You’re Certain To Self Destruct

I think I threw my back out.1

Cardio aerobics was never my forte, and now I find myself on the floor with my hands clasped against my back.2

In the past, Nick would come to my rescue. He would massage the muscles until my nerves relaxed. He used to tickle the sides of my stomach to get me to sit back up. If his remedy didn’t work, he’d draw me a bath.3

I love him.4

I slipped a disk in my vertebrae a year or so back. After surgery I was prescribed a hefty amount of painkillers and spent the majority of my following days in a Vicodin-induced delirium while Nick took time off of work to tend to me.5

He was my Prince Charming the second I met him; he was everything I could’ve asked for.6

Now he’s never around. His touch is cold and his gaze is emotionless. Our conversations have died down to short pleasantries. I find myself taking the time on the floor to ponder exactly when I started living with an acquaintance.7

He’s cheating on me.8

He’s been working long nights. He diverts the conversation whenever I bring up marriage. He can’t look me in the eyes when I do. In the beginning, we’d talk the nights away about our future together. But, at some point, he started living like commitment was a four-letter word and I the constant reminder of it.9

He’s been cheating on me.10

A blue-eyed boy meets a brown-eyed girl: it’s supposed to be symbolic. Brown’s a dominant gene, and the girl is supposedly the dominant one in the relationship. It never was the case with us. I found myself acquiescing to everything he needed. He at first tried to equal it out with small things: a kiss, a gift, a sign of affection. Lately, they’ve started drifting away, past the point of comfort and habit.11

He’s having an affair.12

I’m on the floor. It’s a Saturday. It’s summertime. I bet there’s at least a couple or two at the beach right now, lying down on their beach towel, talking softly or just basking in the company of the other. Somewhere right now, a boy is probably confessing his love to his girlfriend as they walk down another newly paved street.13

He never did love me.14

I miss everything. I miss the kiss that woke me up. I miss the way his arm felt when I nuzzled my head into it. I miss playing with his hair. Oh, I miss that the most. He has transformed on me. 15

I miss him. The old him.16

I hate being on the floor with my mind so idle. I hate having to think about this.17

My back is throbbing with pain. After a couple failed attempts, I roll onto my stomach and let the sun warm up the muscles on my back.18

I wonder if I’ve aggravated my vertebrae again.19

I want the old Nick. The one I met my freshman year of college. The one who swept me off my feet and confessed his love to me. I want what I used to have. I think I deserve the Nick I used to love.20

I at least deserve more than this.21

I wonder what she has over me.22

Was it just that we lacked communication skills? Did we never address problems up front enough? Did he just grow tired, or did he realized he made a mistake? Does he recognize the agony it puts me through?23

The sun does wonders for my back. Slowly, but surely, I can feel my muscles relax. It still kills, but I find enough strength to get up. I can’t think about anything else. Just my back. Oh God, it hurts so much. It hurts so much. I hobble into the bathroom and down the last of my old prescription. Probably more than I should’ve taken. Does it matter anymore? I can barely think straight from the pain.24

The suitcases are in the guest room. I don’t need much. What is mine anymore, anyway? He bought everything.25

He owned everything.26

Just an assortment of clothes, trinkets that I took from home, a handful or two of books. That’s all I need. And my music collection. Maybe his as well.27

He won’t miss me. I wonder if he’ll notice that I’m not around. He’ll probably work late tonight.28

He’ll probably spend the night at her house.29

I’ll move back with my parents. I’ll find a job.30

I’ll put my degree to use.31

I’ll find another Prince Charming.32

I don’t need him to massage my back into life again. I don’t need his words to sooth me into submission. I don’t need the past to override the present.33

The sun warms my face as I trudge a block over to the bus stop. I took too many suitcases. I might leave one when I get to the train station. I might leave them all. I might not live with my parents again. I might start a new life. I might start anew.34

The heat’s making my head spin.35

I don’t need his shallow “I love you” at night. I don’t need him to support me anymore.36

The heat’s making it hard for me to walk straight.37

I can see the bus pull away as I round the corner. There won’t be another for a half hour. I can hear the kids laughing at the beach. Maybe I’ll walk the couple of miles down to the shoreline and get myself a tan.38

I never needed his love. I never needed anything he gave me. I don’t need his love, or what small fragments of love that lingered just enough for him to tolerate me in his apartment. I don’t need any of this.39

All I need is to rest for a little while. Until the next bus comes along.