A Hamlet soliloquy -rewritten-

To pee, or not to pee– that is the question: 1

Whether 'tis nobler in mind to suffer2

The bursting of my already full bladder,3

Or to take a trip to the cold and drafty tower,4

And release the tide. To relax, to unclench–5

No more– and by unclenching say we end6

The Groin ache, and the thousand litres of piss7

That the bladder is full of. 'Tis a pleasure8

Devoutly to be wished. To relax, to unclench–9

To unclench– perchance to release: Ay, there's the toilet,10

For on that seat is a hole, overhanging a hundred feet of cliff.11

What cold winds blow up it, freezing all extremities.12

Must make us pause, there's no privacy,13

Who knows who is standing below looking up.14

For who would bear the smell of the crap on the seat,15

Th' un-oppressed gas, the proud mans burst gasket,16

The pangs of digestive tracts, delayed too long,17

The insolence of indigestion, and the gas,18

The impatient rumbling of th' laden stomach,19

When he himself might take a quiet leak,20

In a private toilet? Who would his bladder bear,21

To grunt and sweat till it's all out.22

But that the dread of having to go the tower,23

The undiscovered toilet, from whose depths24

No late night visitor returns, puzzles us all.25

And makes us rather bear those ills in our gut,26

Than run to other toilets of which state we know not?27

Thus fear does make cowards of us all,28

And thus the primal need to pee,29

has made our sheets damp to the touch,30

With this new problem, all thought goes awry,31

And lose the name of where to go – Soft you know,32

The toilet paper – Dunny, in thy decline,33

Be all my trips to thee remembered.

Author notes

Well, this was a random little thing I wrote awhile ago. Which I'll blame on: lack of sleep, (7 weeks with only 7 hours a night, and 11 hours of work a day, 6 days a week) a cold, a stuffed up brain, a bizarre sense of humour, boredom, and anything else. Haha. Anyway, It's better if you read the original as well, I've copied it fairly closely, so it might make more sense if you read the original. So here it is.

DoozerDan's the name.

To be, or not to be--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles
And by opposing end them. To die, to sleep--
No more--and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'Tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep--
To sleep--perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub,
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
Th' oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of th' unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? Who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscovered country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprise of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action. -- Soft you now,
The fair Ophelia! -- Nymph, in thy orisons
Be all my sins remembered.

In a list

A contest entry

Nothing to ask here, except that you enjoy.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 4913. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 30 of 77     1 2 3  next >  (show all)

  • Valkyrie gold member
    November 18

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    A foine piss of work!

    HAHAHAHAHA!! I'm quite familiar with the original, and sensed the devilishly released humor in your parody, spattering down for all to see! Oh my, that made my sides ache. Truly mahvelous, dahling. and
    I did see that you have "mans" instead of "man's"...just saying.
    And you've been HO.Odwinked!


  • SageSyren Greeters member
    November 17
    Edit | Reply
    Oh Dan my 11 year old was standing behind me when I was reading this and she hit me on the shoulder and told it was funniest thing she'd ever read. I'm afraid you've created a monster. I can hear her reciting 'to pee or not to pee' to her dad.

    I haven't read this and I'm sorry it's taking me so long.
    Brooke


    • DoozerDan silver member
      November 17

      Edit | Reply
      Hehehe, awesome. ^^

      Tell her I'm glad she enjoyed it.

      Love to see the look on his face with her reciting things like that. xD I should probably learn it myself. Heh.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding.


      • SageSyren Greeters member
        November 17

        Edit | Reply
        I didn't see his face, but I heard the gumblings and then a muffled 'I can't believe she let you read that' from the hubby. I'm sure I'll hear about it later


        • DoozerDan silver member
          November 17
          Edit | Reply
          Hehehe. I won't even let some of my younger siblings read it, much to their chagrin.


  • Six-Feet-Underwater
    September 27

    Edit | Reply
    Haha, very funny. I've never read or seen Hamlet but this is just so funny. Really creative idea to mix it up like that great job.


  • Thorn-on-the-Rose
    September 23

    Edit | Reply
    loved it! absolutly hilarious! It was soooo funny, excellent job, just, wow. From the first line, I knew I was going to love it, and I knew I was going to laugh, hehe, great job!


  • Midnight-In-Prayer
    August 25

    Edit | Reply
    .....From the very first line, I knew if I read this I would be staring at the computer screen as if it had wanted to borrow my socks. Yet I read it. Why, I don't know. Yet, I read it.


  • Trillian
    July 25

    Edit | Reply
    Awwww thanks Dan! ^.^ This made me laugh, really xD a liiittle too much information persay, but I loved it none the less. Course, none else could really be expected =P Keep it up, good sir.
    ~Dasha~ =)


  • MixedUpFreak
    July 9
    Edit | Reply
    This was good but i will be honest I found it weird Good luck in the contes

  • sugarrrainbow
    July 8

    Edit | Reply
    Wow!
    Though some may be put off by the soliloquy (or is it a monologue?), this was amazingly well written.
    It is not an easy task to imitate Shakespeare's writing, with the rhyming and iambic pentameter and what not. You've done a stunning job at this!
    Awesome job!


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 13
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you very much. It took me a few hours to work out just how to fit it all together following his style. I must say, I'm rather pleased with the results.

      Thank you for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • CrazySouthernGirl
    July 2

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmm... definitely different and unique, but a little odd as well. You have very good potential though, try editing this a little and it could be better, good luck and thanks for entering!

    ~lil~


    • DoozerDan silver member
      July 2
      Edit | Reply
      Odd, yep, that it is for sure.

      But editing? Did you read the original? Mines the same, but slightly different wording, can't get it any better. Changing it would be like saying Shakespeare is wrong.

      Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting.

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    June 27

    Edit | Reply

    Hate to see poor Shakespeare disturbed in his final rest,


    Hi, and thank you for filling the remainder of the morning with laughter.

    I enjoyed reading your spoof. Hate to see poor Shakespeare disturbed in his final rest, but then he’s been lying there so long, I bet he’s enjoying this too .

    I would definitely like to see what you intend for ‘Romeo and Juliet’.

    You have so many comments on this, all the editing must have been done by now.
    So I'll admit I didn't do any , I just had fun.

    Geri


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 27
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe, glad to know I lightened your morning.

      I'll let you know if I get round to doing my R&J rip parody, 'K?

      Yeah, there never was anything to check on this, as I pretty much copied straight from the original, any complaints one might have had, should be taken up with Shakespeare.

      Thanks for the read comment and applause!.


  • the wonder girl silver member
    June 23

    Edit | Reply
    To clench or unclench

    HAHAHAHAHHA! This has to be the funniest take on Hamlet i have ever read I meant to be dancing to Hip Hop abs, but I took a break and here I am.. haha this is also probably the ONLY poem I know that slightly mentions Keegels did I spell that right?

    If I lack sleep and can write like this... wow, I would thank my muse
    THank you so much for sharing this. I know this is an endless battle for people who are always pondering if peeing really is something that has to be done, over something as important as, let's say, writing?

    haha, great work. Thanks for sharing this with ALL of us


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 23
      Edit | Reply
      Why thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

      I do thank my muse, wish he'd give me more stuff like this, but he seems to only like the lack of sleep lots of coffee stage.

      Thanks for reading commenting and applauding!


  • tallblondie Greeters member
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    I've commented on this before, and I know I found it hilarious then. It upholds its brilliance in a second or third or nth reading. It should really be immortalized as one of those funny emails - and have millions of people starting their day with this. (And one day you'll get it back and you can say - 'I wrote this')


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 23
      Edit | Reply
      Hehe, pleased to know it still holds up on the repeat reads.

      [edit] If you wants to send it in a Funny Email, feel free. It'd be interesting to see how long it took to get to me.


  • Abstract Muse gold member
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    I've heard many a cover song, but this is the first cover poem I've read, I think.

    Quite amusing none the less. As Irish said, Shakespeare is probably rolling around in his grave, cursing you with each turn.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 23
      Edit | Reply
      Wait till Shakespeare sees what I'm planing with Romeo and Juliet. He'll be doing worse the rolling and cursing.

      Thanks for reading, commenting and applauding!


  • IrishYndina Greeters member
    June 22

    Edit | Reply
    *giggles burst into guffaws* Yup, this is still damn fantastic. I've commented on this before, but let's be honest - I saw it in the SAR list and just couldn't resist reading it again. Shakespeare should be rolling over in his grave and threatening you with a sharpened quill.


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 23
      Edit | Reply
      Hehehe. It's nice to know it holds up the repeat reads so well.

      *Makes a note to watch out for the sharpened quill's while strolling graveyards.*


  • eyeambaldman
    June 22
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    WTF? That was bizarre! And quite funny!


  • ScenexXxLove
    June 15
    Edit | Reply
    Umm...Yeah, that's kinda disturbing..


    • DoozerDan silver member
      June 15
      Edit | Reply
      Gee, that's really a "anything goes" contest...

      Sorry, missed the fact that you were only 10, otherwise I might not have entered this...

      *Wanders off to find something else to enter.*


  • Ary
    June 11
    Edit | Reply
    Hahaha that was really good xD

    Awesome xD


  • SnowFlakeWolf Greeters member
    May 25
    Edit | Reply
    Dan-O all i can say is that i know i've commented on this already, but each time i read it, i burst into laughter again. you have me crying from laughing so much. ^_^ Keep penning.
    your crazy big sis
    Ice.

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