Something That I Never Had

"Do you see me?
Do you feel me like I feel you?
Call your number
I cannot get through
You don’t hear me
I don’t understand
When I reach out
I don’t find your hand
Were they wasted words?
Did they mean a thing?
All this precious time
But I still feel so in between" 1

Kara always had a negative self-image. To anyone on the street, she was just a blonde girl dealing with the eternal curse of teen angst. To people at school, she was an overemotional crybaby. To adults, she was pretty average. Any friends she had considered her a little eccentric (code for “loveably insane”).2

In her eyes, Kara was a useless, brainless idiot.3

For years, Kara had been excluded by her classmates who judged her before they took the time to get to know her. Third grade, right up through eighth grade, she had been teased and attacked. Kara counted only two real friends in all those years, and they weren’t much of an airbag no matter how much they tried. Then, in ninth grade, she met the man of her dreams.4

His name was Eric Prince, and he was everything Kara had ever dreamed of – Aaron Carter eyes, Leonardo DiCaprio hair, he was GORGEOUS! And his attitude was as great as his looks. He was the only one to truly notice Kara for who she really was – or so she thought. For one glorious year Kara was happy. Normally she hated high school guys – they were always shallow and jerky and only cared about how many bimbos they could jump in bed with – but she honestly believed that Eric was different.5

That fateful day, when she walked into an empty classroom during lunch, when she caught him making out with the hot brunette from pre-calculus, has haunted her for six months. Kara honestly believed that he was the one. How could he? Why the hell did he do this?6

"Someday
I just keep pretending
That you’ll stay
Dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on
But it hurts so bad
I can’t keep something
That I never had" 7

Eric had made Kara feel like someone important. Kara has more confidence in herself because of him. Now…back to square one. Her friends notice this retraction into herself and tried to turn her around, but to no avail.8

"I keep telling myself
Things can turn around with time
And if I wait it out
You could always change your mind
Like a fairy tale
Where it works out in the end
Can’t I close my eyes,
Have you lying here again?" 9

Kara couldn’t take it anymore. This pain kept intruding into her dreams and ruining her life, and the slightest thing set her off crying.10

"Then I come back down
Then I fade back in
Then I realize
It’s just what might have been11

Someday
I just keep pretending
That you’ll stay
Dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on
But it hurts so bad
I can’t keep something
That I never had" 12

Every day, Kara would see Eric sucking faces with that petite little brunette and wonder, ‘Why? I thought we were happy together. I thought you cared about me. What made you change your mind?’ Her friends gave her various answers – “He’s a retarded moron who made the biggest mistake of his life!” “He’s a pervert wasting space on this planet!” – but Kara still felt a degree of loyalty to him. Every time her friends made those remarks, she closed herself away and deafened herself to their words, yet she knew they were right.13

"Am I a shadow on your wall?
Am I anything at all?
Anything to you?
Am I a secret that you keep?
Do you dream me while you’re sleeping
After all?" 14

Kara finally snapped. She marched right up to Eric and showed him what happened when you screwed over a member of the McKean family. Kara began punching and kicking and swearing and, eventually, landing a couple days of in-school suspension.15

She sat in the stall in the office and began crying – over her punishment, over her rotten semester…over her broken heart and what could have been.16

"Someday
I just keep pretending
That you’ll stay
Dreaming of a different ending
I wanna hold on
But it hurts so bad
I can’t keep something
That I never had" 17

It seemed funny that her favorite song was by Lindsay Lohan, because it described her situation perfectly. As she wept, fragments of the lyrics floated through her head.18

"You don’t see me
You don’t feel me like I feel you…"