Perfect Paradigm [part 2](edited)

I came to, laid out on the blood stained concrete, dizzy and seeing stars. Still not fully understanding what happened I screamed at the sight of blood on my hands. I screamed like a banshee and tried to get up as if I got up and ran away the blood would stay there and I’d just be fine.1

Morris held me down, trying to keep me from moving too much. I had split my lid. And that was the beginning of the worst series of events in my life.2

Morris carried me, towel covering my bleeding skull, into the hospital. Corey who had been stopped four times since the parking lot for autographs, played caboose and Buddy B walked only a few steps behind us with the camera still in my face. 3

The camera followed me the entire time. Corey and Buddy B wanted to catch every millisecond of the ordeal on tape. Buddy closed in on the sight of me getting stitches I was a little loopy from the painkillers and was making jokes with Corey. I don’t remember half of what I said, but I remember the doctor coming in.4

“Can you excuse us, I have to talk to Lana?” she asked Corey and Buddy.5

Corey looked at me pointed at my head, “Can’t we stay? Finish shooting this.”6

“Yea, doc’, they can stay. Its cool.” I said laughing.7

“Well, we have the results of your test. All of your brain activity is good, but your blood test are just a little inconsistent.”8

“Am I okay?”9

“Just a few questions. When was your last period?” the doctor asked.10

I thought as hard as I could, but the truth was I probably wouldn’t have been able to answer without a doubt even if I hadn’t just fallen on my head. I didn’t keep up with that shit. “I don’t know.”11

“Is there any chance at all that you may be pregnant?”12

My eyes shot wide open, “No.”13

Corey and Buddy B stopped the camera and left like that was their cue.14

She kept asking me questions, telling me to think as hard as I could and try to remember. I couldn’t, but I was sure that I wasn’t…I was sure that I wasn’t…well, I wasn’t what she was saying that I was. That was sure to me.15

“Doctor, I promise I’m not. I’m on the pill. I wrap it up. You know all that good stuff.”16

Then it hit me. Technically, I wasn’t at that very second in time on the pill and hadn’t been for maybe a month or two. I had definitely been on them, had taken my birth control pill like it was part of my religion, but then there were no more to take. And I had been so busy…a trip to Planned Parenthood was never on my to-do list. I just kept forgetting to pencil it onto my schedule until it was just a little too late. But…I was safe. Always safe. Very safe, in fact. 17

She could see the little speck of doubt that had manifested in my eyes after thoroughly thinking about it all. “Maybe, you could just take a test?” she suggested.18

So, just to be sure…I agreed to take a pregnancy test, but on one condition, only if it was the very simple and very traditional piss on a stick test, nothing fancy like an ultrasound or anything else. 19

I drank a bottle of water than went to work. After a quick piss in the bathroom, the doctor came in to wait for the results with me. During that minute we made the most awful small talk. It started with the usual “how’s school”…it sucks… “how long have you been skating”…skated out the womb.20

Then we had this really long (well not that long) awkward conversation about my boyfriend…ex-boyfriend, Kamari.21

“So do you have a boyfriend?” she asked.22

“Yea. Well we’re on and off. Off right now. Probably going to be for a while. There’s someone else.”23

“Sucks…” she said looking down at her watch.24

Yea it did suck. I loved Kamari, unconditionally. I was in love with him. He loved me, but was not in love with me. I was second place and always had been. There was someone else, Eric, his best friend since the beginning of time.25

Eric wasn’t just one of those cockblocking friends. And Kamari wasn’t in just one of those situations where he had to choose either his girl or his friend. Eric…he loved Eric. Like a brother. Like a friend. Like a lover.26

He’d told me when we were dating and then we broke up. That started our on again off again thing. He’d be with me then turn around and be with Eric and he really wouldn’t choose which one he really wanted to be with. I don’t think he knew if he wanted to be with me or with Eric or to just fuck every other person he saw. He didn’t know and because I loved him, so very much I kept letting him flip flop.27

But right after the last time Kamari and I had sex he told me he was about to take the next step and get serious with Eric. They were months from graduation and he wanted to move in with him and have a committed relationship and if that meant he be in a gay relationship he didn’t care. I knew that I couldn’t be with him and that’s why it was so overwhelming looking down at the plastic pregnancy test.28

Anxious from anticipation, I wished that Kamari would’ve told me that before we fucked because I maybe wouldn’t have done it if I would’ve known how much he cared about his boy. And to make it worse the test was positive. Fuck. 29


It echoed in my head. Positive. Positive. Positive. Positive. Positive.30

The doctor’s voice, “Lana you’re pregnant.”31

Lana…Lana you’re pregnant…pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. The test is positive. The pain killers and crack in my skull made it even worse. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. Pregnant. 32

I zoned out for the half hour or so it took my Mickey and Pumpkin to get to the hospital. They barraged me with hugs and kisses and “Are you okay?”33

I muttered, “Yea. Just tired.”34

I wasn’t okay. Sure the gash in my head was pretty big and the couple dozen stitches in my head could scare anyone, but I was not okay because inside my belly a little baby slowly grew. And I didn’t know what to do.35

Going home from the hospital, I couldn’t sleep that night. I literally couldn’t sleep; doctor’s orders because of the fear that if I fell asleep I’d get a concussion and my brain would swell overnight. But I wouldn’t have been able to sleep otherwise with so much on my mind.36

“I’m not going to fall asleep,” I told Mickey as she yawned. It was nearing midnight and I just wanted some time alone to think, but Mickey and Pumpkin both sat with me in the living room.37

Mickey told me, “We have to make sure you don’t.”38

It didn’t really work. They were asleep by one, leaving me all alone. I went outside in the backyard where I kept all my skateboards. I sat down in one that lay in the grass and looked up at the stars.39

I was pregnant. I could not run away from this. I couldn’t. I kind of wanted to, but I couldn’t. I felt frustrated because of all the circumstances, mostly with the circumstances of my relationship with Kamari.40

Regret pierced through my heart and I cried. It was not how I pictured bringing a child into the world, seventeen years old with my bisexual ex-boyfriend. I never had that traditional childhood with a traditional family. I had been abandoned as a little baby, lived in foster home after foster home. I had been adopted, but I had two mothers and no father, not even a father figure. I didn’t want my baby to be without that feeling of family. 41

It sucked. I really was speechless, thoughtless. I sat in the middle of my yard moping. I just couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle any of it. I felt like my life was ruined. I felt like I would ruin Kamari’s life. And Eric’s life.42

Kamari called over to check up on me at about two in the morning and I asked if he would come over. I guess I could’ve told him over the phone, but secretly I wanted to just crawl into his arms and cry on his shoulder. 43

He snuck out of his house and came knocking at my door. Mickey and Pumpkin woke up and looked up at him, “Hey Kamari.”44

Pumpkin curled into Mickey’s arms and they gave each other a little peck of a kiss and closed their eyes again. Kamari and I went upstairs into my bedroom and we lay in my bed.45

He hugged me and kissed me on top of my head, “So how’s your head feel.”46

“Like its spinning,” I whined and tears started seeping from my eyes.47

Kamari looked at me worried, “I’m going to get Mickey.”48

I told him, “I found out at the hospital that I’m pregnant.”49

His face froze. He took me into my arms and we cried together.50

The thought was very overwhelming to Kamari, maybe even more so than to me, but something clicked in his head. He looked me in the eye, “Don’t worry, Lana. I’m going to take care of you. And I’m going to take care of this baby. We’ll be a family. I’ll be a father. I’ll try hard…”51

My tears faded and anger took over. He was talking out of his ass. He couldn’t be a father, we couldn’t start this family he spoke about, his parents strict African natives, hated that he lived in the same city as a girl like me and then there was all the complications with Eric. And we were young, well I was young, Kamari was on his way to USC to go to medical school and become a neurologist or some shit like that. When would he have time to be a father. “Shut the fuck up. This can not work. What about your parents? What about college? What about Eric? I’m supposed to be going on tour in the summer. What about that? This shit is going to ruin our lives.”