In the beginning I awoke to find darkness surrounding me. I searched throughout the damp cave until I found my satchel of herbs. Through touch I found my supply of sun-filled dandelions. Upon bringing them out into the air they released their golden light. I squinted against their beauty and warmed to their soft touch. Letting the heat flow over me I breathed in the sticky sour smell of the dandelion milk.1
Beside my satchel was an old lantern. I set the flowers inside. The glass lid spread the light to all corners of the crowded cave, throwing shadows on the wall as I walked towards the back. The sound of running water reached my ears and I groped around inside my satchel again to find a vial of clear honeydew liquid. My steady steps brought me to the trickle of water. I tossed the contents of the open vial in and watched it grow into a steady brook.2
Satisfied I stepped back to watch it run out the opening. Curiosity took over and I ran to follow it. Distorted shadows lengthened as the dandelion lantern bounced in front of me. The coolness of the soil under my bare feet made me aware of the rawness of this young land.3
At the opening I paused as the lantern's light raced over the ground, spreading along the barren valley. The brook had taken on more volume to build into a restless river without boundaries. Its waters raced wildly towards an indentation at the far side of the vast bowl. As I watched, the water calmly filled the depression to make a large lake. It rose to fill the land, spilling over to make smaller rivers and laughing streams.4
Smiling I turned to view the rough terrain around me. A subtle wind whipped my dark hair, lashing my pale cheeks and stinging my parched lips. Through clear eyes I searched through my worn satchel, feeling the strap tug at my shoulder. Pushing crinkly sacks, cool vials and loose vegetation aside I found a narrow stick with rough skin and thorny knobs running its length.5
My bare feet sunk into the dry earth, sending puffs of dust to tickle my slightly turned up nose. I sneezed once as I descended from the mouth of the cave.6
I buried the twig near the newly formed water and sat back to wait. I watched the water roar between the sandy banks as the twig twitched under the ground. Dirt moved to the sides as a small green sprout erupted from the mound. From that moment on other sprouts begin popping up around the valley. In minutes trees of all sizes and shapes dotted the land.7
I was pleased. This land was easier then the preceding one was. For days I fought to make the trees grow, to get the dandelions to show their bright faces, but this valley was manageable, pliable. It made me remember why I had taken on this never-ending task.8
For a time I just sat watching the newly planted saplings mature into shade trees with wide jade green leaves.
Thoughts filtered into my peaceful mind, bringing with them memories of before. I remembered being young once, of running through waist high field grass, hair in disarray, and laughing at my father as he chased me. Green, sour apples on a hot, dry day also ran through my thoughts. Beside me an elm tree switched its serrated edged leaf to that of an apple trees oval leaves. Beautiful-cream colored blossoms exploded from buds on green bows and as I watched the petals fall, apples expanded turning from sunshine yellow to a shiny waxy red.9
It startled me to see my thoughts transferred to a tree and I glanced behind me to see if my father was standing there, to see his great hulk of a body waiting, a patient smile peeking out between his dark mustache and curly beard, to see his eyes with crinkles at the corners would be very welcome. My job was often a lonely one.10
I sighed in disappointment. "It's for the best,” I mumbled. "He never did understand." 11
I turned my face up towards the sky. Now that the water and trees had been brought to life the clouds could form and I searched the expanse of cornflower blue. In the distance I spied a puff of white marking the sky.12
"Right on time."13
Now that rain was in the forecast I got to work on the next step. As the clouds continued to form, I once again search my satchel by feel, I pushed the contents around but the next item was not to be found.14
Frantically I dumped the bag out, fingering each vial and bag, flipping them out of the way. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't finish the job if it was gone.15
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Author notes
This is just my bare thoughts so far. Not much detail or description yet but it's coming. Let me know what you think so far.
Edited 3-18-08
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 81 of 81
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Hey Brooke,
Never read this before, though it seems to have been posted quite some time ago. I see its had plenty of editing, so I just read it for entertainment. I liked it very much. The images you painted with your words were clear and easy to 'see', presenting my minds eye with a panoramic view of your new world and the work this entity was about. I did get the sense a feminine being, but was unsure.
I've got a piece along these same lines I've toyed with in the past,(In The Beginning), so this was particularly enjoyable for me.
Steve
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I've been writing this story forever. Two years and counting. If I don't finish by Christmas this year, it'll be three years. I'm junken it if I don't finish by then. Just joking
Thanks for reading and I'm headed off to take a look at yours.
Brooke
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Captiving!
The imagery is so well written the scene unfolds itself. You have a wonderful start to a story with unlimited potential. I look forward to a continuation.
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Thank you
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Hey!
I liked it! It feels like the beginning of something that could be great. I look forward to reading more
It was probably conscious, but it would've gotten me more interested in the end if you hinted some more during the story as to what the big task was. Just a suggestion
Good luck!
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I'm glad you liked it, and you are probably right. You'll find that I don't post whole chapters and only parts. I get anixous to see what people think or I just don't have anymore to give at that particular time.
I am meaning to go through this and clump the parts together into appropiate chapter, but I think I'll wait until it is finished. Which should be soon.
Thanks for the read.
Brooke
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I think I might have read this before. (I never read anyone's comment so, maybe I have).
It did seem that the main character was a bit vague, who is he/she exactly? Not bothersome but, a bit irkesome but, still it was a good beginning.
Who is the father and why didn't he understand what she/he was trying to do?
Babbling brooks = laughing streams? along the same lines I guess.
It's an engaging story, fairytale like and interesting. I am not sure oif I did read it before so, I will rate it and if it doesn't get it then it could well be that I am reading this for a second time.beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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You did read this before, but a second read it twice as nice
I can see where you would be a little put off by the beginning of this. One person said I used too many I's and such Oh well, I'm not sure how to change this without losing my main focus. Later though she does become more solid, I promise
Thanks for the read.
Brooke
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This was wonderful. Full of great imagery and visuals. You gave the reader all of the senses through your amazing descriptions. Definitely was a great read and I look forward to continuing with this. It reminds me so much of our ways- loving and worshipping nature
Beautiful and breathtaking.
I did catch a couple small, minor things that I might suggest- hope you don't mind
P5: Smiling I turned to view the rough terrain around me.
comma after Smiling
P14: Now that rain was in the forecast I got to work on the next step.
comma after forecast
They're only suggestions, though Overall, it was an enjoyable and wonderful read. I will be reading more for sure! 
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for finding those. I really stink when it comes to commas. Either I put too many in or not enough now happy medium for me
Thanks for the read.
Brooke -
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You're very welcome... and I do the same thing a lot myself
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a good beginning.
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks, I just hope I can finish it
Brooke
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Hi Brooke!
I'd forgotten that I'd read this, but it had been so long ago, I decided to read it again. I'll pick up on part two later.
Andy
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Thanks for reading Andy.
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Creation of break-taking imagery
Whoa. Okay after reading your brief outline of the story and then reading this as a whole I must say that my senses are absolutely intense and electrified.
I stepped through each one basking in the aromas of your captivating imagery and when I was finished reading I was well sated and relaxed while wanting to know more. It was like walking through each aroma and finding something different. almost inspirational while at the same time I am surrounded my some of the same. Some I could even taste in my mouth.
I was somewhat saddened while stepping into the characters shoes and am intrigued by her lonesome job. I am eager to read more about her. I want to know more. Feel more, because you have captured my attention and I am thoroughly engrossed in your story. Your character has an incredible gift from what I can gather and it is one that I am fully enthralled by.
Thank you so much for your entry and leading me into this story. Please feel free to send me any links through I'm so that I can continue this journey with your character.
Blair
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Blair,
Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am very proud of this particular part, but I do hope the other parts stand up to this one. In all I have 12 and am working on the 13th *crosses fingers*
Again thank you for reading. Below are the links to all...
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7
part 8
part 9
part 10
part 11
part 12
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Again, this is another story I seemed to have missed the first time it was posted, and have only really just noticed that you'd started posting again. Figured I should start from the start. Overall, an engaging read. I don't think you mean to rewrite a creation myth, but rather introduce a character that has the gift of creating - through deed and thought. You've portrayed her skill as both effortless and in need of training (thinking about the apple tree, the tree changing to fit her thoughts, and then her surprise at that).
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When I started I was going to make it all about the creation of Earth, but then it took off onto this
Thanks for reading and for your encouragement.
Brooke
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I saw that you have part 3 posted in the group. I feel lazy that I didn't even read the first, so here I am.
Really beautiful descriptions. I can tell why this had to be in several parts. I mean, with the way you just get caught up in the beauty of it is, in itself, reason enough to expand.
I am definitely interested in finding out more about what's going on with the creation of this wonderful place. Well done!
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Thank you for reading and I am glad you are enjoying it. I'm hoping that all the elements come together and this meets all expectations.
Again thanks
Brooke
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Fantastic!!!
I loved every word of it. Please continue with it. Your words paint such a beatiful picture and I need more. You have so much more to create and I love the way you descibe it.
Beautifully done!
Trish
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Thanks Tricia, those are very encouraging words coming from you. I do have 9 parts and I hope to have more soon.
Thanks again for reading and for liking
Brooke
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I thought this was...interesting. I liked your descriptions and various words. One thing did confuse me a little as I read it, though. In the second paragraph you said "The sound of running water reached my ears and I groped around my satchel again to find a vial of clear honeydew liquid." I wondered if you should add 'inside' between the words 'around' and 'my.' It just sounded off to me. Maybe not.
Also, you need to tell us more about the character. Is she some Goddess that has the gift of Life? What do they look like? How exactly did they make the land so plentiful and lively so quickly?
I didn't really find many grammar errors....or spelling errors. Overall, it was intriuging and interesting!
XOXO
Ink
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You are right, it does need inside I will fix that. Thanks
More on this character in the next couple of parts. These really aren't chapters and when I'm all done I will figure out where the chapters are. For now they are my random writings and so may be short.
Thanks for reading and for pointing that fault out.
Brooke
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Hey Brooke. I saw chap. 2 on the reading list and realized I never read the start. I'm glad I came here first cause I'm sure I would have been lost as to what was going on. lol
This is a very intriguing beginning. You describe it nicely so we can watch as she grows this land/world from scratch. It brings many questions.
What was this place before she came here, and where did she come from? Is she a goddess, that she has these gifts? Who is her father? What is missing from her satchel?
Is this real or just a dream?
I'm sure the answers will come about later. This reads like a prologue and piques our curiosity as to what she's doing here and if she'll finish the job.
Ok, ..off to chapter two!
Greg
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Answer to all questions: this world was just created, not by 'God' and not by a 'Goddess' but by actions....
As you've read, in the next part, she is an apprentice creator, not a goddess.
Her father was an ordinary farmer...it was her mother that was special. Her word in song was magical in making the crops grow.
No dream, this is her job...
I know you've read the next part.
Good journey, my friend.
Brooke
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This is a marvellous piece of writing which has left me intrigued over so many things.
What is the missing item?
Why can't the job be finished without it?
Who or what wass her father?
P7 - puff(s) of dust OR a puff of dust
If this is merely the outline then it is going to be a cracking story. I wait with anticipation, eagerness and plain old impatience for the story to begin
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Thanks for reading and for pointing out that mistake. I am off to fix it with the others now
I've got most of this written. I just need to finish it up. Writers block has wrapped his cold hands around my brain and I just haven't been able to pick it back up. *sigh* What I hoped putting it back up on the list is would help me break that.
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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This was great! It was very intriquing. At first I thought you were talking about God, with the 'In the Beginning' phrase. But, I remembered from your home page that you are a witch...so I started thinking maybe the woman is a Wiccan god.
Either way this was fantastic. Very well written, and extremely descriptive. You did a great job painting a picture of the woman-creator, the cave and the valley.
One thing:
P 13....I turned my face up towards the sky. Now that the water and trees had been brought to life the clouds could form and I searched thrash expanse of cornflower blue.
-- what is 'thrash'? Should this read 'the'?
Anyhow, I am thoroughly intrigued to find out what she is missing from the satchel!
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I don't know what I was trying to say there
but it was probably the Will change that right now. Thanks for reading and for liking it
Brooke
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The first sentence of p.3, im pretty sure that it should be joined to the last sentence of p.2 by a comma. It looks like you may have overlooked this typo... but maybe not. It just didnt seem right to me.
At first it appeared this person was God in 'the beggining'... but then after i actualy thought about it, i figured that this was mother nature. Im a little confused (as im sure you intended), but i did enjoy this piece. -
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You are so right. I will change that right away.
I was confused writing it. I started it out as a Goddess/Mother Nature as a one person sort of story, but as I went along it doesn't stay that way
Off to fix that typo
Thanks for reading.
Brooke
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I really enjoyed this! I liked that it was descriptive and wordy yet, not so much that it takes away from the story. I am interested in finding out what exactly she is missing form her satchel so I suppose I will have to read on to find out. XD The plot is an interesting one so far, it kind of makes me think of this woman as "mother nature" almost. Good work!
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Thanks, I wish I could say this was finished, but alas it is not. And it looks like I haven't even done the edits from when I last posted this *sigh*, but thanks for reading and I do have a bit more of this if you are willing to wait
Again thanks for reading.
Brooke
PS it is a mother nature sort of thing, almost
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LOL Your welcome, and no problem. I understand, I've yet to do that to a few of my own stories. And yes, I am willing to wait for more of this story. Good luck with the rest!
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Interesting
p1 me(,) I breathed
p15 again (searched)
This reminds me of the nymphs, those of the air, water, and fire. She is creating a new land or world? Who is her father?
Very beautiful descriptions and imagery.
I was confused about her father, was he present or was that a memory.
You left me wondering what she could have possibly found missing from her satchel.
Andy
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It is lovely piece of writing. The descriptions are beautiful.
Hi Brooke, I’m sure I read this before—did you perhaps post it under a different title; or did I neglect to comment the first time
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It is lovely piece of writing. The descriptions are beautiful. The character delightful and the activity is easy to follow.
I’m (thick). I really didn’t understand what was happening. Is she creating a world? Replanting a devastated land? The hints you provide could lead one to believe either is possible, or something entirely different 
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Since this is only part one, I’m confident these questions will be answered in the coming pages.
You have a talent for developing some great Geri
characters: 5.
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Aloha!!! =)
Was she some sort of Native Indian? Maybe it's wrong for me to generalize, but when I read about the herbs and the caring for the environment, I thought about how some shows, movies, and written stories described them like that. That or she is some early mythical being...
Your author notes said it was not as descriptive, but I thought it was descriptive still... x.x you set a high bar for your stuff..
What other things does she have to finish? x.x she needs to get the satchel back!! And.. does she mix medicine and magic?
And I really hope I can get to read the next few parts of this one...
As for the constructive criticism, some commas are lost, haha, but none so bad as "Let's eat, Grandpa" or "Let's eat Grandpa"
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Now I am wondering what she is looking for in her bag and what she is going to do with it. She makes trees grow and rivers flow and I can't even get grass growing on my lawn. Anyway, it is a good start and as I get time I will read and comment on subsequent chapters. The story so far holds my interest and makes me want to read more.
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Hey thanks for stopping by and reading this. To date I have seven part to this and working on the next part.
I can't get grass to grow either, so you are not alone.
Brooke
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creation scenes indeed....
I took an entire page of notes about typo's and such before I read the other comments, thus my nit picking is not required.
A most interesting creation scene as 'mother nature' recreates life according to her vision. Curious to see where the serpent and the mosquito's come into play ifin they do....
thank you...
amicus...
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Typos?? I thought I had gotten them. Hmmmm...maybe I didn't fix it like I said I was going to this last weekend.
That's upsetting.
Ok I'll have to go through it again. I'm afraid no serpent or mosquito's but only because I didn't think about it.
There is an unknown scale that may or may not be a serpent like creature.
Man, now I have more work
Thanks for reading
Brooke
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Quick nits:
'grah 1: Through touch I found my supply of sun(-)filled dandelions.-->Hyphenate sun-filled
'graph 3: Throwing shadows on (the) wall the as I walked towards the back. --->remove "the" after wall but add it before.
'graph 5: lantern(')s light
Thoughts on the story itself....
Brooke, I REALLY liked this! I'm figuring you are of the Wiccan religion, yes? It seemed very "earthy" and nature-specific. I thought it was wonderful. Yes, I can see this developing after a few revisions and adding of more detail. But you have a great start. I loved the dandelion lanterns! So cool!
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I am, how could you guess
Thanks for pointing those errors out and for liking this.
Brooke
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Great piece to wet the apetite! I'm not sure who or what or where but I want more! I didn't read the other comments so I'm not sure if these have been pointed out but I did notice a few little hiccups-
on wall the as I walked towards - the & wall
ears and groped around my -missing an I- I think
I tossed the open contents of the open vial in- sounded a little wierd to me
the month of the cave -mouth?
and laughing as my father as he chased me.- at instead of as
I know I'm nitpicking but I hate when I miss little things like that in my stories.
Frantically I dumped the bag out, fingering each vial and bag, flipping them out of the way. My breath caught in my throat. I couldn't finish the job if it was gone. - I love the end! It almost forces you to go 'Aww dammit. What happens next?!'
Really nice opener
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Hey Jack,
Thanks for pointing those out. I will get on those and eyeambaldmans this weekend.
Thanks again (I hate editing)
Brooke
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See, now you have me curious as to what kind of job, exactly, she has (other than creating landscapes )! I really enjoyed the use of natural items to work the magic of creation, and especially enjoyed all of the plants (you have no idea how happy it made me to read about serrated elm leaves and oval apple leaves *laughs*). Your voice is great! You still have a few typos throughout - I didn't take the time to point them out, but if you would like me to go over this again with a fine-tooth comb, I would be more than happy to. Very excellently written, and I'm sure this is going to turn into a very interesting series!
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I'm afraid that this is the only part where I really used vegetation. The next part get more into her as a character and I was hoping the plot. Not sure that coming though *sighs*
But I do hope you check out the rest. And if you do have time, please comb through and find what you can. I'm bad at commas and lately runon sentences
Thanks again.
Brooke -
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Well then, as promised - the combing! Hope you're prepared for the thoughts of a chornic editor...
* Para 1: "sun-filled dandelions" - the hyphen is needed to make this a single two-word adjective. Also, maybe a comma would be useful after "flow over me"? What do you think?
* Para 3: The first sentence here is a fragment. Also, I think it should be "my ears and I groped around" and that you don't need the word "open" before contents. Yes?
* Para 5: "as the lantern's light" - need the apostrophe, since "lantern's" is possessive.
* Para 7: I believe you mean "from the mouth of the cave" instead of month.
* Para 9: "This land was easier than the preceding one" - you used the wrong form of then/than in this sentence - you need "than" when you are making a comparisson.
* Para 10: "waist-high field grass." Aslo, "laughing as my father as he chased me" - is the first "as" supposed to be "at"? And serrated refers to the edge of the leaf, so you don't need the word "edged" and "apple tree's" should have the possessive apostrophe. "Beaufitul cream-colored blossomes" has the dash in the wrong place, and I believe you mean "green boughs," as in tree branches, right? "Petals fall" should be "fell," I believe, since everything else is past tense, and I don't think you need both "expanded" and "turning." *laughs* Wow, sorry, that's a lot.
* Para 11: I think this sentence can be organized to have slightly clearer syntax...what do you think?
* Para 13: "I searched thrash expanse..." - I'm actually not sure what you're trying to say here..."searched through the expanse"?
* Para 15: Your second sentence is actually two full sentences, but I think you could leave it comfortably as one if you changed "I pushed the contents" to "pushing the contents" and adding a comma after "around."
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This is going to be a lovely story to read when you've fixed a few things. I notice others have helped you with these. Good, I can tell you what I think!
It does flow quite well and the imagery is beautiful. I like the innovative use of the Dandelions, how clever of you! I look forward to more soon.
A trick I use to refine a piece I'm working on: I start at the end of the story when I'm doing an edit. The story doesn't get in the way then.
This doesn't help me with fragments and run ons, though It's a pity we can't have clickable edit points. I have these on another site and a little box pops up, they are magic!
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 4, characters: 5.
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Diddi,
Thanks you I will try to edit this backwards I think that sounds like a wonderful idea. I never thought of that. You are right the story does tend to get in the way when trying to read it fromt he start.
Again thanks for the fav idea.
Brooke
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I really liked this and must read more I think the descriptions you used are really cute and enchanting, especially all the stuff on the dandelions. On to the next part!
~Joann
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My favorite part is also the danelions. I think we (gardeners) tend to forget how pretty even weeds can be.
Thanks for reading and I hope you like the next part too.
Brooke
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I really enjoyed this piece, your style of writing is captivating. The detail of the description was not so heavy that it was confusing, instead you managed to convey your thoughts in a colourful and enchanting way that was also easy to read. I will definately read on, thank you for sharing this.
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Hahaha I just read your other comment. Thanks for reading both of these. I will hopefully have the next part up by Monday. I'm a very slow writer.
Thanks again for taking the time to read these.
Brooke
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I have to say this is an interesting story. I thought it had some what of a little of detail and description. You have a great imagination, I can't wait to read the final draft. Keep up the great work.
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Hey thanks for reading this and I'm glad you enjoyed it. I find I write like this more often then not
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Pretty god.
Paragraph 3: "the wall" - "and I groped"
Paragraph 7: "sending a puff" - "mouth of the cave."
Paragraph 10: "as my father chased" - I would try to find another word rather than "thoughts" here It doesn't seem to sound right.
Paragraph 13: "I search thrash expanse of cornflower blue." This line confused me. I'm not sure what's trying to be said here.
Paragraph 15: "searched my satchel"
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I really liked this, it was very creative! I'm eager to see where you might be going with this, and look forward to reading the next installment. Good Luck with finishing.
-Ephemeral E
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thanks for pointing all those out. I am so bad at finding those errors, even though I read it and read it and read it.
Again thanks
Brooke
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Very cool... I wish Mother Nature would think some of my fir trees into apple trees in my yard, that would be uber-neat come spring! *laughs*
This needs a general proofing, just a bit wrong here and there, but nothing that takes away from the read, and well, you know I'm more about the story, anyway, which is pretty durned good, in my opinion.
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Ok now you are forgiven.
Thanks for looking at this. I'll have to reread it and take care of those pesky problems.
Brooke -
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Oh, forgiveness..?
*laughs* You gave me my FIRST testimonial, wherein you said, and I quote--"He doesn't write fast enough."
So I take the time to write faster, which quite naturally cuts into my reading/commenting time, and that somehow makes me a 'bad guy' who needs forgiveness...
I see your game, pretty lady! Love you anyway!
XOXOXOX!!! << For YOU! -
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Ok so I cursed myself *shrugs* Should have seen that one coming. So next time I'll just shut my mouth.
Sooooo....whens the the next Tasha?
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Oh, Brooke... *smiles*
You're too easy, Hon! You should have called my bluff, we both know that I've wasted WAY too much time socializing and have been abusing my resposibilities to you and your stories. You were my first friend, and remain one of my dearest, and for having ignored your page for so long, I can only hang my head and apologize.
Really, Brooke, I AM sorry. *turns butt to you* Go ahead, give it a kick.... -
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I've rather slap your forehead like those V8 commercials
And here I thought you didn't like my writing and it was just a guy thing instead
You're off the hook this time. But you watch your step for now on (Sounds like a mom, huh?)
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I love your writing--along with three hundred other people here on the site, it seems!
But you always have been, and ever shall be, one of my favorites! -
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300 Wow!!! Now there's something to be proud of
Thanks sweety, you are also one of my favorites. Now I ask again.....Where's the new Tasha ?
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'Tasha at Talon's Nook--The Conclusion' is sitting there in my flash drive, not even half completed--Tookey and Eld are fighting for thier lives, and Tasha and her band are racing in to save the day, but since it hasn't written itself in my head, I have no idea what's going to happen. Would you like a copy of what I have so far? I can toss it to you through the 'back door'... *laughs*
And then I'll start on the NEXT story arc with them...because they're cool like that!
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[= Wow. So much imagery, it kind of felt like I was watching a movie because I could picture it all in my head. The person in the story kind of resembles mother nature to me, was that your intention? Ah, well. Anyway, I loved it. It seems very well written, although I did notice a tiny grammatical error. At the end of paragraph ten, there should be a comma between shiny and waxy. Other than that, it was entertaining to read. I hope you write more of this. It's really good.
beginning: 5, language: 4, plot: 5, ending: 4, dialog: 5, characters: 4.
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The next part goes into more of what she is. I'll post that one in the next week or so.
Thanks for pointing out that error. I'm so bad at things like that.
And I'm glad you liked it. I hope you read the next one.
Brooke
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OH, it's also kind of interesting that the creator is not all powerful. Interesting concept.
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Oh okay, I must have been a bit out of my senses. Yar. so i definitely want to know what that last vial is? perhaps adding humans to the earth? great description!
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I didn't want it to be like a 'God' or 'Goddess' thing. I just wanted to try something new. It's really a sort of second part to 'The Cave and Candle' but not quite.
Thanks for pointing those errors out. I will have to go back and do some editing
Brooke
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Through clear eyes I searched through my worn satchel, feeling the strap tug at my shoulder.
**vary word.
My bare feet sunk into the dry earth, sending puff of dust to tickle my slightly turned up nose
**puffs? or a puff... not to tickle.
For days I fought to make the trees grow, to get the dandelions to show their bright faces, but this valley was manageable, pliable.
**how can that be a contrast... thats what the word but is for in this case... shouldn't it be but they were resilient or something.
and laughing as my father as he chased me.
**check your grammar.
hmmm this is interesting. i have to go, but i'll read this again. Great descriptions with few words, grammar's a bit off. I'm not sure i understand the plot but i'll read again. -
this is a very peaceful story. It has excellent visonary, and the ending is unexpected
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Hey thanks for taking a look at this. It's not letting me give you stars right now, but I'll try later.
Brooke
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What a great concept!
Short sentences do seem to break the mood you are trying to set. Example: "I set the flowers inside. --- crowded cave." How about: "As I set the flowers inside, the glass lid helped spread ---- crowded cave."
This sentence feels incomplete: 3 "Throwing shadows on wall the as I walked towards the back." What happens as you walked towards the back?
What a fantastic start. I certainly do hope you complete the thought, or work this out.
Jim
beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 4, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
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Thanks Jim, I'll check those out and do some tinkering.
since I haven't seen you in awhile.
Brooke
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You're kidding - right
NOT MUCH DETAIL OR DESCRIPTION! It was filled with both and with a generous sprinkling of imagination. couple typos but excellent overall. [ leaves to check out profile]
beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 5.
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Awww....
You're too kind. Sometimes I can over do the descriptions, so that is why I say there's not much. I think there should be more description and detail about the cave, but she doesn't spend much time there so maybe not.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Brooke
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