All My Trials

ALL MY TRIALS1

The Elvis Copyright Case2

It wasn't that often that Justice Len McCartney was able to perform before a packed public gallery, but this would be the day. This was the proverbial it, the biggest trial in the world since OJ Simpson. McCartney J carefully dusted off his blue suede shoes, which he had bought for the occasion, and strode into the courtroom.3

"All rise!" called the court officer.4

The public galley was quiet for just a moment, except for a couple of cultists who continued to quietly hum Stuck on You. These cultists firmly believed that Elvis would rise from the dead and lead them to a better life. And why not - as they reasonably pointed out, Tony Bennett had achieved at least the first part of that requirement in the 1990s.5

"Please be seated."6

"I now declare the case of Presley v Sophisticated Music Inc open."7

McCartney J took what would be the first of many sips of water from his glass and began.8

"Well, let's get started then. Who represents the plaintiffs?"9

A smart young barrister fairly leapt to her feet and declared "May it please the court, Dana Polanski for the plaintiff, instructed by John Proudfoot of Allen, Allen, Allen, Allen, Allen and Hemsley". An accountant-like figure beside her stirred slightly, as if to alert the judge to its existence, and then sank slowly into insignificance once more.10

"And the defendants?"11

A man in his mid-thirties, with a very loud suit and pony tail, rose and declared "Sophisticated Music Inc is represented by my good self, Dean James, instructed by James Hendricks of Byrne, Weymouth, Harrison and Frantz, your Honour."12

An audible "Yo, your Honour!" rang around the courtroom.13

"Oh God" said McCartney, but only to himself.14

McCartney’s associate stood to read out the agreed facts. "On 16 August 2027, the defendant Sophisticated Music Inc released three CD singles onto the market. The first was a version of Heartbreak Hotel performed by a band known as Dead Zepellin, who are signed to the Sophisticated label, and was described by Sophisticated's music director as a 'real cool way out grunge metal' rendition of the song. Copyright in the song is, or was, owned by the plaintiffs. The second was a version of Always on my Mind, performed by the Beach Shop Boys, also signed to the Sophisticated label, and described by the aforementioned manager as a 'sizzling dance track'. It is described by almost everyone else as a 'crappy techno version', and naturally went to No.1 in its first week of release. Copyright in the song is, or was, also owned by the plaintiffs. Finally, a band known as Finest Cannabis, another band signed to the Sophisticated label, released a version of Suspicious Minds, in a reggae style. Again, copyright is, or was, owned by the plaintiffs, represented here by Ms Lisa-Marie Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc.15

The 60-year-old Lisa-Marie looked McCartney squarely in the eye. The only other direct heir to the Presley fortune, Priscilla Presley, had also died, in a dreadful overacting accident.16

"What is the claim of the plaintiffs?" inquired McCartney, wondering to himself how anyone would dare bring back Always on my Mind. 17

Polanski shot to a vertical position in what was again a worryingly lively manner. "My clients claim that the original holder of copyright in the aforementioned songs, Mr Elvis Aaron Presley, did not die on August 16 1977 as stated by the defendants. He was in fact spirited away by the CIA, after death threats, relating to a cocaine ring that Mr Presley had infiltrated at the behest of that organisation, had been made against the aforementioned Mr Presley. A dummy was buried in Mr Presley's coffin, and he lived quietly in the town of Emphysema, New Hampshire, until he passed away on 28 June 1999. His family never formally informed of this, have found out only through exhaustive research of CIA files, and were never able to contact him before his death".18

"I've been in contact with him since", exclaimed a third-generation hippie towards the back of the courtroom. "He says he's very happy but he wishes he could get a Big Mac with fries in Heaven."19

"Lies! Still he lives!" screamed the cultists. "For is it not written in the Book of The King, Chapter 2 verse 13, 'I will love you longer than forever!' He lives forever..."20

"Order!" shouted McCartney, finally losing his patience. "We will have an orderly trial here or I will have the public galleries cleared. Is that clear?"21

There were muted murmurs of assent throughout the courtroom.22

"Thank you. Mr James, please proceed."23

"Thank you, your Honour." Dean James proceeded in a distinctly plummy accent. "Elvis Aaron Presley died on 16 August 1977. This is a fact, and no spurious conspiracy theories can prove otherwise."24

Some of the cultists, as well as a group of people who looked like they had seen too many episodes of the X-Files too may times, appeared as if they were about to start up again, but McCartney stared them down. 25

James paused and began again. "On 16 August 2027, Mr Presley had been dead for fifty years. Under Australian law, the copyright in Mr Presley's songs expired on that date. I appreciate that Ms Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc may, as a beneficiary of Mr Presley's will, still hold copyright in those songs for the purposes of the law of the USA, where copyright persists from 75 years of the date of publication."26

McCartney wryly noted that some of the audience was drifting off at this point. For God's sake, they had not come to a trial to hear dull legal arguments! Get on with it, they were silently saying. The small alcove of Elvis impersonators looked to be silently singing Viva Las Vegas to themselves, a quiet but noticeable Mexican wave was transversing the room, and the judge himself felt like asking Mr James to get on with the entertainment.27

James himself seemed to realise that appearances were everything in this trial, and attempted to re-engage the public galleries. "The simple fact of the matter is that we will show that Elvis Aaron Presley did in fact die on 16 August 1977, and that therefore my clients have committed no breach of Australian copyright law in releasing the three singles discussed onto the market on 16 August 2027."28

"OK, let's get started then" said McCartney. Noting his empty glass of water he turned to his tipstaff and stage-whispered "Treat me nice and get me a refill will you?"29

The tipstaff raised her eyes to the heavens and wondered how many more puns like this she would hear over the next few days as she left.30

*************************31

Day two began with much the same crowd in the public galleries. Reports of Elvis in Seven-Elevens run by Roy Orbison with Janis Joplin and Kurt Cobain serving at the counter were running riot, but even the Telegraph Mirror wasn't treating them seriously. Two people claimed that they had seen River Phoenix the previous night, but that was explained by their ingestion of large amounts of hallucinogenic substances at the time. 32

Today there was a group of conspiracy theorists, easily identified by their armbands, who believed that environmentalists had killed Elvis because of his destruction of tropical rainforests - most of the land clearing in Brazil for cattle farming was done to satisfy his appetite for hamburgers. This was covered up by the US Government in return for spy satellite technology which could be used to bug the secret Mason headquarters in Obesity, Vermont, and .... or something like that, they weren't that clear themselves. The hippie from Day 1 had now begun calling herself (rather unfortunately) Madam Zelda, casting Tarots featuring Elvis as the Hanged Man, and claiming that Elvis had actually been the reincarnation of Amun-Ra and was the centre of the Karma of the Age of Aquarius. When it was pointed out to her that she had her musicals mixed up, she replied that she knew very well that Elvis had not been in Hair - he had made Summer Holiday instead. Meanwhile, a group called "Vindictive Vigilantes Versus Violence" turned up with banners saying that Elvis had been a bleeding heart liberal, and that Jailhouse Rock had glorified a bunch of crims who should have all been swinging from the top of the prison gates. 33

The actual Court hearing began with Ms Polanski calling Lisa-Marie Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc and questioning her on the circumstances of her father's death.34

"Ms Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc, were you at Graceland on the day of your father's alleged death?"35

"Nuh. But Mum and I went round to see him soon like, after we heard the news". She sounds like her father, thought McCartney, and looks like him.36

"Did he look at all strange?"37

"Objection!" called out James, "this question is irrelevant."38

"Your Honour", replied Polanski, "I seek to show that Elvis Presley was not in fact dead on 16 August 1977, and that some kind of fake body - a wax dummy perhaps - was put in the place of a corpse."39

This is going to get very silly, mused McCartney, but I always thought it would. "Objection overruled. Proceed, Ms Polanski."40

"Thank you, Your Honour. Ms Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc?"41

Lisa-Marie thought, and said "Well, uh, the body did look kinda weird. He was all waxy and pale - he looked like all the life had gone outta him, uh-huh."42

"He was dead", exclaimed James.43

McCartney glared at him. "You will have your chance to cross-examine soon, Mr James. Keep quiet until then."44

A few more questions established both that Elvis' "body" on 16 August 1977 had looked "kinda weird", and that Lisa-Marie didn't have many other descriptive phrases in store.45

James then began his cross-examination. "Ms Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc", he said, pacing in Perry Mason style, "why on earth would anyone want to fake the death of your father?"46

"You tell me, pal. I never find out the whole story myself. All I know is that he didn't look himself on 16 August 1977. He looked..."47

"Kinda weird, yes, I know. Do you think that he could have taken on this kind of appearance due to the fact that he was deceased?"48

"How many dead people do you think I'd seen?"49

"After 16 August 1977, at least one, I'd say. Wouldn't you say that the idea of some agency faking your father's death is ridiculous? Why would anyone do it? Was he, for example, taken by aliens so they could restore him to youth and force him to record more music on the Planet Zog?"50

"See! That's what I always said!" called one excitable voice from the back. "The people from Zog are coming back, too, with ten new Elvis albums! They've got Jimi Hendrix too..."51

"Remove that man from the Court", ordered McCartney. "Any ridiculous theories in here will come from counsel, not the peanut gallery."52

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Day Three consisted mainly of some very tedious argument concerning the expert qualifications of one Dr J.Danforth Howitzer III, the author of the most famous Elvis conspiracy book, What Did The Bastards Do With Elvis? (2003). McCartney ejected several people in the public galleries during the day, mostly for calling out “a little less conversation, a little more action!”.54

Polanski argued that Dr Howitzer was the pre-eminent expert in Elvisology, that he had a degree from Harvard, and that he had done a great deal of research into the facts surrounding Elvis' death. James replied that Dr Howitzer had gained a doctorate in Advanced Hairdressing Techniques from Charlatan College in Harvard, South Carolina, and was less qualified than his Labrador pup to give expert evidence on anything other than getting a good blow-wave. Polanski challenged James to find a better expert, and James produced a phone book and started suggesting people called "Aaronson, Abbott, Acfield...". (The Sydney phone book now had separate volumes for each letter of the alphabet, and it was rather prestigious to have the full A-Z set.) Polanski stated that Court experts had never been required to have formal tertiary qualifications in Australian law in any event, and James replied that they did have to have a few active brain cells.55

"Oh go on, let's hear him", decided McCartney. "I can't imagine him saying anything much more ludicrous than we've heard already." And it might be amusing, particularly in cross-examination, he thought.56

Dana Polanski began her questioning, still with a disturbing amount of vim and vigour. "What, Dr Howitzer, has your research shown about the alleged death of Elvis Presley?"57

"Well, my research has shown that Elvis was a mole in a cocaine ring, planted by the CIA." Dr Howitzer spoke with a Southern USA accent that Dolly Parton would have envied. "When the CIA found out that the cartel was on to their man, they faked his death, and resettled him in a small town in New Hampshire, where he passed away in 1999."58

"How do you know this?"59

"I've researched classified government documents, which I've obtained through contacts in the CIA, and interviewed people who were present at Graceland on 16 August 1977. All agree that Elvis was perfectly fit the previous night and that his 'death' simply could not have been the genuine article."60

"That will be all, your Honour."61

James looked to be itching to get stuck into cross-examination, but McCartney called a halt, saying it was getting late, and since it now took about two hours by car from the Supreme Court building to Frenchs Forest, it was time to go. 62

************************* 63

The crowds who had deserted midway through the third day were back on the fourth, with the pundits taking bets on whether Dr Howitzer would come through cross-examination alive. The general consensus was that his theories failed to take into account the fact that UFO activity had been reported throughout Tennessee in August 1977. They had also failed to take into account the fact that Elvis was grossly overweight at the time, could have dropped off the perch at any minute, and even an alien tractor beam would have been hard-pressed lifting him into a spacecraft.64

Dean James smiled a Cheshire Cat smile as he began his cross-examination. "Dr Howitzer", he began, "can you explain to the Court why on earth the CIA would have chosen Elvis Presley, one of the most well-known people in the world, as its mole in a cocaine racket?"65

Dr Howitzer shuffled in his seat and replied "Because no-one would suspect him, for precisely that reason. The cocaine lords would never have believed that the CIA would hire such a public figure in this role, and therefore the CIA's aims would be fulfilled."66

"But according to your theory, they did discover him, didn't they? And then the CIA had to fake his death to get the cocaine ring off his back. That's what you've been saying, isn't it?"67

"Well, obviously the CIA's plant wasn't perfect. These drug lords could have had contacts in very high levels of the US government, and found Elvis' file."68

James glanced heavenwards and continued. "Doctor, has it ever occurred to you that these conspiracy theories began because people simply did not want to believe that Elvis, a living legend, was dead? Keith Moon, for example..."69

"Who?" shouted one self-proclaimed wit in the crowd.70

James gave him a truly withering glare and went on. "Keith Moon was a drug addict who died from his addiction, and no-one has ever suggested that he was ever used as a pawn in a drug ring and so on."71

"I don't know about that" came another voice from the public galleries. "My work has shown that Moon was done in by an Algerian-based hit squad who found the lyrics of My Generation to be anti-Islamic, and then they injected him with heroin afterward..."72

McCartney snapped at this point. "Get that lunatic out of the courtroom", he ordered the security guards. "I want to hear no more mention of UFOs, timeslips, space invaders, spontaneous human combustion, Algerian terrorists, non-Algerian terrorists, physical morphing or fortune-telling."73

"Bugger" said Madam Zelda.74

McCartney finished his spiel, annoyed to be interrupted as he was reaching a crescendo. "In fact, anyone who mentions anything that really belongs on the Twilight Zone will be turfed out. We have one loony conspiracy theory under examination, and that is the theory being proposed by the plaintiffs. There will be no others judicially considered. Is that clear?"75

He took the slightly stunned silence to be an assent. "Good. Dr Howitzer?"76

"Thank you, your Honour. Obviously, there is an element of that - witness all the Elvis theories that His Honour just eloquently described. But I still believe, given my research, that Elvis did not die on August 16 1977."77

James, realising that Howitzer was striking a chord with the public gallery, changed tack. "And how was this research done?"78

"Friends in high places. A few lucky leads. The Elvis Conspiracies World Wide Web site."79

"But what actual documentation did you discover?"80

"Well, no actual documentation as such, but I trust the oral information that I was given."81

"And what were these people's sources?"82

"Well...I haven't seen them exactly."83

"And you went on their unsupported testimony."84

"Well...yes. My friend in the CIA was a very trustworthy witness. You would have liked him, and it was more than a year after my inquiries that he went mad and machine-gunned the St Louis KFC..."85

James grinned again. "No further questions, your Honour." Polanski, for the first time in the trial, was looking grim.86

"Thank you Dr Howitzer, you may step down" said McCartney.87

"Sure thing" replied Howitzer. "Oh and Mr James", he rejoined, "the best blow-wave in Sydney is at Geeky Guys and Sexy Girls Boutique in Rozelle."88

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The fifth day began with a buzz of excitement - rumours, as yet unsubstantiated, were flying that the plaintiffs had come up with some evidence to crack the case wide open. The public gallery, despite McCartney's orders the previous day, looked as strange as ever, but the highlight was a large banner unfurled by one lovesick male which read "Dana - I Can't Help Falling In Love With You".90

If Polanski had looked like she had been on amphetamines before, she genuinely seemed to be about to explode if she didn't do something dramatically energetic shortly. She appeared to have a strange symbiotic relationship with the near-comatose solicitor Proudfoot - the more astonishingly active Polanski became, the more Proudfoot sank into semi-oblivion.91

Nearly before McCartney could ask her if she had any further evidence to bring, she had violently leapt to her feet and reeled off at breakneck speed the words "Yes we have, Your Honour. My clients have informed me that the tomb of Elvis Presley has been opened, and the 'body' examined and found to be a lifesize wax mannequin."92

Absolute silence. James looked absolutely horrified, McCartney slightly incredulous, and the crowd stunned. Then a burst of wild applause came from the cultists and one group of conspiracy theorists, while another group of such theorists merely nodded wisely, trying to work out where the FBI, the crashed UFO at Roswell and the fact that you always get that one burned, mutated chip in a packet of Smiths Crisps fitted in now. The Elvis impersonators burst into a round of Are You Lonesome Tonight and Madam Zelda was wondering who the hell she had been talking to for the last fifty years.93

McCartney shouted down the crowd and resumed. "Well, Ms Polanski, I'm all shook up", he heard himself saying. "Oh God" he thought, "did I really say that? Never mind." He pressed on. "Can you prove this assertion?"94

"I certainly can, Your Honour. Please bear with me while I log onto the Internet, which now has a web site www.elvis.corpse.fooled.you.all.com, and is broadcasting live pictures of the exhumation." Sure enough, once Polanski's net surfboard was comfortably hanging ten, there on the screen was a picture of an open Graceland tomb, with a completely uncorrupted "corpse", that did in fact look very much like a wax dummy. Polanski beamed in triumph, and McCartney cast a sideways look at James, who was deep in conversation with Hendricks.95

McCartney briefly wondered why this event wasn't live on TV, before realising that all Australian TV was now cable, and no-one could either afford or be bothered to connect. For what it was worth, there were now 43 channels in Sydney, each screening a different series of The Simpsons.96

The judge realised that Hendricks was pointing excitedly at something on the screen, but he couldn't hear what it was over the resumed strains of the Elvis impersonators. "If only they were wax dummies", thought McCartney, and then he saw realisation (of what?) flood over James' face.97

"You Honour?" inquired James.98

"Yes, Mr James".99

"Don't you think it odd that this wax dummy is modelled on a young, fit and moderately good-looking Elvis, and not on the great overweight blimp he was at the time of his death?"100

This comment brought a renewed round of outraged howls from the cultists, who were calling down plagues of locusts the size of horses to smite the entrails from James' body and cast them into a fiery pit, but McCartney threatened to confiscate their saffron robes and beads with beaming Elvis faces on them if they didn't shut up, so they did. 101

"I'd appreciate you used more neutral language in future, Mr James, but I see your point."102

"I apologise for my earlier description of Mr Presley, your Honour" rejoined James, "but my point stands. This dummy could not have fooled any rational person."103

"It only had to fool Lisa-Marie and Priscilla" called out one halfwit from the back.104

"And the aliens" added someone who could be charitably described as a one per cent wit.105

McCartney ordered both of the interjectors thrown out, sighed heavily, and addressed Polanski. "What's your explanation for this?" he asked.106

"Well, your Honour", replied Polanski, looking slightly flummoxed for the first time in the trial. Surely she was home and dry? As it turned out, she was not even home and reaching for the towel. "Perhaps this is the way Elvis Presley's immediate family and his fans would have wanted to remember him?"107

"Precisely" said James. "Your Honour, I think we will hear more on that point."108

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The start of the sixth day saw the Sydney Morning Internet Herald speculate on just what James' last cryptic comment was supposed to mean, The Australian wonder darkly on whether it was just some anti-American plot, and the Telegraph Mirror wax lyrically on the secondary sexual characteristics of one young lady in the public gallery. The crowd in at the trial were gently buzzing with excitement, wondering what the next twist in the plot would be. Most had forgotten most of what had previously transpired in the trial to date, but never mind. A few Christadelphian types outside in President's Square were claiming that the Rapture was imminent as Elvis had proved to be the second-born from the dead, another South Korean Moonie-type cult claimed that Elvis had in fact discovered the philosopher's stone and the elixir of life and was sitting on a mountain near Chandighar dispensing advice on matters such as methods of spinach propagation, while the subject of the Telegraph report had just been signed up as the token female "presenter" on Sale of the Century. She had in fact been on her way to her Masters of Employment Law lecture at the Sydney Uni Law School, but thought "bugger it, I'll take the cash".110

A group of Chinese Elvis impersonators from Dixon Street were halfway through a Cantonese version Little Sister, while another group sang Hound Dog in Urdu, as McCartney took his seat. After the shocks of yesterday, he would not now be the least surprised if aliens from the planet Zog did turn up to admit to their abduction of Elvis in 1977, but realised that things were probably going to get stranger than that. This suspicion was confirmed when James and Hendricks entered the Court looking curiously confident.111

McCartney called the court to order and the courtroom quietened down. "Well, Mr James" he said, "do you have any comment on the evidence presented yesterday?"112

"I do, Your Honour."113

"Please proceed."114

James drew a deep breath and began. "Having done some late-night telephoning and some research of my own, I can tell the court that, yes, a wax dummy was placed in Elvis Presley's tomb."115

A few cries along the lines of "I knew it" echoed around the courtroom, and the conspiracy theorists nodded sagely.116

"But", said James, with all appropriate drama, "Elvis Presley did in fact die on 16 August 1977."117

An audible gasp from the crowd, which would do justice to any low-budget and badly acted courtroom drama, was heard.118

James smiled and began his Perry Mason pacing once more. "Yesterday I commented that the wax dummy which substituted for Elvis' body was modelled on the young and energetic Elvis who captured the hearts of the USA in the 1950s and 1960s, not on the shambling wreck he had become by 1977. I also said that this 'body' could not have fooled his closest relatives. The reason for this is simple. The 'body' was not meant to fool Priscilla and Lisa-Marie Presley (as she was then), or another woman involved in the story because" - and the pause here was of the stature of Rumpole of the Bailey himself - "they were part of a conspiracy to keep the Elvis legend alive and ensure that he was remembered as a great American icon and not a fat man with bad sideburns."119

Dana Polanski shot to her feet with an urgency that made her previous appearances in court look like she had been on Rohypnol. "Objection, Your Honour! Counsel for the defendants is engaging in unwarranted speculation and conspiracy-theorising, and without any evidence. The 'aliens from the Planet Zog' theory had more evidence."120

"See, I told you!" The same man had somehow slipped back into the gallery without anyone noticing. "Johnny O'Keeffe is up there with him..." ... and out he went again on the end of a large security guard's boot. 121

McCartney waited for the hubbub to subside and said "Your answer to this, Mr James?"122

"I do indeed have evidence, Your Honour. I would like to call a witness by satellite link, if I may."123

Lisa-Marie was now looking horrified, and frantically gesturing for Polanski to do something. But Polanski herself was intrigued as to what James was up to.124

"Your Honour, I would like to call my star witness - the woman who was at that time the fiance of Elvis Presley, who will reveal the true conspiracy to us all. Ms Ginger Alden."125

There was pandemonium.126

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McCartney called an early lunch, partly because it was necessary to set up the video-link equipment, and partly because he thought he would need a stiff drink to get through what might - hopefully - be the final phase of the trial. As he returned to the courtroom he noted that the Elvis impersonators had obviously exhausted their repertoire, because they were back on Viva Las Vegas, which had opened the trial. Madam Zelda was still not sure if she had been talking to Elvis for the last 50 years, or if she had just discovered that Elvis impersonators had even infiltrated the other side.128

With the news that Ginger Alden was to testify screaming through the net, and all 43 cable stations wishing to carry the sixth afternoon of the trial - even Home and Away, Neighbours and the nude jelly-wrestling were to be postponed - the room was so packed there was hardly room for the judge and senior counsel. BUXTEL managing director Jason Boor had suggested that they could get by without the solicitors, but Proudfoot and Hendricks said they weren't going to miss the final phase of the trial, or getting on TV, and Mr Boor had to agree. After a run-down on the teams by Peter Sterling and Paul Vautin, and their tips as to who would win, the trial resumed.129

"Mr James, I believe you have a witness to call by videolink."130

"Indeed I do. From Graceland, Memphis, Tennessee, USA, Ms Ginger Alden."131

The screen flared to life. Ginger Alden was now an old woman, but still gave the appearance of having her wits about her, unlike the blood heirs to the Presley empire. "I can hear you, Mr James." The voice was old and a bit quavery, but strong.132

"Could you please relate the events of 16 August 1977, the day on which your husband Elvis Presley, passed on."133

"Objection, Your Honour", called out Polanski, shooting to her feet in meteoric fashion once more, "we have not yet established that Elvis did die on that date."134

"Sustained" adjudicated McCartney. "Please rephrase the question, Mr James."135

"I withdraw the last part of my question, Your Honour. Ms Alden, what occurred on 16 August 1977 at Gracelands?"136

"Well", came the voice from the screen, "that morning I realised that Elvis had been missing for a while after breakfast. He'd been up all night, as usual, playing racketball. He was off his food in the morning - he only ate two chickens, a serve of fries, and three Big Macs and then said he was going to bed. He didn't come down for lunch, so I thought he might not be well, so I went off to find him."137

"How long did your search take?"138

"Nearly an hour. Gracelands is quite a mansion."139

"And what did you find?"140

Ginger Alden's composure finally began to crack. "He was dead."141

The courtroom was absolutely silent as Ginger began to cry gently. "Please take your time, Ms Alden" said James.142

"Bugger that, the ratings will go through the floor if the old bag doesn't start talking soon" interjected a TV technician. "Our viewers' attention spans will nearly be up."143

The technician copped the second truly withering glare from of the trial from James, who kicked out his feed cable in retaliation. Simultaneously, at least half the public gallery called out "don't be cruel" in marvellous unison.144

James returned his attention to the screen. "Please ignore that philistine, and do go on."145

"He was dead." Ginger was firmly back in control. "Thing is, though, he hadn't just dropped dead of a heart attack like we told the world. He'd gone out like Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison." A brief pause. "He'd overdosed on something, collapsed, swallowed his vomit, and voided his bowels all over himself and the floor. It was just a dreadful sight."146

"What did you do?"147

"I thought to call the ambulance, but he was nearly cold. There was no use. I called my lawyer and his publicity agent instead."148

"Why?"149

"To ask them how we should handle his death. The agent, R Habbukuk Porkburger IV said we couldn't allow the world to hear of a death like that. With Hendrix and Morrison it suited their image somehow, but Elvis was a pin-up boy and a national icon. Being overweight was one thing, but being a drug addict was another. He was the King, after all."150

"So what did you do?"151

"They were round fast like, and we got rid of the body. We had a wax dummy made up in record time, and publicised the death of Elvis that evening. Elvis is actually buried under a compost heap out the back of Gracelands, along with an old guitar, and 28 Burger King hamburger containers."152

"And the world was fooled?"153

"They fooled themselves. It was how the world wanted to remember him."154

James looked towards McCartney and said "No further questions, Your Honour. The case for the defendants rests."155

McCartney wondered how Polanski would handle this revelation, and she asked what was probably the only question she could. "Ms Alden", she said, still at gattling-gun speed, "if your story is true, why have you waited so long to reveal it?"156

"Because I'm sick of all the stories about CIA plots, assassinations ordered by drug lords, aliens from the planet Zog..."157

The whole court turned nervously towards the spot in the public gallery from where the Zog theorist had been evicted, but now the seat was occupied by a surprised Channel 6 camerawoman, who realised with great satisfaction that she had the best shot of the court so far. 158

"Anyway" continued Ginger Alden, "it's time the truth came out. Obviously a few people noticed the fact that the 'corpse' wasn't all it should have been. I hoped all the really loony stories would have faded away by now, but..."159

Polanski tried her next question. "Your story contradicts that of the only other living person who might know the truth, Lisa-Marie Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc."160

Ginger Alden smiled ruefully and said "Lisa-Marie wasn't in on it at the time, but Priscilla was. It was her and Porkburger together that came up with the scheme. I actually couldn't have carried out deception without Priscilla's help."161

"So do you believe Ms Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc knows now?"162

"Yes", said Ginger, with conviction. "I was there when Priscilla told her the truth a few years later."163

James interjected "Anyone who married Michael Jackson can't have too much credibility as a witness anyway."164

McCartney quietened the court and said "I'll advise you to keep those observations to yourself, Mr James. Ms Presley-Jackson-Cage-Keogh-etc", he said, addressing Lisa-Marie for the first time, "is Ms Alden's statement that you have been aware of the circumstances of your father's death for about forty-five years true?"165

Lisa-Marie saw that she was beaten and said "yes."166

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After a short intermission, mainly so that the TV stations could run a summary of the entire trial, and so people could place bets on CourtTab as to who would win - the defendants were now 20-1 on - McCartney pronounced judgement.168

"I find that Sophisticated Music Inc, although they are probably guilty of a lack of any musical taste, are not liable for breach of copyright. The copyright held in the works of Mr Elvis Aaron Presley expired on 16 August 2027, 50 years after what has now been proved to be the date of his death. Costs are awarded against the plaintiff, and I hope this will be the end of all those planet Zog type theories."169

"It isn't! Just wait! I'll have proof..." He was back again.170

Polanski smiled resignedly across at James and said "I still lead 13-12."171

James grinned back and said "I think this one counts double."172

All 43 stations ended their coverage with a shot of the Polanski-James exchange, froze the frame, and rolled the credits over Love Me Tender.173

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And on the seventh day they all rested.175