Introduction and Chapter 1

Introduction1

September 20th 2007 Columbia, MO2

The soft sigh lifted in the empty apartment as Cassie got off the couch and walked aimlessly to the kitchen. Opening the fridge and staring intently at the half empty shelves; the reality of her need for shopping weighed down on her. But she didn’t feel like it.3

Closing the door and walking back to the couch was simply an exercise in boredom. She plopped down looking at her screen waiting for the window to start blinking, signaling an instant message. The blinking didn’t come. Her grey-blue eyes scanned the room and landed on the television. Some cartoon rerun was flashing bright colors on the screen. Her restlessness was in part due to the empty apartment around her.4

The other reason for her restlessness was the permeation in the apartment of his spirit. He had moved out over 6 months ago. It was actually getting closer to a year than she had realized upon previous thought. Just thinking about the duration she had been without him burned her more and more. The memory, the feel of his skin against hers, his lips on hers was fading slightly. And still she could not banish him from her dreams, or waking thoughts. To everyone she seemed alright, if a bit melancholy. To him she seemed desperately trying to recover breath and failing. How did he see this? She tried to put on a good show. She tried to make him believe she was alright, if not happy.5

This failure on her part to hide any bit of herself from him made the eeriness creep on her even more. She shook her head, attempting to shake the tears from her eyes. The tears that would soon be pouring down her cheeks. She held back, focusing instead on the soft, haunting melody playing on her stereo. She swayed remembering dancing in his arms, him singing to her. Rocking alone on her couch, she realized just how much she couldn’t live without his presence in her life.6

The months they had not spoken were the hardest of all. She thought about him more. Became more and more determined to be a woman that could one day fulfill the promise she had made him. To be the woman who could once again grace his doorstep in the rain. No matter where in the world that doorstep happened to be, she would be there.7

Putting aside the endlessly disappointing computer she got up. She made her way to the bookshelf, with a slight shuffle, that only accentuated the graceful sway of her walk. Her fingers lightly traced the dusty black shelf and the small, red velvet bag that lay on it. The smooth fabric, and bright gold OM graced her with confidence. She would be strong enough to do this. She lifted the bag off the shelf and undid the golden strings that held it tightly closed. Turning the small sack upside down she poured the stones into the palm of her hand.8

The protection stones which she had abandoned when hopelessness had creeped slowly in, now offered some semblance of strength. It wasn’t much, but to a girl who felt entirely drained it was magical. Some strange effect a few stones can have on ones outlook. Her tears dried and a fresh confidence filled her. A new determination. The same determination that came with the music as it flowed through her as she moved the smooth stones about in her hand.9

Opening the red velvet bag she poured the stones back in. Putting them aside she began to dance to the track that now filled the room. The volume seemed to miraculously increase at her will as she danced. She took no notice. It droned out the screaming in her head. It made the world seem quiet. This dance of desperation reminded her how much she missed living. How much surviving just wasn’t enough.10

Chapter 111

September 18th 2009 Durham, England12

A warm breeze broke through the crisp September air as Cassie’s heels clicked on the pavement outside the Rose and Crown. Her steely eyes scanned the dark navy blue of a perfectly clear sky that was just now starting to be peppered with brilliant specks. The smell of Old Spice cologne wafted to her as she stepped passed the door Nigel was gallantly holding open for her. She nodded a soft “thank you” as the decorated red carpet greeted her stilettos.13

The roaring fireplace welcomed her into a cozy lobby area. While Nigel checked them in at the desk, Cassie wandered away, entering a room with beige stone walls, deep maroon carpeting and dark polished oak furniture. Her stomach clenched and she felt incredibly energized for this evening. The bubbling feeling that filled her was a sure sign that this would be an unforgettable night.14

“Cassandra, dear?” She turned on her heels in response to the all too familiar voice. She nodded and made her way toward him. They approached the stairs together, and with a slight bend at the waist and a soft gesture of the hand he made it clear that he wanted her to make her way up. “Shall we?”15

- - - - - - - - - - - -16

The candlelight danced across the white plate and bright silverware. Cassie watched as the crystal champagne glass mirrored flames across the crisp, white tablecloth. A soft yawn was forming in her throat and she could feel it building it’s way up to her lips. Her napkin flew to her mouth as she pretended to dab to cover her yawn.17

As she delicately lifted the small desert spoon and pressed it against the fluffy desert she heard Nigel utter a small cough and clear his throat. Her eyes flew up to him and caught his grey ones. He suddenly straightened up a bit, and placed his napkin back on the table. Reaching his hand across the table, he softly caressed hers.18

“This night is perfect. Isn’t it darling?” The soft notes of desperation hidden beyond layers of sincerity and love caused a light crease in her brow. She quickly relaxed her face and nodded for his benefit. The wide smile that crossed her lips was heavily dulled by the yawn that was once again forming. Fighting back the urge was difficult, yet she maintained her composure and continued to look into his loving eyes.19

She began to attempt to manufacture the same loving gaze, but found it difficult. Like his writing Nigel was terribly dull. This weekend, was meant to be a surprise for her. He had planned it all perfectly. This attempt at romance was far more thoughtful than Cassie had ever expected out of any man. Yet it still fell disappointingly short of taking her breath away.20

When she had first found out, excitement had overtaken her. After all, this could have been Nigel’s redemption. This calculated Anthropologist could have pulled excitement out of some hidden fiber of his being. Romance and candlelight could have led to beautifully poetic conversation and a weak kneed girl falling helplessly into bed with her incredibly thoughtful dashing lover. Instead the contrived moments and pre-planned phrases that Nigel offered, did little more than bore her. As she sat gazing with soft pity at the man before her she thought on the day he had offered her the hope, that was quickly dwindling.21

--She had been working diligently at her desk, attempting to finish the latest chapter before her deadline. His hands had wrapped gently around her eyes and a chuckle formed in his throat. She had pulled his hands down and began turning to kiss him. Before she ever had the chance a large envelope had been placed in her lap. After a questioning look, and a nod from Nigel she had torn the thick paper open to reveal reservations to the Inn for two nights. In her excitement she had thrown the envelope on the table and jumped out of her chair into his arms with an excited squeal.22

“I’ll take that to mean you want to go?” A hearty laugh escaped his lips as she put her arms around him.23

“Are you kidding?” She stared at him with amazement, and began kissing his neck. As she was about to speak he interrupted her.24

“Well if you’re not sure I can always cancel our reservations.” He teased with a bright, evil smirk.25

“Don’t you dare! This is going to be perfect.” She kissed him fully on the lips. No tongue was necessary, their kisses weren’t of that type. Sweet and gentle and lacking all the unnecessary flashiness.--26

The memory made the smile on her lips a bit more genuine and she worked to catch his eyes now. As grey met blue they looked longingly at each other and both his hands came across the table to hold hers.27

“You look absolutely ravishing tonight Cassandra.” His fluid voice glided over her as the candle flickered lightly from his breath. A light squeeze to his hand and a kind smile was her only response. In the year they had been together he had never received much more for a compliment. When they had first met she would blush brightly at any such attempt, now at least she accepted them quietly. Though she never said much he knew that she always enjoyed hearing them.28

Cassie fidgeted lightly still feeling uncomfortable with the compliment and the persistent use of her given name. She had spent years trying to escape the use of that name, choosing instead to be called a simple 'Cassie,' and though it was pleasant to hear on occasion that he found her attractive, in all honesty it had never been a pleasant feeling. Something reminiscent of a sinking feeling deep in her heart. Telling Nigel, however, was out of the question. She cared for him, and watching the hurt look in his eyes and hear the whine that his voice would surely take on was just too much for her to bare. His reaction to her objections had led to many fights, so she had learned to avoid the confrontation.29

The man was quite intelligent; A professor of Anthropology at Durham University as well as a published author. Cassie had always suspected that in order to have such a brilliant mind Nigel must have a bit less humanity to compensate. Though he loved, it felt calculated, as if numbers and not feelings were involved. To Cassie this had made him fascinating at first; a mathematical equation to be solved. Once she had deciphered the solution, he had become plain to read and slightly dull. She kept waiting for a change or a surprise but none came.30

Nothing about this man ever changed, nothing grew. His books continued on the same incredibly predictable path, his stories had no surprise endings or twists, but simply followed a linear path. The only thing that redeemed him were his eyes. Where the rest of him was calculated and followed strict rules and formulas, his eyes hardly ever held the same look twice. Though a plain grey, they often shocked her a bit with their sincerity and power. As he continued to study her she could only think on how those eyes had saved him many times when he should never have gotten her.31

Their first meeting had been and utter irritation to her, until she caught site of those unspeakably captivating eyes.32

--“Hello there. You seem to be all alone and working so diligently, I just had to ask your name?” The beautifully smooth British accent lured her into looking up from her notebook. At first aggravation had taken her over, but his eyes were so sweetly, soft grey that she couldn’t remain upset.33

“What? I’m sorry do I know you?” Her statement took on a soft tone, rather than one of sheer agitation.34

“No. You don’t, nor I you. However I saw you there working, and drinking coffee and I had to wonder your name, and your flavor?” He chuckled lightly at his own ice breaker.35

“Umm, well my name is Cassie and it’s French Hazelnut. I’d love to chat, but this book is something I just have to get done.” She was caught a bit off guard by this gentleman, and despite what she said she put her pencil down into her book and shut the cover.36

“Well how about I distract you, only for a bit, and then you return to your work?” He had noticed her gesture, and taken advantage of the opening. She nodded and he sat beside her on the stoop.--37

A hand on her shoulder and Nigel’s other one extended in front of her startled her out of her fantasy world. He had noticed Cassie zoning into a world that was not one he currently shared and was hoping to bring her back by offering her, her passion.38

“A dance my darling?” His deep voice held a soft smile in it, and as she looked up she was not surprised to see a small grin cross his lips. Placing her gloved hand in his she stood gracefully, adjusting her emerald, floor length dress. Upon reaching the small polished wooden floor Nigel spun her and caught her with a hand on her back. A move he knew to be her favorite, and one that she had taught him.39

The twirl pulled Cassie into his arms and left her forcing herself to meld to his form and inhale his familiar scent once again. The spin had been one she had taught him to break up the simple two or three step dances they seemed to repeat time and time again. Nigel’s abuse of it, left Cassie fairly bored with the move now. It was no longer a shock, no longer something exciting. It was expected and as bland as every other move her offered her.40

Cassie followed his every step, his every gesture in the dance. Her back arched and her neck extended in a picture of grace, while Nigel, though he tried barely kept rhythm. His soft, gentle demeanor meant a hard time of leading her as well. She was strong and in some ways almost feral, while he was kind and sweet. Leading was a sign of control, and as he lacked control in every other aspect of their lives together, he lacked it on the dance floor.41

She had grown accustomed to the routine they played and let herself melt a bit more into his form. Though boredom often overtook her, excitement was not something to be longed for. She realized with Nigel she was safe and provided for. Everything with Nigel was predictable and expected. Everything was simple, at least as long as things kept at the same pace they had been. In his arms she could easily exist and not worry about being more.42

Her feet tangled a bit as he stopped moving. He quickly threw an arm out and caught her in something almost resembling a dip. Bringing her back to her feet he kissed her cheek and took her both her hands in his. Slowly he lowered himself from his feet to one knee.43

Cassie stumbled back a step and gazed at him in wonder. Though she had grown to read him fairly well, this was a moment that left her utterly shocked. She had wanted excitement for the evening, and she was receiving her wish.44

“Cassandra, darling, I love you so much. I can’t bear to think of life without you., and I want to spend the rest of my days with you. Cassandra will you marry me?” As the words effortlessly slipped from his lips in the rehearsed speech, he reached in a pocket pulling out a box of red velvet, and fumbling to get it open.45

Gently, she held the velvet box in her hands and stared at it blankly, thoughts rushing aimlessly about.46

--“Here, sit here, please.” Cassie obeyed the soft and somewhat nervous request, sitting down in the plastic chair facing an ugly grey wall.47

“So we’ve been together for a while, and it’s Valentines day. And I just wanted to say I love you.” Sean sat down in front of her in an equally uncomfortable plastic chair. He grabbed her hands and his chocolate eyes burned into hers. She could never forget the way he looked at her at that moment. “I just wanted to say I’m glad you’re mine. And promise that I’m yours.” He reached behind himself and pulled out a small, velvet, maroon box.48

Cassie’s eyes began to tear up and one hand flew gracefully to her now partially opened lips. Her fingers lingered, tips pressing lightly to her lip. She gasped lightly and began laughing as a bewildered Sean stared at her in amazement. Her head began bobbing up and down in a quick nod as she placed the box back in his hand. It may not have been a proposal, but it was a promise of something more. Of something she had been hoping for with him.49

His limber fingers worked the small golden band out of the box. The small diamond glimmered in the faint afternoon light as he gently slid the ring onto her finger. She looked at her hand and finally removed her other one from her mouth. Reaching out to him her arms flew around his neck and she pulled him into a passionate kiss.50

The kiss lingered, their tongues softly exploring, and caressing. They broke away only upon hearing an RA’s voice in the staircase. Both covered their mouths for a moment to stifle a chuckle, and gazed, with giddy excitement into each other’s eyes, bright blue meeting soft brown. --51

The shock with which this vivid memory his her, sent shivers through Cassie’s entire body. The differences between the men were undeniable, and while Nigel was safe, her heart didn’t flutter at the sight of the ring. He clearly wanted something more than she could ever offer.52

Cassie’s eyes began to tear up and one of her hands flew gracefully up to her now partially opened lips. Her fingers lingered, tips pressing lightly to her lip. A light gasp emerged from her mouth, as she closed the box, feeling the velvet between her fingers. She gently lifted his hand up and slid the box back into his palm.53

“I’m sorry, Nigel. I just really can’t!”