Back When Life Was Good

When I was young I didn’t have anything to worry about.  When I was young I was a carefree little kid who loved being the unique Jewish kid, and always thought smoking was so dangerous and disgusting.  I never had one thought of suicide, depression, or death.  I just thought life was a fun game of Pretty Pretty Princess or Candyland.  Life was so much simpler when the downers were skinned knees, and being called names.  I wasn’t phased by rainy days; I loved them just as much as sunny ones.  I would always skip around the puddles in my front yard singing to myself.  I still sing… but the tunes aren’t so bright anymore.  Now I’m like the caged bird, belting out my emotions in a flow of rhythmic notes.  I make my own music now as I did then.  I now strum a guitar instead of clutching the plastic guarding on the chains of my childhood swing set.  I’ve replaced my one battered composition book with a dozen overflowing journals.  1

I could barely spell my last name back then, and now I’m exploring the entire English language.  Once upon a time, my favorite word was “weird.”  I was one of the first children to learn how to spell that.  I felt like such a clever girl.  Years have gone by, and I still have a love for words, I still even feel like a bit of a clever girl.  I may feel a bit clever, but loneliness has joined that feeling.  I don’t think I ever really felt lonely as a child.  I was always in the company of Barbie and her family, and my collection of Cabbage Patch Kids or American Dolls, and that was more than enough for me.  I was even my own company.  I could entertain myself for hours just daydreaming, or making up songs on the spot.  I’ve always had quite an imagination.2

I wish I could go back to a day when I was naïve.  When I believed in fairytales, and Santa Claus, and life was good over-all.  Now I’m angry that I was fed that bullshit, because it only made it harder for me to endure the reality.  Life is hardly what I would consider a fairytale.  It is so much unlike a fairytale that it has made me refuse to really believe there is a G-d.  How can you believe someone created this beautiful world, and now when its being completely shit on, nothing is happening.  Why would the creator of such an amazing thing watch all of this horrible shit happen to his/her greatest achievement.  Kids don’t even think that for into it.  They believe what their parents’ believe, for the most part.  G-d is great, and life is good, and that’s all there is to it.  I wish that were true.3