The gloomy, cloudy sky displayed sinister tones of deep blues, blackened by the lack of any light from neither the sun nor the moon. In the sky there were no stars just perpetual darkness. Everything was absolutely dead silent; not a bird could be seen nor heard at all.1
The heavens above provided a matching contrast to the waters below. The tempestuous, icy, hasty ocean offered not a better sighting than the firmament. Its shadowy greens and shady blues offered a murky, fiery look. The wild, turbulent waters, threw enormous, furious, unstoppable waves crashing against the rocks. 2
Nobody dared approaching the strong currents, yet there she was, a woman, dressed in a simple, long, silky, white robe which floated in the stormy wind; her long hair, untied, untidy, flowed freely in the blustery weather, whipping against her emotionless face. 3
She was standing still, right on the edge of the cold rocky cliff, with the salty water splashing on her face; the furious, gusty wind kept pressing forward, pushing her further to the edge, yet she did not move or react. Her mind was blank, void.4
Her eyes, stone cold, expressionless, looked nowhere. She appeared immobile, like a statue, numb, as if she was in coma. Her arms, extended to their full length, were holding, over the ocean, as if presenting it, the young, cold, frail, lifeless body of her only child.5
A sudden illness, with high fever, bleeding and vomiting, took him away from her; he was indeed her last hope.6
Just a year ago, she was standing right there, witnessing the burial ceremony of her beloved husband. At the time, she was dressed in black, like every other mourning woman.7
What a tragedy! It was an accident that nobody was able to prevent. Her husband’s ship, trapped by the harsh currents, crashed helplessly against the very same rocks, over and over again, crushing the vessel, and drowning its captain with it. 8
The rescue team managed to save most of the crew but for his husband there was no hope of salvation. For him, it was all too little, too late.9
He had spent two years sailing away in the ocean and when he was about to return to her, to put an end to her anguish, his ship was engulfed by the storm and he never set his foot ashore again. He never had a chance to see his son, his heir. 10
Yet, at the time, she had to be strong and brave, for herself and for her son’s sake. Now, father and son would finally had a chance to meet, in the bottom of the deep ocean, where they would both rest in peace.11
All that was left was the widow, the childless mother, in agony and despair, with nothing else left to live for. She was fearless, waiting to be dragged away to her fate by the very same harsh ocean.12
Time was going by, yet, she didn’t move, she didn’t stare, she didn’t feel any more, she was past redemption or pain, she was just standing there, facing the gruesome strength of the inexorable forces of nature.
Author notes
Salve amica, tu es puella.
favorite flower - Lavender
favorite colour - dark red
A contest entry
- You Think You Have What It Takes? by On.Cue.
675 points, ended March 19, 2008, 53 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
Lack of emotion but very nice, vivid imagery! I could picture everything you wrote. However, as others have mentioned, don't overuse adjectives because it hinders the flow of the story at parts. But great job with describing the scenery and everything else =)
-
You have talent, but...
I do agree with the over use of adjectives. For instance:
"The tempestuous, icy, hasty ocean offered not a better sighting than the firmament."
And:
"The wild, turbulent waters, threw enormous, furious, unstoppable waves crashing against the rocks."
I understand you're trying to give it more impact, but that sort of thing has much more impact if it's used sparingly. Try to find other ways to be descriptive without using so many adjectives.
You obviously have talent, so I think it only needs a small amount of refinement.

beginning: 4, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, characters: 3.
-
Good theme
I liked the eternal sea widow story and you had some good individual stanzas [like the boat crashing over and over] but the over use
of adjectives slowed the read and moved the focus from the story to individual words. There was an entry by, I believe Ninja Bubble, that outlined pointers for good writing. Multiple adjectives was one no no.
I was also unclear what happened to the son and was she there to spread his ashes?
It is a good story but I would revise it slightly to better hold the reader's attention.
beginning: 5, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 4, dialog: 4, characters: 3.


