Captain's log: Star date, 16th of the 3rd, 4037. 1
We'd been orbiting around the star 1,337 of the Nerdy Sector for two weeks, awaiting a supply ship. ('Cause we were running kinda low on spam.) Our mission was to explore the unknown! To boldly go where no man has gone before! To–
A door opened and the first mate Harry Smyth, entered.2
"Gosh, that is so cliché," he said.3
I frowned at him. "It's protocol. I gotta do it." 4
"Hah, well, if you 'gotta do it,' at least you could try not to split your definitives. It's, 'To go boldly where no man has gone before.' " 5
I sniffed in a somewhat haughty manner. What did he know about this sort of thing? I was the captain of this ship, not him. I told him as much, "What do you know of doing star logs, eh? Answer me that!"6
My infuriating first mate Smyth raised one infuriating eyebrow, and said in an infuriatingly calm voice, "I know enough to know that you aren't saying it right."7
Before I could think of something snide to say, one of the ensigns called.8
"Cap'n, we're picking up a sub-postive mass of roughly 13.435738–"9
"Alright, alright, alright!" I snapped. "Just tell me where and what. I don't want to know how much the thing weighs." 10
"What it is I don't know, but it's over there," the Ensign said, pointing to a little speck on the left of the display screen.11
I squinted at the little dot. "Umm, can we sorta zoom in on it a bit?" Gosh, do I have to think of everything myself around here?12
"Yes sir." The Ensign pushed a few knobs and levers and the little dot grew in size till it filled the screen.13
Everyone on the bridge gasped. 14
It was a large box about six metres square and in the middle was a button. It had the words: 'WARNING! Emergency self destruct, do not press!' written on it. It also had a glass panel shielding the button, just like a standard fire alarm button. 15
"What is that?" asked Smyth. He always was the one to ask the question on everyones mind.16
"Well, it's obviously some kind of practical joke," I told him. 17
"How do you know it's a joke?" he asked. Trust him, always doubting what I said. 18
"Well, like I said, it's obvious, it can't be anything else. I mean, it's a big emergency self destruct button floating in the middle of nowhere, with the words: 'WARNING! Emergency self destruct do not press,' written in English on the front. I mean, if it really was an emergency self destruct that God put here when He made the place, for if it all went down the drain, do you really think it would be in English?"19
"Er. Well. Um... Why shouldn't it be, umm, in English?" asked Smyth.20
"Oh come on! English was only invented about 2,500 years ago, and the universe has been around for about 8,000 years. If He put an emergency self destruct button out here, it wouldn't have been in English." 21
"Well, he might have put it here after the English language was invented, 'cause he decided that this place really needed it if humans came up with a language like English."22
"Ha-ha. I'm telling you: it. Is. A. Joke! Do you want me to spell it out for you?" I yelled at him. 23
Smyth raised an eyebrow. "Erm, no need to get so stressed. But I still think we should leave it alone." 24
Oh good grief, that man would drive me crazy. I was beginning to think that he was one of those people who actually listened to his mum when she told him 'Don't touch.' So I ignored his comment. "Ensign! Set a course to that thing!"25
I couldn't believe it! The Ensign actually turned and looked Smyth, to see whether or not he should do as I told him! 26
Smyth nodded.27
I glared at them both and muttered, "I still think it's a joke." 28
29
Four hours later the ship was floating in space no more then twenty metres from the button.30
"Look, it is just asking to be pressed!" I yelled. 31
"That is exactly why we should not touch it,' said Smyth.32
"Look, just tell me in simple words, why do you not want to press the button?" I asked, keeping my voice calm with great difficulty, the fool hadn't stopped going on about not touching the button, but he was yet to give a good reason why not too.33
Smyth sighed. "What if it is an emergency self destruct, and by pressing it the universe blows up? Could you live with that?"34
I thought about it for a few seconds. "I see what you mean, no one could live with something like that." I grinned wickedly at him. "No one would live, so no one would know that I did it."35
Smyth stared blankly at me for a second, then snapped, "Oh for Pete's sake! Just press the damn thing and get it out of your system!" 36
I smiled cheerfully at him. "Ah, I knew you'd see it my way in the end."37
He glared at me, turned his heel, and stalked off the bridge.38
"Okay, let's get this show on the road." I rubbed my hands together enthusiastically, and grinned encouragingly at them. "You, in the seat there." I said, pointing at one of the Ensigns. "You're coming with me."39
"But, but, but... I don't know anything about being out side the ship, I only tell people when the air conditioning needs turning on!" wailed the Ensign.40
I ignored his petty excuses. "One of you other chaps see to it that our space suits are all ready in ten minutes 'K?" I went to see to a few things before I left, leaving them milling about the bridge like confused sheep.41
Thirty minutes later Smyth was back on the bridge watching me with a somewhat bewildered Ensign in tow, approach the 'Emergency self destruct' button.42
"Ok, object appears to be lifeless," I said over the radio.43
I grinned at the thought of Smyth standing on the bridge, probably rolling his eyes and thinking, 'Of course it's lifeless, it's a strange object floating in the middle of nowhere. There was no way that it was going to suddenly spring to life and kill them all.' He was a good lad, but his logic was a bit screwed up. Poor guy.44
I drifted around the button. "There does not appear to be wires of any sort attached to it." I drifted back round to the front. "Ensign, the hammer please."45
The Ensign floated forward and nervously handed me the large sledge hammer he had been carrying.46
I raised the hammer, turned, and grinned at the people on the bridge. "Well, here goes noth 47
Somewhere in the void that once was the universe, a voice said, "Hah! I was right, they did it. Now pay up." 48
Honorable mention
Silver trophy winner
Gold trophy winner
Adding your comment:
~~~Aldabella
So The... Club will have to do. Glad you enjoyed it. 
hahaha if it isn't, harhar, that's why I failed math.. x.x if it is.. oh gawd, it has eaten my mind x.x
but yeah.. 
