Have you ever wondered; what happens to a Hostage in Counter Strike when they are not waiting to be rescued? Do they have social lives? Do they wonder about life after death? Today, you'll find out. 1
In a white room somewhere other than here, was a queue, a queue with a lot of people in it, people who were... Queuing... At the end of the queue, two people were talking, their conversation went something like this:
"So, where do you think you'll go today?" said one.2
"I dunno, I'm hoping I go to Militia," replied the other, staring in a fascinated fashion at a light on the roof.3
"Really? I don't like Militia." 4
"You don't? Why on earth not?" asked the second one aghast, still staring at the light on the roof.5
" 'Cause I always have very near death experiences in it," the first replied, now wondering what was on the roof, but not wanting to look.6
"Ohh. I see."7
The first risked looking up.8
"Haha! Fooled you!" 9
"Darnit!" 10
The conversation lapsed into silence.11
"So... What'd you do today?" asked the second.12
"Umm. I was a hostage for five minutes, and I've been waiting here ever since."13
" 'K." 14
The conversation lapsed again.15
"My name is Bob," said the first.16
"I'm Harry, pleased to meet you," Harry replied.17
They reached the front of of the queue. 18
"Hello sir, how are you today?" Asked the lady behind the counter.19
"Pretty good I guess, I'm alive so that's okay," answered Bob.20
"Oh, that is good," smiled the lady. She looked at a list in front of her, "Looks like it's Militia for you, that's the third door on the left," she smiled cheerfully at him, "Next!" 21
"But, but, but, I don't want to go there!" wailed Bob.22
"Next!" snapped the lady behind the counter. She clearly hated people who whined. 23
Bob glared at her, turned, and stalked off down the hall.24
"Hello sir, how are you today?" she asked, her smile returning as Harry stepped up to the counter.25
"Not bad," he said, "Say, don't you get tired of saying that same thing over, and over, and over again?" 26
She looked puzzled, "No. Why should I?"27
It was his turn to look surprised, "Oh. I don't know, just wondering," he mumbled.28
"Right.." she looks at her list again, "Militia for you to, third door on the left. Next!"29
Harry tried not to grin as he hurried down the hall, just incase she decided to send him somewhere else.30
31
The garage was dark, no one had bothered to turn the light on. Four hostages stood in the darkness. 32
"I say, this is dull isn't it?" said one.33
"That's cause the game hasn't started yet," Harry explained patiently.34
"Oh..." 35
"Ah, there we go, the game has started," Harry said.36
"Really? How do you know?" asked the first one.37
"It's easy. The little timer on the bottom of the screen has started ticking down," Harry explained.38
"Ah, I never noticed that before," said the first one.39
"By the way, what's your name?" Harry asked him.40
"I'm Smith, and you are?" 41
"Harry."42
"Nice to meet you Harry," Smith turned to the other two, "Well, you know us, so?" 43
"I'm Bob," said Bob.44
"I'm James," the person named James chimed in.45
"Nice to meet you all," said Smith.46
"Yes, nice to meet you," agreed Harry.47
They were interrupted by the sound of voices out side the door.48
"wer u go" said one voice.49
"2 teh atic" the other one said.50
The door creaked open, and two terrorists ran in. One instantly made his way to the staircase, on the other side of the room, and ran up it. The other one looked around the room quickly, then followed the first up the stairs. 51
"What were they saying? Was it some kind of secret code or something?" asked James his eyes dancing at the thought.52
"So," asked Harry dryly, "This is your first game is it?"53
"Why yes, yes it is. How'd you guess?" replied James, smiling broadly.54
"Oh," Harry shrugged, "Intuition." 55
"To answer your question," Smith volunteered, "No, it is not any form of code, it is Noob speak, all the terrorists speak like that."56
"Oh, so you know what they're saying?"57
"Sort of, I have a basic grasp of the... Language, but no more." 58
"No one should have more than a basic grasp of the... Language," Harry interjected dryly. 59
"How true," Smith agreed.60
"Hey! What does that mean?" James exclaimed excitedly.61
"What? Where?" cried the other three in unison.62
"Up in the top right hand corner of the screen," James replied.63
"Oh, that's the frag counter, shows who killed who," Bob supplied.64
"Ahhhh," James ahhed knowingly, "So blue is the good guys?" 65
"Whoo, stand back people! We are in the presence of a genius here," said Harry, sarcasm dripping from his voice.66
"Hey, cut that out, the counter terrorists are coming to rescue us!" Smith said excitedly.67
"Really? Lets go watch them come!" James said, his whole face lighting up. He didn't wait for the others, but ran to the stairs. Just as the terrorists were coming down. 68
They meet at the bottom.69
"u noob stupd hostge" the first terrorist said.70
"Hey, move it buster, I want to watch, and the window is up there!" James snapped.71
Blam! 72
The sound of the Desert Eagle going off in the small space was deafening.73
James slumped to the ground. 74
"James!" Bob screamed, "You! You! You killed him! He rounded on the terrorist, 'How could you? He just wanted to see what was going on!" he ran at the terrorists, but he could do nothing.75
The terrorists ran out of the room, paying them no heed, except to insult them, "ur gay"76
There was a gurgle from the base of the stairs where James was lying. The others quickly crowded round him. 77
"The... The pixels... Fading..." James' voice was naught but a whisper, "Everything... Going 16... Bit..."78
"No James! Don't die on us!" Smith pleaded, "Your new to this, you can't die!"79
"I see... The bloom... At... The end of... The tunnel..." his head lolled to one side, his eyes closing. 80
"The dirty cheats!" this was Harry, his voice unsteady with anger, "No one, and I mean no one. deserves to die like that!"81
"R.I.P. James, may you find peace in the great High Rise in the sky," Smith said solemnly. 82
They all bowed their heads, and stood in silence for a few seconds, before Bob said: "So, wanna watch the counter terrorists come?"83
"Yeah, sure."84
"Why not?"85
"Lets go then," said Bob, as he turned and made his way up the stairs. 86
87
"Hey look," Bob said, pointing out the window at the Navy Seals who were making their way toward the building, jumping to avoid sniper fire, "Here come the cavalry."88
"Heh, ever wonder why they call them frog men?" queried Harry, he was meet with blank stares, he sighed, "Look at them, hopping along like that, they look just like frogs."89
"Ohhh, I see," said Bob, the light dawning.90
"Hehe, frog men," snickered Smith.91
They were interrupted by the return of the two terrorists. 92
"wat u do here" Asked one, "u sposd 2 b down ther" he went on, indicating down the stairs.93
"msut b servr bug" said the other.94
"Well, we thought we'd pop up here to catch some of the action," Bob explained.95
The terrorist who had spoken just stared at him blankly.96
"There's no point Bob," Smith told him, "They can't understand you, English is not one of their strong points I'm afraid." 97
The terrorists shouldered past them to the window. The first one aimed his AK-47 at one the counter terrorists, he let fire, the room was filled with the slow clunky chatter of the AK-47.98
Out side, the counter terrorist that the terrorist had singled out, dropped under the heavy fire of the AK-47.99
"lol did u c taht" the one at the window asked excitedly, "he came rond teh cornr an i was like boom! head shot! an now ther dancin lol dancin ther dancin pheer me" 100
"lol pwned" the second one grinned, "im gonna ta camp in ther spwn zone"101
"u rulz lol" replied the second one, taking down another counter terrorist, "boom! head shot!"102
The second terrorist turned and ran back down the stairs, leaving the first to hold of the other two incoming counter terrorists. 103
Harry checked the scores, "Hey, those two CTs incoming are the last of the good guys, and that terrorist," he pointed to the one at the window, "and the cheat who's going to go camping, are the last two terrorists." 104
Blam! Blam! 105
Two shots from the AK-47 echoed out.106
~>kane< ~ killed -><~n30~><- 107
"Make that, the one CT out there, and the two terrorists are the last ones," Harry added dryly.108
"Cor blimey," Smith said, indicating to the terrorist at the window, "That makes the fourth CT he's killed. I wish someone would just kill him!"109
No sooner then he finished saying that, then a distant boom of a Desert Eagle could be heard. 110
The head of the terrorist known as ~>kane<~ snapped back. 111
-><~1337m4573r~><- killed ~>kane<~ 112
"Boom! Head shot!" yelled Bob. 113
"Whoo hoo! That makes one dude for each team. You know, we might actually win this!" Smith exclaimed happily.114
"Umm, guys,' Harry interjected, "I hate to burst your bubble, but..." he looked at each of them in turn, "Unless one of you dudes can speak 1337, I think our chances of winning are low." 115
Bob and Smith paused mid jig.116
"Umm, why?" Smith asked suspiciously.117
"Because our little friend, the terrorist, is camping," Harry explained patiently.118
"Erm, so what's that got to do with anything?" asked Bob, raising an eyebrow.119
"Did either of you see what gun he had?" asked Harry, his normally cheerful disposition quickly diminishing.120
Smith and Bob looked at each other, then back to Harry, "Err, no.. Not exactly, no," they replied.121
Harry sighed, "He had an AWM."122
"What's that?" Bob asked innocently.123
"Argh!" Harry wailed, raising his hands to the sky, "Why me? Why is it always me who has to put up with the incompetents? An AWM is an Arctic Warfare Magnum, only the single most powerful gun in the game!" he explained impatiently, "A single shot will pierce any armour, it will kill you no matter where it hits." He paused and thought a moment. "Well, almost anywhere, it doesn't kill if it hits you in the leg... Anyway! Mister Terrorist is camping with it! That is why we have a low chance of winning, unless one of you two can speak 1337, and tell the CT about the camper!" 124
"Ahh, I see," Bob smiled, and then it dawned on him just what Harry had said, and his smile faded, "Ohh..."125
"Yes, 'Ohh...' Is right," Harry sighed.126
They were interrupted by the arrival of the last remaining counter terrorist.127
"I 4m 7h3 31i73 c0m4nd3r -><~1337m4573r~><-, I'v3 c0m3 to 54v3 y0u," he ran up to each of them, tagging them to follow him. He then turned and ran down the stairs. The three hostages ran after him, not just because they wanted to, but they had been tagged, they had to follow who ever tagged them. 128
"Hey Harry, what did he just say?" Bob asked as they ran through the kitchen.129
"I'm not sure, I think it was something about saving us, but I can't be sure," he replied as they rounded the corner.130
They reached the door, the counter terrorist opened it, and carefully checked that the coast was clear, it was, so he ran out.131
"We have to warn him about the camper," Smith said, worry creeping into his voice, "We can't lose after all this!"132
"I agree," said Harry, "So neither of you can speak 1337?" 133
"No, sorry," Bob replied.134
"I can speak a few words, but nothing substantial," Smith said.135
They dodged around a rock, the counter terrorist jumping to avoid the possibilty of being hit by the sniper136
"Ah, good. We need to say something like 'There's a camper waiting in your spawn zone,' " Harry told him. 137
"So, umm, for 'there's,' that's '7' for 'T,' '3' for 'E' and '5' for 'S,' so that makes '7h3r3'5,' one down!" said Smith.138
"Good good. Erm, so that's a '4' for 'A,' '7h3r3 4 c4mp3r,' " Harry muttered. 139
"Come on guys, we don't have much time left," Bob said as they cleared the last rock, and were now heading straight for the tunnel that marked the last leg of the journey to safety.140
"Yeah yeah," replied Harry, sweat starting to appear on his brow, "Umm, 'waiting' Err, that's 'w4i7in9,' 'in' That's, that's, that's just 'in.' "141
They entered the tunnel. 142
The counter terrorist had stopped jumping now, the nearness of safety making him feel confident.143
144
"I've got it!" exclaimed Smith excitedly, "7h3r3'5 4 c4mp3r w4i7in9 in 7h3 5p4wn y0ur z0n3!" 145
Nothing happened, the counter terrorist just kept running.146
"His name! We need his name for him to hear us!" Harry cried frantically. He quickly checked the player list. "-><~1337m4573r~><-, it's -><~1337m4573r~><-!" 147
They reached a bend in the tunnel and went round, the end of the tunnel was now in sight. 148
"H3y! -><~1337m4573r~><-!" Smith yelled.149
This time it worked, the counter terrorist known as -><~1337m4s73r~><- turned around, so he was now running backwards, he looked puzzled that someone had spoken to him.150
"-><~1337m4573r~><-! 7h3r3'5 4 c4mp3r w4i7in9 in 7h3 5p4wn y0ur z0n3!" yelled the now frantic Smith.151
It finally dawned on the counter terrorist what they were saying. He spun around, just as they emerged from the tunnel.152
Light flared as the bloom took effect.153
Bob's mouth formed an O.154
-><~1337m4573r~><- spun back around and tried to aim through the blinding light.155
The terrorist raised his AWM.156
Boom!157
-><~1337m4573r~><- slumped to the ground.158
"Dang! That just sucks," said Harry.159
"Now what?" asked Bob.160
"We do it again, till we die, or the CTs win," Smith told him.161
"Oh."162
Out of nowhere a voice said: "Terrorists win."
Author notes
This is my satire on the degradation of the English language in chat rooms/games/forums/the like. (If you use it, sorry if I offended you, but seriously, it makes you look...A lil stupid) It's set in a computer game Counter-Strike, as people use chat speak in that a lot, and I've actually played it, so I can write a story set in it. hope you all enjoy
"Why did the chicken cross the road? What, you still haven't found out?"
DoozerDan is me username. You only had 5 entries, so I thought I'd boost the numbers some more. (Other story I entered is the Hamlet Soliloquy one, but you know that.)
*Edit* Had to change on of the terrorists names, this place didn't like it, kept getting rid of it should work now.
A contest entry
- Parodies and Satire by tallblondie.
550 points, ended March 31, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Oi. Enter My Contest! :D by RxxSpiritWolfxxJ.
350 points, ended July 6, 11 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Guess the joke's on me! by Ary.
400 points, ended August 11, 12 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - For there will be laughter... by UrbanRealist.
600 points, ended November 21, 16 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
What do you like? What don't you like?
Comments
1 - 27 of 27
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Nicely done. Satire takes the idiosyncracies of culture, whether that be popular culture - or in the case of your story the MRPG culture - and shows the innate comic value of it. This you've done well in this particular piece. I liked the hostage death scene where you've adapted two quite overused cliches and put a unique spin on them so that they matched the theme perfectly. That NPC's have a 'life' outside of just being pixelated pawns is slightly reminiscient of the movie the Thirteenth Floor - where characters within a computer VR simulation not only believe that they are alive, but that their 'life' matters.
Thank you for your entry in this contest.
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Lol this was great! Very original and funny xD Thanks
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You gave it a comic tone and some humorous dialogue, which kept it interesting
Nice active chapter with a lot of action that has a nice brisk pace and makes for some terrific scenes
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Of course I have absolutely no idea what the terrorists or counter terrorists are saying; but the activity going on and the dialogue of the hostages helps the reader follow along and ‘see’ what happening.
Apparently the characters are all involved in a computer or DVD game and the narrator takes the reader along while the game is being played.
The hostages are only bystanders, used something like awards for the winner of the game.
You gave it a comic tone and some humorous dialogue, which kept it interesting even for us ‘older’
folks.
Of course you need a bit of editing (don’t we all) but not enough that it interrupted the flow of the plot.
You are a talented writer (If you use it, sorry if I offended you, but seriously, it makes you look...A lil stupid)
When you say that 
I’m with you all the way and good luck in the contest.
Geri
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Yay! This is the sort of thing I like to hear. That if one actually thinks about it, they can work out what the game is like. And you did a pretty good job. Yes, it's a computer game. Two teams, terrorists and counter-terrorists, the goal is for the terrorists to either plant a bomb, and the counter-terrorists to defuse it. Or the counter-terrorists have to rescues hostages, like here. And well working on that, everyone kills each other, uses that abominable chat speak, and insults everyone else.
Haha. Well, people do look stupid when they use it.
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Ho.
Funny this.
I like the way you created a story in CS - I've played a few too, and this does echo the usgae of weird chat speak in those games.
I like that you chose to do the story from a hostage's pot of view, not a CT or a Terrorist. Innovative.
Thanks for entering and goodluck.
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Hehe, thanks.
Finally! Someone who's played the game!! I don't get many of them reading this story.
It was fun writing from the hostages pot.
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Oi. Spelling typo. I meant hostage's point.
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Well, let's see...I don't play video games, I rather enjoy using proper English when IMing friends just because they lose patience with it, and I definitely don't speak 1337...although I have done enough newspaper criptoquotes to be able to "crack the 1337 code," so to speak. I never understood why anyone would want to use a code that is so obvious to read and such a friggin' pain in the butt to type, ri9h7?
And you know what? Despite my limited understanding of the context, this still made me giggle. Quite a lot. Your characters are always so great - they add entertainment value to anything. Dry humor whets my appetite (yes, that's a pun ). Anyways, nicely done. I'm sure anyone who is actually familiar with the context will get an ever bigger kick out of this than goofy little me. *laughs*
Ah, the joys of satire...
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Well, the thing is, it's not a code, it's a language. From what I can make out. But yes, it is a pain in the bu77 to type, most of the t1m3.
Hehehe, I try so hard (not really (not at all actually)) to make them amusing, it's good to know I pulled something of successfully in this story.
Hehe, "dry humour whets my appetite." Oh Oon-DEE-Nah, so corny.
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Corny I do a-maize-ingly well with. *laughs*
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Yeah, I was pretty clueless too, aside from that they were playing a game. I don't play any of these games and don't use chat speak but got the gist that it was a takeoff on both.
I found it fairly amusing none the less in that the players were clueless as well except for Harry and Smith, though they were too slow to do much good anyway.
Doesn't make me want to play the games or learn chat speak though.
Greg -
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Hehe, thanks for reading, and commenting. When writing this, I tried to write so you older folks might have a chance of comprehension, seems I failed though, anyway... It's not meant to inspire confidence in chat speak. Though I must admit, I do really enjoy the games, just not the people that play them.
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This story totally escapes me. The question for me is: should I run after it and try to capture it? I'm afraid the answer is no. I do not do any gaming other than chess and solitaire (some game that is), and I don't chat or text message or anything like that, so I do not understand the references; but I really don't think that is the problem. The humor seems off the mark to me. The characters seem to have trouble communicating due to the length of their screen names, which I guess is mildly amusing, but not really funny. Humor and satire is difficult to write well, and I do appreciate the effort. Thanks for entering the contest.
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Yeah, I thought it might escape you. Oh well, worth a shot anyway. Thank you very much for commenting, and for taking the time to read through even though it made no sense. The basic point of the story is that a lot of people these days do use chat like that, and it drives me crazy, so I wrote a story poking fun at it.
Anyway, as this makes no sense to you, I'll remove it from the contest, as it's probably not what you're looking for
Thanks anyway.
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I get your point and all but I don't really know anyone who does this so that probably limits my ability to judge. I mean I agree, it's ridiculous but I couldn't really get through this, no offense. It's just not really my thing.
I wish you luck, I'm sorry I didn't understand more
-gibson -
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No offence taken. This story is the sort to only be gotten by people who play games, so hey, not everyones cuppa tea. Thanks for taking the time to commenting!
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Clever
I loved how you melded gamer culture (I laughed at the noob reference) with a 'behind-the-scenes' "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead"-style satire. BTW - these two are bit characters in Hamlet - two messengers, but a modern playwright (Forget who now...) took them both and created this 'world' they existed in before appearing in about 5 seconds on play.
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nice story yes there is no such thing as english in gaming there is 1337 and n00bish
ps i noticed a couple of refrences to pure pwnage especially of fps doug
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Hehe, yep FPS Doug gets a mention in a few of my stories
Thanks for the applause
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I found the banter amusing. I think you actually did a pretty good job plot-wise with this, too. This is a pretty simple comment, but what can I say. I was amused.
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Heh, not bad considering that I wasn't really trying for a plot line, it was just something to help me poke fun at chat speak
Thanks for the applause and comment! Glad it amused you.
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Well I'm not sure if understood this, but thanks for entering and good luck in the contest.
Brooke -
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Hmm, not understand eh? Well, basically it's poking fun at people you use chat speak. I used Counter-Strike (computer game) as my world to write in, 'cause chat speak is used a lot in it, and I've actually played it, so I know what I'm writing about. Haha.
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HAHAHAHAHAH.... niceee,,,, very original... i love ur idea.. and the whole pixels fading.. everything 16 bit was genious...andy obviously hasnt played counterstrike.. btw... if u shoot a persons leg with a magnum then he wont die.. taht cost u an applause... so thats only two applauses for u ... overall it was an interesting read.. and i hope that ull write more of this kinda stuff
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Well glad you liked it. You're the first person to comment on the whole death scene with pixals fading. Yea, I know when you shoot someone in the leg with the AWM it doesn't kill them, but when I wrote this, I hadn't played CS for aaggeeeesss. Anyway, fixed that little discrepancy. Thanks for reading, and the applause!
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Confused
I found this odd and confusing. I also realized there was supposed to be some humor, but it was largely lost on me. This seems to be written well enough, except that I didn't catch some of the terrorists' lingo.
Thanks for entering the new member contest. I hope you are enjoying Storywrite.
Andy
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Heh well, I guess one can't win 'em all. The joke of this story, is to pretty much ridicule anyone who uses any form of Chat Speak, 'cause it makes you look pretty stupid, and hard to understand (as you pointed out in not catching some of their lingo) And Counter-Strike was the world I decided to set my joke in. Make anymore sense?
And yes, I am enjoying Storywrite, thankyou.
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