Planet Neil

I don't really have anything to say today, except for the fact that I'm officially cool.1

I can tell you exactly how the world began. 2

For this story we needn't go back 50 billion years. Nor do we have to stretch back to a seven-day period of unmatched productivity. In fact, we don't have to go back any significant amount of time at all. The universe began, or at least the building blocks that would later create the universe, some 1969 years after a carpenter was nailed to a cross. And the material came from the bladder of a Mr. Neil Armstrong. The DNA that Armstrong squirted into space, through his urine, floated around for centuries. Seeing as that it didn't really have a lot else to do, it let itself be affected by the materials it would come in contact with every so often; a piece of star dust here, a neutrino there, and so on. Eventually all other living things died off, and it was the only organic material left in a desolate blank open space. And as the universe started up again as it tends to do, it used this urine as a starting point.3

The universe having only a limited amount of material to work with, always does the same things over and over again. It explodes into being, it hangs out for a while, life starts to grow in it, John Lennon is born, a 10th grade kid gets the shit kicked out of him for daring to speak with an impediment, and eventually when it runs out of things to do, the universe will collapse back on itself. But it always starts with Neil Armstrong's urine.4

You can't even prove this theory wrong either. If you give me the name of any person, any place, ANYTHING, I can relate it to Neil Armstrong in less than five degrees. For example, my friend Andy says, "I need to upgrade." I have no idea in hell what he's referring to, but I'm guessing it's his miniscule penis. Anyways, he followed that meaningless jargon with, "San Jose." I can relate this to Neil Armstrong in two degrees:5

1. San Jose is a town in the US.6

2. Neil Armstrong LIVED in the US.7

See? We'll do the company 'Chicken of the Sea' now, in a few obvious relations:8

1. 'Chicken of the Sea' is actually tuna, and dolphin (people don't know the difference).9

2. Jim Carrey has to save a dolphin in 'Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.'10

3. Jim Carrey played in 'Dumb and Dumber.' In the bar scene, he ad libs and comments about how they had just landed on the moon.11

4. Neil Armstrong knew Jim Carrey's dad, but he also landed on the moon and was in the newspaper Jim Carrey was referring to.12

You can't beat me. I have it made. I can do this with Tony Hawk, the 1988 Dnver Broncos, and even a dance some kids did at a Homecoming party in Alaska in 1998.13

His urine is gone. We can't get it back, you know. NASA destroyed most of it when they found out that Gary Sinise wanted to use it and become a god. It doesn't even matter that Sinise wasn't born then; NASA has shit that can read the future like that. I bet you're thinking to yourself, "Well if they could read the future, why would they destroy this awesomeness?" Well I didn't say they destroyed it ALL, I just said most. They still have some in Area 15 - you'd know it as Area 51, but that's because you're dumb and believe some dyslexic guy. If we could get this stuff, then we could become gods.14

My plan works like this: I break into Area 15 disguised as Adrien Brody (they'd let him in just because he's cool). Then, once I'm in there, I'd take out my guitar and start wailing on it like it was a Jew with Tourette's in a concentration camp. They'd be so totally out-rocked that they would have to commit seppuku. After they all die from ingesting their own feet through their nostrils, which I hear are the side effects of guitar seppuku, I will casually stroll into the refrigerator space, and grab the bottle of his urine. I'll also take a Sharpie and write "FREE LEMONADE" on the bottle of Hitler urine they have, just to be mean. Some time will pass, they'll find out, and Justin Timberlake will be arrested for the murder of Osama Bin Laden. Everybody hates Osama, but Justin Timberlake is a big assdouche and everyone will be pissed since he got to do it. Nobody really will care about Area 15, since everyone thinks it is Area 51, even the guys who work there. This will give me enough time to beat Tales of Symphonia 4 times, and build my secret base on the deserted island of Australia. I'll use his urine to make clones of him; eighty-eight clones, to be exact.15

Then I'll just wing it from there. I pretty much have already figured that I can get Bill Gates to destroy the world. When he does this, I'll unleash all of my hot air balloons. These will lift my secret base up into the atmosphere. Once we're out floating, I figure we can start giving the Neil clones lots of Red Bull. This will give their urine super strength. Instead of having them go out and take a piss, we could just use a super catheter. Don't worry, I know a guy who knows a guy. In a few years, or minutes, a new universe will start to create itself.16

I already have the new universe figured out. Life wouldn't start out as bacteria or any of that shit. Instead, we'd have the different planets for the levels of coolness. The tenth planet, we'll call it Planet Suck, would be full of stupid people. By this, I mean the British (mostly just Hugh Grant), Indians, Native Americans, Saudi Arabians, the Dutch, and Egyptians. There's really no use for Egyptians anywhere, but they can advance to dictators of Planet Suck by process of the honor system. Meaning that they better be doing cool things, like building pyramids, and not worshiping cats.17

The eleventh planet, located in the place where earth would have been, would be full of awesome people; as such, it will be called Planet Neil. It's the least we can do after hooking them to a giant catheter. The Mexicans will work all the time, since that's pretty much all they do. Plus they do it for cheap. All of the Mexicans will look like slight variations of George Lopez. When they don't work, they'll luchadore - that is, they'll masked wrestle. Appollo Creed for the blacks. There'd be no black women, since black women are pretty bitchy. For asians, we can use Jackie Chan and Kwon Boa. Kwon Boa is really hot, so she could respresent most of the women. We'll need French-Canadians, surely. There's nothing better to laugh at then a group of people that are really dumb and ugly. As for the caucasians, or as darkies call us, crackers, we can use Gregory Peck. He's pretty much the personification of all white people, not to mention that his voice is cool.18

For entertainment on Planet Neil (Planet Suck has no entertainment, just ritual Hugh Grant beatings), we would air lesbian porn. Late at night, we could air episodes of Family Guy and Ghostwriter, since both shows are severely awesome. In the day, strictly Gumby. Gumby pretty much rocks, no matter your opinion. There will be no wars on Neil, only dance offs. A posing warm-up session, followed by some freestyle savagery. No penalties for the loser, just to bear the fact that they lost. That hurts the most.19

No food will be made on Neil, except if you call the lovemaking between man and woman the manufacture of goods. That's right, the only thing to eat on Neil will be other people. And fruits. Fruits in the form of French-Cannies, if you dig me. This way everyone will be on their toes, 24/7. Cannibalism will not be legal, just necessary, and yet also immoral. True, we would abolish all cops, but tattletales are still allowed. All of the methodists would then kill themselves for unknown reasons, but then again, who can tell with those meths?20

Basically, people who come to Neil will be confused as all shit. Up is down on Neil. We abolish gravity, and everyone found under its influence will be sent to mandatory counseling and mexican shootings. Giving advice will be punishable by death; in fact, all logical thought will result in tom-foolery, a crime punishable by gonad electrocution. If you have no testicles, they will be grown on you and then electrocuted. This plan was invented to cover up the cracks in the system, namely with women and all French-Canadians. Reporting a crime will be considered grand high snitchery, but not doing so will be classified as high treason, both of which are punishable by death; the latter form, high treason, will result in being buried alive with French Canadians, the worst possible method of torture available.21

There will be a massive planetary religion called Mormonism. It makes very little sense, but I can't improve on it.22

All rules will be subject to change without me telling anyone. Plus this applies retroactively. I've taken a rather warm affination to the "Pee Wee Herman" method of choosing a random secret word and screaming when it is said.23

Nobody will be safe on Neil, except for me because I can make and change the rules as I see fit. I could easily make it a rule that the only people to be eaten are asians, and it would pass. If I got sick of Appollo Creed, I could make it illegal to be black, and they'd all have to die. In this way I would be awesome.24

And yeah. I'm out. Thanks to my friend Dan for helping me come up with this. He was pretty stoned when we talked about it, so I doubt he'd remember anyways. I don't mean to be offensive with this, either. It's just how it will be. Sorry to all people who are offended by it, but these are my feelings.25

Current Mood: Unverifiably Thebian26