Yells and a rhythmic chanting broke through the usually quite night. The torches of the mob outside made a ghost like glow on the stone walls of the prison cells bellow. They had gathered for the execution on one broken young woman.1
The girl could have been beautiful once, but countless hours of constant torture had turned her barely recognizable as human. The guards 2
had ripped back her scalp revealing the white bone of her skull on the right side of her head. Her ear on the same side had been nearly ripped off and her left eye now hung useless from its socket leaving an infested hole were it once resided. Other wounds scattered her body leaving very few places left on marred by her tormentors.3
Despite wounding her so severely the guards were under strict orders to keep her alive. If they failed each and everyone of them would be impaled and displayed as an example, and their families sold into slavery. As long as she lived, however, they could torture her in any way they saw fit, and they took full advantage of this perk. They rapped and tortured her with a barbaric like passion.4
In spite of all this the young woman was alert and fuming. Rage floated off her so thickly it was nearly tangible. She laid on her back staring up seemingly at nothing through the vent above her. She knew she would die that night the guards didn't need to say anything, she knew. Peace would not come to her however only an anger so deep it threatened to consume her. I f she was going to die like this she would take it alone. Her betrayer wouldn't survive the night either, nor would anyone else present.5
She closed her eye trying to clear her thoughts, and prepare her body. Most of her wounds though painful would not slow her down much. The pain wasn't debilitating despite of it's severity. She more than a little accustomed to pain. 6
She tried to remember the good things life had brought her, but rage washed away any happy memory she might of had. She could only focus on her target. The man who had taken everything she held dear away with simple whispered words. He would suffer most of all.7
The guards had taken to taunting her from the other side of her cell. She smirked at them they wouldn't taunt anyone much longer. They must have sensed something foreboding in that smirk, for they all fell silent at once. They looked to one another questioningly, but no answers would come. Time also seemed to be taunting her it seemed to have slowed to a crawl, but then it taunted the guards as well. They couldn't wait to be rid of her. 8
Shuffling footsteps interrupted her plotting, as it stopped in front of her door. Fear bled from this new comer as he whispered to the guard, who nodded briskly and unlocked the door for him.9
"Hurry this up!" The guard growled at the portly little man shoving him into the cell. His terror was nearly overpowering him.10
'Good, he should be scared.' The woman thought bitterly.11
"Ummm....Miss Tiyet, they...uh....they sent me to give you some drugs to help you make it through the night." The man's voice was high pitched with panic, and trembled as he spoke. He pulled a dark blue bottle from his jacket moving a bit closer to Tiyet.12
"How kind of them! To see to it that I'm conscious enough to enough to see what terror they've cooked up for me. Wouldn't want to miss that now would I." Tiyet chuckled at the stupidity of her enemies. If they wanted to make her more alert so be it they were going to make her stronger. Not strong enough for escape, but Tiyet no longer wanted to live. She justed wanted to be strong enough to kill each and every last one of them. still this act was to stupid even for them.13
'They must think this is a sure way to protect themselves. It's to good to be an beneficial over sight.'Tiyet thought knowing she couldn't take the risk. Her revenge was much to precious to risk.14
'It's a trick.' She concluded at last.15
"You can forget it, I won't swallow a drop of that shit." Tiyet's eye and mouth formed a tight line of defiance. The man froze in terror at this. His mouth moved, but no sound escaped. Finally he made out the words his mouth was so desperately trying to form.16
"They said they'd kill me, my daughters, my wife, everyone I've ever known unless you take this. Please I beg you! have mercy!" Tiyet's hand flew out for his neck as he sputtered that last sentence. 17
The man changed colors as he gasped.18
"Mercy! You think they showed mercy to my mother, brothers, sisters, my friends!? No they ran them through from the oldest grandmother to the new born babies! Get away from me coward! I care nothing for your family or troubles! Mercy has killed me!" The words spewed from her like bile. She felt dead already. A zombie left with only one function left, destroy. Tiyet shoved the man from her with all her strength. He flew like a rag doll until his head bounced against the stone wall with a sickening thump. 19
Until then she had passively taken every torture they threw at her without comment, fueling her anger and biding her time. The time had come at last, she would smile down at the traitors' corpse, and laugh with her final breath at their demise. She had no weapons, but she wouldn't need them. A sword would end their life's to quickly, and she wanted them to die slowly.20
There was a commotion at the door, once more interrupting her thoughts. The portly man was now banging on the door screaming for the guards to let him the hell out of there. The guard threw open the door, and smoothly ran him through. Tiyet turned her head to watch the blood run toward her re-soaking her already blood caked clothes.21
"Get this stupid bastard out of here. Tell their majesties of his failure." His eyes leveled on Tiyet a strange chill running down his spine as he ordered the others into action. Guards scrambled in and removed the corpse without a thought. One removed the corpse's head, and held it up like a trophy to the others.22
"There's mercy for you poor bastard." Tiyet whispered without feeling.23
About an hour later two guards pulled Tiyet to her feet. She stood passively as they tied her hand roughly behind her. She didn't need her hands to destroy them. A grin of pure malice was glued to her broken face. Her time had come.24
The crowd's already loud shouting went even louder as the guards dragged her through the angry masses. They reached out to tear her to break her even further. They ripped fist fulls of what little hair she had left out. They punched and clawed at her, but her sadistic grin stayed glued to her face. Her vengeance kept the pain at bay. Blood ran in a steady stream down her face.25
After the guards had shoved her to the front of the mob they shoved her to her knees. On a raised platform were two identical thrones. A priest dressed in black and silver robes stood to one side sneering down at the mutilated body his hands had created. A woman sat the throne next to him glaring down at Tiyet with a hatred that scared her once lovely face. Her silver hair twisted gracefully to one side. Her fists were twisted into the fold of her light blue low cut dress. Her eyes cold as eyes passed quite judgment over the walking fragment of human life. The man that occupied the remaining throne seemed bored with the whole affair, as he examined his finger nails. He also wore pale blue to match the lady's dress, but his nose had the appearance of being permanently stuck in the air ruining any good looks he might have had.26
They sneered down at Tiyet with a look of disgust. Their cruel nature apparent in the disregard for the slaves they used as footstools. 27
"Your majesties the terror before you has been sentenced to death by burning by the church. Do you object?" The priest asked the couple bowing.28
"Whatever let's just burn the bitch so I can get out of here." The be throne man said waving the priest away.29
The guards jerked her to her feet and slammed her back against a pole that rose about twenty feet out of the ground. Priest came forward and bound her to it with chains. Others piled logs around her legs leaning them against her waist. They dumped a strong smelling liquid on the logs, and put a torch to them. Fire shot over Tiyets head licking at her face.30
"Finally!" Tiyet growled audibly. Energy coursed through her shooting through the ground and into the crowd. Fire surrounded them burning them to ashes. People screamed and tried to run, but there was no were to go.31
Tiyet turned her gaze to the guards and the cold rulers burst into flames. They screamed and died much to quickly for Tiyet's liking, but her time was running short. The Priest stared at her in horror. She grinned at him, and he blew apart making the flames sizzle with his blood. Her vengeance was complete. Tiyet leaned her head against the pole, and the flames consumed her as well.
Author notes
Please let me know what you think any errors please point them out.
~*~ darkesthour ~*~
A contest entry
- 1st chapter contest!!!! by Surreal Rhapsody.
175 points, ended January 11, 2008, 24 entries
Honorable mention
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - A contest with absolutely no rules and no guidelines. by Kevan.
300 points, ended February 28, 2008, 17 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Good Stories Wanted by Kat222.
650 points, ended March 4, 2008, 16 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest - Under Read Stories by Mrs Dean Winchester.
100 points, ended October 9, 2008, 56 entries
• next story in this contest, remove from contest
If you see an error Please let me know :)
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Very good!
Definitely keep working on this one.
However, I do kind of agree with Shakedown that some of the dialogue seems a bit strained. You want to convey her thoughts to your readers and you do this by having her explain her actions to her captors.
"How kind of them! To see to it that I'm conscious enough to enough to see what terror they've cooked up for me. Wouldn't want to miss that now would I."
But, while she may be thinking these things, I don't think she would actually speak them out loud. It might be better to just explain to the reader what she is thinking rather than putting it into dialogue.
But great write! I can't wait to read the rest!

-
Sounds really good. I hope there is more to this, it's really interesting. I loved the execution part, bone chilling. I loved the way you described the priest, he seemed so disinterested with what was going on. The main character injuries were so grueesome and I liked it! The only thing is...I wish I knew a little bit more about what led her to her demise. I haven't read any thing interesting on this site for a while, but this is pretty good. (:


-
Hey, cool first chapter. As some other people have mentioned, there are grammatical errors and some spelling issues, but thats not a big deal if you just read it through again. One issue I had was with the dialogue... it felt a little strained at times, other times it was clean enough. What time period is this? It was hard to tell from the prose, and maybe with the dialogue you could clarify that a little bit. In particular, the line of the king felt out of place. Its cold, yes, but doesn't seem royal.
But anyway, enjoyable, and an interesting plot. The ending was nice in particular.beginning: 3, language: 3, plot: 3, ending: 3, dialog: 3, characters: 3.
-
k this was very interesting, but you do have some spelling and grammer mistakes. you need to read through again. i also would have liked a little more back story. who's who and why this was happening. that kind of thing. was very good though. very discriptive. Good luck in the contest!


-
-
This is the first chapter and it's kinda the point not to know the back story just yet. I think I see the errors you were talking about thank you for mentioning them. I never seem to get them all! :0
-
-
Wow, that was really absorbing. ^.^ Great job, it really sucked me in. Great, awesome job. Good luck on the contest.

1 - 6 of 6




