Submit hard-won salary
to a grinning thug,
gun in hand.1
Last glint of gold
is sold
for right to gasp last words to God:
"Why?"2
(*click*)3
A gun blasts.
A man grins.4
Baby is choking
on Mama's blood.5
Corruption:
Nothing will halt it.6
All is ruin.
All is rot.7
Author notes
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
No 'e's, less than 50 words, and no pronouns. If I missed any of these in the bulk of the poem, please point 'em out so I can change them.
Also, I really really like long titles. (Although I don't think the 'e' rule should count for the title).
This was written after reflection upon Brazil's City of God, where innocent people die every single day in one of the worst slums on the planet. See the documentary movie "City of God" if you don't believe me.
A contest entry
- The Poet's Challenge -- Round IV by Asfand.
100 points, ended February 5, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I actually didn't notice the lack of 'e's until you mentioned it in the author's note; then I did a double-take and went through it again, and sure enough, there were none. Not impossible, but certainly not an easy task to avoid using English's favourite vowel. Congrats on the technical aspects of this, but even more so on the work as a whole. This was a straightforward, bluntly told poem that drove the point home and hammered it in with enough nails to keep the dead down. Depressing as all get-out, but with an important message to share. Well done.
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Nice! It's great! The part that I don't quiet like is the (*click*) part. Why don't you say something like "click th
Other than that, lovely and gloomy all in one! -
Well you're depressing aren't you ...
I really loved the way you captured a moment. The instant 'click' is priceless. Loved the short frequent messaging that just bites out and hits you deep.
Overall, a very well crafted piece! -
Atmospheric...
..and very scary. The contrast between wealth and poverty in that city is stark. When I read your poem I can smell the decay. That programme made me despair at how cheap human life can become when you strip away the
vaneer of civilisation. -
Ahhh...this is a really good poem ><' I don't know how on earth I'm supposed to compete with this ><'
Lol now I'm nervous. Good job though, I really liked it ^^
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