To pee, or not to pee– that is the question: 1
Whether 'tis nobler in mind to suffer2
The bursting of my already full bladder,3
Or to take a trip to the cold and drafty tower,4
And release the tide. To relax, to unclench–5
No more– and by unclenching say we end6
The Groin ache, and the thousand litres of piss7
That the bladder is full of. 'Tis a pleasure8
Devoutly to be wished. To relax, to unclench–9
To unclench– perchance to release: Ay, there's the toilet,10
For on that seat is a hole, overhanging a hundred feet of cliff.11
What cold winds blow up it, freezing all extremities.12
Must make us pause, there's no privacy,13
Who knows who is standing below looking up.14
For who would bear the smell of the crap on the seat,15
Th' un-oppressed gas, the proud mans burst gasket,16
The pangs of digestive tracts, delayed too long,17
The insolence of indigestion, and the gas,18
The impatient rumbling of th' laden stomach,19
When he himself might take a quiet leak,20
In a private toilet? Who would his bladder bear,21
To grunt and sweat till it's all out.22
But that the dread of having to go the tower,23
The undiscovered toilet, from whose depths24
No late night visitor returns, puzzles us all.25
And makes us rather bear those ills in our gut,26
Than run to other toilets of which state we know not?27
Thus fear does make cowards of us all,28
And thus the primal need to pee,29
has made our sheets damp to the touch,30
With this new problem, all thought goes awry,31
And lose the name of where to go – Soft you know,32
The toilet paper – Dunny, in thy decline,33
Be all my trips to thee remembered.
Author notes
Well, this was a random little thing I wrote awhile ago. Which I'll blame on: lack of sleep, (7 weeks with only 7 hours a night, and 11 hours of work a day, 6 days a week) a cold, a stuffed up brain, a bizarre sense of humour, boredom, and anything else. Haha. Anyway, It's better if you read the original as well, I've copied it fairly closely, so it might make more sense if you read the original. So here it is.
DoozerDan's the name.
To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.
In a list
A contest entry
- Amuse and Bemuse me by callthexylophone.
350 points, ended July 8, 2008, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short But Very, Very Sweet by sugarrrainbow.
175 points, ended July 8, 2008, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Gimme, gimme, gimme your best Poems & Stories! by Zerstort.
185 points, ended July 17, 2008, 95 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Short short short!! by Thorn-on-the-Rose.
175 points, ended September 28, 2008, 36 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Shakespeare by Lady Pixie.
350 points, ended March 16, 6 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - MANY MANY OPTIONS! by ElfSong.
650 points, ended May 2, 17 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Anything and Everything.... by Violette.
175 points, ended April 24, 17 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - I Want the Greatest Crap You Can Give Me Contest by Dual.Of.Fireflies.
170 points, ended May 22, 8 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Worst. Contest. Ever. by WritersEffigy.
150 points, ended June 12, 46 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Poems - Join! by Unice the geek.
100 points, ended August 18, 50 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Nothing to ask here, except that you enjoy.
Comments
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Ha! That was so funny. Wish all Shakespeare was like this. might make English lessons fun!
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hahaha, that's soo jokes, interesting sense of comedy
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I loved it. thank you so much for entering. i hope to see more of your work very soon! Thank you for your contest entry. lol-ec.
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HAHAHAhA!!!!!!
I LOVE IT!
LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
It's so amazinggggg. =DDD!
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God I still fucking love this poem.
Thank you for entering the Worst. Contest. Ever. -
THAT WAS AWSOME!
I really enjoyed it. Thank you so much for bringing this image to my head. -
Oh man this is awesome!!! And yes this is one of the greatest in the world lol.
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Hehehe this was awesome. In particular, I found it urinally evoking. It was probably all the more effective as it accompanied my really bad need to go to the bathroom. ^^
Thanks for entering this, it made me laugh... hehe
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Okay.
So original and hysterical it is going into my finalists lists. That was incredible! I was quite literally laughing my head off. But don't worry, I screwed it back on-right after quoting shakespeare. lolz.
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*gets back from running to the bathroom*
Gosh, this story made me wanna pee!
Well done indeed. Very, very clever. This is perhaps the funniest, most clever piece of poetry I've read in quiet some time!
I wish you all the best in the contests you've entered...and I see why you won something in the others. Should have been gold, though. *glares at judges*
Well done! I think I'll bookmark this and keep it to read when I'm depressed, because it's so hilarious! Thanks so much for writing this!
Again, thanks!
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???
Well. This certainly is... unusual.
Very funny though!
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haha nice mate nice lol
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LOL
This was great! You've left me at a loss of words on what else to say to this.. LoL. Certainly a memorable piece. Clever!
Thank you for entering and good luck
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Shock and awe, that's the trick, shock and awe.
Glad you enjoyed it. Don't worry, as long as one laughs, I don't need to hear anything else. That's what I gets me pleasure from, people laughing.
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This was amazing.
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You certainly have guts--
It really belongs to the shameless sotries, what can i say. Honestly, this was a veru peculiar piece that i'll remember! Nice job! I liked that you posted the original at the end for us to compare--nice touch. -
Oh my goodness. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!! For anyone who may have suffered through some Shakespear at the English Literature as a major level knows that sometimes you with the tutors would let you loose to do things with the work. Not saying Shakespear is boring...just the way they taught and conveyed stuff was boring.
You can have so much fun with this and I'm sure this will inspire many persons to read the actual play simply by seeing this.
Nice going, highly entertaining for me
God bless
Keep on writing -
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Dan you always make me laugh so hard. Nicely done.
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My work here is done, then.
Glad you enjoyed!
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Now that's a poem!!!
Wow!!!
Who knew you could make going to the bathroom into such an powerful poem. Hahahahaha...I was laughting like crazy
You're a very interesting writer, I'll give you that.
I like your style and you certainly stand out from other writers.
I'll have to check your other work out.
Wait a minute...
Your that dude who has like 30 gold trophies.
Now I know why you won them all, you are a good writer.
Good luck in my contest!!!
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Hehe. Nothing like being bored and sick at work, eh?
I try to be interesting, but it's hard. >.<
Ahh, yes. That would be me. I knew your name was familiar, but couldn't quite place it. But yes, I am he.
Glad you enjoyed it!
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Omgosh this is completely hilarious!!! I LOVE Shakespeare, I am a theatre addict, and I am quite certain that the great Bard himself is rolling over in his grave - in laughter. This was wonderfully done. Keep up the great work!
P.S. I needed a laugh after tonight's class at college. Thanks. -
really funny and cleverly written, well done!
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How did I miss this?
In the cold light of dawn,
when the urge comes upon
the man with the fist
clenched to mouth
('cos he pissed!)
his wife, with lips pursed,
shakes her head, 'cos he burst
like some winged angry bird
genital clutching, absurd,
screaming, "Out, damned pot,
receive this gut rot."
Or mayhap he will find
some relief, pees of mind,
in yon chamber, strangely small,
much more door than wall,
blessed relief somewhat mixed
as he stares, eyes fixed
on a strange seeming sight
of furry creatures stayed in flight
when of a sudden, to his fright,
wife bursts through the door,
skids upon the soaked floor,
asks the question in code,
"What are ou doing
in the wardrobe?"
Not as good as your soliloquy, but best I could do in five minutes.
I loved your version, I suspect Willie would have as well! -
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Because I hid it well?
Heh, glad you enjoyed it, Jimmy.
Your little poem is pretty good for five minutes work! Twas funny.
Thanks for reading!
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Ha, I don't think I have ever read something this long about peeing.
This made me laugh. Sadly, it was written really well! Ha!
This is one of the greatest humor pieces I think I've read here.
Thanks so much for entering, and I wish you the best of luck!
xoxo
-♥-
Tay
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xD Reminded me of something on the Simpsons or Family Guy =). Its like immaturity meets creativity meets individuality meets freaking hilarious!
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Very well written
I like and enjoyed your play on this well known piece. Very Monty Python.
A few more lines at the end tokeep everyone guessing would add to it. -
LOL!!!! I have to say this is quite hilarious. As a teacher I can see many of my kids willing to learn to read this and memorize it instead of all the other boring stuff I give them. Great job!!!
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I can see a lot of parents loving you teaching kids this.
Glad you enjoyed it. You're welcome to let 'em learn it if you want. Just so long as credit goes where credit is due.
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After most of the crap my students listen to this would be great. I don't see no pimps and hos or drugs mentioned here.
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Hah! I bet. Nothin' but clean toilet humour here.
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A foine piss of work!
HAHAHAHAHA!! I'm quite familiar with the original, and sensed the devilishly released humor in your parody, spattering down for all to see! Oh my, that made my sides ache. Truly mahvelous, dahling.
and 
I did see that you have "mans" instead of "man's"...just saying.
And you've been HO.Odwinked!
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Oh Dan
my 11 year old was standing behind me when I was reading this and she hit me on the shoulder and told it was funniest thing she'd ever read. I'm afraid you've created a monster. I can hear her reciting 'to pee or not to pee' to her dad.
I haven't read this and I'm sorry it's taking me so long.
Brooke
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Hehehe, awesome. ^^
Tell her I'm glad she enjoyed it.
Love to see the look on his face with her reciting things like that. xD I should probably learn it myself. Heh.
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.
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I didn't see his face, but I heard the gumblings and then a muffled 'I can't believe she let you read that' from the hubby. I'm sure I'll hear about it later
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Hehehe. I won't even let some of my younger siblings read it, much to their chagrin.
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Haha, very funny. I've never read or seen Hamlet but this is just so funny. Really creative idea to mix it up like that great job.
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loved it! absolutly hilarious! It was soooo funny, excellent job, just, wow. From the first line, I knew I was going to love it, and I knew I was going to laugh, hehe, great job!
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.....From the very first line, I knew if I read this I would be staring at the computer screen as if it had wanted to borrow my socks. Yet I read it. Why, I don't know. Yet, I read it.
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Awwww thanks Dan! ^.^ This made me laugh, really xD a liiittle too much information persay, but I loved it none the less. Course, none else could really be expected =P Keep it up, good sir.
~Dasha~ =)
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Hehe. You're welcome. Glad you enjoyed it.
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This was good but i will be honest I found it weird Good luck in the contes
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Wow!
Though some may be put off by the soliloquy (or is it a monologue?), this was amazingly well written.
It is not an easy task to imitate Shakespeare's writing, with the rhyming and iambic pentameter and what not. You've done a stunning job at this!
Awesome job!
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Thank you very much.
It took me a few hours to work out just how to fit it all together following his style. I must say, I'm rather pleased with the results.
Thank you for reading, commenting and applauding!
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Hmmm... definitely different and unique, but a little odd as well. You have very good potential though, try editing this a little and it could be better, good luck and thanks for entering!
~lil~ -
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Odd, yep, that it is for sure.
But editing? Did you read the original? Mines the same, but slightly different wording, can't get it any better. Changing it would be like saying Shakespeare is wrong.
Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting.
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Hate to see poor Shakespeare disturbed in his final rest,
Hi, and thank you for filling the remainder of the morning with laughter.
I enjoyed reading your spoof. Hate to see poor Shakespeare disturbed in his final rest, but then he’s been lying there so long, I bet he’s enjoying this too.
I would definitely like to see what you intend for ‘Romeo and Juliet’.
You have so many comments on this, all the editing must have been done by now.
So I'll admit I didn't do any
, I just had fun.
Geri
beginning: 5, language: 5, ending: 5.
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Hehe, glad to know I lightened your morning.
I'll let you know if I get round to doing my R&J rip parody, 'K?
Yeah, there never was anything to check on this, as I pretty much copied straight from the original, any complaints one might have had, should be taken up with Shakespeare.
Thanks for the read comment and applause!.
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To clench or unclench
HAHAHAHAHHA! This has to be the funniest take on Hamlet i have ever read I meant to be dancing to Hip Hop abs, but I took a break and here I am.. haha this is also probably the ONLY poem I know that slightly mentions Keegels did I spell that right?
If I lack sleep and can write like this... wow, I would thank my muse
THank you so much for sharing this. I know this is an endless battle for people who are always pondering if peeing really is something that has to be done, over something as important as, let's say, writing?
haha, great work. Thanks for sharing this with ALL of us
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Why thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.
I do thank my muse, wish he'd give me more stuff like this, but he seems to only like the lack of sleep lots of coffee stage.
Thanks for reading commenting and applauding!
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I've commented on this before, and I know I found it hilarious then. It upholds its brilliance in a second or third or nth reading. It should really be immortalized as one of those funny emails - and have millions of people starting their day with this. (And one day you'll get it back and you can say - 'I wrote this')
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Hehe, pleased to know it still holds up on the repeat reads.
[edit] If you wants to send it in a Funny Email, feel free. It'd be interesting to see how long it took to get to me.
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I've heard many a cover song, but this is the first cover poem I've read, I think.
Quite amusing none the less. As Irish said, Shakespeare is probably rolling around in his grave, cursing you with each turn.
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Wait till Shakespeare sees what I'm planing with Romeo and Juliet. He'll be doing worse the rolling and cursing.
Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!
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*giggles burst into guffaws* Yup, this is still damn fantastic. I've commented on this before, but let's be honest - I saw it in the SAR list and just couldn't resist reading it again. Shakespeare should be rolling over in his grave and threatening you with a sharpened quill.
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Hehehe. It's nice to know it holds up the repeat reads so well.
*Makes a note to watch out for the sharpened quill's while strolling graveyards.*
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WTF? That was bizarre! And quite funny!
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Umm...Yeah, that's kinda disturbing..
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Gee, that's really a "anything goes" contest...
Sorry, missed the fact that you were only 10, otherwise I might not have entered this...
*Wanders off to find something else to enter.*
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Hahaha that was really good xD
Awesome xD
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Dan-O all i can say is that i know i've commented on this already, but each time i read it, i burst into laughter again. you have me crying from laughing so much. ^_^ Keep penning.
your crazy big sis
Ice.
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...amazing xD
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Oh dude. You rule. You have the crown of humor on your head. Its big, and Brassy and its YOURS.
Well done!!!
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OMFG........ I just got done slaving through hamlet in class... this is ggreat... my english teacher would find this hilarious........ can i print it out and show him????
WOW i almost pee'd myself laughing
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Sure you can print it out. Just let me know what he thinks of it, 'K?
Glad you liked it
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*wipes laughter tears from eyes* Oops, I was so busy laughing I forgot to applaud...
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*is laughing too hard to say anything coherent...*
I've been eyeing this in the spotlight for days, now, but because I know Shakespeare and because I know your particular breed of humor, I wanted to wait until I had an appropriate amount of time to fully appreciate it. That time is now. *goes back to read it a fourth time and bursts out laughing yet again* I have a feeling this will be stuck in my head for along time now... *tries to push it out of her head* -
Out, damn'd poem! out, I say! — One; two: why, then
'tis time to shoo it. — Humor is murky. — Laugh, my friend, laugh, a poet, and
so lewd? What need we laugh who knows it, when none can call our
laughter to accompt? — Yet who would have thought DoozerDan to
have had so much piss in him?
*giggles*
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It got spotlighted? 0.o *Checks the front page* Oh golly, so it has. Wow, two stories spotlighted. *feels head growing to massive proportions due to ego inflation*
Seems I've gotten a bit of a reputation for my humour I'm glad you enjoyed it so much. I love comments like this, read them over and over grinning more each time
Thank you muchly for the comment and applause!!
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it was funny though im not going to say it didnt disgust me a little i think you did a good job
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Yup, tis disgusting, I know. But thanks for the comment, and applause.
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Dan, you are the master of humor. ^^ My friend Kristen (gullible) printed this out and showed it to me, so I've already seen it before, but I figured I owed it to you to tell you I loved it and give you a few points while I was at it. lol
Love it! Hilarious... lol "To pee or not to pee"...
<44444
Cassy
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Wow, someone printed it out, I feel special ^^
Thanks for commenting, and applauded.
*Wanders off all puffed up with pride at being called the master of humour*
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A-hysterically-mazing!
I don;t think I've ever enjoyed Hamlet so much! Did the book in class last semester and this is one of my preferred speeches, but you've given it a whole new meaning. The most entertaining thing I found is that you stick to the old Shakespearean English.
Btw, Ophelia = Dunny...*suffers convulsions of laughter*
Gamer
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Yea well, it'd kinda ruin it a bit if I did it in modern English.
The Dunny line has always been one I'm rather proud of
Thanks for the comment and the applause!
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Haha Very diffrent.
It was cool to see how you turned a classic piece into well...This
Keep up the good work.
~Alex~
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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TeeHee
The great word of ol'Shakes have been murdered and replaced with bladder babble. As a massive fan of English Lit you must swear not to tell anyone I enjoyed it so much I nearly pissed myself!
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lol WEll done! Thanks for entering my contest and Good luck! <3 Princess Peaches
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This is random and disturbing. Very. I just want to know, why Pee? Lol. Okay, I don't know what to say about this, just good luck and thanks for entering.
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'Cause pee rhymes with be. And I was bored tired, and when I get like that, I have some weird thoughts...
Thanks for the comment, and the applause!
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lol, that was preety cool, i am a great fan of hamlet, i never thought something like that could be done it. lol. great job
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That was great and very creative. Also very imaginitive! I like and will always remember the first line 'to pee or not to pee' Over all, great job.
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Not many things I read actually get me laughing, but this was incredible!! It's so funny!! *laughs hysterically* I like Hamlet, (and like someone else said) now whenever I read it 'to pee or not pee' will be the first thing that comes to mind. Anyway, awesome job!!
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Hehe, awesome to know I can get even slow to laugh people laughing. But then hey, if I can get my family to laugh out loud at things, I'm doing fairly well
Thanks for the comment, and the applause!
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it may have been random but it was good i liked it it was funny well done and good luck in my contest
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That was just plain funny. Man, it's shakespeare-toilet style!
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Hehe, yeah. I've toyed with the idea of throwing that sort of idea in a story somewhere. Like this dude sitting on the toilet, and sees a book lying there, titled, "Shakespeare For Dunnies" And in the contents page, things like "To pee, or not to pee?" and others, I know I had some in mind, I just can't 'member what titles I'd messed with And then some comment by said dude like "Well, this is a load of crap."
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ha ha! i like it alot... very funny
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HEY! I like Shakespeare, unless he really did plagiarize his stuff, in which case i like whoever he plagiarized from! and now when i read Hamlet in in school this will be running through my head! Thanks!
it was kinda funny though, in a distgusting way.
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Heh. Well, despite the fact that I have now forever tainted your reading experience of Hamlet, thanks for reading and commenting!
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Say, my dawn?
Alaskan time. xP -
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Hum, that's like... 18 hours behind me. Could be a bit tricky coordinating. Haha.
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Absolutely. We will be wed at dawn, my love.
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Hmmm, Dawn's already gone for me, might have to postpone a lil while. To say, dawn tomorrow? Oh, and who's dawn, yours or mine?
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Ummm...Wow. Funny thing is, I read this after I went to the bathroom...Thank god.
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lmfao you are awesome! XD this was really funny *grins* I like your work!
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Why thank you, a complement about me, *Feels special* Thank you for reading! I'll return the favour as soon as I get time!
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This was incredible.
Let's get married.
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Was that a serious proposition?
Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the applause.
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