A Hamlet soliloquy -rewritten-

To pee, or not to pee– that is the question: 1

Whether 'tis nobler in mind to suffer2

The bursting of my already full bladder,3

Or to take a trip to the cold and drafty tower,4

And release the tide. To relax, to unclench–5

No more– and by unclenching say we end6

The Groin ache, and the thousand litres of piss7

That the bladder is full of. 'Tis a pleasure8

Devoutly to be wished. To relax, to unclench–9

To unclench– perchance to release: Ay, there's the toilet,10

For on that seat is a hole, overhanging a hundred feet of cliff.11

What cold winds blow up it, freezing all extremities.12

Must make us pause, there's no privacy,13

Who knows who is standing below looking up.14

For who would bear the smell of the crap on the seat,15

Th' un-oppressed gas, the proud mans burst gasket,16

The pangs of digestive tracts, delayed too long,17

The insolence of indigestion, and the gas,18

The impatient rumbling of th' laden stomach,19

When he himself might take a quiet leak,20

In a private toilet? Who would his bladder bear,21

To grunt and sweat till it's all out.22

But that the dread of having to go the tower,23

The undiscovered toilet, from whose depths24

No late night visitor returns, puzzles us all.25

And makes us rather bear those ills in our gut,26

Than run to other toilets of which state we know not?27

Thus fear does make cowards of us all,28

And thus the primal need to pee,29

has made our sheets damp to the touch,30

With this new problem, all thought goes awry,31

And lose the name of where to go – Soft you know,32

The toilet paper – Dunny, in thy decline,33

Be all my trips to thee remembered.

Author notes

Well, this was a random little thing I wrote awhile ago. Which I'll blame on: lack of sleep, (7 weeks with only 7 hours a night, and 11 hours of work a day, 6 days a week) a cold, a stuffed up brain, a bizarre sense of humour, boredom, and anything else. Haha. Anyway, It's better if you read the original as well, I've copied it fairly closely, so it might make more sense if you read the original. So here it is.

DoozerDan's the name.

To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

In a list

A contest entry

Nothing to ask here, except that you enjoy.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 30 of 109     1 2 3 4  next >  (show all)

  • emperess27
    August 12

    Edit | Reply
    Ha! That was so funny. Wish all Shakespeare was like this. might make English lessons fun!


  • Carina.J.LR
    June 26
    Edit | Reply
    hahaha, that's soo jokes, interesting sense of comedy


  • Unice the geek
    June 25

    Edit | Reply
    I loved it. thank you so much for entering. i hope to see more of your work very soon! Thank you for your contest entry. lol-ec.


  • Aaez
    June 21
    Edit | Reply
    HAHAHAhA!!!!!!
    I LOVE IT!
    LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!
    It's so amazinggggg. =DDD!


  • WritersEffigy gold member
    May 29
    Edit | Reply
    God I still fucking love this poem.

    Thank you for entering the Worst. Contest. Ever.


  • Duality.
    May 22

    Edit | Reply

    THAT WAS AWSOME!

    I really enjoyed it. Thank you so much for bringing this image to my head.


  • StreetRider
    May 6
    Edit | Reply
    Oh man this is awesome!!! And yes this is one of the greatest in the world lol.


  • ElfSong
    April 26

    Edit | Reply
    Hehehe this was awesome. In particular, I found it urinally evoking. It was probably all the more effective as it accompanied my really bad need to go to the bathroom. ^^

    Thanks for entering this, it made me laugh... hehe


  • Violette silver member
    April 24

    Edit | Reply

    Okay.

    So original and hysterical it is going into my finalists lists. That was incredible! I was quite literally laughing my head off. But don't worry, I screwed it back on-right after quoting shakespeare. lolz.


  • Lady Eventide Greeters member
    March 14

    Edit | Reply
    *gets back from running to the bathroom*

    Gosh, this story made me wanna pee! Well done indeed. Very, very clever. This is perhaps the funniest, most clever piece of poetry I've read in quiet some time!

    I wish you all the best in the contests you've entered...and I see why you won something in the others. Should have been gold, though. *glares at judges*

    Well done! I think I'll bookmark this and keep it to read when I'm depressed, because it's so hilarious! Thanks so much for writing this!



    Again, thanks!


  • HengmanL
    March 12
    Edit | Reply

    ???

    Well. This certainly is... unusual.

    Very funny though!

    XD


  • Asonine
    March 11
    Edit | Reply
    haha nice mate nice lol


  • Lady Pixie Greeters member
    March 3

    Edit | Reply
    LOL
    This was great! You've left me at a loss of words on what else to say to this.. LoL. Certainly a memorable piece. Clever!

    Thank you for entering and good luck


    • DoozerDan silver member
      March 3
      Edit | Reply
      Shock and awe, that's the trick, shock and awe.

      Glad you enjoyed it. Don't worry, as long as one laughs, I don't need to hear anything else. That's what I gets me pleasure from, people laughing.


  • MetroHollywoodTeen
    March 1
    Edit | Reply
    This was amazing.

  • secretpart
    February 27

    Edit | Reply

    You certainly have guts--

    It really belongs to the shameless sotries, what can i say. Honestly, this was a veru peculiar piece that i'll remember! Nice job! I liked that you posted the original at the end for us to compare--nice touch.


  • Raeyle
    February 24

    Edit | Reply
    Oh my goodness. I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!! For anyone who may have suffered through some Shakespear at the English Literature as a major level knows that sometimes you with the tutors would let you loose to do things with the work. Not saying Shakespear is boring...just the way they taught and conveyed stuff was boring.
    You can have so much fun with this and I'm sure this will inspire many persons to read the actual play simply by seeing this.
    Nice going, highly entertaining for me

    God bless
    Keep on writing

  • Elegant Inspirer
    February 24
    Edit | Reply
    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Dan you always make me laugh so hard. Nicely done.


  • Keirii
    February 24

    Edit | Reply

    Now that's a poem!!!

    Wow!!!

    Who knew you could make going to the bathroom into such an powerful poem. Hahahahaha...I was laughting like crazy

    You're a very interesting writer, I'll give you that.

    I like your style and you certainly stand out from other writers.

    I'll have to check your other work out.

    Wait a minute...

    Your that dude who has like 30 gold trophies.
    Now I know why you won them all, you are a good writer.

    Good luck in my contest!!!

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.

    • DoozerDan silver member
      February 24
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe. Nothing like being bored and sick at work, eh?

      I try to be interesting, but it's hard. >.<

      Ahh, yes. That would be me. I knew your name was familiar, but couldn't quite place it. But yes, I am he.

      Glad you enjoyed it!


  • Cajun.Lullaby gold member
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    Omgosh this is completely hilarious!!! I LOVE Shakespeare, I am a theatre addict, and I am quite certain that the great Bard himself is rolling over in his grave - in laughter. This was wonderfully done. Keep up the great work!

    P.S. I needed a laugh after tonight's class at college. Thanks.

  • chattyloz
    February 4
    Edit | Reply
    really funny and cleverly written, well done!

  • daftweejimmy gold member
    February 3

    Edit | Reply

    How did I miss this?

    In the cold light of dawn,
    when the urge comes upon
    the man with the fist
    clenched to mouth
    ('cos he pissed!)
    his wife, with lips pursed,
    shakes her head, 'cos he burst
    like some winged angry bird
    genital clutching, absurd,
    screaming, "Out, damned pot,
    receive this gut rot."
    Or mayhap he will find
    some relief, pees of mind,
    in yon chamber, strangely small,
    much more door than wall,
    blessed relief somewhat mixed
    as he stares, eyes fixed
    on a strange seeming sight
    of furry creatures stayed in flight
    when of a sudden, to his fright,
    wife bursts through the door,
    skids upon the soaked floor,
    asks the question in code,
    "What are ou doing
    in the wardrobe?"

    Not as good as your soliloquy, but best I could do in five minutes.

    I loved your version, I suspect Willie would have as well!

    • DoozerDan silver member
      February 3
      Edit | Reply

      Because I hid it well?

      Heh, glad you enjoyed it, Jimmy.

      Your little poem is pretty good for five minutes work! Twas funny.

      Thanks for reading!


  • Taylor Renee
    January 28

    Edit | Reply
    Ha, I don't think I have ever read something this long about peeing.

    This made me laugh. Sadly, it was written really well! Ha!

    This is one of the greatest humor pieces I think I've read here.

    Thanks so much for entering, and I wish you the best of luck!

    xoxo
    -♥-
    Tay


  • sanctuaryWHiTE
    January 7

    Edit | Reply
    xD Reminded me of something on the Simpsons or Family Guy =). Its like immaturity meets creativity meets individuality meets freaking hilarious!


  • The Racing Snake
    January 7

    Edit | Reply

    Very well written

    I like and enjoyed your play on this well known piece. Very Monty Python.

    A few more lines at the end tokeep everyone guessing would add to it.

  • DoozerDan silver member
    January 7

    Edit | Reply
    I can see a lot of parents loving you teaching kids this.

    Glad you enjoyed it. You're welcome to let 'em learn it if you want. Just so long as credit goes where credit is due.


    • MsAlee gold member
      January 7

      Edit | Reply

      <

      After most of the crap my students listen to this would be great. I don't see no pimps and hos or drugs mentioned here.

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