Jimmy Beckman - Sharing the Secret

Authors Note1

The story begins with "Jimmy Beckman - Prologue"
This is segment 14.2

Updated 1/12/20083


Sharing the Secret4

One of the first things that Michael Prescott did, after being rescued from the island, was to publicly thank all who had anything to do with his rescue. When he learned that the rescue was based on a telephone call from a boy, who had been able provide the exact coordinates of the island, he called Jimmy, to thank him personally.5

It was evening when the phone rang, Jimmy’s mother answered it. She at first looked confused and then her face brightened. “Well, how are you?” she exclaimed. “We were all thrilled to hear the news! Your parents must have been overjoyed. Yes, I’ve no doubt that you were too. Just a minute, I’ll put Jimmy on.”6

Jimmy, picked up a second extension, “Hello.”7

He heard a voice say, “Jimmy, this is Michael Prescott. I called to thank you. I’m home again thanks to you.”8

Jimmy’s face lit up, “Hey, hello, how are you?”9

“I’m fine, a few pounds underweight but my mother is doing her best to fix that.”10

“I’ll bet,” Jimmy laughed.11

“We were getting pretty hungry by the time we were picked up.”12

“That lagoon didn’t supply much to eat,” said Jimmy.13

“It sure didn’t, we put in many hours trying to spear something and usually came up empty.”14

“Have you shaved off your beard?” Jimmy asked.15

“I did that as soon as I got to Hawaii.”16

Jimmy listened as Michael repeated the conversation to someone on his end.17

Jimmy switched the phone to speakerphone so his parents could also participate in the conversation. 18

Michael was aware of the mysterious circumstances surrounding Jimmy knowing the coordinates of the island they were abandoned on. The two talked for some time and Michael soon realized that Jimmy was familiar with details about the island that could only be known to someone that had been there.19

At one point Michael said, “Jimmy, I’d like to thank you in person. Would it be possible for me to visit you?”20

Jimmy’s mother injected, “We would love to have you visit us any time that you like.”21

“I accept your invitation. Let’s make it soon.” After a short pause, during which he seemed to be talking to someone, he added, “Would you mind if I brought my father and mother along. They would also like to thank you.”22

“Of course,” Jimmy’s mother replied, “They will be most welcome.”23

It was agreed that the Prescott's would arrive at the local airport, at about 11 AM, on the following Saturday.24

Later, when Jimmy checked with the airport, he learned that there were no flights scheduled to arrive at 11 AM on Saturday. The Beckmans went to the airport Saturday morning anyway. They stood at a large window in the terminal, watching small, private airplanes taking off and landing.25

Just before 11, they saw a large private jet land and taxi to the terminal. As they watched, the jet stopped, and a stair ramp was rolled out to the aircraft, by airport personnel. Three people emerged from the aircraft and came down the steps, a woman and two men. One of the men was younger than the other two people.26

The Beckmans walked out to the entrance gate; it was apparent that these three people were the Prescotts.27

They learned, later, that the jet was one of several, belonging to Mr. Prescott's company, and was reserved for his personal use.28

Introductions were made all around, and the six of them crowded into the Beckman's car, and drove to their home.29

The Prescott's were quite friendly. Both men insisted on pumping Jimmy's hand. Mrs. Prescott hugged him and kissed his cheek. All were generous in their thanks. 30

Mrs. Prescott, tearfully, recounted her feelings at thinking her only son might be dead and then her elation when word came that he had been found. “I broke into tears when I saw him standing there waiting for us when we arrived in Hawaii.”31

Mr. Prescott, passed his hand over his eyes and squeezed Jimmy’s hand firmly, “We owe you a great debt.”32

Jimmy, looked down and did not know how to reply. “No you don’t.”33

“The search seemed hopeless when you called us. Based on my telephone conversation with your father, I sent a seaplane to the coordinates you gave us, with instructions to go ashore and search the island. They spotted the men on the ground on their first pass over the island, landed in the sea, and picked them up.”34

He paused to see if Jimmy wanted to volunteer anything. When Jimmy said nothing, he went on. It went unmentioned that he had been found exactly where Jimmy had said he was but it was in everyone’s mind..35

“When the search crew realized that Michael was one of the survivors, they transmitted the news directly to us. We left for Hawaii within a few hours. Michael was flown there by the seaplane.”36

“Michael is our only child. He only recently graduated from college. The yacht was carrying him on an around the world trip, his graduation present. When he got back from his trip, he was to join the company to train, in preparation for taking charge, when I retired. We have been planning this ever since Michael was born.”37

“Jimmy,” Michael interjected, “you have no idea how big a thing what you did really is, at least to us.”38

“But for you, our world would have been turned upside down, destroyed really.” added Mrs. Prescott.39

The company had been founded by Mr. Prescott's father. At that time, the company made parts for the new, automobile industry, and in time became one of the largest automotive parts manufacturers in the world. As it continued to grow, the company had expanded into many other fields and at this time was one of the largest companies in the world. Mr. Prescott had taken over from his father, when the older man retired. It was planned that Michael would take over when his father retired.40

When it appeared that Michael was lost at sea, in addition to heartbreak for his parents, the future of this great company was put in question. Its stock price had fallen sharply. News that Michael had been found safe drove the company's stock price up to new highs.41

Michael picked up the story, “The rescue was just in time; we were slowly starving to death. The island had very little to eat in the way of vegetation, and there were very few fish to catch in the lagoon.”42

The Prescott's were eager to know how Jimmy had found Michael, but did not press him, once it became clear that he was, for some reason, unable or unwilling to tell them.43

“Well, we can start repaying you by seeing that you get the reward that was posted for information leading to Michael’s being located.” said Mr. Prescott.44

“No Way!” said Jimmy. “I didn’t do anything for a reward.”45

Despite his best and most vehement arguments, Mr. Prescott could not convince Jimmy to accept the large reward. Jimmy firmly declined it, and could not be persuaded otherwise. Jimmy’s parents sat quietly and did not comment.46

During a cooling off period, Mrs. Beckman gave the Prescotts a tour of her home. When they came to the workshop, Jimmy and his father showed off their tools and test equipment, and described projects they had constructed. Jimmy did not show off the contents of the locked box in the corner.47

Mr. Prescott showed interest in what they had accomplished in the shop, and had many questions to ask. Mr. Beckman being an engineer was able to discuss their work in great detail, and Jimmy displayed a remarkable technical knowledge for a boy his age.48

Suspecting that the secret behind Michael's rescue somehow involved Jimmy's technical ability, an idea occurred to Mr. Prescott, of a way to reward Jimmy. He described his company's technological capabilities, and the versatility of their shops and laboratories. Both Jimmy and his father had many questions to ask about this. When he was sure he had their interest aroused, Mr. Prescott presented his idea. 49

“I would like to place the capabilities of our shops, laboratories, and manufacturing facilities at your disposal. What you design, my company will build and present it to you free of patent or other restrictions. We will build anything you want, for as long as you want to use us, free, with no strings attached.”
This was not totally an act of gratitude. Mr. Prescott felt intuitively that there was something big behind what Jimmy had done and wanted to get involved in it..50

Michael quickly offered, “When I take over the company, I will continue this policy.”51

Jimmy was overwhelmed. He looked at his father and saw that he too was stunned by the offer.52

Seeing their reaction, Mr. Prescott pressed on, "Agreed?" he asked. Jimmy could only nod his head. "Agreed!" said Mr. Prescott and shook Jimmy's hand. "I will have my Director of Engineering contact you on Monday. He will be your point of contact with my company, and will arrange for the priority, processing of your requests. He will send you full information on all the products our company produces, and descriptions of all our shops, laboratories, and manufacturing facilities."53

When Jimmy tried to thank him, he waved a hand and said, "Thank you! You have restored to me my beloved son, and also my heir, to carry on my name and my business. I can never repay you for all that."54

In future years, Jimmy and Michael would become life long friends.55

A few months after the Prescott's visit, Jimmy received a letter from one of the country's most prestigious universities, offering him a full scholarship at their engineering school.56

Jimmy's imagination was overflowing with ideas about what things he would be able to create and what adventures lay ahead. During the weeks following the shipwreck adventure, Jimmy thought long and hard about whether it was now time to share his secret with his parents. He thought that if he demonstrated the alien devices, used to locate Michael Prescott, he might be able to persuade them that he had actually traveled, virtually, to another planet, where he learned how to build these remarkable devices. Finally, he decided to do it, and hope for the best.57

The following evening after his sister had been put to bed, Jimmy asked his parents if he could speak to them. Noting the serious expression on his face, his parents looked at each other and agreed. So there would be no interruptions, Jimmy disconnected the telephone.58

“I know you've both wondered how I was able to find the island where Michael Prescott was stranded, but were being patient about it”, Jimmy began. 59

“Well, I have been waiting until I felt I had some chance of convincing you of what has been going on for the past several months. The experience with Michael may be the answer.60

"I'll start by saying that you, at first, are not going to believe me. I was able to find Michael because of some equipment that I was taught how to build. This equipment does not exist anywhere else on earth.”61

Jimmy's parents looked at each other and smiled.62

Jimmy thought sadly, “They are already thinking that I'm making this up.”63

He continued, “This is not just a tall tale. When I show the equipment to you and what it does, you won't believe your eyes. It will take time to set up so I can't show it to you tonight. We'll have to do it this weekend.64

Tonight, I'll just tell you how we rescued Michael.”65

Then, leaving out the part about the alien planet, Jimmy first, told them that he could talk to animals, birds, and other creatures. Then, he described how he had met Chip, and how Chip had made contact with the birds. Then he described how Chip had gone to the Pacific, and with the help of the island birds, had found the island and Michael. 66

By the time he got that far in the story, his parents had big grins on their faces. 67

Though it was clear that they were convinced he was making this up, Jimmy plugged ahead. When he described the sensor and his virtual trip to the island, they rolled their eyes up and laughed heartily.68

Grinning sheepishly, Jimmy said, "I can't blame you for laughing. I know it sounds like I made up the story. Just the same, it's true; all of it!69

"Now for the proof! 70

"First, how was I able to talk with the hawk? Chip isn't here at the moment, so for now, I will have to use Shep.”71

Shep, who was lying at Jimmy's feet, raised his ears when he heard his name.72

Jimmy said, “Shep you and I are going to play, now.” Shep came to his feet and wagged his tail. “First, pull Dad's slipper off his right foot and bring it to me.”73

Shep proceeded to where Jimmy's father was sitting and, after a brief tussle, pulled the slipper off, carried it over to Jimmy, and dropped it into his outstretched hand.74

Both parents were wide eyed at this.75

“How did you get him to do that?” asked his father.76

Sensing that his Dad was not totally convinced, Jimmy said, “OK Dad, you tell me what I should ask him to do."77

After thinking about it for a moment, his father said, with a grin, “Have him go out in the kitchen and bring me the broom.” 78

Jimmy repeated the instructions to Shep, who wagged his tail, and rushed from the room. A few minutes later, he was back, carrying the broom in his teeth. He dropped it into the father's lap, and backed away, tail wagging vigorously.79

Jimmy turned to his mother and said, “What would you like Shep to do, Mom?”80

His father was sitting, speechless, staring at the broom in his lap.81

Jimmy's mother, equally amazed at what Shep had just done, paused for a moment, then said, “Have Shep go up to my bedroom and bring me the pillow off my bed.” Jimmy repeated the instructions to Shep, who dashed from the room, returning shortly, and deposited the pillow on the stunned mother's lap.82

The parents, no longer smiling, looked first at each other, then at Shep, and then at Jimmy.83

Grinning, Jimmy said, “See!”84

Realizing he now had their undivided attention, Jimmy proceeded, “I can also talk to other animals, birds, and fish. That's how I was able to communicate with the hawk.”85

Convinced that he had actually talked to Shep, his parents now wanted to know how he had learned to do this,86

Jimmy replied, ”I'll wait until after you’ve seen the equipment to tell you that. It will be easier to believe, then. You're not quite ready yet.” They talked for a while longer and then agreed that Jimmy would give his demonstration, on the following Sunday.87

Jimmy reconnected the telephone, then went off to shower and to bed.88

Some months before, Jimmy had announced to the family that he was working on some "secret stuff," that must be kept under lock and key. The family had taken it as a joke, but his mother had purchased a large trunk for him, and a lock. Jimmy had placed the trunk in an unused corner of the basement shop. In it he kept all the alien devices, shrunken in size but with their full weight. The trunk was therefore too heavy to be easily lifted; it was kept locked.89

Early Sunday morning, Jimmy retrieved from the trunk all the alien devices and set them up on the workbenches. He powered them, each from its own power receptor, all of which were powered from a single super battery. 90

After lunch, Jimmy's sister, Susan, was sent across the street, to a girl friend's house.91

Then, Jimmy and his parents went to the basement shop.92

First, Jimmy swore his parents to absolute secrecy.93

Jimmy first explained the super battery, and how it was charged from a solar converter. He described how it could store almost unlimited energy, and deliver its stored energy in the form of electricity, heat, or light. He showed how it provided its energy, without wires, to the various energy receptors.94

He pointed out that the energy receptors were wired to the various new devices, and noted that they could also be wired to the equipment in the old shop, making it independent of the city power system.95

His mother, not being an engineer, looked a little confused, but his father followed the explanation with interest.96

He now thought to himself, "If this doesn't convince them, nothing will!" 97

He then demonstrated the device for changing the size of an object. Using the portable TV set, he first showed that it operated. Then, leaving it running, he shrunk it to about a tenth of its original size. It went right on operating.98

He showed that its weight had not decreased. Using the levitator, he then reduced the TV’s weight to almost nothing, holding it in the palm of his hand. The set continued to operate.99

For the first time, he looked directly at his parents. They were staring in amazement at the tiny TV set in his hand.100

Next, Jimmy discussed the super sensor but could not demonstrate it, since only he had the mental training to use it.101

His parents were speechless. As he had promised, there were no such devices on earth! He had built them but how?102

"Now, are you ready to hear where I learned how to build these things?" Jimmy asked.103

His parents nodded silently.104

Jimmy now told of how he had found himself in space, arrived on the alien planet, and met Alto and his father. He related how he visited the planet several times, to attend "school". 105

He explained that he visited the planet virtually, with his mind only. He also noted that Alto had told him, that his was one of the few minds on earth that these aliens could communicate with. That was why he was chosen as their contact here.106

Now, the three of them sat silently and looked at each other.107

"Have they told you why they contacted you?" asked his father.108

Jimmy repeated what Alto had said, about the history of the human species, and their limited success in communicating with earth. They seemed to feel obligated to help the people of Earth, who they believed were descendents of their own ancestors. It would take too long to travel the great distances that separated the worlds, so they had decided on the virtual method of communication, transporting only the minds.109

Jimmy commented that at some point, it would be necessary to inform the Earth's governments. However, he did not believe that any single country could represent all of the various earth governments. Alto had said nothing about individual countries. He wanted to provide technology to all the people of this planet. Until how to do that was decided, Jimmy felt the issue should be kept secret from everyone, including the government of his own country. He admitted that this made him very uncomfortable. He felt he could use the new technology for good but would have to do it very carefully.110

Thinking aloud, Jimmy's father said, "The idea of hiding this from our own government concerns me too. I think we should try to find out who else on this planet has been contacted."111

"I think your father and I need time to digest what you have told us," added his mother. "Don't worry about keeping it secret; there is nothing else we can do for now."112

A week went by and then the three met again to discuss the issue.113

"I feel no closer to an answer regarding contacting the government about this," began his father.114

"I feel the same way," added his mother.115

Jimmy offered, "I feel that way too. I've been thinking about it a little longer than you have but I still don't know who to trust enough, to give them these secrets."116

His father inserted, "Introduction of just the energy converter would have a huge impact on the earth's oil and natural gas industries. Suppose we no longer needed these to power our heating systems, air conditioning, factory machinery, and automobiles! That would be great, but think of the effect if all the people now working in these industries were suddenly thrown out of work!"117

"If we wait awhile, maybe the answer to this will be clearer," Jimmy added. "In the mean time, what do we do? It seems wasteful not to put this information to use. There are so many things here on Earth that need fixing, and we have these great tools!" 118

"You're right," said his father. "There are a lot of good things that could be done, but we will have to be very careful. Perhaps the new technology can be leaked to the public a little at a time, by articles in international professional magazines, like the IEEE Proceedings. If I knew more about the details, I might be able to write articles describing the basics of some of these devices. Do you think you could explain to me how these things work?"119

Jimmy replied, "Maybe, but I don't really know a lot about why they work. I'm supposed to learn more about that later in the training."120

Jimmy's mother offered, "Would it make sense for Jimmy to continue going to their school and learn more about this technology? Perhaps in a year or two, we would know enough to begin distributing the basics to the public, a little at a time. Then, let earth's inventors apply the new ideas, to how things are done here on earth, so the changes could come about, gradually. This would give people time to gradually shift away from the present way of doing things, to the new ways. 121

"Some years ago there was a changeover from coal to oil, for heating homes and operating factories. A lot of coal miners and people that deliver it lost their jobs. At the same time, new jobs became available in the oil industry.122

"While you two are trying to apply what you know toward helping solve some of the world's problems, we will keep what we know secret from everyone here on Earth."123

After thinking about what was said, Jimmy's father said, "That makes sense to me."124

"Me too!" added Jimmy.125

That having been decided, the three began discussing what to do next to get started. It was agreed that Jimmy and his Dad needed a laboratory in which to design and build the necessary equipment for doing these things. The laboratory would have to be kept secret. To begin with, the current workshop would be used. The alien based devices could be kept in a container that could be shrunk and hidden, somewhere in the shop. 126

The work involving the alien devices might be done virtually, without restoring the equipment to normal size. However, at the moment, only Jimmy was trained to operate virtually. Could he teach his father to do this? This was a question for Alto. It was agreed that Jimmy and his father would prepare a list of questions for Alto.127

High on the list were:128

1 - How to train someone to work with the super sensor. At the moment, only Jimmy could do this. The skill had been implanted in his mind. Alto could not read Jimmy's fathers mind and so could not do this for him.129

2 - How to operate physical devices virtually, in other words, how to cause switches to switch and dials to turn by mental action alone. Up to now, Jimmy was able to use the sensor to observe distant scenes, but was unable to cause any physical changes there.130

3 - How to make the laboratory invisible.131

4 - How to create a force field around the laboratory, to block access by others.132

"Looks like it's time to go back to school," said Jimmy.133

He set these four items in his mind with a request for training on them and waited for the next time Alto read his mind. It took about a week and Jimmy found himself in space again and soon was sitting down with Alto and his father. They had a lot to talk about and congratulated Jimmy on finding Michael.134

They were able to provide training on all the items at the top of the list. How to work with the super sensor was re-implanted in Jimmy's mind. Also implanted was how to build a device for copying, from Jimmy's mind directly to his father's mind. The information to be copied had to be specially tagged at the time it was implanted in Jimmy's mind. The training operation went smoothly and Jimmy was soon on his way home.135

When he got home, Jimmy set right to work collecting the parts, and building the mind copying device. It took him about three weeks to complete it.136

Late one night, Jimmy, his father, and mother sat down together in the shop. Jimmy and his father each wore strange looking helmets. Jimmy reached out and pushed a button on a device that sat on the workbench in front of him. A yellow light glowed on the front panel for about ten minutes. When it went out, they removed their helmets.137

"Well," asked Jimmy.138

"I don't know," laughed his father, "I don't feel any different."139

"Let's try out the sensor," Jimmy replied. A sensor was already set up on another workbench. Jimmy switched it on. Standing beside the sensor, he felt only a slight movement, as his point of reference moved from where he was standing to where the sensor sat on the workbench. 140

However, his father experienced the feeling that he had jumped across the room, from where he was standing beside Jimmy’s mother, to where the sensor sat. Jimmy smiled at the startled look on his father’s face.141

Now, Jimmy picked up the sensor and its attached energy receptor, and carried them out of the room, up the stairs and out into the backyard. He placed them on the ground under the Elm tree, and then walked back to the patio behind the house. The yard was lit up by spot lights mounted on the house and the garage.142

Now Jimmy thought, "Well Dad, what do you see?" Immediately, in his mind, he heard his father's voice. "I'm standing in the backyard, under the Elm tree."143

"Great!" said Jimmy. "Now try to force your mind away from the sensor for a few moments." 144

There was a short pause and then Jimmy heard his father's voice again. "When I forced my mind away from the sensor, I found myself back in the shop, standing beside your mother. When I relaxed, I was, immediately, back in the yard."145

Jimmy picked up the sensor and returned to the shop. When he put the sensor down on the workbench and switched it off, his father said, in an excited voice, "I made that trip back into the house and down the stairs with you."146

Jimmy's mother was smiling happily, relieved that the experiment had succeeded and that Jimmy and his father were both alright.147

Jimmy said to his father, “Now we can work together, virtually, in the new laboratory.”148

149

In a list

Did you like this? Would you like more?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have 0. (?) (Line numbers)
    Ratings:

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    The showing and dialogue make it more fun to read and add realism to the story.

    Hi Lou, hope you had a good week.

    I read over the updated version. You have definitely made some improvement, so the people interact better with one another and in turn allow the reader to be part of the action.

    The showing and dialogue make it more fun to read and add realism to the story. Jimmy is starting to sound more like I'd expect a boy his age.

    I can see the importance of the Prescotts. Without them, Jimmy could very easily become a pawn of our government officials or even less scrupulous individuals when it becomes known some of things he is capable of doing or building. The wealth and power of Michael’s family can protect Jimmy and his family. Their industrial capabilities can be a great benefit.

    You keep putting in these comical scenes like Jimmy and Shep’s efforts to convince Jimmy’s parents, can only make the story all the better.

    Thumbs up,

    Geri

    beginning: 5, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, characters: 5.

    • Lou Berg
      January 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Geri,

      Thanks for rereading the update.

      Opinion is divided on its merit. I have received at least one opinion that I had merely added superfluous dialog rather than substituting dialog for narrative.

      I still haven't attracted any avid readers who bug me to post new chapters. The comments I am getting are sporadic with long gaps in between. I originally had expected the story to attract "fans" but that has not happened. I can only expect the same would be true of readers who had to buy the book to read it. They are just not that enthusiastic. Having written it, I think it is pretty good but maybe not good enough.I have more chapters written but can see no point in posting more of the same.

      I still haven't heard from a half dozen or so agents I sent the prologue to so there is still the chance that one of them will try to rain fame and fortune on me.

      I am not holding my breath waiting.

      Lou


  • Andy Stephenson gold member
    January 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Good.

    p9 'how are you?',

    They could use the Prescott's companies to gradually introduce these devices to the world. I suspect that this may be what you have in mind. What other devices are there going to be, I wonder?

    Actually, if the government became aware of Jimmy's devices, they would probably want control over him and those. Jimmy and his family would probably need the help of the Prescotts and their protection. It will be interesting to see where you go from here.

    Andy

    • Lou Berg
      January 17, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Hi Andy,

      Wow, you have made my day! Thank you so much for reading everything.

      You have touched on the one critical issue that must eventually be faced, how to deal with the government. For now, that is being postponed.

      You've caught up with me. What do you think, should I post more? I have been waiting to see how my mailing to the agents works out. If I don't get a positive response, I may assume this is not publishing quality and just stop.

      Lou

      • Andy Stephenson gold member
        January 17, 2008
        Edit | Reply

        Hi Lou

        I don't see how it can hurt to post more. I'm interested to see what is yet to come.

        I think that the series is publishable, but of course; you still have to find a publisher or agent. It's up to you whether you quit or not. Judging from what you have put into it, I think you should keep trying.

        Andy

  • gerifitzsimmons Greeters member
    January 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I think you would have made a wonderful teacher. You have a great imagination, an awful lot of book learning—grin.

    Sharing the Secret

    Hello Lou, an interesting read- a lot of which was way over my head—grin.

    I have to be honest here; the first half had you back to telling instead of showing. So while the writing is very well done, clear and easy to follow, there is no action.

    Nothing for the reader to take part in only they must sit back and listen to a recitation of what has already taken place. Of course it does clear up any doubts about what we assumed happened.But you have to ask yourself, in an action story like this how much of that is important for the reader to know? how much slows the flow and disrupts the plot?

    The ideas behind theses scenes are great, still I would like to ‘See’ your characters interacting with each other. Michael, acknowledging how close he came to giving up, then grabbing Jimmy and telling him, he didn’t care how he did it—but he owed him his life while, Mr. Prescott handed over a blank check and Jimmy’s dad refused to take it; all this would make grand emotional scenes. Telling us is not the same as letting the characters show us.

    Once you let Jimmy and his parents and of course Shep take the lead, the story becomes fun again. We had activity, dialogue, and humor and felt like we were part of the action. Learning new things took second place from what was occurring on stage. I think you would have made a wonderful teacher. You have a great imagination, an awful lot of book learning—grin. Let the imagination overshadow the knowledge a little so the kids having fun reading while learning.

    Geri

    beginning: 3, language: 5, plot: 5, ending: 5, dialog: 5, characters: 4.

    • Lou Berg
      January 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Hi Geri,

      Thanks a lot for the review.

      I think you are right. When I wrote this, I had a lot to say. Now that it is said, I should go back over it and see how to make it less stiff. I will work on it.

      Thanks again,

      Lou

  • slashinguk
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Decent storyline as ever

    As ever, you achieve a decent and interesting progression in your story. There are a few paragraphing problems and it's usual form to have a quotation opening at the start of every paragraph in which speech is already under way (though not at the end if the speaking continues in the next paragraph).

    The story remains linear and there is no conflict or disagreement about how to move forward. I think this would add some interest, if one of the parents were to favour contacting the government for instance. The end result could be the same, but you have an opportunity to explore the pros and cons, not just one position. The whole family are in remarkable agreement about almost everything - they are of one mind - and therefore, little more interesting than if they were a single character.

    Good quality writing as with the previous chapters, but try to shake things up a bit and raise the conflict a little to leave the reader feeling a little unsure.

    • Lou Berg
      January 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for reading and commenting on the latest segment.

      I think I have cleaned up most of the errors you pointed out. This text was written some time ago and I have since learned a bit more about how to format text. Also, the software seems to introduce its own paragraph breaks when transferring from Word to this site; I removed these spurious breaks.

      I added a hint of the coming conflict regarding keeping the secret from ones own government. Just how far to go in dealing with this ethical and legal issue I am not sure. I recognize it but don't want to distract too much from the main story line.

      Thanks also for responding so quickly. You continue to be a big help to me.

      Lou

1 - 9 of 9