Chapter Nine of the story no one wants to hear

Chapter Nine of the story no one wants to hear.1

Broken Hands.2

How I wish my mother could see me after I get off the phone. I don't want to do anything, but I know despite the fact that I'm tired that I won't sleep. There are many things to do when stoned and bored, but I can't think of any. When I open the fridge I just laugh. My mother would be happy knowing I'm eating-she always complains there's not enough meat on my bones.3

When I think of her voice saying the same thing over and over again I roll my eyes. We eat pizza, I get one slice and cut off the crust and she flips out.4

"Have at least two slices." She says. I never do.5

My eyes don't really close much when I'm high. If I close my eyes, I may lose the moment--I may forget what I was looking at, I may forget what I've said. My greatest fear in life is forgetting- the only thing I've ever cried my eyes out over.6

My mouth moves, without me realizing it, into a smile. Wearing only a black tank top and shorts sounds horrible when your house is as cold as mine. Even worse during winter. I Almost look a bluish pale, but I don't really care. I'm free to do what I want.7

The first thing my eyes rest on? Cold pizza. Only some being in the sky knows how old it is, but I'm still chewing on it before my mind can process what's going on. The next thing I'm on is cold, wrapped brownies.8

Wrapped in pretty wrap that little boys and girls put over their faces while mommy and daddy have their eyes in another direction.9

Wrapped in pretty wrap that teenage boys use when they forget how to buy condoms for a date.10

Wrapped in pretty wrap that teenage girls use when they forget how to breathe.11

I bite slowly though, I know right now I can't even taste it with the speed of which I swallow. I could eat the whole contents of my fridge in a little over an hour and still feel hungry.12

I know that when I'm high, I'm happy- nothing more. When I'm like this, I can deny the world access into my mind. I can shield myself from memories and other things I know are true. I can only tell myself for so long that Zachary doesn't exist and happiness is something a foot step away. Twelve pretty inches that feel like a centimeter right now.13

I can see it, can't touch it--it's too perfect to touch. If I touch it, it might break and I'll never get it back. You have to wait. Maybe someday soon, maybe someday too late.14

The downside of being high is that when everything is said and done and you're able to escape the truth, it returns twice as bad. The whole world shines while you suffer.15

The most I can do at this point is keep eating, but soon I'll sleep, soon I'll fall asleep and dream of Zachary and I'll wake up with my eyes pouring tears that tell me it's not quite done. I can't stay awake forever and I know that, but I can try. I grab the milk out of the fridge with my right hand and pull off the red top with the left. Whole milk. Other kinds of milk taste disgusting to me. I drop the top somewhere and just grab the half gallon carton with both hands and start downing it. The taste of milk is disgusting, but I need to wash down the taste of all the other things I ate. I don't even know what I ate.16

When I stand up it feels like my stomach is pressing in two directions, up and down. My throat feels like it's getting clogged and my stomach feels like it's being punched- it's a nasty feeling that I always hate. The sink is just a foot away, no dishes- they're all on the floor. There's a burning sensation in my throat and I know I won't be making it to the bathroom. I can barely see the sink--the blurs of dark gray let me know what I'm aiming for.17

I don't even know if I get up but the next thing I know, it feels like acid is pouring through my throat and into the sink. Turn on the hot water and spit once or twice and I'm done.18

I'm too tired to keep up with the night. It'll just have to go on without me. I'm picking up plates slowly, making sure I don't drop them. Every part of my body is tired. I don't care about dropping myself. I put the plates on the table, close the fridge, sit on the floor and just sleep against the counter.19

Tomorrow doesn't matter, today doesn't matter, I don't matter, Zachary doesn't matter.20

When I get up, tomorrow is today. Today is horrible. The sun is up in the sky and my back aches from lack of a bed, lack of something soft to just pretend is a bed. Didn't think I would make it up to the stairs so I didn't even try.21

School. Can't help but sigh at the thought of going, I feel weightless. My cell phone is missing, but I'm tired- I can't help but close my eyes again. Now it feels like I'm drifting through water on my back. Eyes are closed, ears getting clogged with water.22

When I'm wearing black jeans and a white blouse I'm not the most noticeable kid. There's a ton of kids with rainbow colored hair-it takes a lot to stand out and I'm glad I don't. If I did I'd have a ton of people around me and I don't need a lot of attention with what I'm doing.23

I don't usually care if someone finds out. I don't even care if it's the police. I'm not selling anything so it would be harder to trace me. What I say and what I do are two completely different things.24

I can tell a girl named Sabrina I'm going to the library to study for upcoming midterms and I can tell my mom that I'm going to a girl named Sabrina's but that doesn't mean I'll do either.25

No, if there's anything I fear it's seeing Zachary. He doesn't go to school much and I don't know if he'll go today. He might-- He could be playing on that "I'll change" bullshit.26

Actually, I haven't thought much about the fact that he told his psych that I do drugs with him. I seem more stable than Zachary can ever be--it won't matter. I'm better in Zachary in many ways. He's only better than me because he doesn't care as much as I do--as my heart breaks, his heart shimmers.27

I don't think he'll ever fully understand how much he means to me.28

I make it through half of the day to my sixth period lunch--The period where I just sit outside on the school stairs with a peanut butter sandwich and a bottle of water, pretending being alone makes it all better. The glass on the floor is hard to piece back together with two bleeding hands.29

I walk through the day with my eyes open and closed. I can pass my classes if I pretend to be awake and know what's going on.30

I am a performer dancing for a crowd that doesn't even understand what's going on. It's insulting. They look at me, they look at the bags under my eyes and the facial expression that never seems to smile.31

The last period of the day frustrates me. English is where I met Zachary, where I sit next to Zachary, where I sit next to Jacob, where I sit behind Melissa and sit in front of no one.32

I am the first one in and the last one in. I am here physically, but mentally I am gone. I can be reeled in by the slamming of a ruler or books against my desk but that's about it. When the bell rings everyone is there but Zachary.33

Part of me was really hoping he would be here, even through i knew better than to hope. I knew better than to believe any of my dreams would come true with Zachary-even if they were minor. At first the dreams felt like they were going to come true- when i was ignorant and didn't see beyond the surface. I liked looking at the surface, it was pretty, no cracks or scratches.34

I just sit in my seat-Don't feel content, don't feel confused, don't feel anything.35

Numb numb numb numb numb.36

"Heyyy Cattttthhhyyyy" It's Jacob. He's doing that thing that I always tell him I hate. He's stretching my name like he's crazy, attracting attention. I sometimes wonder if he has ADHD. He's not the cutest kid around. He's cute in his own little way. He has the perfect nose that all the girls around the school want, he has hair that's straightened by his sister 24/7 and he has braces and wears shirts that illustrate his "Hate towards the government" despite the fact that his dad is a tax collector.37

Today it's a stick figure in a car with a beer in his hand with a police car chasing him.38

My tax dollars at work.39

It's slightly funny. I could relate to it on a light level.40

"Hello Jacob." I sound like a prude.41

"What's up? How was your break? Have fun? Go anywhere? see anyone speeeeecial?"42

"Nothing much. Boring. Not really. No. No." Short with a monotone makes Jacob bored.43

"Hmm. Neither did I." I didn't care much. The day was slipping away. My teacher was out in the hallway and I was trying to sleep with Jacob talking to me.44

I actually wanted her to come in so I wouldn't have to deal with this shit.45

"Did you really really really wanna kiss someone?" He made a kissing face at me. I could see it through the corner of my eye and I just wanted to sucker punch him.46

But then I'd have his saliva on my hand and it could be acid.47

My eyes hurt and my palms are sweaty, I don't know why but I can tell something bad is about to happen. I can feel it in my blood. It makes me mad. It infuriates me. It's not the end, it's not dead yet.48

In walks Zachary with my English teacher.49

In walks my doom with my English teacher50

In walks the grim reaper with my English teacher.51

It makes me laugh. It makes me laugh so hard that Jacob looks at me. It's as if to him and the rest of the world I'm incapable of laughter, incapable of being happy.52

And I break. I shatter on the inside, but my laughter continues. I don't know what's wrong with me.53

When Zachary sits beside me, I quiet myself down by coughing but I feel his eyes on me, burning me, stabbing me, pulling at me, testing me. It hurts.54

He sees right through me, he knows the me who lives beyond the drugs, beyond the cocaine that I snort and the weed we passed around.55

He knows me and that's what makes it hurt.56

I trusted him with my being and now he can use it against me and it hurts.57

I trusted him- and it hurts.58

I grab the pass off of the wall before my teacher starts talking and walk into the girl's bathroom just down the hall. It's pink. Pink for babies, pink for girls, pink for breast cancer.59

I go inside the white stalls and just sit on the floor and put my head into my lap.60

Outside I'm breaking, inside I shatter.61