There are a lot of times when I become disgusted with this town. I’m 21 years old and jobs are few and far between. People are fired for the opportunity of others. Families avoid being responsible for their kids. Some prefer to gamble, some prefer to drink and some do drugs. Then again those things are the only entertainment for a town of 50 000. I must admit I could tolerate the idea. But with the more stories I hear in the laundry mat, the more pity I feel for this place. 1
Once a week I do laundry at my "sister-in-laws" work place. The little laundry mat is a place where I hear some of the worst stories. There has been a murder the previous week. Police had found the body of a middle-aged man. The man had skull fractures and bruises all over his body. The townspeople didn't’t seem very surprised. The area where his body was found was considered a bad area. One week later my "sister-in-law" met a customer named Lisa. 2
Lisa was a young woman who lived in that area of town. My sister-in-law was a friendly face to everyone. But as she talked to Lisa I could see a sense of dread cross her face. When Lisa left the laundry mat, my "sister-in-law" came and sat with me. There was a look of shock in her eyes. Slowly she rehashed her conversation with Lisa. 3
Lisa had attended a party with some friends. The party had begun as a small gathering of beer drinkers. But as the night went on drug users arrived. Eventually the party-goers were left with nothing. In order to keep themselves entertained they began to search the house for anything they could use as a weapon. The party-goers decided to play a hunting game. 4
There were twenty party goers and soon fifteen went outside. It was at that same moment a man was bringing treats home to his children. His two boys screamed as fifteen people jumped him with knives, screwdrivers and other weapons. Lisa watched from the door as they pummeled him with broken broomsticks. 5
Lisa said the saddest moment was when a women noticed his children. The female party-goer held a hammer in her hand. She smiled and told the children to watch what she was about to do. The children watched as the women struck their father’s head several times. Police officers believed this was the blow that killed the man who was almost home. I shook my head in anger and I murmured to myself. “God damn those people”.6
I was angry but this wasn’t the first story I has heard. My only wish is to know what happened to those people. Rather then knowing the worst case scenario7
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
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wow i cant believe this is a true story.... that's so incredibly messed up... how do people DO that kind of thing?! i mean, thats crazy even for someone who's drunk and/or high. wow... its sad the things that happen in this world.
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Thanks for allowing me to participate in your contest. I enjoy writing but, grammar was never my specialty. So i appreciate the feedback. For the record, despite it being something we could not imagine happening. This story is true.
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This is a great write
I hate to do this, but I must point out the problems first
I am a member of the Typo Secret Service. Beware
Ok starting from the first lines:
"But with the more stories I hear in the laundry mat. The more pity I feel for this place. "
There should be a comma between the words MAT and THE. Also, the should not be capitalizied once the comma is in place.
This typo is ok, but you could add more appeal if you
put dashes between the phrase "sister in laws" (sister-in-law's makes it look better)
Next line
"There has been a murder the previous week"
has should be had
"The town’s people"
TOWNSPEOPLE is one word unless you would like to place a hyphen between it (townspeople works best)
"It wasn't’t till a week later"
you seem to have repeated the "'t"
happens to everyone
and right after that, once again "sister in law" should be "sister-in-law" and the same goes for all the other times you mention "sister-in-law"
also, "befriended" is not the proper term to use there
"partygoers" should be "party-goers"
but you can leave it as it is
it just looks nicer otherwise
the story itself was very greusome
I can't imagine anything like that EVER happening
You have created an image in my mind, I give you props for that!
I am extremely sorry; I do not mean to be harsh; I am just suggesting some changes
Just because this is a story contest, I take note of spelling and grammar errors.
Great write!
thanks for sharing
thanks for entering
-->aref

