The Circle's End

“Miss Cutler? Willow- is it okay if I call you Willow?”1

I stared down at the thin blanket of the hospital bed, not wanting to meet the intense gaze of Dr. Averill, the psychiatrist that had been sent to speak with me by either the hospital staff or my parents. I didn’t want to speak with her… I couldn’t speak with her. I just couldn’t. I couldn’t even look at her.2

To talk to this woman, this probing stranger, this adult, about Damian and Calder, Lily and Liza… I could not do it. If I could not speak then, before it all occurred- before everything in my existence imploded- I could not now, after all I had seen… after what I had done. After I had betrayed them all in so many ways…3

And I had betrayed them. I had betrayed them all, but especially Liza. I had betrayed them by my actions and my non-actions, by not saving them all. I had betrayed them by surviving… but mostly, the most bitter betrayal of all, I had betrayed them because I had never wanted to die.4

“Willow,” Dr. Averill was saying, still looking at me with all the intensity of those trained in medical or psychological fields of study. “I would like to help you, Willow. You have suffered a terrible shock- a terrible loss. But I cannot know how to help you unless you tell me exactly what has happened.”5

But I did not know… I honestly was no longer sure. I had never been sure in the first place. How could I be when everything now seemed so surreal, so blurred and fuzzy in my mind? How could I know what had happened when I was still reeling, still trying to deny everything that had occurred, still trying to find some explanation that would explain it all away, bring everything back to the way it had once been?6

As vague and unreal as everything else seemed to me, there were some flashes in my mind, some vivid images I could not control, that kept interrupting, interfering with the unreality of the rest. Images of Liza… Liza smiling, Liza touching my arm, whispering in my ear. Liza dancing with Calder, Liza with her arms protectively around Lily, Liza smirking at Damian… and Liza, in that last, terrible moment, the desperate pain in her eyes as she held the gun to her head…7

I shivered, horrible chills running up and down my arms, my spine, as I saw her, as I relived her. Something hot and desperately painful rose up behind my eyes, a pounding pressure that I could give no release.8

Dr. Averill was still watching me as I blinked hard, trying to banish all visions, all thoughts, from my mind. Her voice softened, and she leaned closer to me, her words gentle but still ineffective.9

“Willow. I know this can’t be easy for you. I know you must want to forget, to deny what has happened. I know you want me to leave, to let you be alone. But that is not something I can do. You need to talk to me, Willow. We need to know what has happened to you and Damian- to the others. We need to know so we can do all we can to help you. If you want to be able to go home- if you want to avoid possible criminal charges or a stay in a psychiatric center- then we need to have you working to get better, working with us. We want to help you, but you must want to be helped.”10

Couldn’t she see, I thought dully, still staring mutely at the blanket on my lap, I didn’t want to be. I never had… none of us had. And now none of us could be, least of all me. I did not deserve it, and I did not want it.11

I closed my eyes, trying harder to block out Dr. Averill. Her voice, her presence, her existence.12

But even with my eyes shut I could not slow down my thoughts… I could not banish my visions of Liza. I wondered dimly if I was now doomed, forever to carry her and all the others with me in my mind and my sight forever, until I finally agreed to or was sentenced to join them.13

Dr. Averill continued to speak, but I tuned her out, trying to hear nothing, surround myself in a sightless, soundless ball of nonexistence. All I wanted was to sink back into the same unconsciousness I had held so easily only a few hours ago… a state of being that was close to the death I had once rejected, but now would nearly welcome, should it decide to present itself to me.14

*************************************************************15

The first time she mentioned it, we were at my house on a Friday night, hanging around in my basement. As usual, my parents were either not around or so occupied that they never came into our line of vision, let alone attempted to monitor us as Calder or Damian’s parents might have. But even had they been around, my parents wouldn’t have bothered to check up on us. It wasn’t so much that Diane and Keith Cutler held such great trust in their daughter as that, seventeen years after my birth, they still sometimes seem surprised by my existence. It’s fairly obvious to me without them having to say anything that I wasn’t exactly a planned conception.216

We were sitting around the little coffee table, scattered apart slightly while still remaining close. Calder Blair was sitting on a beat-up love seat to the side of the little couch where Liza Giovanni had wedged herself in between the cigarette-smoking Damian Vincent and a fidgety Lily Raiden, who was, as usual, very quiet, biting at her fingernails when she wasn’t talking, which was the vast majority of the time. And I was perched on a wicker chair nearby, one that only accentuated the badly mismatched couch and love seat’s clashing ugliness. My parents are about as diligent with their decorating as with their protective parenting.317

I remember that Damian was blabbering on, as usual, about some sexy guy that he was certain had been making eyes at him in the grocery store- and in the freezer section, right beside the whipped cream, of course. He was bemoaning the fact that, as he had been with his mother, he could not return the guy’s gaze, let alone mouth seductive phrases or exchange phone numbers. The fact that Damian had told no one but the four of us that he was gay, from a respect for the life his father and brothers would have put an end to should they ever find out, never seemed to stop him from engaging in romantic exchanges with other guys. Or at least telling tall tales of them.418

He had just began to ponder whether the unknown stranger had looked more like Antonio Banderas or Jay Hernandez when Liza interrupted him with a hand to his leg.519

“You know, I was thinking. It would be really something if we all killed ourselves.”620

At those casually tossed-out words, all four of us turned to stare at her, incredulous. As used as we were to Liza’s often twisted humor, this was enough to throw us. Even Damian forgot about his grocery store Romeo for long enough to gawk at her.721

“ ‘Something’ ?” he repeated, raising his eyebrows. “You mean, ‘something stupid’?”822

Liza didn’t answer him, merely smiling a bit condescendingly at him before continuing, her dark eyes intense and clearly serious.923

“Like a pact. A suicide pact, between the five of us. We all have to die at some point, right? So- why not now? Why not do it together?”1024

We just looked at her, Lily worrying another fingernail with her teeth. I glanced at the other four, my eyes troubled. Surely they all felt like I did-surely they were hoping that Liza was kidding, that she was just trying to psyche us out, using some of the morbid humor that was so typical of her. And surely that was what she was doing- right? Liza didn’t want to die. She wasn’t the type. I was more likely to kill myself than she was, and I certainly didn’t’ want to die.1125

“Um- yeah, we all have to die- but why does that mean we have to die right now?” Damian said bluntly, taking the words straight from my mind. “Isn’t it preferable to wait until we’re older? Much, much older?”1226

“Yeah,” Calder said slowly, frowning at Liza with obvious unease on his pale face. “Are- are you serious? Where- where is this coming from? I mean- do you mean this?”1327

“We wouldn’t do it right now, silly,” Liza snorted, “do you see anything more lethal than cigarettes around here? We’d do it in a few weeks, once we got everything in order.”1428

“If there’s any rat poison stuff down here, don’t’ mention it, Willow,” Damian muttered, casting a half-serious glance my way. Liza ignored him, leaning forward and tossing some of her dark wavy hair behind her shoulders.1529

“No, we wouldn’t use poison. That’s too iffy- it might not work, someone might save us first. Plus it would be too painful. I’ve been thinking it out, and I think I know a good way. No wrist slashing- too emo and iffy, and again, painful. Ditto drowning and hanging. Besides, where would we have enough room or water? There’s not any huge buildings we can climb on and jump off, and again, we might just end up crippled for life. No pills either- too iffy again. And anyway, I’d want us all to die in the same moment, together. But I think I figured it out. We can get five guns, one for each of us. And we sit in a circle, and each of us holds a gun to the head of the person in front of us. And we can do it right here if you wanted, right in Willow’s basement. See, this way no one can chicken out at the last minute from fear, because you won’t actually be shooting yourself. And since we all die right away there won’t be pain.”1630

“Uh, where do you suppose we’re getting five guns?” Damian asked incredulously. “We going to rob a pawn shop, Liza?”1731

“Our parents- who else?” Liza replied, raising an eyebrow and smiling tightly. “Kind of a pointed little statement. And you know they have plenty. Your dad and brothers go hunting all the time, Damian.”1832

“I don’t know how to use a gun,” Calder said quickly, and I nodded, trying to latch onto a valid argument without angering Liza. Even then, even in that conversation, none of us wanted to hurt Liza. She was our leader in a way, the common thread that held our little group together. It was through her that we had first bonded into friends. Even Damian, with all his incredulous sarcasms, didn’t want to wound Liza, I knew, but rather to convince her otherwise.1933

“Oh, come on, that’s not a big deal. It’s not hard,” Liza said carelessly. “You pull the trigger, the deed is done. You won’t even have to put in the bullets, most likely.”2034

I snuck a look at Lily, who, like me, had said nothing throughout this exchange. She was staring at Liza, but her expression seemed to me more thoughtful, torn, than shocked. She still had one finger in her mouth, and her other hand absently gripped a strand of her reddish-blonde hair. Was she seriously considering what Liza was saying? I watched her, uneasy, and something about her made my stomach feel tight, uncomfortable.2135

“You- you really mean this, don’t you?” Damian said slowly, his tone suddenly shocked. He looked around at the rest of us, as if gauging our reactions as well. “Liza- you’re serious? You’ve really been thinking about this? This isn’t some kind of random Liza thing- you seriously want to do this? You want us to do this? You want us to die- all of us?”2236

“Well, yeah, that’s what I’ve been saying, isn’t it?” Liza repeated, nonplussed. She crossed her legs, began swinging her foot restlessly. My eyes for some reason could not tear away from her bare foot, moving rapidly from side to side. “Why is that so hard for you to accept, Damian?”2337

Damian just shook his head, running his hand through his iced blonde hair. Behind his glasses his pale hazel eyes looked as upset and shaky as I felt, as Lily’s constant nervous movements and Calder’s darting glances seemed to indicate.2438

“God,” he said shakily, “maybe, maybe because I didn’t exactly know you were freaking suicidal, Liza.”2539

“Liza,” I found myself saying aloud, my voice low and uncertain, and to my discomfort, everyone turned to look at me. I don’t speak very often- don’t feel comfortable enough to speak very often, even with them, my closest friends. When I do speak, or Lily does, our equally quiet and self-conscious friend, everyone is surprised enough to listen usually. That is, if they hear me.2640

My face flushing, I stared at my lap, embarrassed by their looks.2741

“Liza… why- why do you want to die? Is- is it so bad? Are- are you okay? What’s-“2842

I stopped, biting my lip. Every time I do talk, I sound like a stammering idiot, a legitimate retard. It’s no wonder I hate to do so.2943

“Yeah,” Calder said slowly, looking at Liza quickly. He too is very shy and not very self-confident, but he still speaks more than me, and definitely more than Lily. 3044

Despite her delicate prettiness and intelligence, Lily can usually be seen to be hunched over in an almost defensive posture, either maiming her fingernails or playing with her hair. This is something that no amount of gentle correction from Liza or inclusion from the rest of us can break her of.3145

“Yeah,” Calder repeated, “Liza- what’s going on? Is- why do you want this? You don’t- I mean, you don’t really want to die, right? Why would you? You’re so- so-“3246

He stopped, looking mildly frustrated with himself, unable to find the right word. I found myself finishing his sentence mentally, filling in a list of adjectives. She was so strong, so confident. So brave. So… Liza.3347

I could not imagine Liza even being sad, let alone depressed enough to kill herself. Angry, yes- she grew angry at anyone she perceived as being harmful toward us, at anything she saw as unjust. But I could never imagine her directing her anger at herself. I couldn’t imagine her being as disgusted with herself as I often was with myself, let alone hating herself enough to want to die. I had never even seen her cry, never before seen her give any sign that she was less than happy with herself, if not her life, and comfortable in her own skin.3448

I had admired her, looked up to her in a way that was almost awed, for Liza had seemed to be to be everything I should be, wanted to be, wanted to feel about myself. If she wasn’t who I thought she was- if she didn’t think about herself as I’d thought she did- then I was wrong, and I had no one and nothing to aspire to be.3549

“So, what?” Liza asked, narrowing her eyes. “Look, all of you are asking me why I’d want to die. Well, I’ve got a better question. Why live? What is there for any of us to live for? Seriously! None of us have anything but a lot of shit in our lives that just ties us down. You can’t honestly tell me that you haven’t all thought about suicide. You-“3650

“Liza, don’t talk like that,” Damian said quietly, and I could see that he was cringing.3751

“What? You don’t like the word suicide? Does it sound too harsh spoken aloud? Well if we’re going to do it, you better get used to it, Damian,” Liza spat, turning her whole body to face him. “Suicide, suicide, suicide!”3852

“Liza- come on-“3953

“Don’t play Mr. Content, I know you’ve thought it,” Liza said in a softer but no less intense voice. “All of you have.”4054

None of us said anything, and none of us looked at her as Liza’s gaze turned to each of us, one by one. She was right… none of us could deny it. But there was a big difference between thinking and doing… wasn’t there?4155

“Look- think about all you have in your life right now,” Liza continued in the same quiet tone. “Damian, you can’t even let anyone know who you are. You live in fear that your older brothers or your father will kill you if they find out you’re gay. You can’t even have a boyfriend or express an interest in a guy without sneaking around. You fake three quarters of your day. Calder, everyone at school, all the guys pick on you for being small and shy and artistic. They call you gay, harass you. You’ve never fit in. Your family is disappointed in you as a son. Your dad even told you that your little sister is more of a man than you are.”4256

Both flinched at her words, looking away in discomfort and embarrassment. But Liza wasn’t done. She turned to Lily beside her, her eyes softer, but her words no less blunt. 4357

“Lily, your life is even worse,” she said, touching her hand. “Your uncle is a perverted bastard and your mother is too stupid to see it or protect you or your sister. And Willow-“ she turned to address me- “your parents couldn’t give a shit about you. We could all be doing crack and screwing each other down here and they wouldn’t care or even notice.”4458

She paused, and a shadow passed over her eyes before she spoke.4559

“And me… I’ve got my own shit.”4660

She didn’t elaborate, and none of us asked her to. By now we all knew that Liza would only indirectly refer to her past and family, that any questions about them were taboo. All we could do was take the small references she offered occasionally and attempt to piece them together in a way that revealed more about her.4761

For a while none of us said anything, flinching away from Liza’s eyes as she looked at each of us in turn. I think all of us were struggling, caught between our shock and horror, and the beginnings of ambivalence that her words had drawn up… I know I was. For even as stunned as I was by Liza’s sudden proposal, even as much as I was sure I didn’t want to die, I was also beginning to question myself, feel my first moments of wavering. What Liza had said to each of us was perfectly true, and cut to the core of what plagued each of us in our lives. And Liza had a quality about her I can’t quite explain… something that makes anything she says sound plausible, even okay. Something that makes you want her acceptance and approval… something that makes you want to please her. And right then, all of that was beginning to go to work already in me, making me doubt my own certainty, my own will to live.4862

It must have been working on the others too, for Lily for once was very still, biting down on her lower lip and lowering her eyes so they appeared nearly closed. Calder’s scrawny shoulders were collapsed in on themselves, and even Damian waited a while before speaking, his face twisted, glasses sliding down his nose.4963

“Liza- you’re right, you know that. That’s why you said it- you’re doing all you can to convince us, and that isn’t fair. You know none of us have exactly the Brady bunch childhoods or families, but don’t you think it’s a little presumptuous to assume that because of that we should all give up and kill ourselves? Don’t you think it’s a little unfair for you to use that to try to convince us to go along with you? I mean, Calder and Willow and Lily hardly ever even talk about their families. In fact, you don’t’ either, Liza. How is it fair to bring that up just to sway us to your way of thinking?”5064

Liza touched Damian’s shoulder, and I could see the fierce emotion in her eyes when she replied, though her mouth and posture did not change.5165

“I’m sorry if I hurt you guys, but Damian, every one of us is hurting anyway. I just want you to understand. I just want you to see that we can stop just lying there and taking it, that we can stop our hurting. Together. And the way to do that is by killing yourself.”5266

“No, it isn’t, Liza,” Calder said weakly, and Damian echoed him, taking her hands into his and squeezing them.5367

“No it isn’t, Liza. This- none of this is worth dying for. We can’t just give up- that’s what everyone wants us to do. We have to stay strong-“5468

“Stay strong?!” Liza snorted, pulling her hands from his abruptly. “What do you think I’ve been doing for the past seventeen years? What have you guys been doing? And where has it gotten you? Why do we have an obligation to keep being so damn strong? Why should you have to keep hiding who you are so you don’t get yourself maimed, Damian? Why should Calder be rejected for not being a macho football star? Why should Willow be invisible to everyone, including her own damn parents? And why the HELL should Lily be freaking sexually harassed and practically raped by her uncle and ignored by her mother, who would never believe her?” Liza asked fiercely, taking Lily’s hand, the one that was in her mouth, and squeezing it.5569

“We shouldn’t! None of us should have to put up with that shit! We’ve been much stronger than we should have to be for much too long! And anyway-“ her voice lowered, grew more intense- “anyway, doing this, all of us together, is a kind of strength. We’re strong enough and brave enough to know when to end it, and we give each other the courage and support we need to do it. It’s like a final fuck-you to the world, and that’s plenty strong.”5670

“Liza- what the hell?” Calder sputtered. “Aren’t people who commit suicide supposed to go to- to hell? Why would you risk that?”5771

Liza laughed grimly. “Oh, come on, Calder. Don’t give me that hell bullshit. I know none of you believe in hell. You guys don’t even believe in God. And if there is a hell, I’m already bound for it anyway.”5872

I thought that I believed in God, even in hell, but I didn’t say anything. I never felt I could disagree with Liza- not without looking silly and stupid.5973

Damian was still frowning, still struggling to come up with words to dissuade her.6074

“Come on, Liza- look, this isn’t the way. Besides, none of us wants to, right? Right? None of you wants to die.”6175

After a hesitation, Calder shook his head, and I shook mine as well, a brief, almost frightened movement that shamed me, as if I had somehow betrayed Liza. But Lily did not shake her head. Instead, still gripping Liza’s hand, she said softly, “I think Liza’s right… maybe we should do this.”6276

Liza put an arm around Lily’s shoulders, squeezing them in apparent appreciation and satisfaction, while the rest of us stared at Lily in dismay. I think at that point- maybe from the moment she had first started to speak- Liza already had Lily’s total commitment and devotion to her plan.6377

“Oh Lily, you’re not serious. Come on…” Damian almost moaned.6478

“Like I said, we wouldn’t do it today,” Liza repeated. “Just think about it. We’ll plan more later.”6579

“Oh great,” Damian muttered. “This isn’t just a one day whim, is it?”6680

“No,” Liza said simply, and my heart sank…81


That night, after Damian and Calder had left, Lily and Liza ended up staying at my house, even though it was a school night. We do this fairly often, for various reasons. First off, I like having them there; alone in my house, without my parents around usually, I feel lost and lonely sometimes. It’s too quiet and empty there. Our house is pretty big compared to most people’s, and its size is all the more apparent when you’re alone most of the time. My voice practically echoes. It makes me anxious sometimes, is all. Plus I like being with just Liza and Lily better than being with the whole group. I do better with a smaller amount of people around me, shy-wise.182

Of course, Lily and Liza like staying at my house too, much better than at their own. Between Lily’s lecherous uncle and whatever it is about Liza’s home life that makes her so dissatisfied with being there, they like to be away as much as possible. And of course, my parents don’t care, seeing as they never pay attention to whether or not I’m even home before they go to bed.283

As I lay on the left side of my queen-sized bed, with Lily on the right and Liza in the middle, I found myself wondering what it was about us that made Liza like us. Or rather, why she would like me. Damian I could understand- he was funny in a distinctly Damian way, charming with a deep caring side to him. Even Calder was one of the most genuinely nice guys I had ever met, and talented musically and artistically, despite his insistence that he wasn’t. Lily, as quiet as she was and as little as she volunteered about herself, had a quality about her that made people want to protect her, look out for her and make her smile.384

But me- I wasn’t much of anything. I wasn’t funny or even particularly smart. I wasn’t all that talented at anything, and I certainly wasn’t charismatic. I had no “qualities” that I could see. But still Liza showed me the same fierce protection and acceptance at times that she showed the others, that she had for the nearly three years we had been a group. Why? Was I just part of the deal for some reason, because I had happened to be sitting at the same table as Calder in his art class that first day of ninth grade, and somehow the connections had continued until we all five ended up sitting at the same lunch table? Was it all an accident? Did she just like the unlimited crashing at my house?485

Or was it something more? Did she genuinely like us all? Or was she friends with us- attracted to us- because all of us were unhappy, all of us were also experiencing some kind of pain in our lives?586

I had never considered any of these thoughts before tonight, after what Liza had said to us in the basement. I had just accepted her friendship, grateful for her love and trying not to question why a girl like Liza, who could so easily be popular, would stick herself with people like us, no insult to the others intended. I mean, she was a pretty girl, intelligent, with a blunt, sarcastic air that could send you into hysterics or cut you to the bone, depending on her mood. And yet she stuck herself with us- the gay guy, the misunderstood artist guy, the painfully shy girl and the girl who is both painfully shy and socially awkward. Why? Did she consider herself on the same level as us- did she truly feel about herself the way we did about ourselves?687

After what she’d said, I was thinking she did, and I could not comprehend it. 788

As I lay there, thinking, wondering uneasily, I fought with myself over whether or not I should talk to Liza about what she had said. Nearly ten minutes went by, and I was almost certain she was asleep before I could make myself whisper her name.889

“Liza… Liza… you- you really meant what you- what you said today? You really think we should…”990

“Yes,” she said back quietly, surprising me, and she gently touched my shoulder. “It’s the only thing that makes sense, Willow. It’s our only chance.”1091

“But Liza- I don’t- I don’t…”1192

I don’t want to die, I was trying to say, but the words stuck, and I could not extract them. It was almost as if in some twisted way, I didn’t want to disappoint her.1293

“I know you’re scared now,” she said. “But when it happens it will be right for us. You’ll see.”1394

“Yeah…” Lily breathed, and my eyes turned to regard her with the same fear I held for Liza. For now Liza had at least one who agreed.1495

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Neither Liza nor Lily mentioned the suicide pact plan the next morning as we prepared for school. I remember how carefully I watched them both as we ate breakfast, brushed our teeth, dressed; I was looking for a noticeable change in their demeanor, something that would explain to me what had made them both decide we should all kill ourselves. Had they just woke up yesterday and suddenly knew that this was something they wanted to do? If so, maybe now that yesterday was over they had changed their minds. And Liza hadn’t brought it up yet, after all. But it was still early- and suicide wasn’t exactly a typical morning conversation starter.1596

I looked them over thoroughly, but I couldn’t see anything about them that I’d consider a significant enough change to make them consider suicide as a viable life choice. Lily was quiet and hesitant, of course, performing her nervous hair twirling and fingernail biting with anxiety, but that was what she always did. It was very rare for Lily to smile or seem relaxed, and I don’t think I’ve ever heard her laugh.1697

Liza too seemed no different from usual- grumpy and not very talkative, yes, but she was always like that in the morning. She certainly wasn’t walking around with an aura that told you she was in the pit of despair, like you’d expect of someone who had suggested a suicide pact. But then, she hadn’t yesterday either.1798

The lack of difference in the two should have relieved me, but instead it frightened me. What if they didn’t seem any different to me because they WEREN’T any different? What if they had seemed the same day after day, and all along they both had been miserable, so depressed that they constantly thought about suicide? Could that be true- could Liza, confident, charismatic Liza, really hate her life so much- hate herself so much? Could the girl I had so often felt inferior to, so often longed to be like, feel worse about herself and her life than I did mine?1899

Liza still had not mentioned her suicide idea by the time we got to school and went our separate ways. I still held out hope that maybe she simply had not truly meant it yesterday, or had at least changed her mind today. Why else would she not bring it up again? But, being my inept and backward self, I did not ask her, did not attempt to find out for myself. I just followed the other kids in the hallway, heading toward my locker, and I hoped…19100

To my surprise, Damian was standing at my locker when I reached it, hands shoved into the pocket of his hoodie. He looked at me seriously, none of his usual easy grin on his face.20101

“Hey, Willow,” he greeted me quietly. 21102

“Hi,” I mumbled back, standing before him awkwardly as I glanced up at his face, then away quickly. “Uh, what’s going on?”22103

“I just, I already talked to Calder today, and I thought I should talk to you,” Damian said, looking at me much more intensely than usual. “We’re worried- you know- about yesterday. Liza. And Lily.”23104

I nodded, exhaling. “Yeah… me too.”24105

“They spent the night with you last night, right?” Damian asked.25106

I nodded.26107

“Did Liza say anything else about it- about-“ He looked around quickly, lowering his voice. “About the suicide idea? Did Lily? Or did they say what was wrong, why they’d be thinking about something like that? Well, I mean we know that Lily… isn’t happy. We know why she would. But Liza… did Liza say anything, did she explain why?”27108

I shook my head, feeling Damian’s disappointment and worry almost physically. It felt to me almost like I had failed him in not getting any answers, or even attempting to. 28109

“She- she hasn’t mentioned it,” I muttered. “I was hoping- maybe, maybe, she didn’t mean it. Or changed her mind.”29110

Damian sighed, shrugging, then absently pushed his glasses up my nose, though they had not been sliding down.30111

“I don’t know. It didn’t seem like that, Willow. I mean, I hope so too, and I thought that yesterday. But Liza doesn’t usually joke about stuff like that, and for so long. I really… I think she meant it.”31112

I was quiet, looking at him somewhere below his eyes and above his chest. Direct eye contact is hard for me.32113

“We need to watch her,” Damian said finally. “We need to all be here for her, Willow, you and me and Calder. Lily too, we need to be there for Lily more. We need to look out for them, try to get them to talk. Maybe you should have them stay over again- keep them with you, out of their houses as much possible. Maybe we should go to your house again after school and talk.”33114

“Okay,” I said, feeling useless, for I knew no matter what I wanted or tried to do, it wouldn’t work if Liza wanted this.34115

We parted with those semi-plans set, nearly late for class, but I don’t think either of us, worried as we were, truly understood our full danger.35116

But it didn’t get forgotten, as we had hoped, Liza’s plan… nor did she waver in her decision to execute it. She brought it up again as we sat eating lunch in the cafeteria, as casually and emotionlessly as if she were describing a TV show she had watched the night before. Obviously that kind of ruined Damian’s and my hopes, not to mention made all of us except Lily uncomfortable. Again, no attempts on Damian’s part or extremely weak protests on mine and Calder’s could dissuade Liza. Again Lily quietly but with uncharacteristic firmness announced that she believed that Liza was right… and again I felt the same dread of what might happen, if Liza continued to talk about this.1117

She brought it up again the next day, and again the next, always with the same odd combination of casualness and intensity that made her words all the more difficult to listen to. As far as I know, she never discussed her idea with anyone else- for why would she- but neither did she ever discuss it with any of us individually, except maybe Lily. She always talked to us as a group, and our initial reaction didn’t seem to discourage or disappoint her. Every time she would merely drop it after a certain point, telling us again to think about it.2118

She never suggested that she would kill herself if we would not die with her, never threatened or implied that in any way. Liza made it seem as if this was one of those things that were all or nothing. Either we all died together, or we all lived- her death alone, or even only hers and Lily’s, was not an option. But that didn’t mean that the rest of us didn’t fear it. We watched her for a while, Damian and Calder and I, looking for signs of self-destruction or dangerous, out of character behavior. I had her stay with me at my house as often as possible- Lily too- and when they didn’t or couldn’t, one of us would call them, mainly to make sure they were still alive.3119

But the truth was that hardly anything Liza could do would be something that was out of character, and plenty of things she’d done before now could be considered to be dangerous and self-destructive. She was one of the most reckless and impulsive girls I knew at times, always up for something new and involving high adrenaline levels. Liza was the kind of person who would sky dive and car surf, bungee jump and dive into water that no one knew the depth of. She wasn’t against drinking and moderate drug use, and when she drove, it scared the hell out of me. She’d been in five different car accidents of varying degrees of seriousness, broken or fractured more bones than I could remember, obtained mystery scars and bruises that she shrugged off as “nothing” in response to questioning. So how were we to know if anything she did was attempts to harm or kill herself, or just typical Liza Giovanni behavior?4120

Maybe that was part of the problem. Maybe that was why Liza had been like that all along… maybe she was trying to kill herself, whether deliberately or subconsciously. I didn’t know, but the idea shook me.5121

But something that shook me further was something that began to happen a little over a week after Liza had first mentioned her wish for us to make a suicide pact. She still talked about it with us every day, was still determined to go through with it. But now, Calder and even Damian were wavering, conceding that she had some good points in her arguments. And after just under two weeks, both of them had agreed with Liza. They too thought we should make a suicide pact…6122

I couldn’t believe it. We were going to go through with it… we were really going to go through with it. All of us were going to kill ourselves, and they all supported it, all wanted to. All, except me.7123

I didn’t want to kill myself, nor did I want someone else to do it for me, as Liza had described so many times. I didn’t want to die at all… but now, I was afraid to say it. It had been hard enough for me to say anything against Liza and her plans when Calder and Damian had also opposed them. Now that everyone but me agreed that suicide was what we needed to do, I was more afraid than ever to speak up, to protest. What could I possibly say to change their minds, especially Liza’s? I couldn’t talk them out of it, I knew I couldn’t. I didn’t want to make them mad, or hurt them. I would rather have just stayed silent and went along with what all of them seemed so much to want, even though it literally would kill me…8124

I knew I couldn’t stop them on my own, and I certainly couldn’t snitch on them to an adult. Not only would they be mad at me, they’d probably be taken from me, sent to mental places or something and put on suicide watch. I’d be all alone…9125

I didn’t want to die… but if all of them did, I didn’t want to be the only one to remain alive. So I kept silent as they all continued to plan and talk, as Liza further convinced them… I kept silent, and they mistook my silence for agreement.10126

***********************************************************11127

It seemed as if far too little time had passed, hardly a day, before the day came that it was supposed to happen… the day we were supposed to die. Liza had planned it for the date exactly a month before her eighteenth birthday. Whether or not this held any real significance to her, I don’t know. If so, she never shared it with me, just as she never shared her full reasons for wanting to die. All I knew was that on this date, I was supposed to let myself be killed…12128

When that day arrived, we had everything planned, everything ready. How could we not? We’d been talking about it for so long- Liza first, then Lily, and then Calder and Damian- that all of us knew exactly what we needed to do, the steps we’d have to take. We’d planned and fine-tuned, gone over it so much I think we somehow had become brainwashed. By Liza, certainly, but nearly as much by ourselves. We had thought of killing ourselves so often that we grew desensitized to it; the idea no longer seemed shocking, unthinkable, but rather something comfortable, easy to think and talk about. I think we were even starting to look forward to it, to view our plans with an anxious eagerness, as a solution, an excitement in our lives, even if it also was the end of our lives. 13129

I say we, but I don’t really include myself with them. While the others’ talk grew more excited and frequent, as their eyes glowed and they fidgeted, restless, the closer the date drew upon us, I grew more silent and afraid. When the day finally arrived, it was too late for me to do anything to stop it…14130

We already had the guns from Damian’s and Liza’s families stowed away at my house in the basement. As Liza had suggested, we were doing it there, in my basement after school. We had agreed not to leave suicide notes, that we would “let our bodies speak for themselves,” as Liza had put it. I wouldn’t have known what to say anyway in mine. What do you write to explain your suicide when you never wanted to die?15131

Everything was worked out… all we had to do was wait for school to be over so we could go to my house. As the four of them jiggled their legs, impatient for the bells of each class to ring, setting them closer to the end of the school day, I sat frozen, praying for time to stop…132

As we piled out from my car and Calder’s, walking up to the sidewalk of my house, my legs were shaking. I don’t think I could have spoken right then had I wanted to. In my car, Liza had kept up a lively conversation as though nothing at all was unusual about the day. She didn’t seem to expect me or Lily to answer. She kept her arm around Lily in a way that seemed casual, yet oddly possessive, almost threatening, as she played idly with Lily’s hair, occasionally squeezing her hand or shoulder. I had wondered why she had climbed into the back rather than sitting shotgun as usual. Was this why, because she wanted to sit with Lily? But why did she? Was she trying to soothe her, keep her convinced that suicide was what she wanted to do? Or was she only trying to calm herself- did Liza need the physical contact as Lily seemed to?1133

For Lily had lost some of the nervous fear she so often seemed to convey in her posture and expression, the almost hungry, desperate glinting I sometimes thought I saw in her eyes. For the past few days she had seemed much more at ease than usual, almost relaxed… almost at peace with herself. How her eminent suicide could do this do her, I did not understand. Could she really want to die so badly? Could any of them- or was it merely Liza and her influence? What if they too felt like me, and merely did not want to disappoint her, didn’t know how to stop it?2134

But worse…. What if they didn’t? And I was pretty certain that they didn’t.3135

Lily was pressed closer against Liza than normal, for she usually cringed away from touch. She looked at her in a way that was almost reverent, as if Liza were someone she trusted with her life… and I suppose that in all actuality she did. She squeezed Liza’s hand as Liza took it absently, seeming oblivious to the near devotion seeping from Lily’s every move. Did she truly not notice this, truly not see how clearly Lily idolized her, listened to her every word? Or was this deliberate, did she only want to seem clueless? Had Lily always behaved this way, always felt like that with her? How could I have missed it? Or was it only recently, with all of Liza’s grand plans and schemas, that Lily had began to look upon her with near worship?4136

As we opened the door, both Damian and Liza continued to blabber back and forth nearly manically, with Lily still clinging to an oblivious Liza’s arm. Calder and I hung back behind them, slower, quiet. I looked over at him, praying that I would see something in his expression that would tell me that he too was having reservations.5137

But no. There was fear in his eyes, yes, but also determination. Calder was steeling himself to do this- steeling himself both to kill, and to die. He wanted this too.6138

I honestly didn’t know if I could do this. I didn’t want to die, let alone kill… and yet, I knew I’d have to. I knew I’d have to kill someone, whoever it was that would sit in front of me in the circle. What if I couldn’t do it? What if I sat there and couldn’t make myself do it? What if I died before I could pull the trigger?7139

I didn’t know what scared me more- my impending death, or the fact that I might fail the trust someone else would be placing upon me, the trust that I would kill them. How could I worry about something so twisted, so sick- had I grown as warped as the rest of them? Why was I here, why was I not saying anything? Why was I willingly offering up my house as the death cite of all my friends?8140

Because, in my mind, there was no other option… in my mind, it was scarier to imagine living life without them than dying with them.9141

“God, this is so exciting,” Damian was saying, his voice rapid and squeaky slightly as we walked through my living room. “It feels like we’ve been waiting for this forever, you know? God, I wonder what it will be like. I can’t wait to see… do you think dying will feel cool? Like being high, or flying? Or floating?”10142

“Whatever it feels like, it’s got to be better than this,” Liza replied casually, tossing her head so that her dark wavy hair nearly hit Calder in the face. He flinched, said nothing, as Damian laughed, sounding almost manic, the noise thin.11143

“Ha, look out, Calder, dangerous curls ahead!”12144

Liza rolled her eyes, sliding an arm almost absently around Lily’s thin shoulders as we continued to make our way toward my basement door. To my surprise, she reached behind her, taking my wrist and pulling me up even with her. Sliding her other arm around my waist, she said in a lower voice, more seriously to me, “You’re nervous, aren’t you, Willow?”13145

I stiffened, simultaneously hating and desperately needing her arm around me, wanting to agree to the truth of what she said and also to deny it. When I said nothing, she smiled a little, gave me a squeeze.14146

“It’s okay, Willow. Don’t be afraid. Everything will be better now, you’ll see.”15147

She kept her arm around me as we walked, and I wondered if she was trying to soothe me, or simply keep me from running away.16148

Neither Damian nor Calder seemed to have heard the exchange; Damian just kept babbling on as if he simply couldn’t shut off the thoughts in his mind.17149

“What do you guys think happens when we die? I mean, we’re not bad enough to go to hell or anything, right? I mean sure, I have naughty daydreams, but so does any self-respecting guy, right? Whether gay or not. And there’s a world of difference between thinking about something and doing it. Right? I mean, I know the Bible’s all down on gays, but surely I get some brownie points for never having been even kissed. And hey, maybe we get to be in heaven! You think God would furnish me with some nice boy toys as a reward for good behavior? He’s supposed to be all about love, right? Or does the whole suicide thing blow the heaven bit? Do you guys even believe in heaven? What about reincarnation? Hey, I wonder if you can be reincarnated as a body part. I call penis!”18150

“There’s no such as heaven or hell,” Liza said with finality, “and there’s no such thing as God. Relax, Damian. What we’re doing is giving ourselves over to nice, peaceful nothingness. Nothing right or wrong, nothing upsetting or hurtful. Just an eternity of sleep, like all the poets talk about.”19151

“Yeah… the reincarnation thing wouldn’t be so bad though,” Damian mumbled. “I could live with being a penis.”20152

As for me, I still wasn’t so sure that I shared Liza’s certainty about the nonexistence of God and hell. And if they did exist, I knew that heaven was for me than I could hope for.21153

I could feel my heart hammering rapidly in my chest, and wondered if Liza heard it too. My throat was so dry it ached, and I swallowed repetitively, blinking eyes that felt hot, scratchy, and entirely without moisture. We had just now reached the basement door.22154

Liza unhooked her arm from me to descend the stairs, but she held my hand from my in front of me, still keeping one arm around Lily. Damian walked ahead of us and Calder behind, Calder still as silent as Damian was chatty.23155

“Everything’s ready, right? Everything here?”24156

“You know it is, Damian,” Calder said quietly, the first words I’d heard him say since we’d arrived. “We’ve been over this dozens of times. Your nervous energy is starting to get on my nerves. It’s- it’s distracting.”25157

I looked back at Calder in surprise, hardly believing that he had said that. It was so out of character, especially the lack of stuttering or uncertainty in his speech. It was as if his soon-to-occur death was giving him confidence, as it seemed to give Lily peace…26158

All too soon we were standing in my basement… all too soon Damian was passing out the guns, instructing us on how to switch off the safety. I couldn’t help but shudder as I held my gun in my hand, feeling the cold, heavy weight of it. This was what my death would feel like… in my hand, I was holding the weapon that I would use to kill someone, one of the four people clustered around me. And one of the four would use their weapon to kill me.27159

As much as we’d discussed this, as much as we’d prepared, I don’t’ think the reality of it had sunk in fully until I held the gun in my hands.28160


“This is heavy,” Calder said, echoing my thoughts. He ran his hand alongside its barrel, and I noticed how steady it was. Already mine was trembling. How would I be able to hold it in one hand, let alone steady enough to shoot?29161

Lily barely seemed to notice the gun in her small hands, and she gave no sign of being bothered by its weight or feel. She was still standing very close to Liza, still watching her with what for Lily was close to excitement. A ghost of a smile played upon her lips- the first time I could remember seeing her smile. The sight of it made my stomach squeeze painfully, and I had to tear my eyes away from her, forcing myself to even out my breathing.30162

Liza gently extracted herself from Lily’s side, motioning for us all to set down the guns as she went to each of us in turn, hugging us, kissing our cheeks, and saying a few soft, suddenly serious words about how she loved us, how nothing could touch us now, nothing could break us apart from each other and the peace we would bring ourselves. Her movements were as effortless as ever; there seemed nothing about her that expressed any doubts, any conflicts in her mind as to her decision.31163

Calder and Damian hugged her back, and over her shoulder I saw the array of emotions flicker in their eyes. They were not without doubt, I was suddenly certain, not without fear. They were not absolutely certain that our choice was the right one.32164

But I could also see that they would not back down from it- they would not buck Liza, would not disappoint her. They trusted her… they believed in her too much. I did too… but not enough, I didn’t believe in her enough to be certain I could overcome my reservations.33165

She came to me last, and her hug for me was even longer and harder than her hug for Lily. What shocked me about it, was that I could feel her trembling slightly, her body tensed, and I could feel her heartbeat even through her clothes.34166

She was nervous, maybe even afraid… Liza, who had displayed nothing but certainty about her death and ours; Liza, who had assured us that there was nothing to worry about; Liza, who had been talking to us so casually. Liza was afraid.35167

Did the others know? I though, did the others realize? Why were we doing this- why was SHE doing this? She had never even explained to us her reasons…36168

We barely knew about Liza’s life, barely knew about who she was as a person, what had made her who she was. All we knew was what she wanted us to know, what she wanted us to see. And yet here we were, laying our lives down, because she wanted us to. Because she had asked us to- convinced us to…37169

“It’s okay, Willow,” she said softly, stroking a hand down my hair, the hair that I had always wished carried half the waves hers did. “It will be all over soon, and you won’t have to worry anymore. About anything. None of us will.”38170

Was it my imagination, or had I heard her voice catch in the last sentence?39171

At last she let go of me, and we each took up our guns again, slowly forming a tight, seated circle, with our bodies turned to face the back of each person in front of us. Calder sat in front of Liza, Lily in front of Calder, Damian in front of Lily… and me, I was in front of Damian. Damian would be the one to kill me… and I had to kill Liza. Liza was the person seated in front of me…40172


Already I was freaking inwardly, certain that I would not be able to do this, that I would fail them… my hands were shaking, I was shaking, and I could not stop it, could not make my body relax. I could hear Liza’s voice, talking to us, meant to be soothing, hypnotic… but I could not listen or understand. There was a strange buzzing in my ears, and I was terrified, my heart beating so loudly I was sure everyone could hear it. I felt cold all over, and yet I was beginning to sweat at the same time. 41173

Why was I doing this? Why did Liza want me to do this?42174

It came to me suddenly, as I gazed at her, merely a few inches in front of me. I stared at the dark curls of the girl before me, the girl I was supposed to stick a gun to and blow away, and it dawned on me…43175

She wanted us to do this- she wanted ME to do this- because she was afraid to die alone. And now- the way she had things planned- she wouldn’t have to.44176

Crazy thoughts ran through my mind, desperate emotions that threatened to burst through my mouth in the form of a sob, a scream, a frantic protest, prolonging of life. Please, oh please, no, not now…45177

An old childhood song ran repetitively through my mind, sudden, its jaunty tune and ironically cheery words making my head pound. “Make new friends, but keep the old, one is silver and the other’s gold. A circle’s round, it has no end, that’s how long I want to be your friend…”46178

This circle would have an end, I thought, it’s ending right now, right now…179


It was when Liza made the gesture for us to life our guns that I saw it… when I felt the barrel pressed up against the back of my head, and I lifted mine in trembling hands, bringing it up to Liza’s. That was when I knew with final certainty that I could not do it… none of could do it.2180

I gasped first, a sound so loud it hurt my chest. My outburst scorched the inside of my throat as though it were lava, rather than a sound of distress.3181

“No!” I cried out as the others froze, turning their heads to look at me in startled dismay. “No- no!”4182

I jerked away from the gun at my head, ducking out from under it, scooting away from Damian- away from all of them- on my hands and knees. My gun dropped from my hand to the floor, and I flinched and gave a short shriek, certain that it would go off. I almost expected to feel the sharp pain of a bullet entering my flesh, almost expected to begin to die.5183

But I didn’t. The gun remained dormant on the ground, and it was only me who made any sound.6184

“No- no, no, no…”7185

“What- Willow, what are you doing, what’s wrong?” Calder stumbled, and Liza added in a more urgent but no less worried tone, “Willow, it’s okay. It’ll be over soon, just come back. You won’t even feel the pain.”8186

“No, I can’t, I can’t!” I whimpered, my voice loud, high-pitched, as I backed up by the stairs, my eyes darting to look at each of them with fear and shame both. “I can’t do this! I can’t!”9187

“Yes you can, Will,” Liza said, softly but very intensely, her eyes boring into mine. She had not made a move toward me- in fact, none of them had. They were all still sitting motionless in their circle, the circle that I had broken. It was as if my words had literally frozen them, rendered them physically and emotionally unable to move, to do anything to stop my retreat.10188

Calder appeared confused, worried, his eyes going between me and Liza, as though anxious to see which of us would win an imaginary battle- a battle that perhaps was not so imaginary after all. Damian was frowning, visibly upset, and I thought I could see the doubt in his eyes creeping over the rest of his expression, much more strongly than before. Lily looked panicked, her eyes flickering about to each of us, her hands still tightly gripping the gun she had been given. And Liza… Liza’s eyes were fixed on me, and she was so still it scared me further. There was so much going on in her eyes, even as her expression remained neutral. Anger and shock, worry and determination, frustration and fear…11189

Still it stunned me to see just how much fear shone in her eyes, even more clearly than all the other emotions. I wondered if it was only through her extreme control that she was not shaking as badly as I was. Could extreme terror render one motionless as well as trembling?12190

Of course it could… for that was exactly what I had done all these weeks that we’d plotted our deaths. I had stayed motionless, stayed quiet, never daring to speak or disagree. Never daring, until now, when it was already so late.13191

“You can do this, Willow,” Liza repeated, her eyes boring into mine so hard I wanted to look away, deflect her gaze. Did she not realize what emotion showed in her eyes- did she not see that I knew her desperate terror, that it was seeing this that made me see that what we were doing was wrong?14192

No, she didn’t see. She didn’t know I knew- and maybe she didn’t know herself.15193

“You can do this. Come back, Willow. It’s okay. Everything will be okay, everything will be better.”16194

But it might not be. What if it wasn’t? What if this only made everything worse? What if Liza’s seemingly simple plan only doomed us and all we loved to even greater unhappiness, even greater pain?17195

I didn’t want to risk that. I couldn’t.18196

“No,” I rasped again, and I looked down toward Liza’s neck and collar bone, unable to bear the way she looked at me. “No, it won’t, Liza. Nothing can do that. Nothing- nothing can be that simple. E-everything… everything has consequences. I… I can’t do this. I can’t. I can’t kill you… and- and… I don’t want to die.”19197

The room fell into a silence then that seemed almost suffocating as they stared at me, clearly unable to believe my words. As no one spoke, none of them moved, none of them made a sound, I was very aware of how loudly my ragged breaths sounded, nearly echoing among their silence. My body continued to shiver uncontrollably, my posture tensed, as my head throbbed, my heart sped still faster. It was hard to keep my breathing under any semblance of normality, for each breath felt sharp, as though it were tearing up the insides of my throat. I felt close to tears, an enormous pressure building up in my chest and throat, but my eyes remained hot and dry.20198

When I finally dared to glance again at Liza’s face, the expression made my heart twist. She looked at me with the terror and disbelieving pain of someone whose life had been destroyed… 21199

When she caught me looking at her, she drew her shoulders back abruptly, sucking in her breath. I could see her attempting to rearrange her features, bring them back into a semblance of the usual blasé Liza we saw.22200

“Yes, you do,” she said quickly, “you know you want this, Willow. You know you do- I know you do. You’re just afraid. You just have to get it over with, stop thinking about it so much-“23201

“No,” I interrupted, and my voice cracked. This was the first time I had ever interrupted Liza- the first time I had ever wanted to.24202

“No, I-I don’t, Liza. I-I never did.”25203

Liza sat so still, so utterly motionless, that I would have almost sworn she had stopped breathing, stopped blinking. She would have looked like a mannequin, a mere representation of a human rather than an actual girl, had it not been for the desperate fear shining in her eyes so clearly. How could I never have seen it- was this really the first time she had shown her true feelings so obviously? Was she feeling more strongly now- or was she simply no longer able to shield from us what she felt?26204

Then her face seemed to slacken slightly, her shoulders sinking. But I could see how tightly she gripped her gun in her hands, so hard that her knuckles were white.27205

“You have to,” Liza said, and her voice was as weak as I had ever heard, nearly a whisper. “I- you have to, Willow. I need you to. I need all of you to-“28206

She glanced around at the others, as if asking for their agreement, their support. But they just looked back at her, unmoving, and I could see the confusion, the doubts and second thoughts, the worries rising to greater proportions in their expressions. Well, in Calder’s and Damian’s, at least. Maybe we could talk her out of this- maybe we could find another way. Maybe-29207

“Guys,” Liza whispered, and I heard the choking in her voice, “guys, I need you. Come on- I need you to do this with me.”30208

I had words formed in my mind to say to her… I had had them for some time, nearly as long as I had known of Liza’s plan. But it was not me who said them to her; surprisingly, it was Calder.31209

“W-why?” he said quietly, the bewilderment evident in his voice as well as his face. “Liza- why- why do you want us to die- really? We- I thought- why do you want us to die? Did- you never even, you didn’t tell us, d-did you? I think- I don’t think you ever even said. You always- you said why we should. How bad our lives are. But why do YOU want to? Why do you want to do this? Is- isn’t it fair to at least tell us why?”32210

His voice grew softer, even less assured towards the end of his little speech, and he bit his lip, looking at Liza with all the guilt of someone who dread to see what his words had done to her. I think he half expected her to attack him, whether physically or verbally.33211

But Liza didn’t even meet his eyes. She was shaking so badly I was almost afraid she would lose her balance, even in her seated position. Her dark complexion had gone nearly as washed out as my pale skin, and her face wrinkled as if she were fighting tears.34212

“I can’t,” she choked, and her words were nearly unintelligible. “I- I need you. I… I can’t do this alone, you don’t understand.”35213

“L-Liza,” I said shakily, and Damian echoed, “Liza, wait, listen…”36214

But she had the gun in her hap up in her hands now; she was crying, the sobs heaving her back and shoulders violently as she thrust the gun at Calder.37215

“Calder- Calder, you have to do this, you have to kill me!” she sobbed, and the gun wobbled unsteadily in her hands. “You have to- just kill me, you have to, Willow won’t do it, so you have to…”38216

Calder just stared at her, his eyes widening in alarm as she tried to hand it off to him. Damian called her name repetitively, his voice growing shrill as she refused to respond. Finally she gave up, and sobbing harshly, brought the gun up to her temple with shaking hands…39217

“Liza!” Calder cried, and Damian and I were calling her too. Lily just sat there, her eyes reflecting a helpless terror. But out of the four of us, it was only Calder who made a move to stop Liza.40218

He scooted closer to her hurriedly, wrapping his hands around hers as he tried to pull the gun from her hand. But Liza wouldn’t let him. Her grip on the gun tightened, panicked, as he pulled her hands down. As he pulled she was still holding the gun, still gripping it…41219

The gunshot seemed to me the loudest noise I had ever heard…42220

It seemed to echo and expand, lasting for all eternity. Sometimes I think I still hear it now, still see Calder slumping back like a marionette whose strings had been cut. I still see the horrible hole between his eyes, the carnage that was the back of his head, spilling out before our eyes. I see the way his body shook, the slow sheen of lifelessness spreading over his eyes, so terribly slowly.43221

I remember the complete horror in Damian’s eyes, the way they bulged, how high-pitched his voice was as he cried over and over, “Oh god, oh no, god, no, no, no…”. I remember how Lily’s face went blank, wiped devoid of any emotion as she sat woodenly. I remember the sickening blend of horror, disbelief, and grief that seemed to strike me all at once, a pain as sharp and brutal as a knife twisting in my heart. I couldn’t move, couldn’t think, could do nothing but stare. I was too shocked to scarcely breathe.44222

But even in my state of mind I couldn’t help but be aware of Liza, the devastated anguish that twisted her features so grotesquely as she doubled over, her dark hair covering most of her face. She began to scream without words, crying so violently I thought she would break apart literally, or at least vomit.45223

“Oh no, oh my god… oh fuck, no! I did this, oh god, I killed him, oh shit! Kill me, somebody kill me! Somebody, please… please, kill me, please, oh my god, I have to, I have to fucking die, I have to, oh god…”46224

She was screaming, repeating this over and over until her words were babbles to my ears. She lay her forehead on the floor, rocking back and forth as she cried.47225

I don’t know how much time passed before any of us noticed that Lily was moving, making her way beside Liza. It felt like centuries, but for all I know it was only a few seconds. She touched Liza’s head gently, and there was no emotion in her expression or her tone when she spoke. Her words were quiet, dull, but somehow I managed to hear and understand them.48226

“Liza… I will if you will.”49227

Everything from that point on seemed to happen so slowly, almost unhumanly so, and yet so quickly. Liza looking up at Lily, the tears and snot streaking her face as comprehension dawned in her gaze… seeing Lily’s gun in her hand, and Liza’s, dropped by her side… seeing her picking it up, pointing it at Lily’s head as Lily pointed hers at Liza’s…50228

Damian was screaming something, his eyes bulging, but he didn’t move. Neither of us moved as we heard two more shots go off, two shots that seemed only one.51229

Time seemed nothing to me, formless and without constraints as it stretched on forever, and yet for no period at all. I could hear myself beginning to breathe so fast I was light-headed, and I felt disconnected from myself, an observer from somewhere outside my body. This was not me. This could not be me… not me…52230

Damian was crying, staring at the people before us who had been our friends, who had once been people rather than bodies. He made no sound, but tears streamed steadily down his cheeks.53231

I don’t know how long we sat there, saying nothing, until I noticed that Damian was slowly picking up his gun. It took every ounce of concentration I possessed to make myself come back into myself enough to say one word, even one spoken as flatly as I said it.54232

“Don’t.”55233

Damian lifted his gaze to meet mine, exhaling in a shuddery sigh as he swiped at his nose with his sleeve. He did not put the gun down.56234

“I have to, Willow. Wh-what else can we do now? What- what the hell can we do?”57235

That’s the last thing I remember beyond a weird weightless feeling that was more sickening than liberating before I collapsed… apparently, that is what it feels like to faint. And when I woke, I found myself in the hospital, along with Damian. Apparently he had been so stunned by my fainting he had dropped the gun, which had gone off and shot him in the shoulder. I guess the pain and my unconscious state convinced him that maybe he wasn’t so sure he wanted to die, because he had called the ambulance to get us before passing out himself. Or so Dr. Averill has told me.58236

So that’s how I got here… that’s how both of us got here.59237

“Willow?”60238

I could faintly hear Dr. Averill calling my name, still trying to get me to respond.61239

“Willow, we- I- only want to help you. If you don’t talk about it, nothing can ever work to make you feel better.”62240

But I didn’t know if that was true. Sure, I hadn’t talked about Liza’s plans… but it wasn’t until I spoke up that everything blew up in my face.63241

She couldn’t help me. No one could help me, for no one could now give Liza help. Liza was dead, and without her, Calder and Lily, I was not so sure I was glad to be alive. How could I be, when Liza hadn’t been? What was better about my life, better about me, that I should want to live when she hadn’t? Nothing. Maybe she was right after all. Maybe I had only been too afraid to see it.242

Our circle has come to an end, its seamless continuity broken, cracked apart into fragments. It makes me wonder, was it ever truly as smooth and flowing as I had once considered it- were we ever truly a circle at all? Or were we just a line, a segment, which eventually has to come to a stopping place?243

The end