13
Maeema took her time before answering. She put her folk on the table. Her eyes portrayed her anger. It looked like she was going to scream but when she spoke her voice was calm and understanding.14
“From whom, did you hear this?” She asked looking straight into Tyson’s eyes.15
Tyson wasn’t able to lie. “No one, I just heard the matron and the guard talking about the rumors outside my room.”16
“So, you already know this is a rumor, but you still decided to badger me for no reason.” She said with her normal stern voice.17
Tyson tired to answer, but he had no answer for this. When he didn’t talk after opening his mouth several times, the queen screamed on top of her voice, “Masters!”18
An old man came popping in it the room. “Yes my lady.” He said bowing down.19
“Guide the Princes back to their rooms; they can eat their supper there. Make sure they do eat it. And also I need to talk with the matron and the new guard that was appointed outside Tyson’s room.”20
“Yes, my lady.” He said as he guided the Princes out of the room.21
-----------22
Thunder clashed and an instant downpour started. There was an even louder cracking noise and three hooded figures appeared out of thin air leaving a dark black circle at the spot they had appeared. Another similar cracking noise and another two hooded figures appeared and another loud noise and two more came. 23
“Any news from the west?” asked the biggest one of the hooded figures.24
“Yes,” replied one of two that had appeared last.25
“Somonuis’s dead, Meanoush is losing the battle, the demons have almost breached his castle’s defenses and Kenease has just been captured by the undead leader Saknthought.” 26
Sigh! “Things aren’t going well for men after all. Same in the east, Sultan Azaruddin has gone in hiding along with his family, Sher Kalar Khan is dead, Raja Laxman has surrendered to the Orckish forces and Mei Long has offered his alliance to the demon lord Bettlemouth.” 27
Some of the hooded figures made noises of outrage and then one burst out.28
“So, are we going to just stand here and discuss the extinction of the human race? We are the guardians of this land we must do something, why can’t we attack these horrors ourselves?” 29
“No we mustn’t.” Said the hooded figure that have so far stayed quite, the moment he spoke silence fell, it was clear that he was their leader.30
“But...” said the figure that had just stopped talking, but the eldest one raised a finger for silence. 31
“We can not interfere directly.”32
“So what must we do, wise one? We can’t just watch the whole of human race dying out like this.” 33
“No, we can’t but we should act the ways we are supposed to. Send messages to their leader, what the men need most now is a peace treaty."34
One of the hooded figure came forward. "I will personally visit them myself and he disappeared with a similar cracking noise, several other followed his lead.35
"We need to contact the priests, it is time to awake the sleeping druids so that the land itself may wage war on these brute." He pointed out towards the largest one. He also nodded and disappeared. 36
"Do you have the names I asked for?” The leader directed his question towards the aggressive one.37
"I have tracked down three, one is still missing," he said.38
"Then, find him. We don't have much time. The negoitiations aren't going to work out, they have already won, they won't settle for anything. It's just a trick to buy us time. You do realize now, how little time we have?" the leader asked.39
The aggressive one looked determined. "I will not fail you master." He also disappeared in the same fashion with another one. 40
The leader turned towards the last figure standing. "I need you to contact the banished ones."41
“Banished ones?” asked the hooded figure in amazement.42
“I am talking about the part humans that have been forced under the earth and made to stay in packs like animals for survival. They might not posses the essences of human spirit but their arms are well trained for battle.”43
“Wise one are you sure they would want to help, they never get along with me,” said the hooded figure.44
“Tell them, it’s about time they should put their old quarrels behind. I am sure they would understand that how serious the problem is, they are faced by a common enemy. They have to unite.”45
"I will commune to them your message," said the last hooded figure as he too disappeared in the darkness.46
Somewhere a small creature watched this meeting, through his eyes the scene reached out to a higher source.47
"Men and their so-called guardians. Always so predictable."
Author notes
So especially to those who have read the original one. Did they like the changes?
It's a fantasy?
In a list
A contest entry
- The Pot Of Stew: A Mixture of Here and There by Miss Hanako Cullen.
294 points, ended February 22, 2008, 37 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A Contest for Everyone! by RegalTheft.
450 points, ended March 30, 2008, 26 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I love fantasy by Prodigious.Mirth.
350 points, ended March 13, 2008, 6 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Desperate for a bit of -- fantasy? by Asfand.
350 points, ended July 5, 2008, 18 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Contest by His.Golden.Eyes.
160 points, ended July 9, 37 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Dust off your Honorable Mentions. Polish that brass. It's your lucky day. by SageSyren.
350 points, ended May 16, 19 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Novlest Welcome! by The Insane Eraser.
300 points, ended May 19, 18 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Epic Fantasy! Get me inspired! by AthenazeBeauty.
130 points, ended August 25, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - JOIN!!!!!!!! by Unice the geek.
100 points, ended September 30, 29 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
This the Prolouge to a novel I am writing.
Comments
1 - 29 of 29
-
An interesting read. But my only critism is that to start with such an overwhelmingly dark beginning makes the prospect of a victorious outcome pretty much out of reach. Unless your king miraculously survives and triumphs in his battle, there's really not much left to go with. and if he doesn't, which you infer, then there really is no realizstic way to pull off a vicotry. (And ultimately, we need that realism in our fantasy to keep it from being just whimsical.) There are other things, but I enjoyed reading it too much to go deeper. I would like to see/read more though.
-
Very good. Well written, and when I read it, it sounded like an epic fantasy to me. I'd love to read more, but seeing as how this is a contest
I'll just wait 'till after. Good luck!
-
That queen sounds like she has anger issues. I'm not sure I like her.
You seem to have a large scope being covered here; I love epic stories! Already there are several groups, some working together, some alone, and some are actively trying to stomp on others. Yay! I love it.
One thing, with the princes: a couple times, you have them say "dead mother", and without a comma between the words, they're asking if the king is a dead mother, which he's not. It should read "dead, mother". The comma after "dead" helps pause after the sentence, before you add the direct address to the queen: "mother". The sentences don't need "mother" in them to be complete, so when you put "mother" in them, it needs a comma before it. And after, too, if they keep talking to her after they say it. Hope that helps.
-
-
I know you love LOTR. You class is full of it! LOL!
Thanks for the tip and the feedback.
PS: I hate the queen as well.
-
-
Really Good!
I really liked it. I think mostly I wanted to keep reading, even after it finished, as Kesstra already said. Also, I think you write incredibly for ESL.
In my opinion, if there's anything to improve, it's the "development" of the story. Actually, I shouldn't say that. The story is developed well... it's just the elements of the story. Let the characters be themselves more - give them more of their own personality. Develop the setting slightly, and most of all develop the plot, though you were pretty good for that.
Great job on the honorable mentions too
Kevan.
-
-
So you think there are problems with the development. Actually this story is in entirely different form then what w=it was written it has evolved over time and will continue evolving until it's perfect. thanks for the feedback.
-
-
Have you read any of Terry Brooks Shanara series? This has that feel to it, almost
Thanks for entering the contest and good luck
Brooke
-
-
Never heard of it.
-
-
Original and creative, oh yes it was! Imagery was awesome, and the whole setting and everything was nice, too.
I see that you have a list of this, and I will make sure to eventually read what comes next!
Thank you for entering my contest!
~sberendt
-
It was a god proogue, but it needs some polishing. You had problems with grammar and the flow, but other than that it is a very good plot and, with polishing, should make a very nice story.
-
Okay, this was a good enough story, but it really needs a finer polish. There were grammar mistakes, and you tend to miss words in sentences. Also, your wording doesn't flow very well in some places, which really stopped the flow of the story overall.
At times it became really confusing, and I couldn't understand what was going on because so much was happening and there wasn't enough written for me to absorb it all. A few more descriptions and a lot more detail would've made this such a great piece. This has potential, and the first few paragraphs were very well written, but once the dialogue started the story just lost its grip. With more work and detail, this story will be amazing- you have the storyline and everything, you just need to write it out better. -
Nice, I really think this could make a good series. I mean it's got what people look for in a fantasy story - war, vengeance, death - the natural elements that strike intrigue. The storyline itself is good.
As for the writing, you sometimes change tense from past to present watch that. Just one typo I caught:
Para 29
“No we mustn’t.” said the hooded figure that have so far stayed quite, the moment he spoke silence fell, it was clear that he was they leader.
--> they - should be their or the
I think you should work on descriptions a little, it only adds flair to the story, it's what makes us visualize the story better. I also love how you added the Rajas and Khans - brilliant twist to the cliche Lord of Medieval Times!
All in all, good job!
-
SORRY!!!!! :C
they wouln't let me put you up for honorable mention!!!!!
i wanted every one to win..... 
-
Okay, I'm going to be honest here this is a good story but it could use some work. First of someone needs to do some grammer checking, you skip words in some places, and word other parts oddly. I get that your trying to give it a sort of old-world feel but still. Secondly, you lay out everything in paragraph 33 leaving nothing to the imagaination. Thirdly, your people don't seem terably realistic, the whole scene is lacking emotion. And fourthly, your diolog is very strait foreword, not realistic in its wording. The stories good, and it fits the contest fine, it just needs work. Thank you for entering, and good luck.
-
..............
mmmm....i like it ........
-
This is very well written and makes me want more. I will most definately check out the other chapters adn am sure that i will love them just as well.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
-
love and love
-
Agamemnon... I heard that name before somewhere ^^ Great minds thinking alike, or is the name from something else? Yay, it's not a normal evening <3
Admonstia's a good name, too. Personally, I've been having trouble thinking of good names recently A few grammar mistakes, but I'll get over it, lol. Omg, the Queen is horrible! O.o
Hmm, orcs are still pretty mainstream critters, but I expect you're going to blow my mind some other way Hey, that's interesting. Half-people. If the rest of this is set in the present, I expect it is very good. If I get time, I'll be happy to check it out sometime.
Thanks for entering and goodluck in the contest!
Eph -
Wow. The description is really good. I'd suggest proofreading, as there are some missing periods and run-on sentences here and there. Anyways, I hope to read the rest of your novel! Is King Agamemmnon the same as the one in the myth about Troy? Good luck, keep writing, and thanks for entering!
-
^.^ I liked this a lot ^.^ The story was great ^.^ it really is a great plot. One thing though (just cause I'm weird and it's nothing big or worry some just letting you know)at the start of line 33 you're missing quotation marks. Nothing big I just thought I'd let you know, I make those kind of mistakes all the time ^.^ Anyways this was great and I think that this First chapter was amazing! It really sparks the intrest ^.^ Thanks sooo much for entering and Good luck ^.^
~♥ Blackwings
-
Well....very good story and thank you for enter hope that you win
-
Stories about wars between humans and other races are very common and often repetative, but I dont think I have ever read one set in the present. I love these sort of stories and am eagerly waiting for the start of the main story. Brilliant so far!
typing errors
'Thunder clasped and an instant downpour started' should this be 'thunder clashed'
'then we must find new young souls to guide there people each noble soul from they seven kingdom of men, the current one are lost'
comma needed between people and each
'they' should be 'the'
'one' should be 'ones'
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 2.
-
I have to say this was quiet good actually.. it wasnt hard read fantasty..made sense..held my interest and covered all the elements needed.. grammar a little shaky but im not to judge on grammar...
Thank you for entering.
Good luck
~Blair ~
-
I've gotta be hooked to give a story a thousand hard-earned points, and I've just gotta say: I wasn't.
-
Woo, I have a feeling this is the start of a very good novel! Grammar was a bit off here and there, but that didn't spoil the fantastic past-time feeling that it had to it. So, will the humans fall? Aah, I guess I'll just have to wait. I HATE WAITING! Well, good job!
--RT -
A good mixture of plot and story, but watch your words. Think and read about how many times you use a word. In your first sentence you use "Room" Three times in two sentences. Use other words to describe the room.
Characters were good, if a bit theatrical. lol. If you're going to have your characters use proper english you should set a time date so the reader knows "When" the characters are in history. "I am not Hungry" translates to medieval days. So watch that.
Otherwise this was a good tale and very interesting to read.
P.S Words like queen, king and prince are not capatilaized unless they are a direct reference. Such as "Queen Elizabeth walked into the room, just as Prince Derek began play on the old piano."
Good Luck -
This story has great promise, but still needs some work, even if it's just the prologue. Here are some things I picked up that, when corected, will make your story flow.
Firstly, you should revise the dialogue. It seems a bit stilted and not the way people usually speak. Try reading it out to yourself to hear if it sounds real, this will really make your story seem more realistsic.
I also picked up some other errors:
Paragraph 9: you look into someone's eyes, not "in"
Paragraph 11: check commas
Paragraph 12: it is supposed to be"seemed" not "seems". I think you confused the tenses.
Paragraph 16 : "her" supposed to be "his"
Paragraph 17: "you" supposed to be "your"
Paragraph 21: you should put some form of ellipsis between paragraphs 20 and 21 because the reader doesn't know that the scene is changing.
Paragraph 23: I don't think "sigh" should be in inverted commas because the man is not saying it.
Check your commas in paragraph 25 and 29.
Lastly, in your author notes you say that the prologue is about the old ages. The dialogue and names do not fit those of people who lived in those times. If you change this then the story will feel more real. Also, calling the king Agamemnon is risky because Agamemnon was a king in the battle of Troy. When I first read his name I thought that this story was about Troy.
I hope this helps and I am sorry if my comments seem I bit harsh, I don't mean it like that. The story looks promising, I just needs some work.
Good Luck
Send me a message if you ever need more help
-
-
no problem, yo weren't being harsh you were helping. english is my second language, thanks for the advice i'll correct it
-
-
thnx for entering the contest.
this is really great. although the whole thing is in two paragraphs. you need to go back and restructure the whole thing. with having that many words you should have way more than two paragraphs. especially if people are talking in it. what they say is its own paragraph in itself. anyways great story. i really loved reading it. great job and good luck. keep it up.
-LostSoul
Adding your comment:
1 - 29 of 29
