Constant Thoughts

I was lost among my own dreams today.  I awoke upright on the couch as the minutes melted away.  Life always seems to slip by.  My migraines come and go, but I'm always the same in everyone else's eyes.  Why do I laugh at myself for crying?  Why do I curse myself for laughing?  My mind is swollen, and the ice is no longer solid.  Do I ever make any sense?  I feel as if I walk along these empty dirt roads singing to myself and everyone else goes on with their life.  So I've made an impact on many, but I haven't impacted myself in the same way.  Punishment is inevitable, but it can be pushed away for a moment.  I'm such a horrible person sometimes, but no one sees that.  I have such strange shit constantly running through my bloody head, but the oblivious crowd just hears my thoughtless giggles.  Maybe I'm just laughing at myself.  Maybe nothing else has ever really been funny to me... maybe I just think life is humorous.  That's how you live through it, right?  G-d laughs at all of us, if there is a G-d.  But you know what?  I laugh at him too.  Apparently he created this beautiful world... but beauty is in the eye of the beholder.  I behold nothing but pain and bull shit.  What is love but a continuous let down?  Love has repeatedly tried to murder me, and I am only 16.  Does the heartbreak multiply from year to year?  Will I ever truly be happy?  Is there really anything even remotely like a prince charming for me out there?  I'm clinging to this empty cliff with a silent hope that things will work out someday.1