Judgment Day

“Well, that’s it! The ‘quick and the dead’ have all had their Day of Judgment, and been assigned to Heaven or Hell. That was a long session, but it’s nice to have things wrapped up, isn’t it, Peter?”1

“Maybe not exactly ‘wrapped up’...”2

“What on earth do you mean?”3

“Actually, there’s a page and a half of names left.”4

“So where are they? Why didn’t they come when the trump sounded?”5

“Ipods, probably. And lack of interest. They don’t bother with the news.”6

“Let’s hold a little brainstorming session, right now. Specifications?”7

“Predominantly single, aging, unemployed males. They live in their parents’ basements and spend a lot of time on computers, with bi-weekly outings to congregate for Dungeons & Dragons games. Those are Role-Player-Games [RPG’s] where you have to participate in person. You can spot a ‘noob’ by how they hold their player identity close to their faces, and keep their eyes shifting about to assure no one peeks at their ‘character’.”8

“So how do we get them here for judgment?”9

“Young men...free food?”10

“No problem! Everyone wants an invite to the land of “Milk and Honey!”11

“Not exactly…lactose intolerance is a biggie, and they prefer Mountain Dew.”12

“You’re kidding! What do they eat?”13

“'Floor food', mostly. Cold pizza, chips, crackers, granola bars; anything that requires no preparation and therefore takes the fewest moments away from their gaming. Halo, World of Warcraft, Diablo, Final Fantasy...they go for days at a time with breaks only for toileting and floor food.”14

“So they can...win?”15

“Nothing that simple. The real pinnacle is to ‘own’, ‘pown’, or ‘frag’ (as in obliterate) as many opponents as possible, to prove yourself the Basement Nerd with the ‘best’ trigger finger!”16

“Do they have any other interests in life? Girls?”17

“ As their primary socialization is in computer-generated (usually battle) social situations, that’s rather daunting. Most of them have trouble maintaining eye contact and non-gaming conversation for over 3 minutes. Not that they are entirely uninterested.”18

“So they have goals to eventually get married and settle down as husbands and providers?”19

“Well, more like to 'marry their mothers’.”20

“That’s Incest!!”21

“Pardon me, Sir, let me qualify that! They would be willing to marry ANYONE able to feed, clothe, shelter and provide internet, periodic gaming upgrades, cell phone (with texting) and cable TV for them, without being too demanding.”22

“Too demanding?”23

“Oh, You know...at least weekly personal hygiene, holding down a paying job, moving one’s dirty dishes to the dishwasher, regular chores, that kind of thing.”24

“Are any of Eve’s daughters that stupid?”25

“Well, some are terribly lonely, and a few are desperate...”26

“How do I get this little bunch in here?”27

“You could load the D&D dice so a +12 instructs them to ‘Go directly to Judgment’.”28

“Too slow. And I want them all!”29

“We could design a specialized EMP* to affect all computer connections, gaming systems, cell-phone transmissions, and cable T.V. They’d be rioting in the streets until their Mountain Dew wore off.”30

“No, someone might get hurt. Try this. Have our best and brightest design a gaming system that leaves the current top-of-the-line X-boxes, PSPs, and Gameboys hopelessly and pathetically outdated. Put out a general bulletin that we are seeking beta-testers for said unit. 31

I want the first sheet out of each box to specify in bold type that ‘due to the sensitive nature of this new level of technology, the system should only be set up and operated in a very nearly dust-free environment. Operators should take special care that operation area and operators are clean. If dust intake exceeds allowable levels, the system will automatically shut down for a 24 hour period to reset and allow operator to inspect and clean environment.’ Got that? Oh, and be sure to specify, ‘System has unusual sensitivity to corn chip dust’.32

Second sheet, also bold type: ‘A select few will be allowed to keep the units after a testing period, if they pass a personal interview with Corporate' (that’s you and Me, Peter!). 33

After a month of testing, call them all in. We’ll have our interviews, give Judgment, and we’ll be through at last!”34

“Where will they end up?”35

“It appears that few are technically material for Hell, and I sure don’t want them lazing around Heaven. We’ll have to make them a place of their own; an ‘Elsewhere’. What do you think?”36

“Let’s see...based on their lifestyle, interests and priorities...living at home, fantasy gaming...How about Living At Home Fantasy Studs? LAHFS? We could call their place “Just for LAHFS?” 37

“I like it. Do it. I am not well-pleased with this little group!”38

“Sir?”39

“Once relocated to Just, see that their internet connections cut out from time to time, and that none of the RPG’s have sufficient memory to save character specs at anything beyond a level 5. 40

See if anyone with a bottom-feeder rating in Customer Service wants to transfer from Hell to man the complaint switchboard. And only one, mind you! 41

Load the D&D dice so that every other time around they compel one player to complete 5 minutes of personal hygiene, and all play is paused until it is completed. And no more Mountain Dew. These boys are on preservative-free, all natural WATER!” 42

“I don’t think there will be a lot of laughter when THIS comes out!”43

“Probably not. But the last laugh will still be Mine!”44

*****45

*EMP = an ElectroMagneticPulse, causing running electronic devices to fail, usually generated by nuclear explosion46