Mischa struggled slowly through the ashen field, small dark clouds rising behind every footstep. The air around her was thin and lifeless, just hovering around her with no wind to warm her pale, worn face. Stopping for a moment to catch her breath and inspect her wounds, she winced as she lifted the collar of her shirt away from her body. A deep gash wound its way across her shoulder, the blood hardening. She gently sat down and inspected her hand, leaning against a huge granite boulder. The burn on her palm was starting to blister, but at least she was alive. 1
She sighed and slumped forward, exhausted. The field she was in was beginning to form rocky ground and ,from what she could see through the smoky haze, she only had another mile or so before she reached Crovocky Mountain. There, a small community of people had built an underground tunnel system, protection from the sky.2
In the distance, a scream penetrated the fog, jolting her awake. She sat up at once, still as the rocks around her ,listening hard.3
“Babies...” she muttered to herself quietly, carefully lifting herself of the ground. 4
Mischa ran softly in the direction of the mountain, the screams getting louder around her. She couldn’t tell which direction they were coming in and hoped they weren’t hunting. She saw a flock of sheep far to her right, walking hurriedly behind their leader who looked alert and afraid. Seeing an opportunity, she ran and hid in the middle of the creatures ,nudging the soft, warm bodies aside and pulling a rifle from her shoulder. She moved with the animals silently, assessing their surroundings and watching the haze above her.5
Suddenly the sheep stopped. 6
She cocked her weapon.7
The atmosphere was silent, all but for the small frightened moans of the heard. Mischa side stepped into the middle of the sheep, crouching low. A few seconds passed in agony, while the sheep moved closer together. Suddenly, above her a shadow swept through the haze and glided over the herd of animals, disappearing into the fog once more.8
“Oh crap,” said Mischa, sweat beads appearing on her forehead, “They’re setting us up.”9
The head of the heard was rigid with fear, pawing the ground nervously. Mishca ran up to it and started to pull it along painfully by its ear. It followed angrily, with the sheep behind it moving slowly. 10
“Got to keep going guys,” she said encouragingly, “don’t stop.”11
Suddenly, behind them a loud screech irrupted and a shadow swooped close to the heard, disappearing into fog. Mischa stopped, allowing the sheep to pass her and took aim with the rifle. 12
She put one bullet into the haze, the gunshot echoing around the rocks. A roar sounded directly behind her, she turned on the spot, pumping shots into the beast.13
The dragon fell painfully to the ground, its juvenile wings flapping dangerously close to Mischa’s body. She turned and ran back to the sheep, who were still moving nervously through the white fog. 14
“Come on, move quickly!” she begged the leader, slapping it with the back of her gun. The animal moved faster, eyes wide and alert. Mischa reached into her pants pocket and pulled out a flare. 15
Another roar sounded above her.16
Lighting it, Mischa ran through the fog, away from the herd and threw it. A pink stream of light lit up the haze and marked the flares path through the air. Mischa turned on her heel and ran full pelt back to the sheep, reloading her weapon as she went. From the corner of her eye, she could see two dragons descending on the pink smoke curiously.17
“Go Go Go!” She yelled at the leader as she reached them, beating her gun on its backside. It moaned at her and ran forwards, the sheep behind it following. The rocks around them were getting bigger, and the air, colder. Mischa looked up and saw vaguely the mountains shape through the foggy air. 18
Suddenly, behind them one of the dragons roared and a mushroom cloud of fire took off into the air. 19
“Cranky little beasts they are.” whispered Mischa to the sheep bringing her weapon up again, to aim. She fired three shots at the second dragon, staying close to the leader of the sheep. The beast roared in pain, and took off into the haze above them. Mischa stopped for a second looking around her carefully. She listened hard and heard the rough beating of wings coming from the right. She shot blindly towards it, hearing her bullet hit a rock. The dragon roared once more and swooped the herd, doing a round circle in the haze. 20
“Oh No.” she said, running for the sheep and taking her eyes from the dragon. Dropping her rifle she kicked the leader into a run and dived for cover behind a boulder as a huge fireball came rushing towards her. Seconds later, screams erupted into the atmosphere as a chorus of gunshots rang through Mischa’s ears and the dragon fell from the sky. 21
Mischa stood up painfully, rubbing a graze on her elbow. The gash on her shoulder was stinging wildly and the blisters on her palm had burst, but at least she was alive. She spotted a group of people holding rifles as they moved towards her. They sat her on the ground, bringing out an aid kit.22
“We saw your flare, and came,” said a man, grinning, “what’s your name?”23
“My name?” said Mischa faintly, “Uh, Mischa. Wait, did you find some sheep?” 24
“Yeah, a whole herd. I must say, they were quite spooked, but they’re safe.”25
Author notes
Its Mischa and the sheep ;D
A contest entry
- Russian Roulette: Spin That Wheel! by Miss Hanako Cullen.
345 points, ended February 9, 2008, 3 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This really seemed untealistic to me. Here you have dragons who can spew massive fire balls yet they are not aiming them at the person shooting at them? Certainly they would hear the firing and see the flashes. As airborne predators their senses would be far greater than a human's. And why hadn't the dragons gotten the sheep earlier? And why didn't they just flame the sheep and eat them roasted where they lay. Not that the writing isn't bad, but nothing about this story seems to make sense. Just implausible, gratuitous dragon slaying, with guns, no less.
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lol, thanks for the comment, critique is always appreciated
i suppose as the dragons were only babies, they were only being a nusience... i didnt mean for them to be epic powerful creatures like usual lol. but i can see where you are coming from ;D
thanks for your opinion
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WoW! You sure know how to tell a story. Everythings so vivid and exiting. Full of energy and it never stops.. I could devour a hold book of that. You create a great character tho you don't give very much discription I found myself not wanting any.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 3.
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This had a good storyline, though I found it a bit undetailed. I myself am a HUGE detail person, I like to let people know what things look like, smell like, taste like and such. You did an excellent job with this option, but a little more detail would make it ALL the better. : )
Good Luck!
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P2/P5: Comma errors. You just added an extra space before each comma, but I noticed it nonetheless and that distracted me from the story.
P7: Describe the weapon.
P14: Describe the creature.
P17: "it" being what? What did she light. Make sure readers can make the connection to the flare.
P19: "mushroom cloud of fire [et al]" This part of the sentence seems awkward. Which direction did the fire move, how big was it, what color, how bright, etc.
P20: "..they are," whispered..." Comma at the end of dialogue if you follow it with a lowercase word. "...up again to aim." Elminate this comma.
"Round circle"? as opposed to a square one?
P21: "..no," she said. Lowercase no, add the comma.
"...gunshots rang though..." sounds like they went literally though Mischa's ears. Perhaps rephrasing this would be better.
P22: "...a man said, appearing from the haze, a grin on his face. "What's..." " A few more details about the man's arrival and structuring the sentence differently.
Overall this is a very nice story, and very well written. I liked it, though I find dragons more majestic and less evil, but to each they're own. It's reminiscent of Ring of Fire. But that's just me. Excellent job!
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Fantastic
I like the build up in this story. The part where mischa hears the young dragons was great, i could tell it was about dragons without you even saying it(and pretending no to notice your pic).
I could really feel the intensity Mischa was going through. I knew right away from the Mischa reacted to the sounds and from the way she readied her rifle that this is a world ruled by dragons. A great read I hope you'll post another chapter soon, you got my attention right from the start!!!
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It moved along quickly, was clear and interesting.
A very good and active scene. It moved along quickly, was clear and interesting.
I didn’t recognize the story so I just commented on this small bit.
I gather some nasty dragons are chasing Mischa and a herd of sheep. Mischa who has already sustained injuries, at first tries to hide among the sheep. I’m not certain if they are her sheep or not but that’s not important here. The poor creatures are terrified of the dragons and Mischa aids them by shooting at the beasts that are attaching; and attempts to help the sheep escape becoming the dragons’ lunch.
Just when she about to lose the battle, a group of other humans come to the rescue.
Some sentences you might look at:
The air around her was thin and lifeless, just hovering around her with no wind to warm her pale, worn face. ( Around echoes and the first isn’t needed. The air was thin and lifeless, just hovering around her with no wind to warm her pale, worn face.)
“Babies...” she muttered to herself quietly, carefully lifting herself of (off) the ground. 4
She moved with the animals (,) silently,( remove coma) assessing their surroundings and watching the haze above her. (silently assessing)5
The atmosphere was silent, all but for the small frightened moans of the (herd) heard.
The head of the (herd) heard was rigid with fear, pawing the ground nervously.
Suddenly, behind them a loud screech irrupted and a shadow swooped close to the (herd) heard, disappearing into fog.
A pink stream of light lit up the haze and marked the flares (flare’s) path through the air.
“Cranky little beasts they are. (,)” whispered Mischa
The dragon roared once more and swooped (down on)the herd, doing a round circle in the haze. 20
“We saw your flare, and came,” said a man, grinning, (.) “ (What’s) what’s your name?”23
Like to read more of this story.
Geri
beginning: 4, ending: 4, characters: 4.
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Always use verbs when you can in place of adverbs.
"Mischa struggled slowly through the ashen field, small dark clouds rising behind every footstep"
** instead of struggled slowly... use a verb. like staggered or limped. Also, I think it would be each foot step. Sounds better to me.
A deep gash wound its way across her shoulder, the blood hardening.
"The air around her was thin and lifeless, just hovering around her with no wind to warm her pale, worn face"
*You are being redundant with the "around her" my revised sentence would be.. The air hovering around her was thin and lifeless. Not a hint of breeze offered a caring touch for her pale, worn face.
**to me... this doesn't make sense. why would you say comma, the blood hardening. Combine it into one sentence or if you need to make it into two.
"She gently sat down"
Again, use verbs. Example.. you don't say "i forcefully shut the door." you say, "I slammed the door."
find another way to say gently sat down.
"She gently sat down and inspected her hand, leaning against a huge granite boulder."
*I think you have two many actions crammed into one sentence.
The field she was in was beginning to form rocky ground
** i think you need a different word than form.
Your getting a bit carried away with the commas.
*off of the ground
Make sure you proof read before you submit a story.
Again... ran softly is weak wording. use a verb.
OMG! i love the sheep scene. I can feel/see it.
She moved with the animals silently, assessing their surroundings and watching the haze above her.
cept.. i think its her surroundings.
<-- great paragraph.
erupted* spell check -_-
"Suddenly, behind them a loud screech irrupted and a shadow swooped close to the heard, disappearing into fog." and disappeared into the fog would be better.
Wow... when the pace of the story picks up with the thrown flare... you did a really good job in the writing.
Don't see why the man would be grinning...
OVerall.. I thought u did your best writing in the last scenes and the paragraph about how she crouches among the sheep.
Only thing i have to say is this
1. use verbs not adverbs coupled with verbs
2. make sparser use of the comma.
3. try to spell check before you send it for editing. -
Thought you did a good job on the description. I would only suggestion you try to stick some smell in there. There is plenty opportunity to do it.
Good luck in the contest.
Brooke
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Results: Jan, 18th 2008
You have one week to write a DRAFT or finished story. You will have until the END of the contest to make ANY changes.
Here are your results!
Your Word- Stone
Your Number- 34
YOUR category- 3. Dragon Age- Write A Fantasy Story about or including a dragon(s)
Your word count is- 900
(story OR poem must be at least 900 words, no more than 2,000 all together)
As a rule I am giving each entrant a 200 word grace period. Meaning if your story is 200 words above your original word count, you will NOT be counted down in points. : )
You have one week!
Here Are The Tokens: ( This ( $$ ) will appear on the tokens you have already used. : )
1. Pass It On- Send your Results down to the next person and CHOOSE another category.
2. The Numbers Are Bad!- Use this to lower your word count by
15,25,35,45 or 50 words. ( $$ )
3. Secure: Up Another entrants word count- Roll The dice and watch them cry. The final number dictates their added word count! ( $$ ) Used on- fantasyfreak14
4. Life Jacket- Save yourself from a pinch. On the verge of DQ? Use this token to save yourself!
5. Kick Em' To The Curb- Get a Trivia Question right and you get to vote someone off the game! An IMMEDIATE DQ!! Better choose wisely though..
These Tokens may only be used ONCE! And you MUST notify the JUDGE when you want to use them. SEND a Message containing the NAME of your story, and which Token you used. If you DO NOT you will be DQ'd.
Contact mwah if you would like to use one. : )
Good Luck!
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