My eyes were closed, the blue-green ocean crashing over my feet. My mahogany hair whipped around my face and my black skirt twisted around my pale legs. Her hands wrapped around my waist, her chin fitting perfectly in the crook of my neck. I touched her, my fingers slipping into hers. A wave crashed over me, and I deeply breathed in the salty air. I felt the sand slipping underneath my feet. The word ‘Inspire’ that I wrote with a stick washing away to sea.1
“I love watching you next to the ocean,” she whispered. I broke her hold flipping around, my storm gray eyes flashing a dangerous sea blue. She smiled her ice blue orbs twinkling warmly. She touched my cheek, tracing a small white crescent shaped scar that just happened to be the exact shape of her fingernail. I flinched pulling away.2
“I hate you,” I spat, averting my gaze. She stepped towards me her scent filling my nostrils-a smooth warm new car smell. I felt a tear slip stinging down my face, leaving an angry red mark on my pale cheek. I looked back at her, my hand shooting out to touch her.3
“Promise me?” I asked sadly. She pulled my close, her hot breath on my lips. My heart sped up.4
“Promise you what?” Her voice was like liquid steel. Her hand was at my lapel and she was picking me up.5
“That you’ll go away. You promised me you’d leave me alone,” I whimpered. She dropped me. Ocean water filled my lungs and I coughed violently. She squatted down next to me.6
“If you remember one thing about me… remember that I love you,” she whispered and faded from view. A strangled sob rose and died in my throat. Tears ran endlessly down my face. Water swirled around, playing with me, taunting me, begging me. I got up, stepping out of the wave, the ocean screamed in protest. I smiled and whispered comforting words as I made my way up the rocks to the cliffs.7
“I remember,” I mouthed, and I jumped. My hair fanned out behind me and I hit the water with a satisfying ‘splash’.8
The ocean is silent… it remembers as well. And it realizes it finally won.
Author notes
Option: Revenge from the grave.
Kind of odd for the option I chose, but this is what came out.
A contest entry
- Theme contest with options.... by parntsoftwins.
100 points, ended January 18, 2008, 5 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Tell me it sucks?
Comments
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I like this take on the option. Nice twist at the end, At first I thought it was a love story, then the twisting end, bam, hit me. lol. Nice write, thank you for entering. You have a great start here for a lengthy great story!! Good work, ~Nikki
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I liked the description at first. Very whispy and colorful. You know?
Good thing.
"My hands touched hers, my fingers slipping into hers."
You repeated hands. When repetition is involved, but not in a poetic way it sort of distracts the reader. So maybe change that?
You repeat sea also too, in the end of the first paragraph and beginning of the second.
And eyes in the second.
“Promise you what?” Her voice is like liquid steel. Her hand is at my lapel and she is picking me up.
You suddenly switched tenses from past to present. Any specific reason, or was that an accident?
"and die in my throat"
died*
That was good.
I liked the imagery I got.
I imagined the ocean and everything perfectly.
I like how it was sort of mysterious.
So what were they? Nymphs? Mermaids?
It leaves me wondering.
Good, and bad I suppose. Haha.
Nice job.
I hope you didn't mind my CC. It wasn't to be taken harshly, Just for improvement!
But yeah.
Great job. < -
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I love CC. As this was un-betaed it really help.
They were just normal people. One was a spirit thing. Ghost. Whisper of the past. Whatever you want to call her.
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Haha. Okay.
I love CC too, but I always feel bad giving it because I don't know how people will take it. >.>
Ahh. Gotcha. Makes sense now.
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