In the beginning I awoke to find darkness surrounding me. I searched throughout the damp cave until I found my satchel of herbs. Through touch I found my supply of sun-filled dandelions. Upon bringing them out into the air they released their golden light. I squinted against their beauty and warmed to their soft touch. Letting the heat flow over me I breathed in the sticky sour smell of the dandelion milk.1
Beside my satchel was an old lantern. I set the flowers inside. The glass lid spread the light to all corners of the crowded cave.2
Throwing shadows on the wall as I walked towards the back. The sound of running water reached my ears and I groped around my satchel again to find a vial of clear honeydew liquid. My steady steps brought me to the trickle of water. I tossed the contents of the open vial in and watched it grow into a steady brook.3
Satisfied I stepped back to watch it run out the opening. Curiosity took over and I ran to follow it. Distorted shadows lengthened as the dandelion lantern bounced in front of me. The coolness of the soil under my bare feet made me aware of the rawness of this young land.4
At the opening I paused as the lantern's light raced over the ground, spreading along the barren valley. The brook had taken on more volume to build into a restless river without boundaries. Its waters raced wildly towards an indentation at the far side of the vast bowl. As I watched, the water calmly filled the depression to make a large lake. It rose to fill the land, spilling over to make smaller rivers and laughing streams.5
Smiling I turned to view the rough terrain around me. A subtle wind whipped my dark hair, lashing my pale cheeks and stinging my parched lips. Through clear eyes I searched through my worn satchel, feeling the strap tug at my shoulder. Pushing crinkly sacks, cool vials and loose vegetation aside I found a narrow stick with rough skin and thorny knobs running its length.6
My bare feet sunk into the dry earth, sending puff of dust to tickle my slightly turned up nose. I sneezed once as I descended from the mouth of the cave.7
I buried the twig near the newly formed water and sat back to wait. I watched the water roar between the sandy banks as the twig twitched under the ground. Dirt moved to the sides as a small green sprout erupted from the mound. From that moment on other sprouts begin popping up around the valley. In minutes trees of all sizes and shapes dotted the land.8
I was pleased. This land was easier then the preceding one was. For days I fought to make the trees grow, to get the dandelions to show their bright faces, but this valley was manageable, pliable. It made me remember why I had taken on this never-ending task.9
For a time I just sat watching the newly planted saplings mature into shade trees with wide jade green leaves.
Thoughts filtered into my peaceful mind, bringing with them memories of before. I remembered being young once, of running through waist high field grass, hair in disarray, and laughing at my father as he chased me. Green, sour apples on a hot, dry day also ran through my thoughts. Beside me an elm tree switched its serrated edged leaf to that of an apple trees oval leaves. Beautiful-cream colored blossoms exploded from buds on green bows and as I watched the petals fall, apples expanded turning from sunshine yellow to a shiny waxy red.10
It startled me to see my thoughts transferred to a tree and I glanced behind me to see if my father was standing there, to see his great hulk of a body waiting, a patient smile peeking out between his dark mustache and curly beard, to see his eyes with crinkles at the corners would be very welcome. My job was often a lonely one.11
I sighed in disappointment. "It's for the best,” I mumbled. "He never did understand." 12
I turned my face up towards the sky. Now that the water and trees had been brought to life the clouds could form and I searched thrash expanse of cornflower blue. In the distance I spied a puff of white marking the sky.13
"Right on time."14
Now that rain was in the forecast I got to work on the next step. As the clouds continued to form, I once again search my satchel by feel, I pushed the contents around but the next item was not to be found.15
Frantically I dumped the bag out, fingering each vial and bag, flipping them out of the way. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't finish the job if it was gone.16
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Author notes
This is just my bare thoughts so far. Not much detail or description yet but it's coming. Let me know what you think so far.
Edited 3-18-08
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Now I am wondering what she is looking for in her bag and what she is going to do with it. She makes trees grow and rivers flow and I can't even get grass growing on my lawn. Anyway, it is a good start and as I get time I will read and comment on subsequent chapters. The story so far holds my interest and makes me want to read more.
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Hey thanks for stopping by and reading this. To date I have seven part to this and working on the next part.
I can't get grass to grow either, so you are not alone.
Brooke
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creation scenes indeed....
I took an entire page of notes about typo's and such before I read the other comments, thus my nit picking is not required.
A most interesting creation scene as 'mother nature' recreates life according to her vision. Curious to see where the serpent and the mosquito's come into play ifin they do....
thank you...
amicus...
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Typos?? I thought I had gotten them. Hmmmm...maybe I didn't fix it like I said I was going to this last weekend.
That's upsetting.
Ok I'll have to go through it again. I'm afraid no serpent or mosquito's but only because I didn't think about it.
There is an unknown scale that may or may not be a serpent like creature.
Man, now I have more work
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Quick nits:
'grah 1: Through touch I found my supply of sun(-)filled dandelions.-->Hyphenate sun-filled
'graph 3: Throwing shadows on (the) wall the as I walked towards the back. --->remove "the" after wall but add it before.
'graph 5: lantern(')s light
Thoughts on the story itself....
Brooke, I REALLY liked this! I'm figuring you are of the Wiccan religion, yes? It seemed very "earthy" and nature-specific. I thought it was wonderful. Yes, I can see this developing after a few revisions and adding of more detail. But you have a great start. I loved the dandelion lanterns! So cool!
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I am, how could you guess
Thanks for pointing those errors out and for liking this.
Brooke
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Great piece to wet the apetite! I'm not sure who or what or where but I want more! I didn't read the other comments so I'm not sure if these have been pointed out but I did notice a few little hiccups-
on wall the as I walked towards - the & wall
ears and groped around my -missing an I- I think
I tossed the open contents of the open vial in- sounded a little wierd to me
the month of the cave -mouth?
and laughing as my father as he chased me.- at instead of as
I know I'm nitpicking but I hate when I miss little things like that in my stories.
Frantically I dumped the bag out, fingering each vial and bag, flipping them out of the way. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't finish the job if it was gone. - I love the end! It almost forces you to go 'Aww dammit. What happens next?!'
Really nice opener
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Hey Jack,
Thanks for pointing those out. I will get on those and eyeambaldmans this weekend.
Thanks again (I hate editing)
Brooke
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See, now you have me curious as to what kind of job, exactly, she has (other than creating landscapes
)! I really enjoyed the use of natural items to work the magic of creation, and especially enjoyed all of the plants (you have no idea how happy it made me to read about serrated elm leaves and oval apple leaves *laughs*). Your voice is great! You still have a few typos throughout - I didn't take the time to point them out, but if you would like me to go over this again with a fine-tooth comb, I would be more than happy to. Very excellently written, and I'm sure this is going to turn into a very interesting series!
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I'm afraid that this is the only part where I really used vegetation. The next part get more into her as a character and I was hoping the plot. Not sure that coming though *sighs*
But I do hope you check out the rest. And if you do have time, please comb through and find what you can. I'm bad at commas and lately runon sentences
Thanks again.
Brooke -
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Well then, as promised - the combing! Hope you're prepared for the thoughts of a chornic editor...
* Para 1: "sun-filled dandelions" - the hyphen is needed to make this a single two-word adjective. Also, maybe a comma would be useful after "flow over me"? What do you think?
* Para 3: The first sentence here is a fragment. Also, I think it should be "my ears and I groped around" and that you don't need the word "open" before contents. Yes?
* Para 5: "as the lantern's light" - need the apostrophe, since "lantern's" is possessive.
* Para 7: I believe you mean "from the mouth of the cave" instead of month.
* Para 9: "This land was easier than the preceding one" - you used the wrong form of then/than in this sentence - you need "than" when you are making a comparisson.
* Para 10: "waist-high field grass." Aslo, "laughing as my father as he chased me" - is the first "as" supposed to be "at"? And serrated refers to the edge of the leaf, so you don't need the word "edged" and "apple tree's" should have the possessive apostrophe. "Beaufitul cream-colored blossomes" has the dash in the wrong place, and I believe you mean "green boughs," as in tree branches, right? "Petals fall" should be "fell," I believe, since everything else is past tense, and I don't think you need both "expanded" and "turning." *laughs* Wow, sorry, that's a lot.
* Para 11: I think this sentence can be organized to have slightly clearer syntax...what do you think?
* Para 13: "I searched thrash expanse..." - I'm actually not sure what you're trying to say here..."searched through the expanse"?
* Para 15: Your second sentence is actually two full sentences, but I think you could leave it comfortably as one if you changed "I pushed the contents" to "pushing the contents" and adding a comma after "around."
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This is going to be a lovely story to read when you've fixed a few things. I notice others have helped you with these. Good, I can tell you what I think!
It does flow quite well and the imagery is beautiful. I like the innovative use of the Dandelions, how clever of you! I look forward to more soon.
A trick I use to refine a piece I'm working on: I start at the end of the story when I'm doing an edit. The story doesn't get in the way then.
This doesn't help me with fragments and run ons, though It's a pity we can't have clickable edit points. I have these on another site and a little box pops up, they are magic!
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Diddi,
Thanks you I will try to edit this backwards
I think that sounds like a wonderful idea. I never thought of that. You are right the story does tend to get in the way when trying to read it fromt he start.
Again thanks for the fav idea.
Brooke
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I really liked this and must read more I think the descriptions you used are really cute and enchanting, especially all the stuff on the dandelions. On to the next part!
~Joann
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My favorite part is also the danelions. I think we (gardeners) tend to forget how pretty even weeds can be.
Thanks for reading and I hope you like the next part too.
Brooke
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I really enjoyed this piece, your style of writing is captivating. The detail of the description was not so heavy that it was confusing, instead you managed to convey your thoughts in a colourful and enchanting way that was also easy to read. I will definately read on, thank you for sharing this.
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Hahaha I just read your other comment. Thanks for reading both of these. I will hopefully have the next part up by Monday. I'm a very slow writer.
Thanks again for taking the time to read these.
Brooke
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I have to say this is an interesting story. I thought it had some what of a little of detail and description. You have a great imagination, I can't wait to read the final draft. Keep up the great work.
. Rewarded 4
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Hey thanks for reading this and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I find I write like this more often then not
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Pretty god.
Paragraph 3: "the wall" - "and I groped"
Paragraph 7: "sending a puff" - "mouth of the cave."
Paragraph 10: "as my father chased" - I would try to find another word rather than "thoughts" here It doesn't seem to sound right.
Paragraph 13: "I search thrash expanse of cornflower blue." This line confused me. I'm not sure what's trying to be said here.
Paragraph 15: "searched my satchel"
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I really liked this, it was very creative! I'm eager to see where you might be going with this, and look forward to reading the next installment. Good Luck with finishing.
-Ephemeral E
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Thanks for pointing all those out. I am so bad at finding those errors, even though I read it and read it and read it.
Again thanks
Brooke
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Very cool... I wish Mother Nature would think some of my fir trees into apple trees in my yard, that would be uber-neat come spring! *laughs*
This needs a general proofing, just a bit wrong here and there, but nothing that takes away from the read, and well, you know I'm more about the story, anyway, which is pretty durned good, in my opinion.
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Ok now you are forgiven.
Thanks for looking at this. I'll have to reread it and take care of those pesky problems.
Brooke -
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Oh, forgiveness..?
*laughs* You gave me my FIRST testimonial, wherein you said, and I quote--"He doesn't write fast enough."
So I take the time to write faster, which quite naturally cuts into my reading/commenting time, and that somehow makes me a 'bad guy' who needs forgiveness...
I see your game, pretty lady! Love you anyway!
XOXOXOX!!! << For YOU! -
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Ok so I cursed myself *shrugs* Should have seen that one coming. So next time I'll just shut my mouth.
Sooooo....whens the the next Tasha?
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Oh, Brooke... *smiles*
You're too easy, Hon! You should have called my bluff, we both know that I've wasted WAY too much time socializing and have been abusing my resposibilities to you and your stories. You were my first friend, and remain one of my dearest, and for having ignored your page for so long, I can only hang my head and apologize.
Really, Brooke, I AM sorry. *turns butt to you* Go ahead, give it a kick.... -
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I've rather slap your forehead like those V8 commercials
And here I thought you didn't like my writing and it was just a guy thing instead
You're off the hook this time. But you watch your step for now on (Sounds like a mom, huh?)
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I love your writing--along with three hundred other people here on the site, it seems!
But you always have been, and ever shall be, one of my favorites! -
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300 Wow!!! Now there's something to be proud of
Thanks sweety, you are also one of my favorites. Now I ask again.....Where's the new Tasha ?
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'Tasha at Talon's Nook--The Conclusion' is sitting there in my flash drive, not even half completed--Tookey and Eld are fighting for thier lives, and Tasha and her band are racing in to save the day, but since it hasn't written itself in my head, I have no idea what's going to happen. Would you like a copy of what I have so far? I can toss it to you through the 'back door'... *laughs*
And then I'll start on the NEXT story arc with them...because they're cool like that!
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[= Wow. So much imagery, it kind of felt like I was watching a movie because I could picture it all in my head. The person in the story kind of resembles mother nature to me, was that your intention? Ah, well. Anyway, I loved it. It seems very well written, although I did notice a tiny grammatical error. At the end of paragraph ten, there should be a comma between shiny and waxy. Other than that, it was entertaining to read. I hope you write more of this. It's really good.
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The next part goes into more of what she is. I'll post that one in the next week or so.
Thanks for pointing out that error. I'm so bad at things like that.
And I'm glad you liked it. I hope you read the next one.
Brooke
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OH, it's also kind of interesting that the creator is not all powerful. Interesting concept.
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Oh okay, I must have been a bit out of my senses. Yar. so i definitely want to know what that last vial is? perhaps adding humans to the earth? great description!
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I didn't want it to be like a 'God' or 'Goddess' thing. I just wanted to try something new. It's really a sort of second part to 'The Cave and Candle' but not quite.
Thanks for pointing those errors out. I will have to go back and do some editing
Brooke
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Through clear eyes I searched through my worn satchel, feeling the strap tug at my shoulder.
**vary word.
My bare feet sunk into the dry earth, sending puff of dust to tickle my slightly turned up nose
**puffs? or a puff... not to tickle.
For days I fought to make the trees grow, to get the dandelions to show their bright faces, but this valley was manageable, pliable.
**how can that be a contrast... thats what the word but is for in this case... shouldn't it be but they were resilient or something.
and laughing as my father as he chased me.
**check your grammar.
hmmm this is interesting. i have to go, but i'll read this again. Great descriptions with few words, grammar's a bit off. I'm not sure i understand the plot but i'll read again. -
this is a very peaceful story. It has excellent visonary, and the ending is unexpected
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Hey thanks for taking a look at this. It's not letting me give you stars right now, but I'll try later.
Brooke
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What a great concept!
Short sentences do seem to break the mood you are trying to set. Example: "I set the flowers inside. --- crowded cave." How about: "As I set the flowers inside, the glass lid helped spread ---- crowded cave."
This sentence feels incomplete: 3 "Throwing shadows on wall the as I walked towards the back." What happens as you walked towards the back?
What a fantastic start. I certainly do hope you complete the thought, or work this out.
Jim
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Thanks Jim, I'll check those out and do some tinkering.
since I haven't seen you in awhile.
Brooke
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You're kidding - right
NOT MUCH DETAIL OR DESCRIPTION! It was filled with both and with a generous sprinkling of imagination. couple typos but excellent overall. [ leaves to check out profile]
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Awww....
You're too kind. Sometimes I can over do the descriptions, so that is why I say there's not much. I think there should be more description and detail about the cave, but she doesn't spend much time there so maybe not.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Brooke
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