The Avenger1
Chapter 1(Part One)2
Japan3
"Kai don't walk down the same path as me,"the teenage boy said.4
It was raining. Ten year old Kai stood in the rain. The teenage boy had his back to Kai. The teenager also had a sword in his right hand. The teenage boy looked back at Kai. Kai looked at him. The teenage boy's eyes turned red and the back to normal. He walked away. Kaiyen,Kai thought. Kai ran in the teenager boy's direction.5
"Kaiyen!!!!,"Kai yelled.6
The teen stopped. Kai raised his fist.7
Four years later........... A teenage boy was walking through the street. It was crowded with people. The teenager boy's hair fell over his eyes,and the back of his hair went straight back. A rubber band held his hair together to make it go straight back. The teenager also wore a black headband that covered his forehead.8
Four years ago since that day he stole everything from me. I Kai walk a dangerous path,Kai thought. I want revenge. Am I walking down Kaiyen's path,kai thought.9
"Hmmm,I've never seen him since,"Kai muttered.10
Kai walked into a store. The door was open. Swords were everywhere in the store. A middle aged man stood behind the counter. The man had short black hair,he had on a black dress shirt and blue jeans.11
"So Kai your finally going to leave this small town?,"the man said.12
"Yeah Sanzo.There's much more to see than this small town.Plus I have my reasons,"Kai said.13
I have bad memories here,Kai thought. Kai sighed. I'm going to search for him,Kai thought.14
"Your going to buy a sword today?,"Sanzo asked.15
"Yeah I want a long sword,"Kai said.16
The man came from behind the counter and showed Kai over to a rack of swords.17
"Pick one of your choice,"Sanzo said.18
Kai browsed through the rack of swords with his hand until he suddenly grabbed a sword. Kai felt a pulse. This is the one,Kai thought. Kai picked it up.19
"Okay,"Sanzo said.20
They went back over to the counter. Kai payed for it.21
"Before you go I want to give you something,"Sanzo said.22
Sanzo went to the back of the sword and returned with a blue sash.23
"Take this for luck,"he said.24
Kai wrapped the sword around his waist with the blue sash.25
"Until next time,"Kai said.26
Kai turned and left. Kai stepped outside. Kai looked at the sun. A beautiful day,Kai thought. Kai looked up at the sun. A beautiful day in Japan,Kai thought. Suddenly Kai heard a cry for help. Kai sighed. What a drag,some excitement before I leave town,Kai thought.27
Kai looked to his right and saw a crowd of people gathered around something.Kai calmly walked over to the crowd to see what was going on.A young man with spikey hair pointed a gun at a woman with dark black hair.The woman wore a blue kamono.The man with the gun had on a tight black t-shirt that showed all his muscles and he had on dark black jeans.28
"What is going on?,"Kai asked.29
A girl probably one year older than Kai stood next to him.She had long black hair.She had on a blue and white kamono.30
"The man didn't pay for his bill,so the lady came after him and the next thing you know he pulls a gun on her.Hi my name is Akira,"the girl said.31
Akira gave Kai a friendly smile.32
"I have also heard this guy is a troublemaker and his name is Kankuro,"Akira said.33
"Listen lady back off or I wont hesitate to pull the trigger,"Kankuro said.34
"I just want you to pay the bill,"the lady said shyly.35
"Shut it,"Kankuro said.36
Kai put a hand on his sword.Suddenly a teenager older than Kai stood in front of the lady.The teenager had a sword strapped to his side with a sash.The boy was wearing a japanesse karate outfit.It was all black.The boy had long blonde hair.37
"I think you should put that gun down,"the teenager boy said.38
Kai had a shocked expression on his face.39
"That's big talk coming from a teenage brat,"Kankuro said.40
Kankuro was abput to pull the trigger but in a blink of a eye the teenager boy disapeared and was standing next to Kankuro.His sword was in his hand.Kankuro had a smirk on his face.The teenager boy slowly put his sword in his sheath..Suddenly Kankuro's gun split in half at the exact moment the boy's sword was in it's sheath.Kankuro's smirk disapeared and he had a shocked expression on his face.41
"What the?!,"Kankuro yelled.42
"Wow,it was so quick I could barely keep up.Before he pulled the trigger he took action,"Kai thought.43
"What a sharp sword,"Akira said.44
Kankuro threw down his gun and ran away.45
"What a waste of time,"the teenager said.46
The teenager boy turned around and was about to leave.Kai suddenly noticed a symbol of a red dragon on the back of his uniform.47
"Hold on,"Kai said.48
The teenager boy turned to face Kai.49
"What is your name?,"Kai asked.50
"Riyaku,"he said.51
Kai drew his sword slowly.52
"Let's fight,"Kai said.53
Riyaku had a smirk on his face.Riyaku slightly turned to his side.Riyaku's eyes stayed focused on Kai.Riyaku's knees were slightly bent,his left hand holding his sheath and his right hand over is the sword but not on it."Is that a stance,"Kai thought.54
"I'll finish you with one swing of my sword,"Riyaku said.55
Akira stood in awe.56
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Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Nice story and great description of action - though did you know that Kai is a Chinese name? - but anyway, my one problem with this is that the plot was a little hard to follow with the speediness of it all.
The action was good; don't get me wrong, but it skipped really quite quickly ahead from the boy's past to the present. Buying the sword was quicker than I'd imagined, and I don't think Akira ever got her money back - but on the other hand, the sudden appearance of the boy with the red dragon on his back was interesting. Is Kai going to fight him to test out his new sword? Or to perhaps impress Akira? Hope you're going to continue this. It's fast paced and, personally, I'm intruiged!
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Good so far.
Good so far and I want to read some more of your story alittle more and I couldn't stop reading and I didn't want to put the story down on this.
I hope that you've wrote more chapters on this story.
It is very creative and I like the writing.
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 4, characters: 4.
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It didn't really catch my attention and hold it but the story has great potential.
I suggest a quick proofread to deal with a few minor grammar issues but all in all it was still a good story.
Keep working on it because I think it will turn out great!
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good start Kyoshoro If you just put a little bit more emotion, description, and imagery into it, it could be something really great.
You have a great story going, it just needs a bit of editing. I enjoyed reading it over all
I havnt talked to you in a while T-T lol. -
I felt like I was watching a video game, the diologe seemed very forced, and blunt. There was no emotion, in just jumped from one part to the next. You used Kai's name way to many times, it gets destracting, for example-
(Kai) turned and left. (Kai) stepped outside. (Kai) looked at the sun. A beautiful day,(Kai) thought. (Kai) looked up at the sun. A beautiful day in Japan,(Kai) thought. Suddenly (Kai) heard a cry for help. (Kai) sighed. What a drag,some excitement before I leave town,(Kai) thought.27
8 times in one paragraph, try saying he, his, or combining sentences to avoid the repetative use of the word.
You should try and describe more then you do. What does the teenage boy in the beginning look like? What the shop look like, more? What does the sword(s) look like?
Draw things out more, give it more context, so it sounds less like a cheap video game, and more like a well thought out story.
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It was interesting. How many people just say lets fight though. Its a good start though
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not bad i guess, could use a little work, more description, more environment, but its a good start
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