1
A calmness descended upon me, a fatal freezing of the thought processes, as I watched her die before me. There were no thoughts of anger, no hatred, no happiness. It was as if all the feelings in me just a fraction of a second before had simply been vacuumed out. I stared into her eyes, hoping to see something in them, something I could rest my hopes, my dreams on. 2
Something I could latch my very life onto. 3
A sudden piece of advice a friend had told me years before struck its way into my consciousness. “Never put so much of yourself into one person.” I processed this but could not understand it at the time, much as I couldn’t at that very moment. She’d wanted me to open my mind up to her, to lay bare all my thoughts and emotions to her. It was such a natural and subtle thing that I’d barely realized it at the time, but it all came flooding through right then. First meeting. First date. Taking her home the first time, pushing through my embarrassment of my living conditions because she said she didn’t care. Proposal, I remembered, my heart was in my throat as I waited that half-second for her to answer. The wedding, so many friends and family members and ghosts of the past. All of it went by so fast, I hardly noticed then, but I saw everything right then, and had to choke back a tear in my throat, an unwanted emotion that had to stay put. 4
“Goddamn man, you were right, I shoulda known…” 5
She stirred in my arms and I immediately took back my last thought. Here she was dying and I was regretting ever even getting so close to her. Try that on one day if you wanted to know what hitting rock bottom feels like. 6
“I’m…I can’t, my legs, I can’t feel them,” she sputtered, barely able to voice her suspicions, the missing sensation that should’ve been there but wasn’t. 7
“Don’t worry, they’re fine. You hang in there, alright?” 8
The calm that once defined my brain had been completely swept aside by her statement. It brought me back into the real world, though I didn’t want to be there. She was dying, she would die, holy shit, what the hell would I do? She was awake, she was suffering, I didn’t want her to suffer, but there was nothing I could do. I couldn’t tell her the truth, she couldn’t know what’d just happened to her. I forced a choked smile that felt about as real as a politician’s promises, but four years of marriage doesn’t make your spouse stupid. She saw right through my countenance and turned even paler than she’d already been, if that was possible. A look of horror passed over her face as she realized the terrible, screamingly silent truth that bled from my eyes like water from a broken dam. 9
“They’re…gone.” 10
I could do nothing, and I could say even less. 11
“They’re gone,” she repeated. 12
I slowly nodded and said, “Yes.” 13
A shroud of unspeakable sadness and grief fell upon me then, silencing my every thought and lacing my emotions with a deadly dose of despair, dampening any chance I had of feeling some sort of hope. She would never walk again, if she even lived. No, wait, she wouldn’t live, I had to accept that. 14
I touched the tips of my index and middle fingers to my lips and then to hers, our way of saying, “I love you,” without actually saying it. It was our trademark, our sign, every couple had one. Before I knew it, she was gone, and I was left with the body of my beloved on the side of some God-forsaken road in the suburbs of a neighborhood I didn’t know. 15
The very same calmness I felt earlier descended upon me once more, like a thick blanket depriving one of light and air. I kept my fingers to her lips for a second longer, then withdrew them. I remembered my friend’s words once again, like a fucking symphony of bullshit in an empty music hall. 16
“Don’t ever put so much of yourself into one person.” Right, like he’d ever know the meaning of “loss.” Just another reminder of foolish friends who knew nothing about me. But now my life was over, and there was nothing to know about it. I ceased to live the day her breath ran out and her blood ran cold. I was dead to the world and myself, as those words arose once again, like a broken record player that could never be fixed…17
Author notes
This is something I whipped up in the wee hours of the morning. I'm not a lovey-dovey, sappy-load-of-shit story writer, so I figured this was something I could do. So I wrote this. I hope y'all enjoy it.
What did you think? Please comment!
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
-
-
semi-sorta-good-terms?
Maybe...
-
Awww, don't worry, I imagine relations between you and love shall open up once again; after all, the U.S. and Russia got back to semi-sorta-good-terms after the Cold War .
-
Love! You portrayed it well. Except I'm not at good terms with love, so I'm moving on.
♥ -
Thanks.
-
It was an awsome, yet sad story. Great job!
Ashleigh
-
This was a heavy story. You did a good job of telling what your protagonist was going through in it. We don't know what happened to the victim and that's okay. Something about it though, makes me feel that the husband was somehow responsible for the death though I can't put my finger on why. Good descriptions too.
-
Thank you. It plays off experience you say? If it something that happened to you, I'm sorry for your loss. Personally, something like this has never happened to me, and I can only hope it never does. Good luck judging the contest when it's time to.
-
Thanks; to be honest, I've gotten to be a pretty impatient person, and, much to my chagrin, this has limited my writing abilities. As a result, I tend to write more in-the-moment pieces, and that's what I tried achieving with this, as well as things I've written since then. Other than it not being very long, I'm glad you liked the piece. Good luck in the contest.
-
This was a beautiful and wonderful story. Thank you so much for entering. It was one of the things I was looking for and very well written. For me, it plays off experience so it really hit home for me, which probably gives you an advantage. But this is actually a wonderful piece and did cause me to tear up. Extraordinary job. Good luck.
Melissa -
while it was not a tearjerker for me, this was a really interesting story. the scenario is unique as are the descriptions and flashbacks. overall very good writing, but i would have liked to see this carry on a bit more
-
Well, the idea was that the guy in the story took his friend's advice, but once his wife had died, he regretted having gotten so involved, but that's not necessarily a good thing; love with everything you have, and that's what the main character did before the events in this story took place.
-
Nice job. Thanks for entering the contest. I like this. Everybody has advice about love and how much of it really applies to everyone? Some people just have to love with everything or they don't feel like it's love. I for one Don't see how you can't put too much of yourself in one person. If your holding back isn't that like lying. your not all there.
I love this
peace
Lizzie -
I like to let my readers try and figure out things for themselves; I don't like to define the reasons for each and every little thing. I'll give clues, and in this one, the clue was that she lost her legs; how could she have done this? Any number of ways. It's up to the reader to decide what scenario he/she can think of and go with.
-
Oh Goodness, this was some piece, very short, could have been longer, but it was good, the cuss words added a bit more feeling lol, why did he put her on the side of the road, maybe you should explain things a bit more, if you want to fix it, I will be willing to read applaud, promote and try to get some more of my friends to do the same thing
-
Hmmm...thanks for pointing out those typos to me. The first one you mentioned, the "Try that on..." line, that was intentional, though I suppose I should change "wanted" to simply "want." The idea is that the main character is telling the story after it's already happened, and is speaking to the reader in the sense of, "You think you know what rock bottom is? I had it worse." The second was simply a typo, and as for the third one, I suppose that does sound a bit angsty, and that's not really my style, so yeah, I should change "stupid" to something else. I couldn't really figure out what you were saying in your last sentence, though: "If you ever want to join a writing group group a leader of Novel Idea and would love to have you as a member." I'd say you made a few typos there yourself! Lol.
-
"Try that on one day if you wanted to know what hitting rock bottom feels like." Who's the you? I would take the you out and rephrase it because it takes the reader out of the mind of the main character.
"...our way of saying, “I love you,” with actually saying it." Do you mean without here instead of with?
"Just another reminder of stupid friends who knew nothing about me." I don't think the word stupid fits here...maybe try a different word or just say friends.
Other then those few details I loved the story and was able to connect with the main character. You painted a vivid picture of his emotions and I felt like I was the person losing someone. This story shows what a talented writer your becoming and I can’t wait to read more of your stories. If you ever want to join a writing group group a leader of Novel Idea and would love to have you as a member
-
Lol, it's not about me; it's not based on any actual events. I'm glad you apparently liked it though. I used to have a hard time coming up with realistic dialogue, and I've been working on that a lot lately, so when I wrote this, I felt I did a better job with dialogue than a lot of my other stories.
-
very touching. rather interesting how you compare the rest of your life to a broken record player. did you play her a lot when you were alive? lolz, jk buddy.
the dialogue is simple and matter-of-factly. you cooked that portion up well. it, in a way, amplifies the severity of your attachment to her. -
Thanks; I can't stand that sappy, love-fest bullshit, not because it's not true (for some couples it is, and hey, that's great, don't get me wrong), but because I don't wanna read it lol.
-
Hey I really liked this one I love the ending and the whole story line,I like the fact that she died and that this showed what real love can be like instead of the fairy tale stuff...nice job
-
Thanks. I wasn't too concerned with describing what it was that'd happened to the loved one, as I wanted to get inside the main character's head. I hope I was able to achieve this, but even if I didn't, I know I enjoyed writing it. Good luck in judging the contest; I'll get around to commenting on other people's entries here sooner or later.
-
This was awesome! I've already known that you weren't a love-dovey, sappy-load-of-shit story writer, and normally I don't like to read that stuff. I really liked your story, and I like the fact that I saw no typos or grammatical (sp?) errors (but who knows there maybe some). I'm not quiet sure I understand exactly what is going on, other than the fact that a loved one dies, I got that. Well Great Job, as usual! GOOD LUCK!
~Katie~
Adding your comment:
1 - 23 of 23
