THE DEATH OF KINGS - INTRODUCTION1
In a time nearly forgotten, back when the gods were still strong, and those that believed in them were without doubt, an ancient, vastly unknown tale was spun. When the gods were separated, each kingdom’s own oblivious to all around them, the dictation of a man was told around warriors’ fires. Stricken by numerous antagonists, he traveled through desert regions, fleeing for reasons he did not know. This is that heroic story…perhaps unheroic. The things that transpire within it can sparsely be attributed with the work of heroes, for the efforts of normal men are so greatly swayed by gods.2
Nevertheless, listen to these long unspoken words.3
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THE DEATH OF KINGS - PROLOGUE5
Within an evening sky and under a yellow moon above, the air’s stillness was cut clean by a whistling on the breeze. It flew as a specter across the desert sand below, past all the spindly trees and branches, twirling its wooden body, its head glinting in the dawn. Over a courtyard burdened with glyphs, an opening approached it quickly in the night. Unexpected and almost silent, it entered through into the shadowed house.6
Sleepily, Kayun stood next to his bed; his wife still slept peacefully. With a yawn he turned towards the window and moon outside, admiring the stars. One of them winked.7
Instantly an arrow plunged into the man, forcing its way through his chest, cracking bones and blood vessels until its iron tip spurt through his back. Gaping at the orange sun lifting in the distance, his crimson liquid shimmered in the light. It soaked his waking robe, dripped down his torso and legs, and bathed his feet. Desperately, the man tried to call for help but the blood at his lips gurgled his voice. Looking at his hands and clenching the end of arrow, he fell to his knees and toppled over backwards onto the stone. 8
The light steps of a too-early awoken child arrived just outside the room of her father. Quietly, her small hands pulled back the cloth of the draped doorway as her eyes peeped in. Aghast, she stood rigid as she brought her hands to her mouth and screamed. Her shriek pierced the sleeping household. Kayun’s wife jumped in her bed, bolting upright, strands of hair flying from her face. “Geldeea! Why did you—“ and then she saw it: her husband, murdered, lying by the window. Geldeea ran to her mother’s arms as her mother, Nuranna, called for a slave. Ten came, nearly squeezing to get through the door and into the room. Their expressions were varied among revulsion and shocked gladness.9
“Run an alert!” yelled Nuranna. “Find the assassin!”10
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Behind the edge of a dune, an archer lay on his stomach, the bow firm in his vein-looped grasp. His eyes were bloodshot and his mouth cracked slightly revealing sand-encrusted teeth. He gazed at his target, trying to prove to himself that he had finished his task. An unsettling scream and chorus of laments billowed into the air, answering his unending thought. Numerous shouts of cries and alarms filled the home before him, permeating the morning air. Silently, the man crept away past the shrubs hiding his body. His expression never changed.12
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Back in the house, amidst all the moans and tremblings, the Egyptian queen still lay in her bed. Only, her eyes did not leak. Her face was set in apathy. Everything about her was calm where she lay, her form dark in the dawn’s shadow. Geldeea had been joined by her two younger brothers and now stood near the window as servants covered the pharaoh with linens. 14
Tears wet the siblings’ cheeks as messengers came into the bedroom. A few minutes later, they were sent away with scrolls strapped to their belts. With every stride of their bare legs across the great estate, they spread the alarm to its every corner and member. Messages were sent out quickly, and chariot riders carried the news to every city and settlement: “The pharaoh, Kayun Tepet, has been murdered!” The half-god had died, immediately alerting those that were whole. 15
He had only gotten up to stretch.16
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Author notes
Chapter One: http://storywrite.com/story/162744
In a list
A contest entry
- 1st Contest by Ashleigh London.
300 points, ended April 10, 15 entries
Honorable winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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The intro starts strong, but becomes not as clear. It seems that if he has many antagonists that would be his reason to flee, and if it is not then maybe separate the sentences. It was just a bit muddled.
The prologue was simply incredible though. I love the suspension at the beginning, how you showed their emotions and how you portrayed the shooter as indifferent -
brovo brava... just wonderful... the descriptions are imaculate... I just love it already.
chey-bear -
Yep, I think this is a pretty good beginning to a much larger story. Excellent imagery and description. Should be interesting seeing where this goes!
. Rewarded 4
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Great start! I really enjoyed it. Definitely keep it up! bri
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I think this is a great start to a longer piece - I like the setting, and the brief insight into the various characters circling the pharaoh's death. The first line was a bit long and convoluted to pack too much of a hook-punch, but your last sentence was superb and promises that you can write a good story!
I love the details you've included - I think the way details are handled in a story is a sure sign of the writer's ability to craft. Nicely done.
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Well this does most certainly seem interesting. Though I really would prefer some more detail on the characters in your story... Although I do realize this is a prologue. So no worries... anyway... I agree with the comment below mine, your word choice and imagery is superb and I think this will pan out to be a wonderful story. Thank you for entering and good luck.
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I love your usage of words. Great job. This grabs your attention from the beginning and keeps it until the end. It makes you want to read more because of all the unanswered questions. Very good.
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HI ANDREW!
I haven't left a comment on your stories in a while! I'm sorry! Well once again, you amazed me with your choice of words and the descriptions you worded so BEAUTIFULLY. Despite my not commenting your work never seizes to amaze me! Bravo!
|x|Mel|x|
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Wow, not bad. Your descriptions were excellent, your 'narrative voice' inspired. The only thing I found wrong was a tense change from present to past going into the last paragraph that threw me a little off. Oh, and it was quite simply too short. More please!
Your attention to detail was outstanding. You should definitely continue this story.
. Rewarded 6
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Wow! Andrew this was so great! I absolutely loved it! The wording and the story line....just wow! I'm still too jealous of you! Haha! Great job and I can't wait until you post more of this story! I'll be waiting
!
Morning Star. Rewarded 4
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I liked this, It was very discriptive, and suked me in. Good luck in the contest!
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Interesting... in a good way. I didn't really think that it would be the kind of story that appealed to me when I first started reading it, but by the time that I got to the last line I was totally enthrawled and want more.
Excellent job! Your descriptions were very keenly penned, and the way that you described everything and the way that you made your story progress just really drew me in. I really, really like how in the last line you bring in the theme of the Pharaoh being a half god and dying, that's really intriguing.
Mixing Egyptians and fantasy... original.
Keep writing!. Rewarded 8
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A thrilling beginning. Slightly difficult to follow, but I assume the other chapters will explain a little further
The phrasing you chose made it ambiguous in some places...perhaps that's what you want. Other than those few things, I'm hooked! I'll definitely be reading Chapter 1!!
Jazzy
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A very interesting concept! I've never read a story about Egyptians before, but this appeals to me greatly. I loved the description of the archer: 'vein-looped hands' and 'sand-encrusted teeth'. Considering how close these two are, perhaps sand-encrusted could lose the hyphen. Your grammar is perfect as far as I can tell. Good ending, good beginning, good everything. Nice work!
. Rewarded 8
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O.o very interesting i cant wait to read more of your story....Also i love how you ended the introduction "listen to these long unspoken words."
very good
Stevie
. Rewarded 4
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