Just Me-3

Chapter Three1

I am on the African plains. 2

Well, yah know, a guy can pretend to be one of those lions Annie and I watched roaming Television Land. Kind of spooky, the way animals and people on the TV are so tiny. The first time I saw Ben turn on that set, I yelped and scurried under the couch. I would have stayed there, but Ben’s laughing and Annie’s coaxing drew me out. 3

And of course, Kelsey’s snickering hoots of, ‘Boo! Boo! Boo!’ embarrassed me into a show of courage. So I sat on Annie’s lap shivering when the lion roared until I realized he was hardly bigger than one of my chew toys.4

”The sky is a dozen shades of blue,” the narrator said, “And the sun varying shades of yellow bordered by fiery orange.”5

Who said I couldn’t see color? I can see as well as feel a beautiful afternoon. Today is as great here as it is in that Africa place. Annie told me it’s summertime, I was born in April so I been around a while. Next week I get my Rabies vaccination. Not sure what that is but it sounds important and I get to ride in the car. Kelsey snickered when I told her that but then the bitch is always making me feel stupid.6

The high grasses between the bushes that Ben can’t reach with that chomping machine provided excellent camouflage from which to stalk the birds and squirrels invading my territory. In the business of chasing I far exceed Kelsey. She’s so big and loud the prey hears and sees her before she can get close. She tries hard but they always get away. They don’t escape me so easily. I have several tuffs of gray fur and numerous tail feathers buried with my other valuables. Kelsey only has a few silver coins, some buttons and screws secured with her bones in her hidey-holes.7

A golden tiger with emerald eyes is me. I wiggled along on my belly sighting on a plump gray squirrel. He was sitting up taunting me. I leaped. He jumped, ran, and scurried up a tree only inches away from my snapping jaws. Blast it! Well at least Kelsey didn’t witness my failure. She had accompanied Ben on an afternoon jaunt.8

Kelsey bragged about their jaunts like I should envy her—so I pretended I did. Ben ran on those long legs of his, with Kelsey’s leash hooked to his belt. Ben was so proud of her, she said. Other humans would stare in admiration when they saw them. Me for one didn’t see much to admire. She looked okay when they started out, prancing along kinda like my Pops did. Then they returned with Ben running stiff-legged and Kelsey trudging like she was trying to pull her paws out of sucking-mud. Now, watching that was great fun!9

Unable to collect bounty from the squirrel, I rolled in the grass for a time then tried to catch my tail. I’m always unsuccessful at that maneuver and it made me sad for then I remembered what fun it was to tug on my sisters’ tails while they squirmed and yipped. A few times I had grabbed Son’s tail and was instantly sorry—for then I did the squirming and yipping. 10

I noticed movement on the far fence. I crouched in the grass. A tree branch heavy with leaves drooped on the spikes of that fence and sometimes a squirrel would wait there until Annie called me in. Then I could see them from window at the bird feeder laughing at me. Again there was a slight rustling of the leaves. I wiggled along the ground as quiet as I could. Something was in that branch! A pesky squirrel. Keeping to the high grass, my nose to the ground, my legs bent beneath my belly, making myself as small as possible I slithered along. Determined to get me another trophy, I was almost at the fence when a flash of gold showed between the green leaves. I stopped. A golden squirrel? 11

Suppressing the urge to bark, I watched breathlessly. The leaves parted. A tiger! The emerald eyes were staring at me. Its mouth split and a pink tongue snaked out. Nonchalantly it lifted its paw and began to lick it. Then it slapped its striped tail against the fence and sort of rolled its head. It stood up, easily perching on those narrow spikes, and the golden fur rolled and unrolled as if there was nothing beneath it. 12

‘A pitiful excuse for a dog.’ The words came from a throat that seemed to be yawning instead of talking. I hadn’t planned on a conversation so I was at a loss for words. I lay there staring at the strange beast, worrying how dangerous it could be, wondering which idea was best, stay real still—or run yelping for the backdoor.13

I’d almost opted for the run when it said, ‘This is Kelsey’s dig. When did you move in?’ as if I’d polluted the neighborhood. 14

‘Kelsey’s still here.’ I said while stretching my neck as high as it would go. Just a slight reminder that Kelsey was one big dude and, ‘We live together.’15

‘Hmmm...’ It stretched one paw straight up in the air and rippled her back fur in that weird way. ‘Kelsey must be thrilled with that.’16

‘We make do.’17

‘Suppose Kelsey doesn’t have a choice.’ It yawned displaying little pointy teeth. Then it looked at the end of the paw it had just stretched and …Damn! It unsheathed some deadly appearing long white nails and for an instant, I pictured my red blood dripping from them. Again the backdoor looked inviting, but I hated putting my tail between my legs and running. Like Pops would say, try logic. ‘Do you have a dig nearby?’18

‘Muffin!’ It snarled. ‘I own the little brat next door.’19

Muffin? I gathered she was telling me her name. She was more the color of the stuff Annie spread on Ben’s muffins. I didn’t mention this fact only asked, ‘So what’s a brat?’20

‘A small human.’ She spread her jaws so again her fangs showed. ‘They can be fun, but mostly they’re disagreeable creatures. You have to train them from the start or they think they own you.’ She licked her paw, ran it across her snout several times, than yawned to expose her teeth. ‘In my case, I own this tiresome six- year- old girl. She rides me around in a carriage with her doll.’21

And I remembered, Kelsey had said Annie wanted one of those brats. Would Ben give her one? Muffin hadn’t sounded too thrilled with hers. I figured the more I kept Muffin yapping the less apt she’d be to stick them fangs in me, so I asked, ‘You don’t like to ride in the carriage?’22

‘Oh, that’s all right. It’s when she puts those stupid clothes on me. That’s when I gave her a few scratches to teach her who’s boss.’ She took her time lifting one paw then the other allowing me an excellent view of her exposed claws as she examined them. ‘Mind you, I only used a light touch. A nice red shade without blood. The brat yowled as if I’d torn the hide off her arm.’ The golden fur rippled down Muffin’s back as if the spine beneath were shivering. ‘Ah yes, Lucy refused to let the brat torment me for nearly a week.’ She stretched, arching her neck, and then let her tail swish slowly back and forth.23

Was she preparing to pounce! Lucy? ‘Who’s Lucy?’ I stood up with the question, preparing myself for quick flight. I didn’t care for nice red shades marking my hide either. With any luck and a lot of speed I might make the porch. 24

Muffin sat back on her haunches and moved her head side to side. ‘Oh do sit still. You are the most nervous pooch—I can’t imagine how Kelsey tolerates you. Lucy, of course, is the brat’s mum. She had a pops too, when I first moved in but he’s gone now. That’s fine because all he did was yell. So what do they call you?’25

I thought about that for a whole second. Afraid she’d accuse me of not having a name I blurted out, ‘Arnold.’ I could have said runt considering the response I got. 26

‘Arnold? Arnold, ar…no…ld,” came out mixed in with hoots and yowls. Muffin leaped in the air and disappeared over the fence.27

‘Rrrrr grrrr …’ Kelsey came bounding across the yard. Oddly her jaunt hadn’t taken its usual toll or something revived her. She came to a skidding halt at the fence, just missed smashing into it, while she kept up that incessant barking. I was slinking away when she turned on me. ‘You let that feline menace in my yard!’ She swatted me and I did a head over paws tumble twice before landing on my back.28

“KELSEY! You cut that out!” Ben yelled but didn’t come to my rescue. He parked on the ground pushing and pulling on his legs and feet. This was his post jaunt ritual. “Leave Arnold be,” wasn’t nearly as strong as I could have hoped for. 29

‘Yip, yip, I thought I was chasing a squirrel.’ I sniveled in self-defense while rolling on to my belly with my nose pressed into the ground. I even tinkled a little to prove how scared I was.30

‘You are a sorry sight.’ Kelsey shook herself all over; tossing her large head left to right, and then plopped down. She cradled her muzzle on her front paws and glared at me. ‘Dumb, dummier, dumbest,’ She seemed to be changing my name. ‘You have no idea what a cat is? It’s a dirty rotten pest worse than any squirrel because humans let them live in our houses. They get fed better than we do, bathe in our water dish, walk all over the chairs and tables—climb on the drapes and scratch up anything that takes their fancy—that includes a stupid pup.’ Kelsey closed her eyes and sighed.31

Content with Kelsey in a teaching mood, I wiggled closer and spread out. ‘Did that cat live here?’32

‘In a rat’s ass,’ Kelsey growled low in her throat. ‘I would have taken that orange nuisance by her tail and tossed her out the first window. She’d fly higher than a stupid pup.’33

‘I suppose cats are bothersome…’ I wanted to change her train of thought as I had a quick flash of Arnold crossing the sun. ‘Do humans like them better than us?’34

Kelsey opened her eyes in that stare that sends shivers darting all over me. She groaned, ‘I don’t think so. Cats are just obnoxious and demanding creatures—who do nothing for no one and some humans like that. They say they’re independent—shit, like to see where they’d crap if humans didn’t clean their litter box—probably poop on the floor like you.’35

Not daring to argue that I went on newspaper, which Annie said was very smart, I stupidly asked, ‘What’s a litter box?’36

‘Dumb, dummier, dumbest,’ came out through a yawn as Kelsey closed her eyes. Apparently the lesson on cats was over for now.37

A slight breeze had kicked up and Kelsey’s warm belly looked appealing, I wiggled closer to take advantage of a pleasant snooze in the soft grass.38

I looked up and saw that branch hanging on the fence move slightly. I watched the golden face peek through. Muffin wore a grin as she regally perched on a thin spike, and leisurely cleaned those unsheathed claws.39