Partly covered by a dark brown colored canvas bag, was the item I had been searching for. The amber colored vial was fragile and slight. It wasn't too hard to see why I had missed it.1
I took a deep breath of relief and stood. I traveled the length of a mile, periodically dropping small amounts of the deep orange liquid. Behind me slivers of new green erupted from the dry ground.2
I glanced back with a contented smile on my face, to see five multi-colored butterfly bushes rapidly forming.3
The further I went the more vegetation grew. Flowers and shrubs crowded around the bases of the trees. A meadow of tall wild grasses, dotted with multi-colored wildflowers took over the barren ground on the opposite side of the river.4
The smell of damp ground and greenery drifted on a slight breeze. I looked up and saw that the clouds had almost reached the area where I stood. My linen dress flapped around my legs as I walked through the newly developed forest. 5
I snaked my way through the undergrowth, running my fingers over the young growth, sending new smells of evergreens and sticky sap. I could see the opening of the cave just ahead. I hadn't realized that I had traveled so far but the trail was becoming increasingly difficult to navigate. 6
A small line of sweat dripped down my spine, as I climbed back to the cave. Slightly out of breath I studied the scene before me.7
Varying shades of green cascaded away from where I was standing. Deep forest green, almost black, to the soft green of lime rose to the aquamarine sky. The deep rich blue of the river was splattered with the white of foam that developed when it ran swiftly over rocks. A rainbow of colors freckled the carpet of green.8
“Looking good," I said overly loud, listening to my voice echo off the mountains behind me. "Couple of items left."9
My satchel was feeling lighter as I adjusted the strap to a more comfortable position. This time I searched my bag slowly and not by memory. The envelope I needed was tucked in the inner pocket. Carefully I broke the wax seal. Shaking the contents of the envelope into my palm, I thought about how I had acquired it.10
* * *11
A small iridescent scale glittered on the Mastercreator's worktable. It had caught my eye as soon as I had entered the room. Mastercreator Ruben had me studying the differences in shades of gray when the summons to attend him had come. The shimmering colors had been a welcome relief to my eyes.12
"You wanted to see me Master?" I asked as soon as I walked into the overstuffed room. Across every surface a piece of vegetation lay a vial here and there. Papers and clothes were strewn wherever there was an open space.13
"Yes, Sabrina I have asked you here to discuss a matter that has come to my attention recently." He cleared his throat and I watched with fascination as his Adams apple bobbed. Master Ruben ran his bony fingers through his tangled gray beard. 14
I rocked back on my heels in apprehension as I quickly scrolled through the list of trouble I had caused in the past fortnight. I wasn't worried about the kitchen incident last restday and the rocks in Tye's bed weren't even discovered yet. So I just waited.15
The cluttered room grew warm as I waited patiently. Beads of sweat formed on my upper lip as I stood on tired legs. My exhausted eyes returned to the bench that held the shimmery scale. I was very intrigued. What type of creature could possibly hold that many colors in one small flake? Was it reptilian or some sort of water dweller?16
Mastercreator Ruben cleared his throat before I could go on with my query with myself. He ran his spindly fingers over a page in a shabby book. Not finding what he was searching for the Master flipped a couple of pages back to a dog-eared page full of scratches, marring the surface. 17
"Yes, here it is." Again he cleared his throat, as I shifted from one numb foot to the other. "Deter Seven, hmmm yes." He continued to scan the page.18
Relief flooded through my slender shoulders, as I realized we had already been through this disastrous planet before. When Mastercreator had said the name, my bare feet had come unglued from the shaggy rug and I started to walk around. I shifted through various piles of leaves and branches all the while slowly inching towards the enticing scale.19
"Sabrina," Master Ruben barked and I jumped guiltily. "It says here that you and um." He paused to check the book again and I walked a couple of paces closer. "You and Kyle were supposed to go back and survey the progress of Deter Seven. Is that right?"20
I clasped my hands together on the pitted work desk to hide their trembling. "Yes Master Ruben, but.”21
"Isn't it then that the two of you got into an argument?" He interrupted forcefully.22
"Yes, but!” I tried again.23
"And because of this argument a dormant volcano became active?" His eyes stared and me, unyielding. He wasn’t always absent minded.24
"Yes," I stated softly. What else could I do? The first argument hadn't turned out very well. That was the reason I was studying shades of gray.25
"Then what happened?" He went back to the book with a quill in hand.26
I bit my bottom lip as I tried to form the words to make this conversation better than the last one. "When Kyle and I finally noticed that the temperature had changed, the volcano was just sending out smoke." I chuckled here as I remembered Kyle mentioning that it looked an old Earth western show when the Native Americans would send up smoke signals, that earned me a sharp look from the Master. "Kyle and I went to the rim to pour the aloe vera ointment you had just given us."27
"Stop right there," he interrupted as he held up a hand.28
He kept the hand up as he mouthed the words under his breath. I took the opportunity to take the last couple of steps and slide the flake into my pocket.29
"Humph, seems we've already gone over this." He looked up abruptly. "What is your punishment?"30
"Three days of studying gray." My palms were sweating.31
"Very good. You are dismissed." He waved a hand towards the door while rambling to the table he had been at before I came in. 32
Author notes
This part is now done. I hope to have more Chapters or parts soon. We'll just see what the little ones have to say about that.
Edited 3-11-08
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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This was a good second chapter.
I loved how her and Kyle set a volcano off. That was hilarious. xD But studying gray...honestly I feel bored just thinking about that. haha. What a punishment. I probabaly would have taken that scale as well. Shiny pretty things are awesome! Anyways really good chapter. I enjoyed it. keep it up!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Having those talents is sure to bring a lot of responsibility - especially if by arguing with another with the same talents, you cause something like a volcanic eruption.
'Three days of studying grey' sounds like a bit of a chore - and obviously suitable punishment for effecting the environment of a planet by her careless actions. I am intrigued by what the flake of iridescience represents - especially since everything else in her satchel has turned out to be merely the 'seeds' of things like vegetation. As with the first chapter, this was rather engaging and interesting.
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Three days of studying gray even sounds boring to me.
I like the continuation of this piece, and how the descriptions are still so wonderful. Mastercreator Ruben is such a bore, making her study gray...but his name and title are soooo cool. I like the part when Sabrina is trying to explain to him, but he keeps going. So much like a parent, really...and that's what he seems like.
Now the question is: What's Sabrina going to do with that flake?
Great part. I enjoyed it tremendously. The only suggestion I would make would be with commas. Other than that, this is simply divine!
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How does it feel to have that much power?
Maybe that's what's so much fun about writing. There is no end to the things you can do when you control the pen, or in this case, the computer.
I love this story and had to skip back to read this part before I go on to the next one.
Loving it.
Trish -
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Thanks Tricia. I'm glad you are liking it and the only power I have is in these pages
Again thanks
Brooke
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Can you do the illustrations? I’ve heard they can help sell Children’s Books.
Morning Brooke, I’m glad to see this story is developing beautifully
. The plot moves along at a good clip, the characters are colorful and fun to be with.
I can ‘See’ your characters in your writing; and hear their voices. Can you do the illustrations? I’ve heard they can help sell Children’s Books.
Just a few nasties (
) crept in don't they always 
:
I hadn't realized that I had traveled (so or this) far but the trail was becoming increasingly difficult to navigate. 6
Shaking the contents of the envelope into the (my) palm, I thought about how I had accquired (acquired) it.10
Across every surface a piece of vegetation (or a vial lay here and there.) lay or a vial here and there.
He cleared his throat and I watched with fasination (fascination) as his Adams apple bobbed.
Mastercreator Ruben (later you use Mastercreator as two words.)
17
"You and Kyle were suppose (supposed) to go back and survey the progress of Deter Seven.
Geri
beginning: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks geri for still reading this and picking out those pesky errors
Brooke
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This was easy to understand even though i didn't read the first part. It was very interesting but for some reason it feels like i read it before. I might have just forgot to comment. I really like the discription, you did a really great job of carrying that out. Great job, can't wait for the rest.
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Interesting tale. I can't wait to read more... what trouble will she get into when he finds the scale missing I wonder?
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Very interesting...
This was quite a lovely tale to read. I'm afraid I did not read the first part of the story, but it did not hinder my ability to understand the story. I could tell you worked hard on this piece by the exuberant amount of detail. I could clearly picture everything that you described in my minds eye. The characters seemed unique to me, and very lively. Keep up the great work. I will have to drop by and read the beginning soon. -
I've read this once before, but I enjoyed revisiting it nonetheless.
Will you be posting more of this in the SAR list in the future? I know I didn't finish reading the whole story...
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I just finished part number 9, so I'm hoping to get on the next part today We'll see if the munchins will let me
Thanks for reading again.
Brooke
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This is good.
I like the way you develop the characters through their actions and dialogue.
It looks as if Sabrina is a bit of a 'tea-leaf' as we say over here.
The story is shaping up well and I hope you manage to find time to continue; this could turn into a cracking story with plenty of fun and action (as well as mischief).
The subtle dollops of humour are great (as in para 15). I can imagine Sabrina getting up to more mischief especially as the Mastercreator seems to be absent-minded.
Her's a few things I noticed whilst reading this wonderful little tale:
p1 - bark - dark
p4 - move - more
p8 - the spot I was standing at - this looks and reads awkwardly in comparison with the rest of the writing so I would suggest something like - where I was standing
p16 - colons - colors
p18 - Relief flooded through my slender - what's a slender - slender body? slender frame?
p24 - dormant volcano - a dormant volcano
p27 - snow - show
p30 - were - we've
p32 - hand at towards - hand towards
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I love that 'tea-leaf'. What an interesting term
Thanksf or reading and I will get more done. I am excited again about this story.
I will get right on those errors. Thanks
Brooke -
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Rhyming slang
Tea-leaf = Thief
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Small stuff:
p19. Relief flooded through my slender, as I realized... - slender 'body', ..?
p24. ...because of this argument 'a' dormant volcano...
p30. were - we've ?
So she's a student at a world creating academy. How intriguing.
I like the flashback. You did a nice job of developing Sabrina and Master Rubin's characters through their movements and dialogue. Good descriptions of his office to get a feel of the room too.
I love that her punishment was studying shades of grey. lol
And she's a little thief as well! I wonder what the scale will do when she uses it. I like the part about her and Kyle's argument too.
What a novel idea! A world creating school.
I'm really liking this story and can't wait to see where your taking it. This chapter was rather amusing.
Greg
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Thanks Greg for reading this and the first part.
I had a great time writing most of this and I know I just have to knuckle down and get past the difficult part. I am really hoping to have more done before you guys get to the end
I will fix those errors now.
Thanks again
Brooke
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Lots of readers!
...and thas a good thing...delightful story thus far with a smidgen of humor sifted in, a little conflict, ah, yes, a little volcano and a little come-uppense for a feisty novice creator....most interesting imagination!
Amicus...
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I don't do humor well, so I'm starting little. I'm very sarcastic in real life but can't seem to get it to sound as good on paper.
But I'm glad you found some of it funny. Give me confidence
Thanks
Brooke
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So is this like creator school? I am very much intrigued...can I take classes there? *laughs* I like the character of the Mastercreator - how he seems bumbling and absent-minded but at the same time intense. Also, I love the plants again...but I admit to being biased on that point. Your sense of color in the creation scene is very good!
Here are a couple of small things I noticed while reading - not an exhaustive list, but possibly you will find it useful if you edit. Otherwise, ignore it...*laughs*
* Para 8: "the white foam the developed" - do you mean "that developed"?
* Para 10: "about how I had required it." Required or accquired? And in a previous sentence you said there was more than one envelope...
* Para 13: "A crossed every surface" - do you mean "across every surface"? A crossed doesn't make much sense to me... Also, I don't think that "laid" is the correct form of lay/lie/laid...but maybe I'm oblivious... Wouldn't be the first time...
* Para 22: "isn't then that the two of you" "isn't it then" or something similar, maybe?
* Para 24: "because of this argument inactive volcano" - an inactive volcano?
* Para 27: "went to the rim of the to pour" - I think you could either scratch "of the" or add the word volcano. Yes?
* While I really like the last line, and while it adds an awful lot to this story in terms of direction etc, if it's something she didn't see, how can it show up in her memory? *laughs* This is a flashback, right? And narrated in the first person? So I guess you have to limit it to her knowledge, and not omniscient knowledge.
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Thank you for finding all those. I have fixed them.
Again I'm glad you are enjoying them.
Thanks
Brooke
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This was fantastic! I did notice you seemed to have left a few meaningless words here and there but you'll catch that when editing...
Also, in dialogue, when you interrupt someone, use an emdash or a double-dash (--) instead of punctuation.
I'm always so impressed by your inventiveness. Your characters are well-developed and yet you always leave me wanting more. I loved it from the first paragraph. I don't know if this is going to be a novel or just a longer short story, but Realms of Fantasy magazine would be a good place to send it when it's done--if it's a short story less than 10,000 words!
Excellent work so far!
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Thanks for the tip. I never knew what to do about interruptions
I always have extra words running around my stories. I'm trying to catch them, but they always slip out of my hands.
Will go back through.
Thanks again
Brooke
Hmmm...Realms of Fantasy, sounds very interesting.
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I loved this chapter just as much as the first. The descriptions that you use are so incredible! Absolutely breathtaking. I love the background scenery that you paint in this. This is so well written and I will be returning back to continue on with more. Brilliant work Syren
~Joann
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OH thanks so much
Brooke
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I think you may have me hooked. Your description was not as deep as the last part but it flowed better and raised more questions. I really love the idea that our Creator(s) are not omnipotent. A couple of points stand out
- Paragraph 10: Should 'required' be 'acquired?'?
- It might just be your style, but when your main character was experiencing their dialogue being cut off, I was momentarily confused. Perhaps "but-" or "but..." would be better? "But." conveys the idea that they have finished their sentence, where in reality they have not been given the chance.
Other than that, brilliant. I look forward to the next chapters.
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Hmmm..I'll have to check that out, about the dialog. I will get to the fixings today. Again thanks for reading both of them.
Oh and I like the thought of many not just one. I've never been a just 'ONE' being that does everything.
Brooke
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I will be honest Syren, this isn't my type of story. Although I found that even though this type isn't for me the writing iself is outstanding, well written and full of details and made me read on.
Great job.
Sarah.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thanks Sarah. I am glad that you could read on, even though it isn't what you like.
How's the writing course going?
Brooke
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So...she's not Mother Nature after all--so much for my plans for apple trees in the front yard...
Still a great story, and the background adds to the dimensions of it immensely. I like the fact that the argument caused a volcanic eruption, that was inventive and--shall I say it?--cute.
Now then, I hope that your tykes will be agreeable and let you post more soon... *laughs*
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Cute!!
Cute? Now you've gone and done it. I'm going to have to do something uncute Oh Scott, I think I suck at this writing thing if you think it was cute. I can't do anything that isn't cute. 
Wait a minutes I wrote 'the shovel' didn't I? And one that had to do with a killer girlfriend. Ok so maybe I just have to look at this in a whole new light. Hmmmm....*is thinking*
Thanks though for the praise.
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The writing is clear, the activities taking place are easy to ‘See’ and the dialogue flows smoothly.
‘morning Brooke,
I really enjoyed both sections. I’m certain that if I go back and read the opening it will clear up my present confusion. I do hope it is still posted?
The writing is clear, the activities taking place are easy to ‘See’ and the dialogue flows smoothly. You have some great descriptions that breath life onto the pages.
While the first part was lovely to travel through as our Heroine replanted the land, the second was lively and humorous and gave a feeling of reality.
Thumbs up,
Geri
You might care to take a gander at a few things;
The further I went the move (more) vegetation grew.
I hadn't realized that I had traveled (this or so ) far but the trail was becoming increasingly difficult to navigate. 6
The deep rich blue of the river was splattered with the white of foam the (that) developed when it ran swiftly over rocks.
Shaking the contents of the envelope into the (my) palm, I thought about how I had required (acquired) it.10
A crossed (Across) every surface a piece of vegetation laid (lay) or (with) a vial here and there.
He cleared his throat and I watched with fasination (fascination) as his Adams apple bobbed.
My exhausted eyes returned to the bench that held the shimmery (shimmering) scale.
What type of creature could possibly hold that many colons (colors) in one small flake?
"You and Kyle were suppose (supposed) to go back
beginning: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Good morning Geri,
Thank you so much for pointing those errors out. My husband got me that FlyPen for Christmas and it doesn't always get my writing. I will go back and correct those pesky little bugs.
Again thank you.
Brooke
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This is difficult to criticize because I'm enjoying so much what is taking place. You have truly found some magic.
Jim
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You're very sweet. I was hoping to have more up today, but the little ppl of my household would only let me write one sentence. And it was an awful sentence at that. By the time they were in bed I was so exhausted that I sat down, picked up my pen and dropped off into lullaby land. Only to be woken up by whiskers sticking me in the nose. Needless to say the cat was pushed to the floor and I staggered off to my bed where I froze (25 degrees this morning UGH!)
But thank you and I hope I have more today.
Brooke
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